by Mia Wolf
We circle around while we’re crouching. Both of us waiting for the other to make a move, to make a mistake. I see a hint of impatience in Raymond’s eyes, and I take the chance to cut in quick and land a punch into his gut. He winces and steps back, but it only angers him. He jumps onto me so fast I barely get the time to react. He gets my jaw, and I taste blood in my mouth. But I don’t take long to recover. Ignoring the pain, I grab hold of Raymond’s arm and twist it. He twists around with it and wriggles out of my grip, I turn around with him, and my high kick makes contact with his skull. He goes stumbling down to the ground.
I wipe the blood from my lips and spit some on the ground, readying myself for another round. The crowd’s cheering from a second ago fades.
In the moments of quiet, my instinct is to find Jessica even though I know seeing the look on her face right now is not going to be helpful. I lock my eyes on Raymond instead. I can’t afford to be distracted. He is already performing far better than I had imagined. At this rate, I can’t say with certainty that I’ll win this.
Raymond cocks his head to one side and charges at me. His approach is still brute force. I easily dodge him, but as soon as he passes me, he sticks his foot between my legs and yanks at one of them. I go crashing to the ground. Raymond doesn’t leave it there. He climbs on top of me and pins me in place. While I’m still disoriented from the fall, he manages to punch me in the ribs. I cover my face to protect it, but it lets him attack my side. I feel a crack, and the pain is blinding. I let out an angry growl and push him off me with full force. He goes reeling to his side. He is squatting on the ground when I get up and kick him in the ribs, right where he had hit me. After several repeated blows, Raymond gives out a cry.
I hear a roar and the tearing of fabric. The next moment, I’m standing against Raymond in his bear form. I have no choice but to transform myself. I can’t win against his bear as a human. I begrudgingly turn into my bear form and land on all fours. I growl in Raymond’s face, and the clamor echoes through the woods. I don’t even want to see the look on Jessica’s face. I just hope she still wants to be with me after this is over.
Raymond hurtles towards me, limping to the side where I had battered his ribs. He throws me to the ground in maddening rage. Then he sits on top of me and claws. One blow after another. I cry from pain which turns into a wailing roar as the assault continues. For a moment, I am pinned to the spot. I don’t have enough degree of freedom in my bear form. I have also not practiced fighting in my bear form, and clearly, Raymond has. He is fleet-footed, and his reflexes are quicker. But I am more balanced and level-headed. I use it to my advantage and focus on what I can do.
Even though I don’t find an opening, I get the idea to jab Raymond right where his ribs are already hurt. It works. He bellows in pain and goes stumbling backward. I charge at him on four limbs. He doesn’t see it coming when I push him to the ground. I claw at his throat, choking him with my claw. He flails his arms. He scratches my hands as I’m pinning him, but he is unable to free himself. I put all of my weight over the bruise on his rib which makes the fight go out of him. I choke him with both my arms now, being very careful because I don’t intend to kill him. I see a bunch of seniors running up to us, some of whom are proctors. One of them is Raymond’s dad. They scream for me to stop. I instantly let go of Raymond when I have ensured I have won.
I don’t stick around for the victory ceremony. I don’t wait at all. I run straight back to the apartment while murmurs run through the crowd. I’ll have to deal with all of it later when I’m not looking like an animal. I don’t want Jessica to see me like this any longer. I change back into my human form once I reach home and put on some clothes, then I crash onto the bed. The pain is unbearable, and it’s everywhere. I grit my teeth to stop myself from screaming out loud, but that hurts, too. I let myself scream after all, and it sounds like the cry of a dying animal. Oh well, the animal part is true. And it definitely feels like I am dying.
I writhe on the bed for a long time before Jessica shows up. I lift a hand to instruct her to not come any closer. My hands are gripping the side where Raymond had hit me, the pain is still pulsing at the spot. He nearly knocked the wind right out of me with that one. He could’ve easily won if he’d done the same thing I did. I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter now. But just as I had suspected, the taste of victory does not bring me any peace or happiness. The only way I console myself is that Raymond is at least not going to be the alpha.
