by John McElroy
CHAPTER X. SHORTY AS ORDERLY
HAS A TOUR OF DUTY AT THE GENERAL'S HEADQUARTERS.
"WELL," said the General, after he had listened to Shorty's story, andquestioned him a little, "you are all right now. I'll take care of you.The Surgeon says that you are not fit to go back to the front, and willnot be for some time. They have got more sick and convalescents downthere now than they can take good care of. The army's gone into Winterquarters, and will probably stay there until Spring opens, so thatthey don't need either of us. I'll detail you as Orderly at theseHeadquarters, and you can go back with me when I do."
"I s'pose that's all right and satisfactory," said Shorty, saluting."It's got to be, anyway. In the army a man with a star on his shoulder'sgot the last say, and kin move the previous question whenever he wantsto. I never had no hankerin' for a job around Headquarters, and now thatI'm a Korpril I ought to be with my company. But they need you worse'nthey do me, and I've noticed that you was always as near the front asanybody, so I don't think I'll lose no chances by stayin' with you."
"I promise you that we shall both go as soon as there's any prospect ofsomething worth going for," said the General, smiling. "Report there toWilson. He will instruct you as to your duties."
Wilson's first instructions were as to Shorty's personal appearance. Hemust get a clean shave and a hair-cut, a necktie, box of paper collars,a pair of white gloves, have blouse neatly brushed and buttoned to histhroat and his shoes polished.
"Dress parade every day?" asked Shorty, despairingly.
"Just the same as dress parade every day," answered the Chief Clerk."Don't want any scarecrows around these Headquarters. We're on dressparade all the time before the people and other soldiers, and mustshow them how soldiers ought to appear. You'll find a barber-shop and abootblack around the corner. Make for them at once, and get yourself inshape to represent Headquarters properly."
"Don't know but I'd ruther go to the front and dig rifle-pits than towear paper collars and white gloves every day in the week," soliloquizedShorty, as he walked out on the street. "Don't mind 'em on Sunday, whenyou kin take 'em off agin when the company's dismissed from parade; butto put 'em on in the mornin' when you git up, and wear 'em till you goto bed at night--O, Jehosephat! Don't think I've got the constitutionto stand that sort o' thing. But it's orders, and I'll do it, even if itgives me softenin' o' the brain. Here, you--(beckoning to a bootblack),put a 250-pounder Monitor coat o' polish on them Tennessee Rivergunboats. Fall in promptly, now."
The little darky gave an estimating glance at the capacious cowhides,which had not had a touch of the brush since being drawn from theQuarter master, and then yelled to a companion on the other side of thestreet:
"Hey, Taters, come lend me a spit. I'se got a' army contrack."
"Vhat golor off a gravat do you vant?" asked the Jewish vender ofhaberdashery, who was rapidly amassing a fortune from the soldiers."Dere's plack, red, kreen, plue--all lofely golors, unt de vinest kintoff silk. Yoost de same as Cheneral Krant vears. He puys lods off me.Von't puy off nopody else vhen he gan ket to me. Now, dere's vun dat'llyoost suit your light gomplexion. You gan vear dat on St. Batrick'sday."
And he picked out one of bright green that would have made Shorty'sthroat seem in wild revolt against his hair.
"Well, I don't know," said Shorty meditatively, pulling over the lot.Then a thought struck him. Taking out the bit of Maria's dress, he said:
"Give me something as near as possible the color of that."
"Veil, I've kot rid off datt off-golored negdie, dat I fought I nefervould sell," meditated the Jew, as Shorty left. "I'm ahet yoost atollar-unt-a-haluf on aggount off dat vild Irishman's kirl. Veil, dekirls ket some fellers into sgrapes, unt helps udders oud."
With this philosophical observation the Jew resumed his pleasant work ofmarking up his prices to better accord with his enlarged views as to theprofits he could get off the soldiers.
When Shorty returned to Headquarters, neatly shaven and brushed, andtook the position of a soldier before the Chief Clerk, that functionaryremarked approvingly:
"Very good, very good, indeed. You'll be an ornament to Headquarters."
