A Trip to Fable Land
"Well," said the Zankiwank as he swallowed another jam tart, "I think wehad better start on our travels at once."
They were all standing under the clock at Charing Cross Station when thestation was closed and everybody else had departed, except the trainwhich the Zankiwank had himself chartered. It was all so odd andstrange, and the gathering was so very motley, that if it had beento-morrow morning instead of last night, Willie and Maude wouldcertainly have said they had both been dreaming. But, of course, theywere not dreaming because they were wide-awake and dressed. Besides,they remembered Charing Cross Station quite well, having startedtherefrom with their father and mother only last summer when they wentto the sea-side for their holidays--and what jolly times they had on thesands! So Maude said promptly, "It is not Night-mare or Dreams orAnything. We don't know what it is, but we must not go to sleep, Willie,in case anything should happen."
Willie replied that he did not want to go to sleep any more. "I believeit's a show," he added, "and somebody's run away with us. How lovely!I'm glad we are lost. Let us go and ask that tall gentleman, who lookslike the parlour-tongs in a bathing-suit, to give us some more buns."For, being a boy, he could always eat buns, or an abundance of them,only I hope you won't tell the nursery governess I told you.
It was the Zankiwank, who was doing some conjuring tricks for thebenefit of the Jackarandajam and Mr Swinglebinks, to whom Williereferred. The Zankiwank was certainly a very curious person to look at.He had very long legs, very long arms, and a very small body, a longneck and a head like a peacock. He was not wearing a bathing suit asWillie imagined, because there were tails to his jacket, hanging downalmost to his heels. He wore a sash round his waist, and his clotheswere all speckled as though he had been peppered with the colours out ofa very large kaleidoscope. The Jackarandajam was also rather tall andthin, but dressed in the very height of fashion, with a flower in hiscoat and a cigarette in his mouth, which he never smoked because henever lit it. He was believed by all the others--you shall know who allthe others were presently--to know more things than the Man-in-the-Moon,because he nearly always said something that nobody else ever thoughtof. And the Man-in-the-Moon knows more things than the Old Woman ofMars. You have naturally heard all about Mars--at least, if you have notheard all about her, you all have heard about her, which is just thesame thing, only reversed.
There was an Old Woman of Mars Who'd constantly say "Bless my stars, There's the Sun and the Moon And the Earth in a swoon, All dying for par-tic-u-lars-u-lars! Of this planet of mine called Mars!"
Mr Swinglebinks, unlike his two companions, was short, stout, anddreadfully important. In Fable Land, where we are going as soon as westart for that happy place, he kept a grocer's shop once upon a time. Asnobody cared a fig for his sugar and currants, however, he retired frombusiness and took to dates and the making of new almanacks, and was nowtravelling about for the benefit of his figures. He was very strong onarithmetic, and could read, write, and arith-metise before he went toschool, so he never went at all.
While the Zankiwank was talking to his friends an unseen porter rang anunseen bell, and called out in an unknown tongue:--
"Take your seats for Fableland, Which stands upon a Tableland, And don't distress the guard. And when you pass the Cableland Say nothing to the Gableland Because it hurts the guard."
"We must put that porter back in the bottle," said the Jackarandajam,"we shall want some bottled porter to drink on the road."
"Well," said Maude, "what a ridiculous thing to say. We don't bottlerailway porters, I am sure."
"I wish the Bletherwitch would come," exclaimed the Zankiwank, "we shallmiss the next train. She is most provoking. She promised to be herethree weeks ago, and we have been waiting ever since."
This astounding statement quite disturbed Willie, who almost swallowed abun in his excitement. Had he and Maude been waiting there three weeksas well? What would they think at home? You see Maude and Willie, whowere brother and sister, had been on a visit to their grandmama; and ontheir way home they had fallen asleep in the carriage, after havingrepeated to each other all the wonderful fairy tales their grandmamahad related to them. How long they had slept they could not guess, butwhen they woke up, instead of finding themselves at home in St George'sSquare, they discovered that they were at Charing Cross Station. Mary,their nurse, had disappeared, so had John the coachman, and it was theZankiwank who had opened the door and assisted them to alight, saying atthe same time most politely--
"I assist you to alight, because it is so dark."
Then he gave them buns and chocolates, icecreams, apples, pears, shrimpsand cranberry tarts. So it stands to reason that after such a mixturethey were rather perplexed. However, they did not seem very muchdistressed, and as they were both fond of adventures, especially inbooks, they were quite content to accept the Zankiwank's offer to takethem for a ride in the midnight-express to Fable Land, over which, aseverybody knows, King AEsop reigns. Maudie was nine and a half and Williewas eight and a quarter. Very nice ages indeed, unless you happen to beyounger or older, and then your own age is nicer still.
