by Matson , TC
“Had I gone with them that night, they’d still be alive and here.”
She shakes her head. “Or you could’ve died right along beside them. Although, in a way you did. You might not have physically, but seems to me you did emotionally.”
I don’t have a reply so I stay quiet.
“You’re living with guilt that you need to let go. It’s a useless emotion. Keeps you looking behind and makes you think misfortunes and disappointments are your fault. You don’t have the authority to decide who stays or who goes.” She leans on the arm of her chair and points her bony finger at me. “I’ll tell you one thing, you’re looking at it all wrong. Your experiences have made you strong, whether you realize it or not. Hell, you’re out helping kids be strong and teaching them no matter what life throws at them they can make it. Those boys of yours. What do you want them to get out of life?”
“Everything.” My response is automatic. “Success, marriage, kids. The whole shebang. They deserve it.”
“And you don’t?”
Her question smacks me.
Wrinkles push up under her eyes as she smiles. “That’s what I thought.” She leans back into her seat. “You don’t believe you deserve it yet the kids in your situation do. Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean the chances in life aren’t yours to take too. Question is are you going to let them pass? Is what you’re feeling enough to grab ahold of?”
The room falls quiet as she watches a bit of a court case about a man upset with the next-door neighbor’s trees dropping leaves in his yard.
“She’s got trust issues.” For a second, I think she’s talking about the woman on TV until she continues. “They stem from that no-good worthless excuse for a mother of hers walking away after seven years. Up and left like they meant nothing, never looking back like she didn’t care. That one incident in her life feeds her insecurities and they run deep. I love you doesn’t mean anything without actions behind it to prove it, but actions alone aren’t enough. She stays up here too much.” She taps her temple. “She’s got ugly scars there. If you want Pea in your life, you’ve got to let her in. Give her all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. Let her figure out if she can handle it. Don’t take away that choice because you’re scared and actin’ selfish.”
I open my mouth to argue but she quickly shuts me up. “It’s selfish and you know it. It’s not fair to both of ya. Show her you. My bettin’ is on her. That girl’s got a heart of gold.” Her finger bounces at me again. “If you love her, love her insecurities too. She doesn’t need to be fixed, only proven wrong. Same goes for you.”
Nothing else is said about Kenlyn after that. She dropped the subject and focused on the cases shown, discussing openly what she thinks is “downright stupid” and how people like to hear themselves bitch.
Dotty’s right. I’ve got to bare all to Kenlyn and let her in. I might be scared the universe will take her from me, but I’m more petrified to live my life without her. She’s tattooed her name on my heart and owns every piece of me.
Chapter Thirty-Three
My nerves are shot as I mingle with the people. I’m trying to focus on the conversations around me, but I catch myself scanning the room for the one person I’m not sure I’m ready to see. The reckless man with all the secrets who had my heart and broke it because he couldn’t trust me enough to let me into his life.
The whole thing just solidified my thoughts of only being his temporary plaything. I played right into his plans, and I’m pissed that I let myself get hurt.
Lucia nonchalantly bumps into me and brings me back to the conversation, just as Kathryn, the owner of Pure Therapy and America’s leading supplier of natural body care, aromatherapy, and plant therapy, as well as being one of Graffix’s biggest companies, greets us.
“Ladies.” Her smile is warm. The woman makes growing old look like something we should look forward to. In her sixties, her skin glows and is wrinkle free, her dark gray hair is luxuriant, and her body is one of a twenty-four-year-old. She’s found the fountain of youth and refuses to share.
“Kathryn. It’s so good to see you,” Lucia welcomes her. “Of course, you’d come to make us all jealous of your beauty.”
Kathryn, humble to her soul, shakes her head with a small titter. “You two should look in the mirror. You’re both very beautiful.”