And the General, entering the room at that time, added:
"Yes, you are as fine a looking soldier as one would wish to see, and anexamaple to others. But you have not your Corporal's chevrons on. Allowme to present you with a pair. It gives me pleasure, for you have wellearned them."
Stepping back into his office he returned with the chevrons in his hand.
"There, find a tailor outside somewhere to sew them on. You are now anon-commissioned officer on my staff, and I expect you to do all you canto maintain its character and dignity."
Shorty's face flushed with pride as he saluted, and thought, withoutsaying:
"You jest bet I will. Any loafer that don't pay proper respect to thishere staff'll git his blamed neck broke."
"Here," said the Chief Clerk, handing Shorty an official envelope, whenthe latter returned from having his chevrons sewed on. "Take this downto Col. Billings. Mind you do it in proper style. Don't get to sassingold Billings. Stick the envelope in your belt, walk into the office,take the position of a soldier, salute, and hand him the envelope,saying, 'With the compliments of the General,' salute again, about-face,and walk out."
"I'll want to punch his rotten old head off the minute I set eyes onhim," remarked Shorty, sotto voce; "but the character and dignity of thestaff must be maintained."
Lieut.-Col. Billings started, and his face flushed, when he saw Shortystalk in, severely erect and soldierly. Billings was too little of asoldier to comprehend the situation. His first thought was that Shorty,having been taken under the General's wing, had come back to triumphover him, and he prepared himself with a volley of abuse to meet that ofhis visitor. But Shorty, with stern eyes straight to the front, marchedup to him, saluted in one-two-three time, drew the envelope from hisbelt, and thrusting it at him as he would his gun to the inspectingofficer on parade, announced in curtly official tones, "With General'scompliments, sir," saluted again, about-faced as if touched with aspring, and marched stiffly toward the door.
Billings hurriedly glanced at the papers, and saw that instead of someunpleasant order from the General, which he had feared, they were merelysome routine matters. His bullying instinct at once reasserted itself:
"Puttin' on a lot o' scollops, since, just because you're detailedat Headquarters," he called out after Shorty. "More style than ablue-ribbon horse at a county fair, just because the General took alittle notice of you. But you'll not last long. I know you."
"Sir," said Shorty, facing about and stiffly saluting, "if you've gotany message for the General, I'll deliver it. If you hain't, keep yourhead shet."
"O, go on; go on, now, you two-for-a-cent Corporal. Don't you give meany more o' your slack, or I'll report you for your impudence, and havethem stripes jerked offen you."
"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?" SAID THE GAMBLER. 141]
Hot words sprang to Shorty's lips, but he remembered the General'sinjunction about the character and dignity of the staff, and restrainedhimself to merely saying:
"Col. Billings, some day I won't belong to the staff, and you won't haveno shoulder-straps. Then I'll invite you to a little discussion, withoutno moderator in the chair."
"Go on, now. Don't you dare threaten me," shouted Billings.
"How'd you get along with Billings?" inquired the Chief Clerk, whenShorty returned.
"About as well as the monkey and the parrot did," answered Shorty, andhe described the interview, ending with:
"I never saw a man who was achin' for a good lickin' like that oldbluffer. And he'll git it jest as soon as he's out o' the service, if Ihave to walk a hundred miles to give it to him."
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait a good while," answered Wilson. "He'llstay in the service as long as he can keep a good soft berth like this.He's now bombarding everybody that's got any influence with telegramsto use it to keep him h
ere in the public interest. He claims that onaccount of his familiarity with things here he is much more valuable tothe Government here than he would be in the field."
"No doubt o' that," said Shorty. "He ain't worth a groan in the infernalregions at the front. He only takes the place and eats the rations ofsome man that might be of value."
