Off and on Again

by Tia Fielding

  A strangled, loud, horrible sound of a cat in pain tore out from Cal’s mouth, and his eyes rolled back as he fell to the ground. In the second it took for him to hit the deck, his body twitched and shifted, until a Scottish wildcat struggled away from the clothing left behind. It let out another yowl and dashed back around the corner.

  “Dad? Dad!” Kit screamed from the shore.

  Cal

  The first few days in Finland had been bearable. They’d gone to see the Metsala farm on the first full day and they’d both liked it. It was modest and would need a lot of work still, especially if they were going to be there in the winter, but it felt homey. It felt like a safe place.

  Kit had connected with Anton and the two young wolves, and the boys—sans Jude who still had his cast on and couldn’t shift quite yet—had even shifted together on the second day to go for a run in the woods. The joy Kit had felt had been almost infectious, and Cal had felt happy for Kit and for Kit’s tiny fennec side.

  That morning, he’d stayed back in the Metsala farm and tolerated the small tasks Noah and Dallas were there to do that day. He’d met the wolves briefly, and knew that his unease came from the fact that they were both men in their prime, and would be that as wolves, too. He knew it was his cat that disliked them, buried deep inside him as it may be. Once it would get to know them, it would be fine, but at first the cat only knew them as predators and canines.

  When Kit didn’t come home before Noah and Dallas were done for the day, Cal walked with them through the woods to the Jarvela farm. The walk was ten minutes if that, and it felt like a buffer between the two places.

  “I think someone’s on the porch,” Noah had said when they came to the yard. “We’ll go wash up.”

  “Thanks,” Cal muttered. He could hear splashing from the lake shore and made the educated guess that his son was there, stuck on playing with the other teenagers.

  He could’ve gone there, but he might as well be polite and go see the adults first.

  He noticed a backpack by the house wall, but didn’t think much of it. When he rounded the corner, he saw Mikael and Maxim sitting at the picnic table with a man.

  Two things happened at once. He recognized the face, even with… with what was now missing from it. The wind changed and Derek’s scent hit him full force. His cat awakened and tore through him in a way that he’d never felt before.

  All control he’d had, every single piece of it was annihilated in the face of what his cat felt, seeing its mate, the mate it had ravaged and the proof of that attack, right there in front of them.

  Cal had time to feel the shift come over him, registering the way his cat body now felt almost foreign.

  Then his human consciousness was snuffed out like a candle.

  The cat ran. It needed to get away. Away from the shame of seeing what it had done. Seeing Mate, with only one eye. It could feel flashes of sense memory; the way it had swiped at the intruder with all its might. It could hear the echo of its mate’s startled, wounded cry that would never leave its brain.

  It didn’t deserve a mate. It didn’t deserve anything!

  The cat continued to run.

  Derek

  Derek got to his feet, but Maxim moved quicker than any man his size should’ve been able to block his way.

  “Dad?!” Kit’s voice was closer now, and he whirled around the corner like a dervish, looking around wildly.

  When he spotted Cal’s clothes on the ground, he wailed. And then his gaze hit Derek.

  “W-what? Derek?” Kit frowned with obvious confusion. “What happened?”

  “Well, I don’t know, but somehow Cal got upset enough that his cat took over and took off,” Mikael said in a tone that was full of blame in Derek’s ears, even though he wasn’t sure if that was actually it.

  “We got to find him!”

  The other teenagers came to the porch then. Derek didn’t know what they were, just that they moved like a pack, so he made an educated guess that they might’ve been wolves.

  “What’s wrong?” The one with reddish hair asked.

  “Yeah, what happened?” The blond one with shaggy hair and a cast on his arm seemed worried and a little bit confrontational in the way teenage boys could be.

  “Cal saw me and his cat took over,” Derek said quietly. “Two years ago, we had been working together for a while, in Italy. They were trying to keep Cal safe, out of more… dangerous situations.” Derek didn’t need to elaborate, not for the adults and didn’t want to because of the teens.

  Mikael winced. Then he looked at the boys. “Anton, Jude, Nico, go get dressed and find something to do. If we need you, we’ll call you. Anton, get Noah and Dallas here from the house.” He turned to Kit. “Do you need clothes?”

  “No, I….” Kit seemed to realize he was only wearing swimming shorts and leaned to pick up Cal’s T-shirt from the pile on the floor. “This’ll be enough for now.”

  It would be a scent thing, too.

  The other boys left and everyone else sat down. Derek sensed that he should wait for the ones being summoned to come in before continuing.

  “Should we wait for Sean and Rider, too?” Maxim asked Mikael.

  “No, I’ll text them that we have a situation but not to rush in. They have the pups in the car.”

  Soon, two men joined them and were introduced as Noah—lethal, yet something familiar to Derek—and Dallas—definitely something big and scary.

