by Lisa Daniels
When I finished, Fisher nodded and let go of my hand. “You were a young woman who was uncertain of her place in the world. Instead of facing something new, you chose a path where you would feel more comfortable. I don’t think anyone can fault you for it. A bit cowardly perhaps,” he gave me a smile, “but understandable given your life up to that point.”
“You sound like Mrs. Teasdon.”
“She is quite an intelligent woman, then.”
“She is, in her own way. Doesn’t seem to know how to properly assess her own situation, though.”
“That is true of most people. When you are so close to the storm, it is difficult to see your own flaws and mistakes. It is easier as an outsider or many years down the road. Do you mind if I ask a question about your opinion?”
“I can’t stop you from asking.”
“Yes, you can. All you have to do is say you mind, and I won’t ask.”
“Are all shifters smartasses? Except Braxton, I mean.” I gave Fisher a wry look.
“Every shifter. Including Braxton.”
“Go ahead and ask your question, smartass.”
He chuckled, then he got serious. “If you were to face Phinean today, would you run away again?”
It was a question I had asked myself before, and something I had always avoided trying to resolve. “I can’t say that I honestly know how I would react if I saw him today. He knew where he wanted his life to go. I think he was just waiting for a reason to take that path.”
“You could have been what he needed. Perhaps he saved you hoping that you could pull him out of it. No matter what he said to you, it is possible that he may have harbored a desire for your help that even he didn’t realize. He would not have been the first.”
This made me stop and pause. “I almost wish that had been the case, but somehow I don’t think so.”
“Or maybe you don’t want to acknowledge that could have been the case because it might make you feel guilty for leaving.”
“I have felt guilty about leaving for a long time.”
“But you never tried to find out what happened.”
“There was no reason to find out. If he meant what he said that he didn’t want anything in return, what happened to me shouldn’t have mattered.”
“I cannot believe that to be true. Your return could have brought him the stability he lacked. Or perhaps reminded him that there was more to life than the hollow existence he had experienced up to that point. Or maybe he would have been upset with your return if he had actually started a family. If you are interested, you can still find out. Perhaps he is as lost today as he was then.”
“That may be, but I am not who I was. I would not be the foolish young woman returning today.”
“Are you certain you don’t want to find out?”
I looked into those green eyes to see if he was trying to upset me the way that Leland had on occasion, but I didn’t see any sign of malice or impishness. There was just an honest interest in my own thoughts. “I would like to know that he is living well, but I have no interest in seeing how he would react to me. I don’t think that would help either of us.”
“Even if you had the choice?”
“I don’t like hypotheticals.”
“I am not offering you a hypothetical. Should you actually be interested in learning his fate, I can help you find out.”
“If you could get out of here, you would have done it a long time ago.”
“That is not true.”
“Why would you—or anyone—stay down here?”
“I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can speak for myself.” Fisher looked away for a moment, his eyes scanning the spaces beyond the light as he thought about his answer.
“Shifters almost always take human mates because it is the only way to repopulate our people. The rare female shifter is always sterile, though they are very popular among our people.” He smiled. “Just ask Braxton. His sister is quite the marvel, and the number of shifters seeking her hand were… a source of constant annoyance to Braxton.” He laughed. “But taking a mate is very serious, and at a certain age, the males must decide on a mate from the outside world. Or more accurately, a human. We hardly ever consider any other species because we do not get along with many of the others.”
“Too condescending?” I asked. Having met several, I noticed that they tended to look down on humans and figured that was likely an attitude that was applied to other species.
“No, that is something we save for humans. Most other species think that we are too powerful, and have laws in place to forbid their females from taking one of us to their beds. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen on the rare occasion, but it never goes well. And any children that result from it are… they usually don’t live long. With humans, we don’t tend to have that problem. And human females tend to be treated worse than any other species. Perhaps the primitive brains of your species cannot possibly understand the vital role of women, so take it for granted. Whatever the reason, it definitely helps us. We have far more to offer than any human man, and most human women, once they understand what they could have, usually don’t turn shifters down.”
I was about to retort to his assessment, but it was not too far off from my own. Considering the events that led up to where I was, I couldn’t imagine any of the other women involved turning down the shifters who were helping them. Instead of quipping, I sighed and said, “I wish I could argue with you, but that would be pointless. And I would have to lie to argue on the other side.”
“I am almost surprised by your honesty.” He gave me a half grin. “Braxton was a special case because he could wander through dreams, and through that he found his mate without ever leaving. If only…” Fisher shook his head and changed the subject. “Well, I was past the earliest age to find a mate, but as the leader, I was considered a special case. The only other shifter to have reached such a ripe old age without a mate is Bryce. Though by the sound of it, even he has rectified that.”
“What do you mean?”
