by Mark Tufo
“What just happened?” I asked.
“Lamashtu,” Linnick answered.
“Ghoulash stew?” I asked because that was what it sounded like she said.
“It would make sense that with those misshapen lumps upon your malformed head you would not hear me correctly. Lamashtu is a demon lord.”
“What does she want?”
“You.” Azile was hunched over, hands on her knees. “She wants you, Michael.” She stood up.
“Me? What the hell did I do? Is this about the Bledgrum death? Because I feel like I did everyone a favor there.”
“She considers you the destroyer of worlds and wants to stop you before you succeed,” Linnick pronounced.
“I admit I’ve messed a few things up in my time, but I’ve never destroyed a world…as far as I know. Which ones is she talking about?”
“All of them,” Azile said.
“Way to step up your game,” Mathieu said. For a moment I could only stare at him slack-jawed. Then the laughter came. I wonder what type of psychotic I am that I can go from being frightened to my very core, to laughing in hysterics, in nearly no-time flat. I realize insanity and genius walk a fine line together; is it the same for terror and hilarity?
We left the clearing; the stink of the other side still infused the area. Lana, Mathieu, and Gabriel returned to Denarth, as did Azile, to care for the children. I stayed out with Kalandar and Linnick. We were all sitting on a huge downed tree, watching as the sun rose.
“I could gaze upon that for the rest of my life,” Kalandar said as the deep red colors muted into the more familiar yellow.
I’d more than hoped that the coming of dawn would force out the cold that had settled into me. It did not, though I was coming to grips with it. I had a goddess who constantly fiddled with my life; now I’d got a demon lord who wanted to end it. Made sense in some twisted-logic sort of way.
“How bad is Lamashtu?” I asked.
“I think I would not have helped you in Valhalla, had I known she was looking for you,” Kalandar stated. There was not a hint of mirth or teasing in his words; he was speaking the truth. I didn’t need Linnick to confirm that for me, though she did.
“I am not sure I have heard a more truthful statement,” she said thoughtfully. “Often a person speaks the truth, yet other emotions shade it so that it is not so much an absolute as it is an inference. In some cases, it is only true by a slim margin; yet the truth is the truth. For instance, when someone swears that they love your creation, whether it is a work of art or merely food that you have prepared, they may speak thus, even if they do not. Their words are biased due to the nature of the relationship they have with the person. The truth of their statement is affected by the truth of the connection; the two cannot be separated. It is still a truth, yet it is a tempered one.” She sighed. “Kalandar’s might be the most unbiased response I have ever come across.”
“I don’t know which of you two makes me feel warmer inside,” I said.
“I had only intended on visiting this world for a while; I do not believe the Veil Piercer will be able to, nor be allowed to, open another gateway any time soon,” Kalandar said.
“Yeah, that does present its own set of problems.” Then something dawned on me. “The polions got here somehow.”
“That scourge is here?” He stood and looked nervously around.
“Not right here–north of us. Maybe we could find that gate.”
“I do not think anyone should be looking for an open gate. There is no telling what has come through, or still may.”
“How do we close it?”
“We would need to go back to the Underworld and find the opening on that side.”
I could not harbor the thought of going back to that dismal place; I had already lost too much. I shook my head. “This isn’t my fight.”
“Your words ring with some truth, but not enough,” Linnick said.
“My conscience speaks.” I ran my hand through my hair.
Kalandar went on a hunting mission while Linnick and me headed back to Denarth. I told the demon I would return later that day.
“Try not to be seen, little one. These people aren’t overly thrilled with new things. And I’m not exactly their favorite person; they see you with me, it’ll be one more reason for them to get rid of us both. And before you say anything, it’s not because of my hideousness.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything, but it is good to see you are coming to terms with your condition.”
“Tell me again why I like you? Alright, shh. I’m about to head in.”
“State your business,” the gate guard said. He held out his pike in front of him.
“Life insurance seminar.”
“None shall pass.”
I paused. “You didn’t just say that…did you?”
“Please, Mr. Talbot, Princess Lana has closed the gates to all who are not residents.”
“He’s lying-ish.” Linnick was looking up at me.
“What?” The guard jumped back.
“You know who I am, right?”
The kid nodded.
“So, you realize that pike you’re holding is useless, right?”
He nodded again.
“Put it up and tell me what’s going on. I don’t want you hurting my friend here.” I lightly tapped my pocket.
“Thank you, Tallboat.”
I nodded at her.
“She…Princess Lana was pretty upset last night. Closed the city to all except residents.”
“She couldn’t have meant me; we’re basically family.”
“If you insist on forcing the issue, Mr. Talbot, could you please not hurt me too much?”
“I’m not going to bust my way in. If I’m not welcome, then I’m not welcome. Have you seen my wife?”
“I have not; though, I have only been on duty for fifteen minutes.”
“I’ll wait.” I went over to a low rock wall.
“Wait for what, sir?” he asked.
“For you to get a message to her that I’m out here.”
“I…I can’t do that! I’d have to leave my post.”
