“You look fine. Like a girl who cares.” He stroked her hair, and she rested her head on his shoulder. “I can’t answer your questions, Desi. I don’t know why the world’s the way it is. I don’t know why some people get handed life on a silver platter and others get paper plates with grease spots.”
His voice rumbled in her ear. “What good does it do to ask why anyway? What’s important is that we make the best of what we do get. You can’t change what’s happened to Alicia, but you care about her. You’ve given her a whole lot more than she’d ever have gotten if you hadn’t been in her life. I’ll bet, if you think about it, she’s given you a whole lot back in the same way.”
Desi agreed—what Brian said was true. How empty her life would be if it weren’t for Alicia. And the others at ChildCare too. She’d never have met Tamara or Gayle or any of the babies. She’d never have felt so needed or so capable of giving something of herself. “I guess you’re right.”
Just then the waitress brought the pizza. “Now eat up, and I’ll take you wherever you want to go,” Brian said as he served her a slice.
“In your chariot?” Her voice sounded husky. “I’m sorry I called it a piece of junk.”
“You’re forgiven.”
After they ate, Brian took her to a mall, where they window-shopped and where she bought Alicia a stuffed toy. It was dark when he took her to ChildCare and parked on the street outside the brick entrance. He shut off his engine, but didn’t make a move to get out. “You okay?”
“I’m okay.”
“So what’re you going to do over Christmas break?”
In the turmoil of the past few days, she’d forgotten that school was officially out until after New Year’s. “My sister’s home. I guess we’ll just hang around. I’m planning on doubling up on my hours here at ChildCare. How about you?”
“Mom’s dragging me and my sister down to Florida to visit our grandparents.”
Desi felt a twinge of disappointment. “So I guess this is it until next year.”
In the light from the street lamp, she saw him smile at her little joke. “Guess so. You sure you don’t want me to drive you home right now?”
“No. I want to get Alicia ready for bed. Besides, my aunt’s here tonight, so she’ll take me home.” She reached for the handle, but of course it was gone.
Brian hopped out of the car and came around for her. The air felt chilly as they stood beside the car. “I appreciate your taking the time to run around with me today,” she told him. “Even if it was a dumb idea.”
“Hey, we’re partners, right?”
“You had some good things to say too. I’ll remember them.” She peered up at him. “How’d you get so smart anyway?”
Moonlight spilled across his face. His expression looked solemn. “Some lessons you learn the hard way.”
His response puzzled her, and she wanted to ask what he meant, but he pointed her down the driveway and gave her a gentle shove. “Now go on, before a cop pulls up and gives me a ticket for illegal parking.”
She headed toward the house, but when she heard his door slam, she turned and called, “Have a Merry Christmas.”
He started the car. “You too. And don’t forget to have some fun over the holidays.”
She watched him drive away and felt strangely alone. Brian was really very nice. There was something about him, something more than his good looks and easy camaraderie that touched her. Why, she was halfway looking forward to school’s starting up, just so she could see him again.
The notion made her smile. Wouldn’t he have a good laugh if he knew? Overhead, stars glowed in the cold, brittle air. Desi shivered, then hurried up the path, toward the cozily lit house, feeling light, almost buoyant. Her boots kicked up dry leaves and sent them scattering into the darkness.
Chapter Fifteen
As Christmas holidays went at her house, Desi thought, these were pretty good. She liked the presents she received, and her family seemed to like the ones she gave them. Aunt Clare came for Christmas dinner, and the conversation at the table didn’t become strained, as it had at Thanksgiving.
Her father asked about her science project and almost sounded disappointed when she told him that she wasn’t doing one this year. “My lab partner and I can’t agree on a topic,” Desi explained. “I’d like to do something about AIDS, and Brian doesn’t want to do anything.”
“But you’ve always entered,” her father said. “And you’ve always done pretty well. Can’t you enter on your own?”
“I’m busier this year,” she told him, then cut her eyes toward her mother. She held her breath, waiting for a remark about how she was spending too much time at “that place,” but fortunately her mother kept silent. “I’m still making good grades though.”