Fisher rubbed his shiny-looking hair, and for a moment I focused on the way the black shone in the firelight. Strange that I had not really noticed before. Then again, I had not been well since we had met. His voice shook me out of my thought. “When it became clear that I needed someone to help, I couldn’t keep relying on Braxton because his wife required so much of his attention that he could not be my full-time advisor anymore. But a situation does not determine when a time is right. It just forces the hand and has as much of a chance of terrible results as not.
“I refused to have anyone join me on my search because… I guess I didn’t want the distraction or for people to try to find me a mate. Usually shifters search together, offering support in their search. I was not comfortable with the idea, though. I did not want anyone to watch me and to feel like I was… insufficient, I suppose.”
“Is that why several women disappear at a time? Shifters hunt in packs?”
“Hunting is not an accurate comparison. It implies that we do them harm. If you need to compare it to something, think of it more as a quest for something rare and valuable.”
“That could still be considered a hunt. A treasure hunt, but still a hunt.”
He gave a noncommittal shrug. “Perhaps it seems that way to you because you have no interest in finding someone else. It is a difference of views between our species. Anyway, I spent more than seven years on my search and never once found anyone with whom I felt a connection. I did encounter more than enough women who needed saving, but I never felt compelled to look for more with them after they were saved. More than a couple offered themselves to me, but I grew increasingly weary of the repletion, and eventually stopped taking them up on the small comfort the physical offered. Many of them found their own versions of happiness on their own or with a spouse. A few managed to get themselves into worse situations.”
“Did you save them again?”
“If you manage to save someone from a bad situatio
n, and they manage to get themselves into more trouble, what would you do that second time? How would Captain Falmen respond?”
Hearing that name made my mind go exactly where he wanted it to go. I had on occasion tried to help people, only to find them back in trouble for other illegal activities. “I could not afford to give them second chances.”
“You live and learn, or you die in your ignorance. Shifters cannot afford to make it a habit of repeatedly saving a woman whom we have no desire to take as a mate. Exposing ourselves to that kind of attention is not something we can afford to allow.”
I nodded my understanding. It was harsh, but not any worse than what I had seen. And at least he had done what he could.
Fisher continued his story, “No shifter had ever been gone so long and yet found no success. As the leader, how could I pass judgment or give orders without any understanding of one of the harshest realities of my people? I got careless and eventually woke down here after a very drunken night in the city. I figured it was as good a way to die as any other.”
“What do you do for food?”
“I am not human, and my other form rarely requires food. The occasional unfortunate soul who ends up down here has been more than enough.”
“You eat people?” The idea was horrifying.
“Most shifters do. When you are hungry you will eat other kinds of meat. Think back to the creatures you ate when you lived on the streets and during the war. The things that people will eat when driven to it should not come as a surprise.”
I moved away from him, thinking about what it would have meant if I had been thrown through a different door. Fisher could have just as easily eaten me as nursed me back to health.
“I see you are judging me a little harshly, but I suppose that is only fair. If you consider me cold or barbaric, I did call you a coward, so I can understand your point of view, even if I don’t agree with it.”
“I never ate humans.”
“Have you eaten a wild animal?”
“Of course.”
“How could you be certain that it was just an animal and not something else?”
“Well, wouldn’t that have been obvious? I mean, other species don’t just turn into animals, and I know for a fact that your kind are nearly impossible to kill.”
“Most other species can transform into other animals for a short while, but you would not know if you killed them before they transformed back. We all bleed the same color blood. Well, most of us.” He did not elaborate. “Given your history, it is certain that you have eaten a humanoid species without knowing it.”
“Then at least I didn’t know it.”
“Would you have minded eating a pixie if you were starving?”
“Of course not. But there wouldn’t be much food on it if I tried.”
“You realize that they are far more intelligent than humans and were an advanced civilization when your kind was still trying to figure out fire?”
The questioning was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. “But if I were starving, who could blame me?”
“Then how can you blame me for eating when the opportunity arose?”
I turned my gaze to the fire, mulling over the question in my mind. “It seems wrong.”
“Perhaps it was. But like you, I had given up and was just waiting out my existence.”
“I was doing more than that,” I turned and frowned as he watched me. “I was trying to make the city better. To make people better.”
“And yet how much really changed? Now that you are gone, do you think that any of your changes will last? No, you know they won’t. What you have been doing was hiding from what you felt. You couldn’t go back to what you had been because Phinean changed you too much. But you couldn’t allow yourself to be vulnerable again either. You hid from the world, knowing that you would be exposed one day.”
“I had no way to know that I would be—”
“You did. You just didn’t want to admit it to yourself.”
“You don’t know what I knew,” I pulled my knees up to my chest.