"See here," said Wilson, pointing to a pile of letters and telegrams onhis desk. "These are protests against Billings being superseded and sentaway. More are coming in all the time. They are worrying the Generallike everything, for he wants to do the right thing. But I know thatthey all come from a ring of fellows around here who sell whisky andslop-shop goods to the soldiers, and skin them alive, and are protectedby Billings. They're whacking up with him, and they want him to stay.I'm sure of it, but I haven't any proof, and there's no use sayinganything to the General unless I've got the proof to back it."
"Wonder if I couldn't help git the proof," suggested Shorty, with hissleuth instincts reviving.
"Just the man," said the Chief Clerk eagerly, "if you go about it right.You're a stranger here, and scarcely anybody knows that you belong toHeadquarters. Get yourself back in the shape you were this morning, andgo out and try your luck. It'll just be bully if we can down this oldblowhard."
Shorty took off his belt and white gloves, unbuttoned his blouse,and lounged down the street to the quarter where the soldiers mostcongregated to be fleeced by the harpies gathered there as the bestplace to catch men going to or returning from the front. Shorty soonrecognized running evil-looking shops, various kinds of games anddrinking dens several men who had infested the camps about Nashville andMurfreesboro until the Provost-Marshal had driven them away.
"Billings has gathered all his old friends about him," said he tohimself. "I guess I'll find somebody here that I kin use."
"Hello, Injianny; what are you doin' here?" inquired a man in civilianclothes, but unmistakably a gambler.
Shorty remembered him at once as the man with whom he had had theadventure with the loaded dice at Murfreesboro. With the fraternityof the class, neither remembered that little misadventure against theother. They had matched their wits for a wrestle, and when the grapplewas over it was over.
Shorty therefore replied pleasantly:
"O, jest loafin' back here, gittin' well o' a crack on the head and thecamp fever."
"Into anything to put in the time?"
"Naah," said Shorty weariedly. "Nearly dead for something. Awful stoopidlayin' around up there among them hayseeds, doin' nothin'. Jest run downto Jeffersonville to see if I couldn't strike something that'd some lifein it."
"Well, I kin let you into a good thing. I've bin runnin' that shebangover there, with another man, and doin' well, but he let his temper gitaway with him, and shpped a knife into a sucker, and they've got himin jail, where he'll stay awhile. I must have another partner. Got anymoney?"
"A hundred or so," answered Shorty.
"Well, that's enough. I don't want money so much as the right kind of aman. Put up your stuff, and I'll let you in cahoots with me, and we'llmake a bar'l o' money out o' these new troops that'll begin coming downthis week."
"I like the idee. But how do you know you kin run your game. ThisProvost-Marshall--"
"O, the Provost's all right. He's an old friend o' mine. I have himdead to rights. Only whack up fair with him, and you're all right. Onlypinches them that want to hog on him and won't share. I've bin runnin'right along here for weeks, and 've had no trouble. I give up my littledivvy whenever he asks for it."
"If I was only certain o' that," said Shorty meditatively, "I'd--"
"Certain? Come right over here to that ranch, and have a drink, and I'llshow you, so's you can't be mistaken. I tell you, I'm solid as a rockwith him."
When seated at a quiet table, with their glasses in front of them, thegambler pulled some papers from his breast pocket, and selecting oneshoved it at Shorty with the inquiry: "There, what do you think o'that?"
Shorty read over laboriously:
"Deer Bat: Send me 50 please. I set behind two small pair last night, while the other feller had a full, & Ime strapt this morning. Yores,
"Billings."
"That seems convincing," said Shorty.
"Then look at this," said the gambler, producing another paper. It read:
"Deer Bat: Got yore $100 all right, but doant send by that man again. He's shaky, and talks too much. Bring it yourself, or put it in an envelope directed to me, & drop it in my box. Yores,
"Billings."
"That's enough," said Shorty, with his mind in a tumult, as to how hewas to get these papers into his possession. "I'll go in with you, ifyou'll take me. Here's my fist."
He reached out and shook hands with Bat Meacham over the bargain, andcalled to the waiter, "Here, fill 'em up agin."