“You’re a smart girl,” Aunt Clare interjected with a bright smile.
Later that afternoon Valerie drove Desi over to ChildCare. She pulled up outside the kitchen door in the small parking area alongside the car Desi knew was Sadie’s. “Wish I could come in sometime,” Val told her.
“I wish you could too,” Desi agreed. “But I told you how strict they are about strangers. Gayle only invites people in under special conditions.”
“I understand, but I’m just wondering if I’ll ever see this Alicia in anything but photographs.”
“I can hold her up to the window if you want to wait a few minutes,” Desi said in a flash of inspiration.
“Sorry—but I can’t today. I’ve scheduled a tennis match for this afternoon. If I’m smart enough to find my way to the playing court, that is.”
The sarcasm in Val’s voice made Desi pause. “Did what Aunt Clare say bother you?”
Val puffed warm air into her hands. “Maybe a little bit. It’s no secret that you’re the ‘smart one’—and Aunt Clare’s favorite.”
And you’re Mom’s favorite, Desi wanted to tell her. “Haven’t you always felt like there’s some sort of sister rivalry thing going on between Mom and Aunt Clare?” Desi asked instead.
“I never thought much about it.”
“Maybe it’s because Aunt Clare never had her own family, but seems happier than Mom.”
Val shrugged. “Maybe. It’s Christmas. Let’s not get into any heavy topics.”
“Are things going better at school?”
“About the same,” Val said with a sigh. “I can’t believe I’ve got to face midterms when I get back. Then the collegiate tennis circuit starts in February, and my coach has been pretty vocal about us having a shot at regional playoffs this year.”
“You’ll do fine.”
Val chewed on her bottom lip. “First I’ve got to get a decent grade point, or I won’t play at all.”
“You’ll do fine, Val.”
“I have to, don’t I? I can’t disappoint Mom or Coach.”
Desi pulled on the door handle. “I should go. I want to see how Alicia looks in the dress I bought her.”
“Take a picture so I can see too,” Val called as Desi scooted out of the car.
Hurrying into the house, Desi entered the warm, cozy kitchen. “How’s it going, Sadie? Did you have a good Christmas?”
Sadie was picking up toys and putting them into the playpen, where Anthony was just as busily tossing them out again. “Things are going fine, and yes, I had a good Christmas. I see you couldn’t stay away either.”
“Not on Christmas Day. I have to see Alicia.” She patted Anthony’s head. “He acts like he’s never been sick a day. Hard to believe we almost lost him last month.” Desi glanced around. “Where is Alicia anyway?”
“She’s asleep.”
“It’s not nap time.”
Sadie stooped down to retrieve a toy fire truck. “She woke up with the sniffles and isn’t feeling too good.”
“I’ll check on her.” Desi walked quickly through the living room, where piles of torn Christmas paper, boxes, and ribbons were stacked in one corner, and clusters of toys and clothing were strewn beneath the bran
ches of the Christmas tree. Dried needles and limp tinsel littered the carpet.
In the bedroom Desi went straight to Alicia’s crib. The baby lay under her flannel blanket. She was asleep, but her breathing sounded shallow. Desi’s heart thudded as she reached down and touched Alicia’s cheek. It felt fiery hot. At her touch Alicia woke, saw Desi, whimpered, and reached her arms upward.
Heart pounding, Desi scooped her up and hugged her tight. Her small body was so warm that Desi could feel the heat searing through the sleeper and blanket. Alicia coughed. “Poor baby,” Desi whispered. “My poor, sweet little baby.”
Clutching Alicia close, Desi hurried toward the kitchen to find Sadie.
“Exactly how sick is she?” Desi asked her aunt as they stood beside the crib in the Pediatric ICU.
“It’s bronchitis,” Aunt Clare said, her arm around Desi’s waist. “It’s serious, but she’ll be getting the very best treatment possible.”