  “So what’s going on? Anton said something’s wrong?”

  “Derek was about to explain, but Kit, since you were here first with Cal, how do you know Derek?” Mikael asked calmly.

  Kit, who had sat on the same side with Derek sighed. “I guess I don’t know the whole story.” He moved to sit so his feet were on the bench too, and then pulled the front of the T-shirt over his knees and to his ankles, cocooning himself with it like a child.

  “Tell us what you do know,” Mikael sounded gentle. Derek appreciated that.

  “Like Derek said, he and Dad worked together for the Council. I guess the Council was starting to see what their actions were doing to Dad. Like how he, and sometimes me too, were sent all over the world to different places where they’d need enforcers. Dad… he compartmentalizes things a lot. That’s how he could… you know… do his job.”

  “Cal is a gentle soul, or once was at least. I fully believe that. He’s not—” Derek stopped talking and licked his lips. “—He’s not a cold-blooded killer. Or maybe he is, but that’s not all he is and they turned him into one.”

  “Right, what Derek said. Dad took me in when I had nobody. He’d tried to save my family, but he couldn’t, so he avenged them and took me in.”

  “Okay, but what about Italy?” Noah prompted when both Kit and Derek went quiet.

  “I knew Derek through Dad. They hung out together. I thought they were maybe going to get together at some point, I don’t know… Dad seemed… lighter. Happier.” Kit glanced at Derek. “That’s all I know.”

  “Yeah, so, when we met I was working as the security detail for the Council. At their main location.”

  Mikael nodded. “I know you’re not allowed to tell us where that is exactly. Go on.”

  “When they called Cal and Kit back to Italy that last time, we were roommates at this villa because they had no other place. I guess Cal and I bonded and well… the rest is history I suppose. It didn’t get very far. And then they sent Cal to a final emergency job.”

  “When Dad came back, he was… different.” Kit swallowed hard and pressed his cheek to the top of his knees, then continued quietly. “He was always different when he came back from the bad ones. But this one….”

  “I don’t know what happened to him. He’d come home in the early morning hours and I was so happy to see him the next day after I got off work. He was resting in his room, Kit was at school I think….”

  Kit sighed. “I’d been staying at home because Derek was there but I still went to the study sessions because I had
that chance again. Schooling isn’t exactly something you can count on when you live like we do, Dad and I, I mean. We moved around a lot.”

  “When I got to his room, I saw he was asleep in his bed but in his cat form. That wasn’t common, so I tried to approach him carefully and I don’t know… Next thing that I remember is that he’s attacking me, scratching my eye out, literally, and running away.”

  “They took Derek to the hospital. While he was there, the Council moved us from Italy.”

  “I… they couldn’t give me my job back after I’d recovered because a human is a liability as it is and a one-eyed one….”

  All the shifters, Kit included, let out different discontented sounds. Dallas snorted and ground out something like “bullshit.”

  “They would’ve found me another job, as a glorified tech guy basically, but since I’d saved a lot of money, I declined it. I asked where Cal was, but they wouldn’t tell me, so I left and started to look for him and Kit, because….” Derek ducked his head and wondered if he could trust anyone with this secret.

  “Because?” Mikael prompted in that gentle tone of his.

  What did Derek have to lose at this point? “Somehow, I know he’s my mate.”

  Kit lifted his head to look at him. “Wait, but you’re human?”

  “I know. It makes absolutely no sense, but I can feel the bond.”

  Maxim seemed dubious.

  “I’ve never heard of a human feeling a mate bond,” Noah said but there was thoughtfulness, not accusation in his tone.

  Dallas’ voice was similar when he said, “Me neither.”

  “Doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Could just be incredibly rare,” Mikael pointed out.

  “Well, most of humankind don’t know that everyone around this table except you and me can shift into an animal,” Derek said dryly, making Mikael grin.

  “Okay, so, let’s say we take this at face value—” Noah started and was stopped by Kit.

  “I believe him. It makes sense to me. Dad wouldn’t have changed as much as he has if there wasn’t more of a reason than whatever happened on his last job.”

  “Kit is right,” Maxim grunted. “He hurt Mate. The cat would not forgive itself.”

  Dallas nodded. “So he’s been in human form since… when?”

  “Since the day we were moved from the house we shared with Derek,” Kit said quietly. “Two years.”

  Everyone there knew what that meant. Cal shouldn’t have been sane anymore, yet somehow he managed.

  “Without morphine and with the shock of seeing you, the cat pushed through,” Mikael murmured.

  Derek didn’t ask if they needed to try and find Cal. He’d bolted, but he could find his way back when he wanted to. He had his son here, and his mate. There were enough familial bonds to bring him here when the cat wanted.

  If the cat wanted. And if Cal the man did.