"I think," said the Zankiwank, "that we will start without theBletherwitch. She knows the way and can take a balloon."
"If she takes a balloon she will lose it. You had better let the balloontake her," exclaimed the Jackarandajam severely.
"Take your places! Take your places!" cried the unseen porter. Soeverybody made a rush for the train, and they all entered a Pullman Carand sat down on the seats.
"Dear me! How very incorrectly that porter speaks. He means, of course,that the seats should take, or receive us."
The Zankiwank only smiled, while Mr Swinglebinks commenced counting upto a hundred, but as he lost one, he could only count up toninety-nine--so, to keep his arithmetic going, he subtracted atime-piece from his neighbour's pocket, multiplied his foot-warmers, anddivided his attention between the Wimble and the Wamble, who were bothof the party, being left-handed and deaf.
Maudie and Willie took their places in the car with all the otherpassengers amid a perfect babel of chattering and laughing and crying,and then, as the train began to slowly move out of the station, theZankiwank solemnly sang the following serious song:--
OFF TO FABLE LAND.
The midnight train departs at three, To Fable Land we go, For this express is nothing less Than a steamer, don't you know! We're sailing now upon the Thames, All in a penny boat, And we soon shall change for a mountain range, In the atmosphere to float!
So off we go to Fable Land-- (Speak kindly to the guard!) Which many think a Babel-land, But this you disregard. You'll find it is a Stable-land, With stables in the yard-- A possible, probable, Able-land, So do not vex the guard!
We've left behind us Charing Cross, And all the town in bed; For it is plain, though in this train, We're standing on our head! We're riding now in Bedfordshire, Which is the Land of Nod; And yet in the sky we are flying high, Which seems extremely odd!
So off we go to Fable Land-- (Speak kindly to the guard!) Which many think a Babel-land, But this you disregard. You'll find it is a Stable-land, With stables in the yard-- A possible, probable, Able-land, So do not vex the guard!
Maudie and Willie found themselves joining lustily in the chorus whenthe Zankiwank pulled the cord communicating with the guard, and,opening the window, climbed out on to the top of the carriage callingall the time:--
"Guard! Guard! Guard! Don't go so hard, Just give the brake a hitch! To Charing Cross return-- Nay, do not look so stern-- For I would not tell a cram, I must send a telegram, To my darling little Bletherwitch."
So the guard turned the train round, and they went back to Charing Crossas quick as lightning.
"It's my fault," moaned the Jackarandajam, "I ought to have remindedyou. Never mind, we will put on another engi
ne."
So the Zankiwank got out and sent a telegram to the Bletherwitch, anddesired her to follow on in a balloon.
Again they started, and everybody settled down until the train reachedthe British Channel, when it dived through a tunnel into an uninhabitedcountry, where the post-office clerk popped his head into the carriagewindow and handed in a telegram.
"_From the Bletherwitch, To the Zankiwank._
Don't wait tea. Gone to the Dentists."
"Extremely thoughtful," exclaimed everybody. But the Zankiwank wept, andexplained to the sympathetic Maude that he was engaged to be married tothe Bletherwitch, and he had been waiting for her for fourteen years."Such a charming creature. I will introduce you when she comes. Fancy,she is only two feet one inch and one third high. Such a suitable heightfor a bride."
"What," expostulated Willie and Maude together, "she's no bigger thanour baby! And you are quite----"
"Eight feet and one half of an inch."
"How disproportionate! It seems to me to be a most unequal match,"answered Maude. "What does her mother say?"
"Oh, she hasn't got any mother, you know. That would not do. She hasbeen asleep for two thousand years, and has only just woke up to thefact that I am her destiny."
"She is only joking," declared Maude. "Two thousand years! She _must_ bejoking!"
"No," replied the Zankiwank somewhat sadly, "she is not joking. Shenever jokes. She is of Scottish descent," he added reflectively. "I hopeshe will keep her appointment. I am afraid she is rather giddy!----"
"Giddy! Well, if she has waited two thousand years before making up hermind to go to the dentists she must be giddy. I am afraid you are notspeaking the truth."
Before any reply could be given the Guard came to the window and saidthey would have to go back to Charing Cross again as he forgot to payhis rent, and he always paid his rent on Monday.
"But this is _not_ Monday," said Willie. "Yesterday was Monday. To-dayis to-morrow you know, therefore it is Tuesday. Pay your landlady doublenext Monday and that will do just as well."
The Guard hesitated.
"Don't vex the Guard," they all said in chorus.
"I am not vexed," said the Guard, touching his hat. "Do you think itwould be right to pay double? You see my landlady is single. She mightnot like it."
"Write 'I. O. U.' on a post-card and send it to her. It will do just aswell, if not better," suggested Mr Swinglebinks.