Movement over her shoulder catches my eye. Even across the room, his silver-blues glint under the lighting and the pull to him is just as strong as it was months ago. My stomach twists. He’s shaking hands with a few other men, the tuxedo he wears, sharp lines and crisp, fitting snugly against his body. His smile is easy and dare I say polished, like he’s worked these types of events before. It’s a reminder that there’s a whole other side to him I’ve never seen, and it makes my chest hurt. A sudden burst of emotions clogs my throat and forms a lump.
“That piece you did on our new lotion scents was perfect and just stunning,” Kathryn tells me, bringing me back to reality before I tumble into tears. “Thank you.” I plaster a smile on my face, not missing a beat. “The samples you sent were all the inspiration I needed. Also, I need more,” I titter.
“I’m glad you enjoyed them. That particular line has become my favorite. They reduce stress while they exfoliate your skin. What more could a woman want?”
“Bath bombs,” I suggest.
Her manicured brows raise as a pleased smile slips across her lips. “Bath and shower products are next on our list to add to that specific line.”
“I have a feeling I’ll be broke soon.”
“I had a feeling you’d be discussing work instead of enjoying yourself,” an older gentleman, a James Bond type, grins as he greets Kathryn and kisses her cheeks.
She beams. “Ladies, this is Aaron Wilson, owner of Renewed Energy and a large funder of One2One Foster Care. Also, my biggest admirer,” she adds coquettishly as he grins to her. “Aaron, this is Kenlyn and Lucia from Graffix. They’re the geniuses behind the miracles.”
My breath hitches at hearing One2One, but I rein in emotions and pull out professional composure as Lucia and I shake his hand.
“I’ve heard Julia will be our guest speaker today,” Kathryn practically purrs.
Pride pulls his lips higher. “She will be. She met with Mr. Broderick last week to speak about his experiences and to discuss the pros and cons about creating a web division of the company—a one-stop shop, so to speak.”
The meeting that shattered our relationship.
“And speaking of the devil.” Delight illuminates Aaron’s grin as he looks past my shoulder. I know who it is without turning. I can feel him, feel the pull he has on me. “Were your ears burning?”
The air in my lungs is trapped. My mouth clamps tightly as Ash steps beside me and shakes Aaron’s outstretched hand. “Aaron. How’ve you been?”
I don’t chance a look to Ash, scared everyone around will hear the fracture in my heart crack further. Lucia brushes my elbow with hers, a silent way to show me she’s right here with me. To ground me. To lift me.
The scent of his cologne and the heat from his body sends my mind reeling. I feel like I’m going to puke as my stomach revolts with the sudden burst of emotions. My fingers tremble. “Excuse me,” I say softly as I smile and step away.
Tears burn the backs of my eyes, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them fall. Not here. Not for him, not anymore. I’ve cried enough over him.
Moving toward the restroom to compose myself, I’m caught off guard when Ash steps up beside me, grasping my hand. He hooks my arm through his and places my hand on his bicep, never letting go. It looks natural. We look natural. Like a happy couple walking through the event.
“What are you doing?” I hiss behind my false smile.
“You look gorgeous tonight.”
His hand tightens over mine when I try pulling it away as he detours us away from the direction of the restrooms. “Ash.” It’s a deathly low warning, but he ignores me, chuckling.
I’m led, though it’s more like dragged, across the room trying to keep up with his purposeful strides. Politely, he nods at people who try stopping him for conversation, apologizing and promising to find them in a few minutes as he excuses us. It’s professional and cordial—so unlike Ash.
We reach a black door in a dim hallway and he slips us into an empty room. The moment the door shuts behind us, he cups my face and crashes a kiss on me while he twists my back against the door. I try fighting against it, my body tensing, but the moment his tongue slips in and he groans from the back of his throat, I melt into him. Momentarily, I let myself revel in the feeling, soaking in everything I’ve missed.
Pressing my palms against his chest, I push him. “Stop.”
“I’ve missed you.”
“Doesn’t give you the right to put your hands or your mouth on me.” I’m mad and turned on, panting my protest.