“I’ll tell you what, you go do that and I’ll watch this gate. I can guarantee it will be safer with me here than with you. Nothing against what I’m sure are some very fine skills that you possess, but, well, it’s me we’re talking about. I hope that doesn’t come across as pretentious; I certainly don’t mean it that way.”
“Not taken that way, sir.”
“Listen, I’m promising you that I will not come in while you are gone and I will do all in my power to make sure no one else does as well. Just get a message to my wife or I’m going to be forced to go through you, and nobody wants that.”
The guard looked at me for about three minutes straight; pretty sure he didn’t even blink before he either trusted me enough to do as I said, or believed me enough to do what I said but on the other end of the spectrum. He wasn’t gone more than a few minutes when a group of three men came up and were about to go through and in.
“Sorry, this gate is closed,” I said, not getting off my perch.
“Looks wide open,” The heavyset man in the middle said, “and there’s no guard–unless you’re it and Denarth has really let their standards slip.”
I stood. I saw recognition in the man to the left; he was tall and slender, probably had to carry the food around for the one in the middle.
“Uh, Mellard, we should listen,” he said.
“To this beardsplitter?”
“Beardsplitter?” I asked. “I’m sure it’s some sort of cuss word, though I have no idea what it means.”
“You wouldn’t, would you beardsplitter?!” Mellard said.
I shook my head. “I told you nicely that this gate was closed; I wasn’t a dick about it. I didn’t hold a weapon pointed at you. Is it me? Does something about me bring out the asshole in people? Wait, don’t answer that. I’m thinking now that you’ve always been an asshole, Mellard,
and we’ve just happened to cross paths. Last time, man. I’m watching the gate for a few minutes and it’s closed. I’m asking that you to go to a different one.”
“And if we don’t? You going to stop us?” Mellard asked.
“Mellard, um, we should just go to another gate.”
“You scared of this man? There’s three of us.” Mellard smiled as he headed towards the entrance.
“You want to tell him?” I asked the man that had stayed behind as his traveling companion and the other moved to the gate.
“Mellard, that’s Michael Talbot!” he blurted out.
Mellard stopped so quickly it looked like his leash had run out. His face reddened then blanched as he turned to me. “A thousand pardons, sir. Swisher, you jackass! Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I think the other gate will do us just fine.”
“Uh huh,” I said. “One more thing before you go…what’s a beardsplitter?”
“Ah, it’s nothing…just something we made up. I don’t want to interfere with your day any longer.”
“No worries, as it seems you have already interfered with my day.”
Mellard was sweating, thick greasy drops fell from his forehead and congealed on the ground.
“He’s my cousin, Mr. Talbot. I told his wife that nothing would happen to him on this trip; I would appreciate you not killing him,” Swisher said.
“Tell me what it means; then I’ll decide.”
Mellard wasn’t looking so good.
“You can do it,” I urged.
“P…penis…a beardsplitterisapenis.” It sounded like one long word, it came out so fast.
“That’s the truth,” Linnick said.
“What creature is that?” The three men backed up a step.
“Shh. I’m debating the beatdown.” I thought on it for a second. “Oh, I get it! Pretty funny. I can live with the mildly offensive. Go about your merry little way, and really, if you could try not to be a dick to everyone you come across, I, for one, would appreciate that.”
Mellard thanked me and bowed a couple of times before the trio hastily made their departure.
“Beardsplitter. I have got to remember that one.” I was smiling when Azile and the guard came back, each carrying a baby.
“Thank you, Sam,” Azile said as she took MJ and handed him off to me. Oggie bounded over, tail going a mile a minute and his big wet slobbery tongue getting ready to do what it does best. He pulled up short when he caught a whiff of my traveling companion. Linnick climbed out of my pocket and down so that she could get acquainted with the dog. Oggie softly whined at me, then moved in closer. They seemed like they were going to be all right.
“What’s going on?” I could see the concern in Azile’s eyes when I looked over at her.
Azile pulled me farther away from the guard. “Lana lost it a little bit. I think possibly the hormones from her pregnancy are clouding her judgment, coupled with the danger Gabriel was in last night. She is kicking us out, well, everyone who’s not a Denarth citizen. She is going to close the wall.”
“She’s going into isolation mode? And how did you know about the pregnancy?” I asked while also keeping MJ from grabbing at Linnick.
She snorted lightly. “I knew the moment she came to our home. She’s showing, though she’s doing her best to hide it.”
“Your son?” Linnick asked. “The resemblance is uncanny, but where you are revolting, this young one is ravishing.” She had climbed up my shirt and was getting a good look.
“I’ll let him get a hold of you if you keep going. Soon as he grabs something he just squeezes and squeezes like he doesn’t know what else to do.”
Linnick gulped.
Azile completely ignored our little side departure. “She thinks it’s for the best; she wants to keep the Lycan, the polions, Kalandar–all of them out.”
“Including us?” I was hurt.
“Especially us.”
“Where’s Mathieu?”
“I believe he is sleeping. He doesn’t yet know any of this is going on and I don’t think telling him is such a good idea; it would cause undue stress on their relationship. She will come back around in her own time, and we are going to give her the space to do so.”
“So now what?” I asked.