So the Guard sent the post-card; but in his agitation he told theengineer driver to go straight ahead instead of round the corner. Theconsequence was that they were run into by a Demon on a bicycle, andthrown out of the train down a coal mine. Luckily there were no coals inthe mine so it did not matter, and they went boldly forward--that is tosay, Willie and Maude did, and knocked at the front door of a handsomehouse that suddenly appeared before them.
Nobody opened the door, so they walked in. They looked behind them, butcould not see the Zankiwank or any of the passengers in the train;therefore, not knowing what else to do, they went upstairs. Theyappeared to be walking up stairs for hours without coming to a landingor meeting with anyone, and the interminable steps began to growmonotonous. Presently they heard a scuffling and a stamping and aroaring behind them and something or somebody began to push them mostrudely until at last the wall gave way, the stairs gave way, they gaveway, and tumbled right on to the tips of their noses.
"Out of the way! Out of the way!" screamed a chorus of curious voices,and Maude and Willie found themselves taken by the hand by aweird-looking dwarf with a swivel eye and an elevated proboscis, and ledout of danger.
The children could not help gazing upon their preserver, who was sogrotesquely formed, with a humped back, twisted legs, very long arms,and such a funny little body without any neck. But his eyes atoned foreverything--they sparkled and glinted in their sockets like bright browndiamonds--only there are no brown diamonds, you know, only white andpink ones.
The Dwarf did not appear to mind the wondering looks of the children atall, but patted them on the cheeks and told them not to be frightened.But whether he meant frightened of himself, or of the Birds, Beasts, andFishes that were hurrying by in such confusing masses, they could nottell. One thing, however, that astonished them very much was thedeference with which they greeted their quaint rescuer, as they passedby. For every creature from the Lion to the Mouse bowed most politelyas they approached him, and then went on their way gaily frisking, forthis was their weekly half-holiday.
"How do you like my Menagerie," enquired the Dwarf. "Rough and ready,perhaps, but as docile as a flat-iron if you treat them properly."
"It is just like the Zoo," declared Willie. "Or the animals in AEsop'sFables," suggested Maude.
This delighted the Dwarf very much, for though he looked so serious, hewas full of good humour and skipped about with much agility.
"Good! Good!" he cried. "AEsop and the Zoo! Ha! Ha! He! He! Anybody canbe a Zoo but only one can be AEsop, and I am he!"
"AEsop! Are you really Mr AEsop, the Phrygian Philosopher?" cried Maude.
"_King_ AEsop, I should say," corrected Willie. "I am glad we have metyou, because now, perhaps, you will kindly tell us what a Fable reallyis."
"A Fable," said the merry AEsop, with a twinkle in his witty eyes, "is afictitious story about nothing that ever happened, related by nobodythat ever lived. And the moral is, that every one is quite innocent,only they must not do it again!"
"Ah! that is only your fun," said Willie sagely, "because of the moral.Why do they give you so many morals?"
"I don't know," answered AEsop gravely. "But the Commentators and Editorsdo give a lot of applications and morals to the tales of my animals,don't they?"
"I like a tale with a moral," averred Maude, "it finishes everything upso satisfactorily, I think. Now, Mr AEsop, as you know so much, pleasetell us what a proverb is?"
"Ah!" replied Mr AEsop, "I don't make proverbs. There are too manyalready, but a proverb usually seems to me to be something you alwaystheoretically remember to practically forget."
Neither of the children quite understood this, though Maude thought itwas what her papa would call satire, and satire was such a strange wordthat she could never fully comprehend the meaning.
Willie was silent too, like his sister, and seeing them deep in thought,King AEsop waved a little wand he had in his hand, and all the Birds andBeasts and Fishes joined hands and paws, and fins and wings, and dancedin a circle singing to the music of a quantity of piping birds in thetrees:--
If you want to be merry and wise, You must all be as bright as you can, You never must quarrel, Or spoil a right moral, But live on a regular plan. You must read, write and arith-metise, Or you'll never grow up to be good; And you mustn't say "Won't," Or "I shan't" and "I don't," Or disturb the Indicative Mood.
So round about the Knowledge Tree, Each boy and girl must go, To learn in school the golden rule, And Duty's line to toe!
If you want to be clever and smart, You must also be ready for play, And don't be too subtle When batting your shuttle, But sport in a frolicsome way. With bat and with ball take your part, Or with little doll perched on your knee, You sing all the time, To a nursery rhyme, Before you go in to your tea!
So round about the Sunset Tree Each boy and girl should go To play a game of--What's its name? That is each game--you know!
After merrily joining in this very original song, with dancingaccompaniment, Maude and Willie thanked King AEsop for permitting hisanimals to entertain them.
