by Colm Hogan
Ice Cold Nights
Dark, Dark Days
Story by Colm Hogan
Illustrations by J. Rozen
Digitized Graffiti 2015
Copyright © 2015 by Colm Hogan
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal. First Printing: 2015
Story, Concept, Characters & Cover Design by Colm Hogan
All illustrations by J.Rozen
Digitized Graffiti
www.digitizedgraffiti.com
For my incredible wife; Emeralda, my amazing cat; Captain Cheezburger,
and all the other ninjas out there in the struggle.
Ice cold nights…dark, dark days.
You are a time travelling pirate named Jerry. You have been living on a ship known as the Queen Anne’s Revenge. She’s a dandy of a frigate, triple masted and built for battle. Boasting a sizeable array of retrofitted laser cannons, fortified by deflector shielding and futuristic pirate weaponry that would put the fear of God in any one who dared cross it’s path. The Queen was ruled with an iron fist by the famous pirate named Blackbeard. That is, until you came along and stole it off his drunk ass. You have been plundering, shooting and fighting through time and space ever since you can remember. Your life is pretty awesome. At least, you think it is. Until one fateful early evening, when the lookout in the crow’s nest shouts out. “Attention all hands! Ship! Ship!” There is a ship on the horizon. It is around sunset and the sea is calm but it’s covered in a blanket of fog. As your ship nears the other, you know immediately something isn’t right. The ship is drifting, and no one can be seen on board. You choose to form a boarding party to board the mysterious ship. You choose not to form a boarding party and decide to sail away like cowards.
You choose not to form a boarding party and decide to sail away like cowards. Screw this; you think to yourself. It’s better to stay on course and head for open waters. Pirates are superstitious creatures, and there was something too ominous about a ghost ship encounter on a foggy day. It just doesn’t feel right, so you continue on. Nothing eventful happens that day. But as we all know, every action has an equal, exact and opposite reaction. Ever hear of the butterfly effect? Small, seemingly insignificant things can have long term major consequences. Whether it is the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil, or the hasty decision of cowardice from a once brave pirate. The next morning, it is still foggy. The haze of the atmosphere matches the insides of your brain. Thanks to a barrel of cheap rum, the lot of you have hangovers the size of a medium sized asteroid. Suddenly, the sea starts to move. At first, the entire ship rocks from starboard to port side. Then from the bow to the stern. You look everywhere. You realize that it’s just the ship moving. The rest of the sea is calm and there is no wind. Yup, you think; we are up shit creek without a goddamned paddle. “Sea Monster!” You scream to alert your men. Before you know it, a series of dark, green, slimy and totally gross, huge tentacles from a giant squid sea monster rise up from the sea, and carry away your best friend Kyle while he lets loose a blood-curdling scream. “Nooooooo!” For a moment your eyes lock with his and he screams out. “Jerry! I love you bro. I always have man. I mean it! That summer in Guam was the best time I ever had in my life.” Then he disappeared into the sea never to be heard from again. You take a moment to contemplate what just transpired. Click here to see the attack.
Sea Monster Attack ~ Click here to continue ~
Your other buddy Delroy turns towards you. “You guys went to Guam? How come you never invited me?” Suddenly, another tentacle appears and wraps itself around the center of Delroy’s midsection. It pulls him up and down and back and forth, like a goddamned ragdoll. He struggles and screams. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” You frantically try to free Delroy by spraying quarter inch holes into the monster’s tentacle with your totally sweet pirate laser machine gun, but it’s no use. It’s a death grip hold. Sensing a shadow appear overhead, you pause to look up. There are six more tentacles coming from all directions. One of them is heading straight for you. “Game over man.” Is all you have time to say. And it is. A tentacle sweeps down, wraps itself around your neck and chokes you out in seconds. The End. ~ Back to Start ~
You choose to form a boarding party to board the ship. You form a boarding party made up of your fiercest, most trustworthy comrades and row out in your dinghy. As you approach the ship from the stern and the fog lifts suddenly, you can read the name of the ship. The Mary Celeste There’s no doubt in your mind now. You found the motherfucking legendary ghost ship. Or maybe, it found you. But it’s too late to turn back, so you climb the short ladder up towards the main deck. Once there, nothing seems out of the ordinary. This makes you even more nervous. But you can’t look like a scared little girl in front of your mates, so you clear your throat and order everyone to search for rum, gold, silver, jewels and anything else to steal. Suddenly, you realize; the entire goddamned boat is crawling with ninjas! The bastards must have been hiding up in the mastheads, and descended silently down the ropes. They have managed to surround you and your crew in a matter of seconds. “Sonofabitch! Ninjas!” You draw your modified DL-45 laser blaster, one of your favourite pistols. A sidearm that packs a mean punch, you won the beauty in a poker game off some washed up space pirate, back in the day. You order everyone else to follow suit. The ninja leader comes forward. He looks like he wants to talk. You choose to fight, even though you are clearly outnumbered, and surrounded on all sides. You are willing to listen to the ninja before you stab him in the throat.
