“Willoughby’s younger than Brandon and very good looking. He’s a smooth-talking, deceitful guy who ends up choosing a woman with money over Marianne. That’s how she ends up with Brandon.”
More little flicks. An ache began to build low in my belly. I didn’t want to talk about fictional characters anymore. I just wanted him to keep touching me. Kissing me. Licking me.
“Sounds like Brandon got the shaft. He must feel like he was second best.”
“No, not really,” I panted. “Marianne sees the error in her ways and comes to respect and love Brandon in a way she never could have Willoughby. Brandon is her true hero.”
“Who am I like? Brandon or Willoughby?”
His hand glided up my thighs and moved around to the inside of my leg, roaming upward to release the button of my jean shorts.
“Um…a little of both I think,” I said, barely able to choke out the words. “Your rugged good looks swept me off my feet, just like Willoughby did with Marianne. But over time, I found you to be more like Brandon. You have depth like he did, and that’s what made me fall in love with you.”
An ache began to pulse at the juncture of my thighs, the blazing need to be touched completely and utterly, consuming. I couldn’t think. My mind and body were surrounded by him. Only him.
His free hand moved to the back of my neck, winding in my hair as he kissed a line down the column of my neck. I angled my head, demanding more, as he teased and tasted. His lips crashed onto mine in a kiss that was hard and dominating. I never wanted to let go. It was staggering. He made me feel so many complicated things, long-term things, that would send my carefully organized life into a tailspin. It occurred to me then I’d never felt more special and wanted. I trusted him, wanting him in a way I knew I shouldn’t.
God, how am I ever going to let go of him?
A lump formed thick at the base of my throat, knowing I’d never survive losing this dangerous and perfect boy who had completely rocked my world.
“Do you have any idea what you do to me? How you make me feel?” he whispered low, the huskiness in his voice causing my body to quake. “The first time I saw you, you stole the air right out of my lungs. I couldn’t stop looking at you. Thinking about you.”
My head lolled to the side in a breathy moan. Part of it was from pleasure, but another part was from overwhelming emotion. My heart was in my throat and tears suddenly began to sting behind my eyes.
“Fitz, I don’t know if I can handle losing you,” I said in a slightly panicked voice. “Not now. Not ever. I know you have to marry someone else, but what if we didn’t have to stop seeing each other?”
Fitz pulled away to look at me, confusion evident in his eyes. Before I could explain, the bells on the front door chimed.
“Shit!” he swore.
We rolled and scrambled to untangle our limbs. Quickly, I stood to pull down my shirt and refastened the button of my shorts.
“Stay here,” I whispered. Smoothing out my hair, I left the stockroom to see who had come in.
Thankfully, it was only a couple of students looking to grab extra candles for their cottage. Too wrapped up in a fit of giggles over braving the rain storm, they didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss. If it had been my parents who came in, it could have been disastrous.
After I cashed them out, they were quickly on their way. I followed them to the door, locking it behind them. That had been a close call, and I didn’t want to tempt fate. When I turned to head back to the stockroom, I found Fitz leaning against the doorjamb with a concerned furrow to his brow.
“What were you saying about still seeing each other?”
“When the summer is over, what if we just saw each other on the side,” I suggested. “This girl you have to marry, it’s not like you love her or anything. It’s just an arrangement, and it’s not real. What we have is real. Let’s not throw that away.”
An emotion I couldn’t quite place swirled in his eyes. He watched me carefully through the dimness, through the questions and madness that seemed to always surround us. After a moment, he shook his head and came over to where I was standing, cupping the side of my face.
“Cadence, no. You don’t know what you’re saying. My mother was my father’s mistress. You don’t want that life.”
“But–”
“No buts. You will never be second best,” he insisted. “You matter too much. The person you’re going to be matters too much. I will not be the reason for you not living your life to the fullest.”
He sealed his lips over mine. Lifting me from my feet, he wrapped my legs around his waist and carried me back into the stockroom. Never once did his mouth leave mine as he laid me down onto the floor once more.