"Always glad to please good little boys and girls, you know," hereplied pleasantly, "even in their play they furnish us with a new fableand a moral."
"And that is?"
"All play and no work makes the world stand still."
Before they could ask for an explanation, their attention was once moredrawn to the animals, who had commenced playing all kinds of games justthe same
as they themselves played in the play-ground at school. TheToads were playing Leap-frog; the Elephants and the Bears, Fly theGarter; the Dromedaries, Hi! Spie! Hi! while the snakes were trundlingtheir hoops. The Lions and the Lambs were playing at cricket with theDonkeys as fielders and the Wombat as umpire.
The Frogs were in a corner by themselves playing "Kiss in the Ring," andcrying out:--
"It isn't you! It isn't you! We none of us know what to do,"
in a very serio-comic manner. Then the Storks and the Cranes and theGeese and the Ganders were standing in a circle singing:--
Sally, Sally Waters, Sitting in the Moon, With the camel's daughters, All through the afternoon! Oh Sally! Bo Sally! Where's your dusting pan; My Sally! Fie Sally! Here is your young man!
In another part the Crabs, the Sheep, and the Fox, were vowing thatLondon Bridge was Broken Down, because they had not half-a-crown, whichseemed a curious reason. Then all the rest of the wild creatures, Birds,Beasts, and Fishes, commenced an extraordinary dance, singing, croaking,flapping their fins and spreading their wings, to these words:--
We are a crowd of jolly boys, All romping on the lea; We always make this merry noise, When we return from sea.
So we go round and round and round, Because we've come ashore; For Topsy Turvey we are bound, So round again once more.
Go in and out of the coppice, Go in and out at the door; And do not wake the poppies, Who want to have a snore.
It was too ridiculous; they could recognise every animal they had readabout in AEsop, and they were all behaving in a manner they littledreamed could be possible, out of a Night-mare. But it certainly was nota Night-mare, though they could distinguish several horses and ponies.
They never seemed to stop in their games, and even the Ants and theGnats were playing--and above all a game of football,--though as someplayed according to Association and some to Rugby rules, of course itwas rather perplexing to the on-lookers. When they grew tired ofwatching the Animal World enjoying their holiday, they turned to consultKing AEsop, but to their astonishment, he was not near them--he hadvanished! And when they turned round the other way the Animals hadvanished too, and they were quite alone. Indeed everything seemed todisappear, even the light that had been their guide so long, and theybegan to tremble with fear and apprehension.
Not a sound was to be heard, and darkness gradually fell around them.They held each other by the hand, and determined to go forward, but totheir dismay they could not move! They were glued to the earth. Theytried to speak, but their tongues stuck to the roofs of their mouths,and they were in great distress. "Where, Oh where was the Zankiwank?"they wondered in their thoughts. And a buzzing in their ears took up therefrain:--
The Zankiwank, the Zankiwank, Oh where, Oh where is the Zankiwank? He brought us here, and much we fear His conduct's far from Franky-wank! The Zankiwank, the Zankiwank, He has gone to seek the Bletherwitch, Oh the Zankiwank, 'tis a panky prank To leave us here to die in a ditch.
"A telegram, did you say? For me, of course, what an age you have been.How is my blushing bride? Let me see--
'_From the Bletherwitch, Nonsuch Street, To the Zankiwank, Nodland._
Forgot my new shoes, and the housemaid's killed the parrot. Put the kettle on.'"
Then the children heard some sobbing sound soughing through the silenceand they knew that they were saved. Also that the Zankiwank was weeping.So with a strong effort Maude managed to call out consolingly,"Zankiwanky, dear! don't cry, come and let me comfort you."
But the Zankiwank refused to be comforted. However, he came forwardmuttering an incantation of some sort, and Maude and Willie findingthemselves free, rushed forward and greeted him.
"Hush, my dears, the Nargalnannacus is afloat on the wild, wild main. Wemust be careful and depart, or he will turn us into somethingunpleasant--the last century or may be the next, as it is close at hand,and inexpensive. Follow me to the ship that is waiting in the BayWindow, and we will go and get some Floranges."
Carefully Maudie and Willie followed the Zankiwank, each holding on bythe tails of his coat, glad enough to go anywhere out of the Blacknessof the Dark.
Soon they found themselves in Window Bay, and climbing up the sides of amighty ship with five funnels and a red-haired captain.
"Quick," called the Captain, "the Nargalnannacus is on the lee scuppersjust off the jibboom brace. Make all sail for the Straights ofBallambangjan, and mind the garden gate."
Then the Zankiwank became the man at the wheel, and the vessel scuddedbefore the wind as the two children went off into a trance.
The Zankiwank and The Bletherwitch: An Original Fantastic Fairy Extravaganza Page 3