Shorty pulled some papers out of his pocket to search for his money,and fumbled them over. There were two pieces among them resembling thescraps on which Billings had written his notes. They contained some armydoggerel which the poet of Co. Q had written and Shorty was carryingabout as literary treasures.
The waiter wiped off the table as he replaced the glasses, and Shortylifted up the gambler's papers to permit him to do so. He laid down hisown papers instead, and with them a $10 bill.
"There," he said; "I find that's all the money I have with me, but it'senough to bind the bargain. I left a couple hundred with the clerk atthe tavern. I'll go right up and git it, and we'll settle the thingright here."
"Very good," replied Bat Meacham; "git back as quick as you kin. You'llfind me either here or hangin' around near. Let's fix the thing up andgit ready. I think a new regiment'll be down here tomorrow, and all themen'll have their first installment o' bounty and a month's pay."
Shorty hurried back to Headquarters and laid his precious papers beforethe Chief Clerk, who could not contain his exultation.
"Won't there be a tornado when the General sees these in the morning,"he exclaimed. "He's gone out to camp, now, or I'd take them right tohim. But he shall have them first thing in the morning."
The next morning Shorty waited with eager impatience while the Generalwas closeted with his Chief Clerk. Presently the General stepped to thedoor and said sternly:
"Corporal."
"Yes, sir," said Shorty, springing to his feet and saluting.
"Go down at once to the Provost-Marshal's office and tell Col. Billingsto come to Headquarters at once. To come at once, without a moment'sdelay."
"Yes, sir," said Shorty saluting, with a furtive wink at the ChiefClerk, which said as plainly as words, "No presenting compliments thistime."
He found Billings, all unconscious of the impending storm, dealing outwrath on those who were hauled before him.
"Col. Billings," said Shorty, standing stiff as a ramrod and curtlysaluting, "the General wants you to come to Headquarters at once."
"Very well," replied Billings; "report to the General that I'll come assoon as I dispose of this business."
"That'll not do," said Shorty with stern imperiousness. "The Generalorders (with a gloating emphasis on 'orders') you to drop everythingelse, and come instantly. You're to go right back with me."
Shorty enjoyed the manifest consternation in Billings's face as he heardthis summons. The men of the office pricked up their ears, and lookedmeaningly at one another. Shorty saw it all, and stood as straight andstern as if about to lead Billings to execution.
Billings, with scowling face, picked up his hat, buttoned his coat, andwalked out.
"Do you know what the General wants with me. Shorty?" he asked in aconciliatory way, when they were alone together on the sidewalk.
"My name's Corporal Elliott. You will address me as such," answeredShorty.
"Go to the devil," said Billings.
Billings tried to assume a cheerfully-genial air as he entered theGeneral's office, but the grin faded at the sight of the General's sterncountenance.
&nb
sp; "Col. Billings," said the General, handing him the two pieces of paper,"do you recognize these?"
"Can't say that I do," answered Billings, pretending to examine themwhile he could recover his wits sufficiently for a fine of defense.
"Don't attempt to lie to me," said the General wrathfully, "or I'llforget myself sufficiently to tear the straps from your disgracedshoulders. I have compared these with other specimens of yourhandwriting, until I have no doubt. I have sent for you not to hear yourdefense, or to listen to any words from you. I want you to merely sitdown there and sign this resignation, and then get out of my office asquickly as you can. I don't want to breathe the same air with you.I ought to courtmartial you, and set you to hard work on thefortifications, but I hate the scandal. I have already telegraphed toArmy Headquarters to accept your resignation by wire, and I shall sendit by telegraph.
"I cannot get you out of the army too quickly. Sign this, and leave myoffice, and take off your person every sign of your connection with thearmy. I shall give orders that if you appear on the street with so muchas a military button on, it shall be torn off you."
As the crushed Lieutenant-Colonel was leaving the office, Shorty loungedup, and said:
"See here. Mister Billings--you're Mister Billings now, and a mightyornery Mister, too, I'm going to lay for you, and settle several littlep'ints with you. You've bin breedin' a busted head, and I'm detailed togive it to you. Git out, you hound."