You choose to fight, even though you are clearly outnumbered, and surrounded on all sides. “Fuck this shit!” You yell and lunge forward toward the ninja leader. This signals your men to do the same. They all pick their closest target and shoot them with their pistols or stab them with their swords. The next moment is the weirdest one you’ve ever had in your entire life. All of the ninjas are no longer there. They fucking just disappeared into motherfucking thin air. While you’re still trying to figure out what’s going on, you hear someone groan. You turn to your left and notice your best friend Kyle has a frigging throwing star in his eye. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, I got a goddamn throwing star in my eye!” You hear another moan. You turn to your right and discover Delroy has a poison dart in his ass. “Ahhhhh! I got a fuckin’ poison dart in my butt!” Everyone else around you has been killed by goddamned invisible ninjas in seconds. The bastards must have developed some goddamned teleportation abilities. The ninja leader suddenly appears in front of you. “You should have tried to listen to me asshole.” He takes your head clean off with the longest, shiniest sword you’ve ever seen in your life. The End. ~Back To Start~
You are willing to listen to what the ninja has to say before you stab him in the throat. “Let’s hear what this pathetic bastard has to say for himself.” You order your men to stand down, at least, temporarily. “I must apologize. We do not usually travel by ocean, and are unfamilliar with seafaring traditions,” he begins. “No shit,” you reply. “This is our domain; you guys should be on land.” It turns out that the ninjas need help learning how to sail. They were stranded in the middle of the ocean due to unknown forces. If you teach them to sail and help them reach land, they will teach you how to fly and gain tons more cool ninja skills. Before giving you a choice, the ninja leader looks you carefully in the eye. “Keep the following in mind before you reach your decision. Everyone thinks it’s cool to be a ninja, but rest assured, there are ice cold nights, and dark… dark days while wearing the black cloth of the ninja.” You tell the ninjas to take a hike. You decide to help them out and learn some co
ol frickin’ ninja skills.
You tell them to take a hike. Fuck that shit, you think; I don’t have time to teach these jerk offs how to sail. I’ve got better things to do. After laughing in their faces for a couple of minutes, you tell them you’re not interested. Then you get back inside your dinghy. For some reason, you decide to look up. You notice the sky starts turning white, then black, then purple, then grey. An indescribable feeling of dread takes over your entire body. You feel completely paralyzed. You turn to your shipmates. They are screaming something at you, but you can’t hear a sound. You close your eyes. A moment later, you open them. You are in some kind of sleeping pod chamber with a plastic opaque cover. There are multiple thick black wires attached to your hands, arms, and skull. You unplug them hastily, and pop open the hatch cover. Click here to see where you are.