Once the ChildCare staff had decided Alicia was too sick to remain at the house, she’d been taken to County Hospital, where a pediatrician had promptly admitted her and Desi had called Aunt Clare. Alicia had been placed on a regime of IV fluids and antibiotics, and now all they could do was wait for the medicine to work. Desi gazed down at the infant, shivering within a plastic tent over the stainless steel crib. “I can hardly stand to look at her,” she confessed to her aunt. “She looks so small and helpless inside that thing.”
“It helps her breathe more easily.”
“Do they have to tie her arm down?”
“She’d pull out her IVs if they didn’t. Believe me, honey, everything’s being done with her welfare in mind.”
“Her eyes keep following me. She looks scared, and when she looks at me, I know she wants me to hold her.” Desi stopped because her voice kept catching.
“You can hold her when she gets better.”
“She will get better, won’t she? Please tell me she’s going to be all right. You know she’s not like other babies.” The mechanical beeping and humming of the monitors droned in the dimly lit room. Outside, it was evening, but in the enclosed room Desi had no sense of time. “Anthony got better,” she said, half to encourage herself.
“Yes, he did.” Aunt Clare took Desi’s hand and led her toward the door. “It’s late. Let me take you home.”
“I don’t want to leave her.”
“Honey, it’s Christmas Day. You should go home. You can return tomorrow. Your mother’s worried—”
“I don’t care what Mom says,” Desi hissed. “I’m not abandoning Alicia.”
“No one’s asked you to. I just think you should go home and get some rest. Tomorrow’s another day. Gayle’s been called, and she’ll be organizing volunteers—”
“Alicia knows me best. I plan to spend every minute I can with her,” Desi insisted.
“She could be here quite a while. Please don’t put yourself under that kind of pressure. Once school starts again—”
“How can I think about school? I’ll skip school. I’m making straight A’s.”
“You can’t skip months of school if she takes that long to recuperate,” Aunt Clare replied. “I’ll keep a close watch on her and keep you informed about her condition.”
Once in the hallway, Desi braced herself against the wall and started to cry.
“I’m sure she’ll be all right,” her aunt said, but Desi brushed her aside.
“You don’t know that,” Desi whispered, rubbing the back of her hand across her eyes. “She could get sicker.”
Aunt Clare shook her head in resignation. “We can only treat one complication at a time. Don’t borrow trouble.”
Feeling suddenly bone weary, Desi nodded and followed her aunt meekly down the hall to the elevators. In the lobby a skeleton staff manned the desk, Christmas decorations hung on walls, and white lights glittered from a single tree that stood like a weary sentinel. Desi rode in her aunt’s car in silence, staring out into the black, cold night, while Christmas music played on the radio, reminding her that angels were bending down to touch golden harps. Quietly she prayed for one to touch Alicia and make her well.
Desi spent all of Christmas break going back and forth to the hospital. Either her aunt picked her up on her way to work or Valerie took her during the day. Surprisingly, the only thing her mother said about Desi’s schedule was, “Are you sure you want to spend your entire break this way?”
“I’m sure,” she answered in a tone of voice that all but dared her mother to tell her otherwise.
When her mother didn’t challenge her, Desi felt relieved, but puzzled. She couldn’t understand her mom’s change of attitude. Once, Desi thought she’d seen tears in her mother’s eyes, but she dismissed it as simply a trick of the light.
One afternoon Val came with Desi on her visit. “She looks so pitiful,” Val said as they stood together next to Alicia’s crib. “Too bad the first time I ever see her is under these conditions.”
Desi reached under the plastic tent and stroked Alicia lovingly. “Gayle told me that her doctors are concerned because she’s not responding to treatment.”
“You’re really worried, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Desi’s voice was barely a whisper.
“I’m sorry I have to go back to school and leave you to get through this by yourself. I thought that Mom and Dad might have been different now that Alicia’s sick. I can’t believe they never even want to talk to you about it.”