Darkness had completely fallen. What little light had come in through the stockroom door from the stormy skies outside was now gone, leaving only the candles to light our way. Now locked in his embrace, I pushed away all thoughts about the future. I would bring it up again tomorrow. As we moved in a frenzy to remove our clothing, I vowed to make the most of every single moment we had left. For tonight, the only thing I would focus on was being one with him.
20
FITZ
Cadence was all I could think about as I piled dinner onto a tray in Creator Hall. I barely saw the food selections. The room buzzed with conversation, students and staff talking animatedly about the success or failures of the day’s rehearsals. Their final performance was in one week. From what Cadence had said, parents would pour into the camp on the last day, eager to see what their kids had worked on all summer long.
The day before all that happened would mark my last full day with Cadence. We would share our last sunset, giving finality to the last night I could hold her in my arms. The weight of bricks I felt like I had been carrying all summer grew tenfold, weighing me down with every step, every hour, and every minute as I processed how close we were to that date. I knew what was supposed to happen, but I didn’t want to accept it. I couldn’t walk away from her. It was that simple, yet so horrifically complicated. I was in heaven and in hell–flying and burning all at the same time.
For the past week, I dragged myself through daily tasks, staggering each day to keep it together as the calendar drew closer to September. The effort to make each moment count felt like the fight of my life. I could almost hear the seconds ticking by as the sun set behind the trees, washing away the pink that painted across the sky, effectively erasing another day. We both knew it and seemed even more rushed to get to the lake after we’d finished our camp duties. Our time was running out. Every kiss, every touch, and every time I sunk myself deep inside her was precious if not a very risky gamble. Yet it was also shadowed with unspoken words about our inevitable separation.
Then there were the times when Cadence dared to bring it up. She didn’t stop after that stormy night we spent in the stockroom. She was still hanging on to a small shred of hope that things could be different, and we wouldn’t have to stop seeing each other after we left Camp Riley. Just last night, we talked long after the sun went down and into the late hours of the night. She tried to weigh the options, concocting every scheme under the stars that would allow us to sneak off to see each other even after I got married.
The idea was ludicrous. Sure, I wanted to stay with her, but it couldn’t be in that way. She was better than that and deserved so much more. Stringing her along with a clandestine affair would be no different from what my father had done to my mother. I tried to explain that over and over again, but her naivety made her blind. For the first time since we met, the four-year age gap suddenly seemed to matter. Her innocent hope was going to make my leaving that much worse.
I brought my tray of food over to an empty table in the corner with the sole intention of wolfing it down and hurrying off to the lake. Just as I was about to dive in, Devon dropped into the seat across from me, a few fries from the tray he had been carrying spilling onto the table. Picking up his burger, he ripped into it like he hadn’t eaten i
n a week.
“There’s this place in town called Barney’s,” he said through a mouthful of food. “It’s a local bar that seems pretty chill. A bunch of us are headed there after dinner. You coming out this time?”
I shook my head, denying his request to accompany him for about the twentieth time that summer.
“Nah, I think I’ll hang back.”
After swallowing his food, he leaned in and lowered his voice.
“Sneaking off with Cadence again tonight?” he asked. When I didn’t respond, he continued. “Dude, I’ve been watching you two all summer. You try to hide it, but it’s obvious. I haven’t pushed too much, figuring you’d fill me in when you were ready. I’ve never been one to tell you what to do, but you know you can’t let things be too serious with her.”
I looked away and stared absently at the salt shaker that sat in the middle of the table.
“It’s too late for that,” I admitted. Devon let out a low whistle.
“Shit, man. We’re leaving this place in a week. Does she know you won’t be able to see her anymore?”
“Yeah, I told her.”
“Well, then I think you should man up and walk away now. A long and messy goodbye will just make things worse.”