Outside The Hatch ~ Click here to proceed ~
That’s when you discover you are in a massive warehouse facility with hundreds, maybe thousands, maybe millions of other poor suckers who are unconscious just like you were, moments ago. You realize that your entire goddamned life has been preprogrammed by some unseen being. The knowledge that your life is a meaningless sham is too much to handle. You attach the wires to your nut sack and electrocute yourself off to eternal darkness. Life’s a bitch, hombre. ~ Back To Start ~
You decide to take pity on them and decide that you want to learn some cool frickin’ ninja skills at the same time. You begin with teaching them how to master the art of using the power of wind to move a vessel. Following that, a lesson on knots, how to install a peg leg, eye patch design and extreme rum drinking. Eventually, the ninja leader determines you delivered on your side of the bargain. Together, you sail to the Super Secret Invisible Fortress Ninja Training School. After reaching a group of islands somewhere off the coast of Japan, you spend three days climbing a mountain. Eventually you reach the school, hidden behind a waterfall. You are taken to the Supreme Council of Ninjas. There are three of them. They look super old and wear those old school triangle straw hats with trademark ninja black pyjamas. Curiously, one of them is sipping from a giant 7-11 slurpee. I wonder where he got that, you think to yourself. The journey you had was long and arduous. As a result, you are feeling pretty parched. Somehow, you resist the temptation of asking for a sip. They present you with a samurai sword and the oldest dude with long, silvery white whiskers all over his face speaks. “Thank you for helping us. We ninjas are an honourable people. Our word is our bond. Welcome to the Super Secret Invisible Fortress Ninja Training School. What ninja secrets do you wish to learn? You must choose, but remember to choose wisely.” You choose to learn to fly. You choose nun chuck, throwing star and other weaponry skills. You choose to learn how to become invisible. You learn to use magic, potion & poisons. You learn Telekinesis. You learn to master the art of seduction.
You choose to learn to fly. After a few weeks living in a commune on the mountains of Japan, you graduate with a certificate which grants you the coveted skill of learning to fly. What a great feeling. You feel like godamn Superman. Only way cooler. Because you are a ninja that can fly. You and your band of ninjas decide to celebrate at the local inn. After a night of fish tacos and beers, you head home. Along the way, you have the misfortune of miscalculating a low lying power line. It takes your frigging head clean off. The only lesson the ninja elders forgot to teach you is that drinking and flying don’t mix. Arrive alive. If you drink, don’t fly, homie. The End. ~ Back To Start ~
You choose to learn how to become invisible. The main lesson in invisibility is how to become silent. The first challenge as a pirate in developing this skill, is how to drop your yarrrrrr’s. The second, is how to stop farting because, let’s face it; pirates eat like shit. The next step is how to hack your environment into camouflage and blend in seamlessly, thus becoming invisible. It’s a very difficult, complicated process. Eventually after many months of hard training and a sushi based diet, you master this skill. The first thing you do once you discover the art of invisibility is head for the local bus station washroom. Not because you’re a pervert. Because you’ve been out celebrating with your fellow ninjas, drinking shots of sake. As a result, you have to take a wicked whizz. Shortly after draining the main vein, you hear a kerfuffle in one of the bathroom stalls. It’s a young lad being harassed by a band of mean looking pirates. You quickly realize it’s a good old fashioned pirate robbery. You choose to get involved. Fuck it - you choose to keep celebrating.
You choose to get involved. Although you’re a former pirate, after being trained as a ninja, you realize how wrong it is to rob people. Jacking shit may seem like fun, but you’ve since figured out the truth; crime destroys people’s lives. Worse yet; stealing off little kids is for punk ass suckers that need to be taught a lesson. You approach the pirates. There are three of them. You decide to become visible in front of the larger pirate, a real mean motherfucker that seems to be the leader of the group. As soon as you appear you confront the bastard head on. “Which one of you bitches wants to dance?” They appear scared shitless for a second or two when they first see you. After a moment, they recover. The pirate leader retorts. “What did you just say?” You choose to fight. You choose to reason with them.
You choose to fight. The first thing you do is take out the leader. “You heard me, suckah. Let’s dance!” You dish out your newly aquired closed quarter ninja fighting skills like you were a goddamn Bruce Lee and Stephen Segal siamese ninja hybrid, working as a sous chef in a kung fu sushi restaurant. You snap his neck like a goddamn chicken and move on to the other two. You draw your sword, stab one of them in the heart, and disembowel the third. The whole scenario is over in seconds. The bathroom stall is covered in blood. The scared kid thanks you profusely. He says he wants to reward you. You choose to accept an award. The knowledge you stopped an innocent little bitch from being robbed is enough for you.