“Dad’s busy with work, but I think he cares in his way. I’ve learned not to expect him to get overly involved with much of anything. His attitude doesn’t bother me so much.” Desi shrugged. “But Mom’s hated the whole idea from the first. She’s a smart person, but she’s still nervous about AIDS, and no matter how many times Aunt Clare and I tell her I won’t catch the virus from Alicia, she won’t believe us.”
“You could really use Mom’s support,” Val acknowledged, patting Desi’s shoulder.
“I have Aunt Clare and all the people from ChildCare. Tamaras dad too. He’s a minister.” Desi turned toward her sister. “You’ve been great also, Val. Thanks a lot.”
“You’ll call me if something changes?”
Desi promised she would.
On New Year’s Day Val loaded her luggage back into her roommate’s car and left for college. The next day Desi returned to Grady. She told Brian what was happening, and at lunch she also told Corrine. Both were sympathetic, and their concern about her—as well as Alicia—was heartening.
After dinner Desi was dialing Aunt Clare’s number from the kitchen phone when her mother came up to her. “Don’t call your aunt,” she said. “I’ll drive you to the hospital. I won’t go up to see the baby, but I would like to take you.”
Afraid to risk losing her mother’s offer by asking questions, Desi grabbed her coat and dashed out the door. They drove in strained silence, and when they got there, her mother said, “Call me when you want to come home.”
Desi told her thanks and hurried inside the hospital. As she got off the elevator, she saw Gayle talking to Alicia’s physician. “Alicia’s been moved into isolation,” Gayle said, when Desi approached.
“Why?”
“Pneumonia.”
Desi caught her breath. “That’s much worse than bronchitis.”
“Yes, it is. Specifically, it’s Pneumocystis carinii,” the physician explained.
Desi felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked from her. Alicia had developed the type of pneumonia most associated with AIDS. No one had to spell out what the diagnosis meant. Only a miracle could save baby Alicia now.
Chapter Sixteen
Desi absolutely refused to go to school the next day. “I’m going to the hospital,” she told her mother defiantly. “You can make me go to school, but I’ll skip and go to the hospital. Alicia’s dying.” Just saying the word made her sick to her stomach, but her aunt had been brutally honest with her the night before. There was little medical science could do for Alicia a
t this point except ease her suffering.
“You can’t let your entire life revolve around this child,” her mother insisted from the doorway of Desi’s bedroom.
Desi slammed her bureau drawer. “And why can’t I?”
“It isn’t healthy.”
“Look who’s talking!” Desi exclaimed, not caring how her mother reacted. “That never stopped you from hanging all over Valerie’s life. From turning her into your perfect clone.”
“What are you talking about?” Her mother looked shocked. “What’s your cutting school got to do with Valerie?”
Desi was instantly sorry she’d brought up her sister and her long unspoken feelings about her mother’s attitudes. She threw up her hands in frustration. “You don’t understand anything! You don’t understand me and maybe not Valerie either. You don’t care about anything outside these four walls! Alicia’s going to die, Mom. Doesn’t it bother you at all?”
“What’s all the shouting about?” Desi’s father asked, coming down the hall, still knotting his tie.
“Desi’s refusing to go to school. She’s insisting on going to the hospital instead.”
Her mother had ignored Desi’s plea for Alicia. Desi ran to her father. “Make her understand, Daddy. Alicia’s so sick. I just have to be with her.”
“Maybe a couple of days won’t hurt, Eva.”
“Not you too? This baby is dying.”
“Babies die, Eva,” his voice grew solemn. “We both know that, don’t we? There’s not much we can do about it. I think Desi needs to go.” His look was inscrutable, but Desi saw her mother’s expression go stony. Without another word her mother walked away.
“That’s right,” Desi’s father called after her. “Go ahead and pretend it isn’t happening. Just shut your eyes and walk off! That’s the way to handle the problem. Pretending won’t make it go away, you know.”
Desi felt confused and fearful. What was going on between her parents? “Dad?” Agitated, he turned back toward her. “Can I go to the hospital?”
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