“I do know. Because all this time I have been just as foolish. Following the path that I had found and just taking it wherever it led me. Perhaps I was more passive in my choice than you, but I was also at much less risk.”
“I hardly see the similarities between our histories.”
“Our histories are very different. But I believe that we found ourselves on similar paths that were wrong for us. And we have suffered for it. We both became jaded and transformed into people we should not have been.”
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to help others. I did what I could.”
“If you believed that, you would not have risked so much to help three women you did not know or like. I think even you realized that you did not like the person you had become, so you got careless in your attempt to fix your wrongs. When I pulled you from the water, you seemed resigned to your fate.”
“There wasn’t much I could do once they knew I was a woman.”
“But you could have stopped them from finding out. Braxton told me what he knew of the events. Yet you did nothing to stop it.”
I swallowed hard, my discomfort and annoyance almost unbearable now. “You don’t—” I wanted to argue with him, but that would be a lie. He had been entirely accurate in his understanding of my thoughts and actions. “I want to be alone for a bit. Please.”
Fisher stood up. “Of course. When you want me to return, just call my name.”
I fell asleep at some point and woke with a shiver. My emotions had been running high when I slept, and it brought the same nightmares as always. In that place, it seemed so much worse. I was still angry, but more with myself than Fisher at that point.
“Fisher,” I said quietly into the darkness.
There was a thudding noise followed by a strange breeze. A few seconds later, he emerged in the edges of the firelight. “Yes, Rayne?”
The sound of my name felt strange, and for the first time since I had left Phinean’s home, I wanted to be held. “I’m cold.”
Without a word, he walked over to me, lay down beside me, and wrapped his arms around me. I drifted off again and had a dreamless sleep.
Chapter 9
Two Down, Two Left
When I woke, Braxton and Fisher were sitting by the fire. It was their heated argument that woke me.
“I understand what you are saying, Fisher, but you don’t need to stay. My work here is not done, but there is no reason for you to remain here. And it definitely isn’t doing Falmen any good to stay down here in this gods-forsaken hole.”
“I will not leave with you still here. Leland was quite right that you cannot be trusted on your own, and I don’t care what you say or how you hint at your future, I don’t trust you to care for yourself if the time were to come.”
“After all this time, you don’t get to pretend to be the caring leader now. You weren’t there when she died. You have no idea what I suffered. And you have no idea—”
“You are right, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. But I will not let you die out of grief.”
“And I have told you that I have no intention of dying now!” Braxton’s voice was raw and emotional, something I had not expected to hear from someone who had been so level-headed.
“But you won’t take any of the necessary precautions to protect yourself either, will you?”
Braxton folded his arms and scowled at Fisher.
Fisher kept his voice calm and level as he said, “I know you as well as you do, and I care too deeply to watch you get killed by humans. I am truly sorry for your loss. Reagan was… special. I wish that I had been there to protect her.”
“No one could protect her.” Braxton sounded almost childish in his tone and from where I sat, it looked like he was pouting. “She made the decision herself.”
I couldn’t see Fisher’s face, but I could hear his uncertainty. “What do you mean? What happened?”
; “She tried to have my child. She didn’t tell me that she was going to do it. When she was a few months along, Reagan told me she was pregnant, and I have not known peace since that day. Every day, I woke worried that her body couldn’t take it. Then she died in childbirth. Her and the baby.” He held up a hand before Fisher could interrupt him. “I have lived with that every day for years. But you were not there. The only person who could have given me the words I needed, and you were not there. You don’t get to come in now after I have covered the unhealed wounds with indifference. You don’t get to worry about me now after leaving all of us for so long.”
“I am so sorry, Braxton.” Fisher dropped his head into his hands, his apologies muffled as he repeated the words almost like a chant.
“It was not your fault she died. It was your fault that we all thought you were dead and carried on with our lives since you left. Leland is competent, but he is impulsive and sometimes erratic. You should have returned and we would have helped you.”
“You know as well as I do that I have never had an interest in taking a mate. Do you really think that having you or anyone else there would have changed how I felt? What would have happened if I had done as Michondone had done and selected just any woman who would have me?”
“You aren’t Michondone.”
“But it would have been the same choice.”
“I think most people could have accepted you without a mate.”
“And over time it would have grown into another division among our people. For whatever Leland lacks, he more than makes up for with his other abilities.”
“Even he would want you to return. Mates be damned.”
“And what would happen if there was another split among our people so soon after the last time? How long would we last, divided into small communities all for my indifference to mating?”
“Gods, but you are as bad as Bryce was. Did you hear that? Was. Even he’s grown up faster than you.”
“And yet you want me to return.”
“YES!” Braxton’s voice echoed around us, and for a second I was afraid of him. As I flinched, Braxton noticed and immediately he looked remorseful. “I am so sorry Falmen. I did not mean—”