“You haven’t answered my calls.”
“I told you I was done and I meant it. You have no right waltzing in here and hauling me into a room like a caveman.”
His shoulders slump. He rakes his hands over his face. “Kenlyn. Please. Talk to me. I screwed up but let me fix this.”
“There’s been too much secrecy, Ash. Your friends, One2One, Ollie and Cody, your life. You keep asking me to trust you but give me reason after excuses not to. I can’t do this anymore.” I swipe at the tear that falls over. “It’s done.”
He might have led me into the room, but I’m forced on shaky legs to hold myself up as I leave and make my way to the bathroom.
* * *
Tonight, she’s beautiful in a peach-colored maxi dress. The same woman I saw Ash with the other night steps up to the podium with a radiating smile. Jealousy and anger swirl deep in my stomach and reach up to wrap around my heart. With Lucia beside me, we stand closer to the back, under the cloak of dim light.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Julia Hansen, director of One2One Foster Care Division. When Promise Hope asked me to be the guest speaker, I couldn’t have been more elated to share that we’ve been working on a new web-based division. But a few minutes ago, I was approached by a friend, one who works directly with One2One Mentoring, and was asked if he could share a few things. Since I’ve known him most of his life, I know what he’s about to share is important. So without further ado, please welcome Asher Broderick.”
Claps erupt. My heart leaps into my throat and my body tingles.
Julia squeezes his arm as he steps up to the podium and takes a huge breath. He looks out over the crowd. Although he seems confident, I see the anxiety in his eyes. He may be in his element singing in front of a crowd on the street, but this? He’s uncomfortable.
“Some of you know me through my father, Martin Broderick. Others from my mother, Kathy. She’d always say I was the apple of her eye.” He chuckles shaking his head. “I could do no wrong in her eyes, mainly because I swear she was half blind.” Soft laughter fills the room. “Dad never missed my practices, school functions, or anything else for that matter. When I was rebellious or mad at the world, he’d talk with love while giving me that stern glare he was known for. Mom was a saint for putting up with me. She did it with love and a great deal of patience, especially when you put my sister Jenny and me in the same room. Jenny might have been my best friend, but she was still the annoying sister. Once we got into a fight at the breakfast table. We’d always torture one another until someone broke. This particular time, Jenny was mad. Boy was she mad at me. I had put a frog under her blankets before she went to bed and apparently she didn’t realize it until the next morning. She was fit to kill me, but by mom’s hands. When no one was looking, she took her plate and dumped it over her head and blamed me.” He laughs. “God, I was so grounded for that.” Chuckles and laughs echo around me.
“What most of you don’t know is Martin and Kathy—Mom and Dad—adopted me. My biological mother abandoned me on the steps of a church when I was only a few hours old. Thankfully, the preacher found me and Mom and Dad loved me.” He swallows, his smile so sad it’s heartbreaking. “And if you know us, you’ll know I’m an orphan twice over.”
My heart drops along with my mouth.
“Once by parents who didn’t want me and the other time by an accident that ripped my entire family away from me. Julia came to me last week to explain how she has a vision of a web-based division. Everything at everyone’s fingertips. She asked me about my aftermath. I spent an hour trying to evade her questions, but like she said, she’s known me for a long time. Plus, her dad’s a lawyer so she’s pretty damn good at getting information when she wants it. Runs in her veins.” He drops his view, looking down at the podium. “I was numb. Lost and confused. Then I became destructive. I dropped out of college, lost my job, and began to drink myself half to death. I blamed,” he pauses and shakes his head. “I blame myself. If I had been there, the wreck wouldn’t have happened and I’d still have the greatest parents and best sister. Why was I allowed to move on when my family couldn’t? I was mad at everything.”
He shifts. “Thing is, after everyone stopped checking on me and life resumed, that’s when I was hit the hardest. I was entirely alone. No resources, none that I knew of anyway. Nothing was readily or easily available. When I tried, I got so overwhelmed by the sheer number of options. I didn’t understand the difference in therapists, and nothing was written in black and white, so I gave up and drank. Besides, I thought I’d be fine.”