I finally let Jessica come close. She was crying, standing far away, but kept looking at me. What a scared little cat, I thought to myself and laugh then wince as laughing made my gut hurt.
“I am so thankful you are here,” I barely let out, I’m still winded from the fight.
“I was so scared,” Jessica keeps repeating through her tears. I’d console her if I could move, but I can’t. So I reach out to her with my hand that is still functioning and wipe away one of her tears. I don’t have strength left to speak anymore, either. I lie in Jessica’s lap, feeling better now that the fight is behind us. She is still here, does that mean she wouldn’t leave me? Even though she has seen the animal I really am? I should remember to thank my stars for that when I am in decent shape. Jessica asks me something, but words don’t make any sense to me. There is a ringing in my ear, and it gives me a splitting headache. I lose all sense of my surrounding. When I realize again that I am safely nestled in Jessica’s lap, I let myself submit to unconsciousness.
Chapter 25 – Jessica
Joshua is lying unmoving in my arms, and there is only the slightest hint of his chest rising as he breathes. He’s bloody and sweaty and bruised. But at least he is alive, I tell myself. The fight between him and Raymond had been far worse than anything I could’ve imagined. For one, I didn’t think Joshua and Raymond were going to fight in their bear forms. I feel like I’ll have trauma from that for the rest of my life.
I caress Joshua’s hair for hours. For some reason, nobody disturbs us. I like that I finally get to spend a moment of silence with Joshua. It’s been a week since I’ve been around him. Now if only he’d be awake so I can hear his deep, sexy voice that I had gotten used to in the days that I’ve been here.
Joshua’s breathing is starting to become regular as I watch him rest. It calms me down. We’re alright, I tell myself. When he doesn’t wake up for a while, I find myself drifting into slumber. After jerking awake a couple of times trying not to fall asleep, I finally decide to take a nap.
I wake up from a light brush on my cheek. Joshua’s warm hand is touching my face like I’m a soft toy when my eyes flip open.
“Hello, beautiful,” Joshua says and then winces when he tries to move a little.
“Don’t move,” I tell him, taking his hand in mine. I eye the scratch on his face and then count one injury after another, the ones that are in sight at least. “I’d punch you if you weren’t this injured,” I tell him in anger because he’s so wounded. What should be his punishment for getting this hurt, I wonder. I don’t intend to let him walk away so easily.
Joshua manages to kiss my hand despite being unable to move much. I brush the scratch under his eye that has tiny droplets of blood oozing out of it. The muscle under his eye twitches when I do.
“So, I won,” he says with a smirk on his face. The childlike joy in his voice makes me forget all the pain.
“You did,” I agree. “We should get you cleaned up.”
“You must’ve been scared,” he asks. He is serious this time. “Did you feel lonely this past week?”
I only nod because I’m afraid I’ll choke if I try to speak. The lump in my throat refuses to go away. Why am I feeling so emotional? I swallow hard and try to gulp all of my worries away. The storm has passed.
Joshua’s head is in my lap, and I can’t help but fall in love with his gorgeous face all over again even though it’s full of scratches and bruises. He’s here, alive and well. He’s hurt, but things aren’t so bad.
St
aring down at Joshua makes me think of my biggest fear. The fear of losing people I love. Experiencing it first hand, I can say it makes you cling to everything for dear life like the world can end at any moment while you sit and watch it split and crack and crumble.
Joshua asks me to help with cleaning him up, and I obey. He’s quite heavy. I can barely carry any of his weight, so Joshua has to use his own body strength to get out of bed. He lets out a groan every time his foot lands a little too hard on the floor. He is clutching the side of his body as if it’s ripped. It probably is.
“Shouldn’t we go to a doctor?” I ask. I’m certain Joshua has incurred some major injuries. Definitely some fractures in his ribs. He might need stitches in half a dozen places. Like the scratch under his eye.