“Now we go and make sure there is not an open gate, and if there is, we need to close it before anything else comes through.”
“And the kids?”
“Taking them,” she said abruptly. “Do not question me on this. Lamashtu threatened to take them away and I will neither entrust nor endanger anyone else to protect them.
“Your horses and wagon will be at the south gate,” Sam called over. I got the distinct impression he wanted us gone from his duty station.
We walked around to the corner, and at the far end, we could see Mellard and the other two men still trying to gain entry. As we came closer, we could hear a heated discussion going on. We were able to approach without being noticed.
“Excuse me; we just need to get by and grab the wagon there,” Azile said.
“Shut it, you bloody bitch. Don’t you see that a man is talking here?” Mellard barely turned his head to look over his shoulder.
Swisher, on the other hand, looked like he’d swallowed a live goat. “The Red Witch.” He sucked in.
Mellard turned so fast I think he got whiplash.
“You really are an idiot,” I said as I shook my head slowly back and forth. “I bet you’re the type of guy that would be an asshole to a waitress.”
“You know him?” Azile frowned.
“We’ve had the displeasure of meeting recently. I mistakenly thought that perhaps he had seen the error of his ways, but I’m gonna go with a ‘not so much,’” I answered. “He called me a beardsplitter.”
“I’m so sorry,” the man begged, his hands up in a placating manner. “I didn’t mean what I said.”
“Are you in the habit of making utterances that hold no weight?” Azile asked. “If that’s the case, your apology is most likely insincere as well.”
“N…no, ma’am. It’s just that we’ve had a long day of travel, and now that we have reached our destination, we find we cannot enter.”
“What say you, Linnick?” I asked.
“His apology is sincere, though perhaps only because it is mitigated in fear and a fair degree of anger,” Linnick answered.
“So basically a forced apology?”
Linnick nodded.
“So, your difficult day somehow justifies insulting courteous strangers?” Azile asked.
Of…of course not,” he stammered. “If I had known it was you, I would have never spoken out like that.”
“But if I were a handmaiden, or perhaps a stable boy, then all bets are off?”
“Excuse me,” I said. “You would never be confused for a stable boy. Too many curves in all the right places. As for a handmaiden, you could most definitely pull that off, they always seem to have those wonderful bodices that leave little to the imagination.”
“Michael, I appreciate the compliment, but I am attempting to teach this man a lesson.”
“Consider the lesson taught m’lady,” Mellard said, sweating.
Azile thought on it for a moment. “No, I don’t think the message has quite sunk in. This is what I’m going to do.” Azile did a hand flourish, Mellard shrank back.
“What did you do!?” he cried.
“Nothing yet. All that happens from here on out, though, will be your responsibility. I have placed a spell on you. Every time you are rude to another, your beardsplitter will shrink this much.” She held her thumb and forefinger about an eighth of an inch apart. Wasn’t a guy in that loose circle that didn’t wince. Eighth of an inch wasn’t much, but it could add up real fast. I was thankful that she’d never used that one on me; would have had to change my name to Michaela a great long while ago.
“Please–I’m begging you, don’t do this!” He fell to his knees, his hands clasped in front of him.
“In six months, if you have been a decent man, I will remove the curse. If not, well, then it won’t matter,” she said as she stepped past him to retrieve the wagon.
“Tough luck, brother,” I said as I slapped him hard enough on the shoulder to make him flinch. “I would have just given you a bloody nose, maybe a black eye. But the great Shrinking Willy Spell, that’s no joke, man. I wish you luck. Let me know where to send the flowers for your missing manhood.” I went to help Azile.
The man stood on wobbly legs and watched us go; tears streaked his face. If I was ever to run across him again, I imagined he would be quite a different person by then, either so lovely that he was bordering on saintly or a bitter bastard that hated everything and everybody, including himself.
“Can you do that?” I asked turning in my seat to look back at the man.
“I suppose I could; be a difficult spell, though.”
“So you didn’t?”
“Couldn’t be bothered. Of course, he doesn’t know that.”
“What about another spell that, you know, every time I compliment you, makes it bigger by like an eighth of an inch?”
“You have problems, Talbot.”
“But seriously, though. That’s something you could do, right?”
“I don’t think I could stand for you to be so sugary sweet to me all day, every day, and then, how would you carry that thing around?”
“Well, I have this cart now. And why am I just hearing of this ‘beardsplitter’ swear now?”
She laughed.
“Are we leaving our horses?” I asked.
“I figured you would rather ride on the cart than a saddle, and I want to be next to you.”
“Fair enough.” I leaned in for a kiss. “On a more serious note,” I said, “how long do you think it is before Lana realizes her mistake?”
“Hopefully before it’s too late.”
We came across Kalandar, who had his head propped up against a log and looked to be asleep.
“The sun feels wonderful,” he said without opening an eye. Then, “Are we perhaps in journeying mode?” he asked as he sat up.
Oggie had been asleep in the back of the cart, but once we stopped moving, he awoke and was peeking over the edge, looking at Kalandar. Safe to say the dog was not happy with what he saw, especially when the demon stood and now towered over everything in the general vicinity.