I closed my eyes and allowed a flood of guilt to wash over me. I felt hopeless. Devon’s exacting words about goodbyes seemed to ram down my throat, choking me. No matter which way I looked at things, what I had done was wrong. How I felt for Cadence was wrong. Even knowing it was wrong the entire time we were together didn’t make it easy for me to stop.
“It’s not that easy, Devon. I love her. Like, really love her.”
Devon’s eyes widened before his face turned grim.
“If that’s truly the case, you know letting her go is the right thing to do. I can see this is hurting you, but better you hurt than her.”
“Since when did you become such a goddamn expert?” I snapped.
Devon leaned back in his chair and held up his hands.
“Hey, I’m not trying to plan some sort of intervention here. All I was saying is–”
“I get what you’re saying. I’m handling it,” I interrupted and stood up. Having completely lost my appetite, I picked up the tray and dumped the contents in the nearby trash can.
There was an unfamiliar sting forming in the backs of my eyes.
Fucking tears.
I blinked them away, not wanting Devon to see. I hadn’t cried over anyone or anything since I was ten years old–my father made sure of that. He didn’t see the need to deal with anything as paltry as emotion, but just the thought of losing Cadence Riley threated to break the hardness that had been drilled into me. I couldn’t stomach the idea of a life without her. But worse, I didn’t know how I’d live without her.
When I turned back toward Devon, I caught sight of Cadence sitting at a table with Joy at the other end of the cafeteria. She smiled when she saw me looking at her. I smiled back, but it was only halfhearted. Guilt stabbed at me, a vicious knife to the chest that just kept twisting and turning. It was the same guilt that plagued me all summer, but I had resigned myself to the idea it was something I’d have to get used to. At the very least, it told me I had a conscience, even if that conscience was irrelevant since I didn’t listen to it. Instead, I allowed myself to fall hard, fast, and furiously for Cadence.
I felt Devon’s curious gaze on me. Tearing my eyes away from Cadence, I looked at him. He sat there, all calm and cool, having probably fucked his way through half the girls on staff this summer. I wanted to resent him for it, to hate him for enjoying that kind of freedom, but I couldn’t. Three months ago, I would have been right there along with him. What was happening now wasn’t his fault. Still, I couldn’t deny this sudden urge I had to punch something.
Devon looked down, taking note of my hands that were balled into fists.
“Shit. This is bad. You’re really torn up over this girl,” he said.
Uncurling my fists, I splayed my palms on the edge of the table and dropped my head. Almost involuntarily, my fingers gripped the edge and squeezed until my knuckles turned white.
“I don’t know what to do. This just fucking blows,” I swore.
“I hear you, man. I wish I knew some way for you to get out of this deal. I mean, shit. It was just an accident. A bad, tragic accident. I even mentioned it to my dad to see if he could help. He only shook his head and said it wasn’t any of my business. Honestly, I just think he was happy I got off so easy. You, on the other hand, completely got the shaft.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Devon sighed and shook his head. Having finished eating, he tossed his napkin on his tray and stood.
“Look, if you need anything, you know I’m here for you.”
I looked at my best friend, my partner in crime for the past four years. We’d crammed for tests late into the night, chased girls, and smoked way too much weed together. He’d mopped up my puke after a wild night of partying just as many times as I’d cleaned up his. We’d been there for each other during the good, the bad, and the really ugly. But this–being in love with a woman–was all new. I knew I’d be on my own for this one.
I glanced back over to where Cadence was sitting. She looked happy, chatting with Joy animatedly over something or another. Her green eyes sparkled, always so full of life. It killed me to know, in one week, I’d break her heart. I hated the feeling of helplessness. To say this summer had been the best and worst of my life would be a gross understatement. The thrill I felt over making Cadence mine only amplified the grief of having to give her up. It was as if my entire life was being ripped apart all at once and I was unable to stop it.
But perhaps Devon was right. Maybe I just needed to grow a set and do what was right– end things with Cadence now… even if it crushed me. I thought about the characters in Cadence’s books. She said she had fallen in love with me because of my depth and compared me to Colonel Brandon.