He is sitting at the edge of the bed about to pick himself up and go to the bathroom. “You know I heal quickly,” he says in a matter-of-fact tone. “All of this will be healed in a week.”
I stand a little dazed in confusion because I don’t understand what he means. Then it hits me. His healing capabilities might be different from a human’s. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. One week is still a long time to heal. Especially, if he will be in this much pain. We can at least get him some painkillers.
“Raymond will also be fine,” Joshua says looking idly into the distance while I’m wondering what can be done to make his week go by a little quicker.
I hadn’t asked anything about Raymond. He was worried about him all on his own. Suddenly, I understand what Eli had meant when he had said Joshua is compassionate. He’s kind like that. It makes me swell with pride at the man in front of me.
It takes us about an hour to clean Joshua’s wounds. I help him slip into comfortable clothes and then instruct him to stay in bed because he keeps trying to move around for one thing or the other.
“Jessica,” he calls me when I am about to leave to fetch the first aid kit. I don’t know whether the first aid is important, but I don’t want to leave Joshua’s wounds bloody like he has no one to take care of him.
“Hm?” I ask.
“You’re not leaving, right?” he asks like a scared little kid. I don’t think he understands that I am physically incapable of leaving his side. Thankfully, so. I’d like to keep that a secret.
“I called Kristen and told her to ship the rest of my stuff here,” I say and smile. “That answers your question, yes?”
He smiles a devilish grin.
I bring the first aid kit and put it on the bed. I sit beside Joshua because I’m afraid if I touch him even a little, it might hurt him. I clean the scratch that still has minuscule blood droplets crusted on it. Then I move onto the scratches on his neck and shoulders. There are about half a dozen deep gashes on his back. The claw marks on his arms seem to have already started healing. That makes me feel a little better. I had to ask Karen for a leave today because I knew I will need to put all my focus on the man in front of me. Good call. Now I can spend the rest of the evening in his company. Oh, how I missed this.
The night when Raymond had shifted into his bear form unbidden was the night I had realized that either Joshua and I are going to make it work with each other or I’m probably spending the rest of my life alone. Nobody has cared for me like Joshua has, other than my mother of course. But parents don’t count. He made me feel like I have someone in this world, someone who’s looking out for me. The thought swirls in my head like a rocking boat on the stormy sea, and I know what it all points to.
We are both quite clueless in this department, I suppose. We are the last ones to find out what has been going on between us this whole time. If Rose hadn’t mentioned that I’m Joshua’s girlfriend, I don’t know how long it would’ve taken us to figure out that we are, in fact, in a relationship. This feeling is something like that. I know what it is. I am sure it’s there, all that’s left to do is to admit it. To say it out loud, to give it life.
I clear my throat before I speak. Joshua cocks his head towards me, and I am sure he has no idea what I’m about to say. All I hope as I try to calm my nerves down is that he feels the same way.
“There’s something I want to tell you,” I say hesitantly. Joshua tenses up. His forehead creases and his expression wilts. I don’t know why he assumes I’m about to say something bad.
So I set the record straight. “Something happy, Joshua. Not something sad. I have something very happy to tell you.” At least, I think it’s happy. He feigns composure, I can tell. He just wouldn’t relax until I’m done saying it. I sigh and try to ignore his incredulous look. He still looks hot even with his eyes drooping. It makes him look like a bad boy straight out of a Hollywood movie. He must get that a lot from women around him since he always gets a serious look to him when he’s working.
I snap out of my reverie. Dreaming about the curl of Joshua’s lip and the scent of his skin is pretty distracting. I shake my head and focus on his warm, brown eyes instead. “You might think that it’s coming out of nowhere, but I’ve been feeling this for a long time. Joshua—” I begin, but his eyes burn a hole through me. Goddamn, I must be dreaming. He looks perfect.
“I love you,” I say, and it comes out like a breeze. Like a whisper that wanted to kiss his salty skin. His eyes widen. I knew he had no idea what I was about to say which makes me laugh. I feel better, admitting it to him. Admitting that I am in love with this incredible man.