He clears his throat, scans the crowd again, and focuses just to my left. “Turns out I’m not—a hard lesson I’ve learned just this week.” His eyes slide to meet my gaze for the briefest of seconds before adjusting back to the wall. “Since the accident, I’ve never let anyone close to me, swallowed by the worry that if the universe found out, they’d be ripped away and I’d be left reeling again. It would be my punishment for not being there to protect my family. Had I just gone. Had I not had to work.” His voice wavers and his gaze drops back to his hands. “That shit’s debilitating. Crippling. Eventually, I did start seeing a therapist. A friend of my father’s came by and recommended him. We have a love-hate relationship and he likes to talk…a lot. But I quit seeing him a few years back when I started working with One2One.” When he looks back up, his smile is prideful. “I mentor a group of incredible boys with so much potential. Their lives aren’t easy, some experiencing incarcerated parents, foster care, or death of a parent. Their families can’t afford groceries some weeks, let alone help from a professional. I’ve seen firsthand where your donations go. They help. I swear they do. And they will even more when the web division kicks off and is at the fingertips of anyone who may need it. Julia promised it would be easy to understand, easy to use, and readily available. How she explained it, I wish…”
Turning to Lucia, I squeeze her arm. “I’m heading out.”
Ash just spilled his story to a group of strangers. The pain in his voice, the sorrow in his eyes…I need air. I can’t breathe in here anymore. And most importantly, I need to process.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I just… I need air,” I admit. “That was a lot. Stay here. I’ll see you soon.”
Quietly, I slip out of the gala and into the night air, hauling in several deep breaths.
Chapter Thirty-Four
After my speech—the one that felt like I was standing butt ass naked in front of the crowd while exposing my heart—Julia took back over and explained her vision. A few people came and offered their condolences, others stopped to say my speech made an impact. But the one person I wanted to see disappeared from the back of the crowd while I was still behind the podium.
I knew the moment she walked away from me in the back room, I was too late. But I had already planned on it and there was no backing out. It was time to face my fears and move on with my life. I deserve to show off the happiness Kenlyn gave me.
There’s laughter on the other side of the door, Ollie and Cody cutting up, and it pulls a smile from me that
I didn’t think I had in me. But the moment I step in, my chest constricts. Kenlyn’s sitting around the coffee table on the floor with the boys in the deep burgundy dress from the gala, laughing with them. Cody’s got a mouthpiece that stretches his mouth wide, face red and tears in his eyes from laughing.
Ollie spots me first and his face falters. He jumps to his feet. “She said it was okay we stay up late.”
Kenlyn blesses me with a sweet smile. “A little fun on a Saturday night won’t hurt anyone,” she says as she gets to her feet. “Go wash these and let’s clean up.” The boys do as they’re told, still laughing as they fold up the board and place the cards back into their holders.
I shrug out of my tux jacket, loosen my tie—because I refuse to wear a stupid bowtie—and unbutton the suffocating top button of my shirt.
Ollie wraps his arms around my waist. “Don’t be mad.”
I chuckle, doing my best to give him a hug back. “Dude. No way I could be mad with the way you two were laughing.”
His lips contort to the side. “You saying if I get in trouble all I need to do is laugh and I’m off the hook?”
I arch a brow. “Try it and see what happens.”
“We’ll head to bed now.” Cody grabs Ollie’s arm and tugs him out of the living room, whispering under his breath at how he needs to learn to shut up. It causes me to chuckle.
“I’m sorry I left,” Kenlyn’s voice is barely a whisper. “I needed time to sort things out. Process it.”
The hard questions are coming next. I can feel it in my gut so I move us outside to the balcony where fresh air can keep me calm.
“Did you think I’d judge you?” she asks, her eyes glinting from the lights of the city.