I need to be more like Willoughby.
I hadn’t read the books, but clearly, the guy was a complete dick. He foolishly gave up the girl, clearing the path for a better man. I needed to do that for Cadence, to step aside and make room for someone else who was worthy of her love.
Shoving down the anguish that threatened to rip me to pieces, I turned without another word to Devon and set off for the barn. Cadence would be at the lake within the hour. I wouldn’t be. Instead, I would stay in the loft.
Alone.
She’d be worried of course, wondering why I didn’t show up to meet her. It would take every ounce of willpower I possessed to stay away. Tomorrow, I’d have to come up with some excuse, but I knew deep down creating distance between us was for the best. She was desperately clinging to a futile hope, and I couldn’t be selfish anymore. I wouldn’t allow her to settle for second best while I was forced to share a roof and a bed with another woman. It wasn’t right. I had to stop taking without regard for the consequences. I needed to do this for her.
21
CADENCE
I slammed the door to the stockroom unnecessarily hard, causing Joy to peek her head around the corner of the aisle she was restocking in The Flourish.
“Easy, girl. Whatever’s bugging you, don’t take it out on that poor old door. The wooden frame is older than my great-grannie,” she jokingly scolded.
“Sorry,” I apologized sheepishly.
I wasn’t one to lose my temper, but after days of letting it simmer, I felt ready to boil over. Fitz had been avoiding me for much of the week. He hadn’t come to the lake in the evenings at all. Like a fool, I would go, sit alone for hours at a time, only to have him not show up. During the day, his presence was scarce, and I rarely saw him at all. When I did, he was often tied up doing a job with my father, not giving me the chance to speak to him about what was going on. I thought about going to the barn to see if I could catch him there, but pride kept me from doing it. I wasn’t about to chase him. He knew I’d be waiting for him at the lake,
but he never came. All said and done, I was left to roil in my anger for far too many days.
Joy left the half-empty boxes in the aisle and came over to the counter where I was standing. She folded her arms across her chest and pointedly looked at me.
“You okay?” she asked, her tone taking on a serious note of concern.
“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“I can cover the store if you want to cut out early. I don’t expect the normal midday rush of students since they’re all tied up with final rehearsals today. I mean, no offense, but whatever has you all riled up made you too distracted to get much of anything done around here, anyway.”
I frowned and glanced at the wall clock. It was just past noon. I was supposed to work until four, but Joy was right. I had been completely useless all morning. Perhaps if I used the time to track down Fitz, we’d be able to hash out whatever his issue was, then I could come back to work.
“You don’t mind?”
“I’ll be fine,” she assured with a shooing motion of her hands.
Not needing further words of encouragement, I thanked her as I shed my apron and headed out the door.
The days had finally cooled to a more comfortable heat level, and after spending the morning in an air-conditioned building, the warm air felt good on my skin. It made the trek around the camp in search of Fitz all the more bearable.
His avoidance had upset me, but I knew there had to be an explanation. Initially, my brain had been too muddled by my feelings for him to truly grasp the implications of what was coming. I naively wrapped myself in the present, completely tuning out the inevitable. I knew what was between us. It was good and pure. I knew he loved me. I didn’t believe he was deliberately trying to hurt me. Deep down, I suspected Fitz was only trying to put distance between us so that his leaving didn’t hurt so bad.
However, the conflict I felt was wearing me down. I found myself questioning his feelings for me, wondering if I had been duped. Another part of me said that wasn’t the case at all, and I shouldn’t be angry with him. After all, I had seen inside the shell. I knew him. He was someone who had lost, and remained terrified, hurt, and haunted by his past and unpredictable future. I understood his predicament in a way I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I wanted to tell him that everything would be okay, but I didn’t know if it ever really would be again. His absence had left a massive, painful hole in my chest. It made me realize, when he was finally gone forever, it would be so much worse.
Cadence Untouched: A Dahlia Project Novel Page 16