“Wow,” he says. “I love you, too, I guess,” he says not even meeting my eyes.
“You guess? You do, or you don’t?” I snap, pouting in disappointment. “I’m pouring my heart out to you.”
He laughs. “I love you, Jessica. It’s just, I had hoped to say it first.”
“Oh.” So, we love each other. That’s progress, I think. Now that the duel is done, I just feel so much lighter. I can finally enjoy this. Enjoy us being together, safe and happy.
Chapter 26 – Joshua
The thing about dreams is that they do come true. Every day, for all of us. But often times dreams aren’t things we think we want. Dreams are feelings. Me, I didn’t know for how long I had been dreaming of putting my demons to rest, for finding something that’s mine to protect, to feel a little less alone in this lifetime. Like most people, I didn’t want to admit that these were the things I really wanted.
No, I want to be alone for the rest of my life, I would say. How naive and foolish. But we fool ourselves like that all the time until life presents an alternative. A path that you couldn’t have foreseen. And when you walk down that path, you realize you’ve been thirsting for water for so long, ready to baptize yourself in it at first sight.
Dreams are a waste of time, I truly believed in that statement ever since Mia passed away. But when you get a taste of your dream, even a tiny sliver, you never really want to go back. You can try to fight it, you can try to resist, but what you really want finds its way to you.
I can say that Jessica is something like that for me. God only knows how she is here by my side. The meeting was fate. But the dream is to have this feeling of her warmth every day for the rest of my life. That, in my opinion, is what you have to yearn for, long for, and reach for until it wedges its way into your life. It’s out there, somewhere. When it finds you, just grab hold of it, and don’t ever let it go.
I wake up with Jessica sleeping next to me, and I don’t know what time it is. It is still dark outside. What I saw was not a nightmare. A dream. A good one, too, perhaps.
I take Jessica’s hand in mine while she’s still asleep. She stirs a little but doesn’t wake up. The rise and fall of her body make me appreciate the passing of time. The luxury of waking up to this, I think to myself, I couldn’t have asked for more. I can spend an eternity cherishing just this.
I try to remember the dream because it’s still almost at the tip of my tongue. I can taste its fogginess in the back of my throat. I know that there was Mia. And there was me. And there was Jessica. We were in a faraway place, I don’t remember seeing the place i
n real life. It didn’t look like a real place, anyway. It looked like one of those movies sets. Beautiful and bare and made-up.
Mia was dressed in a beautiful white gown, she had a flower crown on her head, and petals stuck to her long hair. She looked like an angel. She walked up to where Jessica and I were standing, hand in hand. We were smiling before my eyes locked onto Mia. My smile faded at the sight of her, I don’t really know why. It was one of those things that make total sense in the dream but are hard to logically understand after waking up.
Mia saw the joy drown from my face, and she walked up to me. She placed a soft hand on my cheek. Her brightest sunshine smile danced on her lips. She looked at Jessica and me and mouthed the word “goodbye.” Then she disappeared into the winter mist.
Epilogue
Six months have passed since I have been living with Joshua. Today, I am feeling both nervous and excited. It’s the day of our mating ceremony, and I can’t believe it’s actually happening. How I got here is hardly surprising, though, because this was a long time coming. Joshua didn’t need to wear me down or anything. He had asked, and I had agreed. Did I know what it really meant? Not entirely. But as long as the thing of import remained spending the rest of my days with Joshua, I’ll sign anywhere.
I’m at our apartment, and Rose is helping me get dressed. Much like all of the other bear traditions, I am quite unaware of what’s going to happen at the ceremony, but I’ve begun to enjoy that. Not knowing what’s to come is exhilarating. Joshua doesn’t understand my fascination with having such bold adventures in life. He’s an old, wise soul like that. He likes all of his life mapped and charted. Though, he admits we wouldn’t be together if it weren’t for my bold adventure-loving nature.