You choose to reason with them. You decide to bluff your way out of this one. “This is my fuckup little brother,” you begin. “If he owes you any money, I will gladly repay it. If not, then I will buy you the largest jug of cheap beer available on draft and a round of fish tacos the likes of which you have ever seen before. Just to be clear, the tacos that are on special tonight. Not the sturgeon. The shrimp. But I promise you; your bellies will be so full of beers and crustaceans, you will forget this little shit ever crossed your path.” The pirate leader furrows his brow for a moment or two while he considers your offer. “I don’t normally negotiate with ninjas, as a general rule. But to tell you the truth, I’m super tired, and kind of hungry too. I’ve actually got kind of a kink in my neck. It’s killing me. How about you just buy us a round of drinks, and we can move on?” You return to the bar together, and buy them a round of drinks. The drinking session doesn’t end until the end of the night, when the pirate leader invites you to his wedding next week. The following year, you end up becoming the godfather of his spawn. Sometimes, you never know who you can become best buds with. ~ Back To Start ~
You choose to accept the reward. Ain’t nothing like getting paid, am I right? “No diggity, no doubt, son. Let’s have that cheddar!” You exclaim, perhaps a little too excitedly. It turns out the kid has no money. He does, however, have a coupon for a free taco from Taco Bell. The only problem is, you have to buy two tacos for the third one to be free. Sometimes, life just isn’t fair. Even if you are a dope ass ninja dropping dope ass deeds like it was godamn Christmas morning. The End. ~ Back To Start ~
You choose to learn nunchuck and other awesome weaponry skills. After weeks of rigorous training courtesy of some of the highest rated members of Ninja Elite Special Forces, you finally master the art of ninja weaponry. Congratulations. You are now an expert level ninja warrior. Once you’ve graduated, you are offered a choice of two positions. The first position is a teaching position at the same academy. The second position is to join a ninja warrior crew to fight unknown battles.
The knowledge you stopped an innocent little bitch
from being robbed is reward enough. You don’t do these things to get rewarded. You do them because that’s what a good ninja does. A handshake is all you need. You wish the kid all the best, and send him on his way. You have a great time that night. It was a night of jerk chicken wings with hot and honey sauce on the side and many refreshing jugs of beer with your ninja buddies. Life is good, homie. You make eyes with the cute waitress. Her name is Cindy. Who knows what could happen next? There is something compelling about karma, and you just earned yourself an entire boat load. Ninja high five for you, compadre. ~ Back To Start ~
You choose to become a teacher. The pay is pretty good, and who could say no to those benefits? There’s a lot to be said for a dental plan. The only condition you request is that you are able to bring your best friends Delroy and Kyle along for the ride. The elders are at first reluctant with your demand, but eventually they fold like a cheap suit. You get a sweet ass apartment situated on campus grounds. The school is smack dab on top of a cliff overlooking the Sea of Japan. The view is stunning. Your future looks so bright, it would seem, you might need some kind of protection for your eyes. Delroy and Kyle show up the following week. You all go for cheeseburgers and beers to celebrate. You go to bed that night drunk and so full of cheeseburgers you think your tummy might explode. You start to fall asleep, but it’s not long before you are awoken by screaming. There seems to be some kind of brouhaha brewing outside. You rush out the door after grabbing your favourite sword. You quickly realize everyone else is awake and outside, facing the ocean. You also notice that you are the only one totally naked. Everyone else is wearing their ninja pajamas. It’s kind of embarrassing, to say the least. You make your way up to the front of the crowd. Delroy and Kyle are there. Kyle runs back to his room to find you a spare Samurai Ninja suit, which he tosses back to you, while shaking his head. There is an eerie silence. No one moves. You are about to ask someone what the hell is going on, when out of nowhere, a motherfucking monster with webbed hands, huge ass wings, and a head with goddamn octopus tentacles rises up from the sea. There’s no mistaking it. It’s a frigging Cthulhu. In one fowl swoop, it picks up the Mary Celeste and crushes it with it’s giant left claw. ~ Click here to see the monster ~ You choose to reason with the Cthulhu. You choose to fight the Cthulhu.