  Cal

  The cat ran until it collapsed in a heap under a spruce. It panted, trying to breathe, and then just lay there for a long time.

  Its muscles had been strained to their limit and it felt how far it had run. It was late now. It could still see well even inside the forest, but it started to get hungry. Expending all that energy had wiped it out in too many ways to be safe.

  It struggled to its feet, swaying as it peered around. Of course nothing here was familiar, it hadn’t been here before.

  With unease growing under its breastbone, the cat began to sniff and listen, hoping to find food. It didn’t know what lived in these woods. All it knew was to be careful, because a cat its size, there were always bigger and badder things around.

  Suddenly it heard something. A snuffling sound, heavy, slow steps, and loud breathing.

  The cat retreated back under the spruce and crouched low, belly to the moss underneath. It barely breathed as it watched a large bear lumber across its view. The bear knew it was there, but paid no attention. It wasn’t a threat for the king of the forest, after all.

  Once the bear was gone, the cat felt exhaustion hit, hard. It curled up under the tree for a little nap. Soon, it would have to eat, but it couldn’t hunt when this tired.

  On the inside, Cal trembled. He wasn’t sure how to get control back. He’d never felt this sort of disconnect from his cat before.

  He realized that on some level, even when he never wanted to shift again, he’d thought he’d still have control if the shift took him over.

  Knowing Kit must be worried out of his mind at least initially made him feel like crap. Sure, things would be explained to everyone by… by him.

  As soon as the image of Derek entered his mind, the cat pushed to the forefront of their shared mind and took over completely.

  Derek

  Derek was assigned a room in the farm’s main building. He had dinner with everyone who lived under that particular roof. It was… well, rough, especially with Kit being there too and clearly eager to find comfort from Derek—the adult he knew best despite it having been years—but also having such fierce loyalty for his father who was a no-show.

  Once they’d eaten, Derek retreated to his room. He felt as if he should’ve been out there, looking for Cal, but he also knew that was an impossible feat. Besides, Cal was a survivor, and even if he wasn’t driving, the cat was one.

  Just as he’d gotten settled, there was a knock on the door.

  “Yeah?”

  Anton, the fox as Derek had learned, peeked in. “Sorry to bother you, but the wolf pack would like to meet you too. At their place?”

  “Oh… okay….” Derek went with Anton downstairs and pulled on his boots. This was one of those Finnish things he really appreciated, always taking your shoes off when going into someone’s home.

  They walked across the yard. Anton had long legs and a rangy build that suited his inner animal. Derek had learned that it went like that most of the time. Like Maxim, who was a Siberian tiger, was a tall, buff man. Cal wasn’t the tallest of men, but he had the sort of body type that screamed he knew what to do with it without being overly bulky. Nobody who saw Cal would think of him as being harmless or weak.

  Anton walked into the wolf pack’s house and called, “We’re here!” as he started to kick off his sneakers.

  Derek did the same with his boots and left them neatly by the huge collection of shoes

  “Anton!” a child’s voice bellowed from somewhere, and then a little girl rounded the corner, collided with Anton and giggled as he picked her up and set her on his hip.

  “What’s up, May?”

  “I wanna show you—oh!” Her mouth went into an O shape when she spotted Derek.

  He thought she’d be timid like most kids, but then he remembered these were wolves.

  “Hi,” he said and smiled. “I’m Derek.”

  “I’m May and I’m a wolf!” Then, before he could respond, she sniffed the air and said, “And you’re a human! Ooh, what happened to your eye?”

  “May, what have we told you about sniffing people and what’s polite to ask?” A man with an obvious alpha air about him came into view and rolled his eyes at the girl. Then he turned to Derek. “Hi, I’m Sean, I’m one of the alphas of the Jarvela pack. Nice to meet you.”

  “Hi, Derek Lamont.” They shook hands, and Anton took May somewhere deeper in the house.

  “This used to be Mikael’s family home when he was growing up. Then once the shifter sanctuary idea took hold, he had the new house built so we’d have more space.”

  “Seems like it’s working,” Derek commented, as his brain finally caught up with Sean’s “one of the alphas” comment. “Wait, more than one alpha?”

  Sean chuckled and led him to the living room where a little boy was sat on the floor with a coloring book and a handsome man sat on the couch with Nico, one of the teenagers.

  “This is my partner and my co-alpha, Rider. You’ve met Nico. And that there is Jamie, my youngest.”

  Derek was introduced to everyone, also June who was the second oldest and J
ude, the oldest of Sean’s kids. Then everyone but the adults started the evening routine and Sean, Rider, and Derek were left in the living room.

  “So….” Derek prompted. He didn’t feel threatened or uneasy, other than a little confused on why he’d been summoned here.

  “I wanted to talk to you, because I’ve been in Italy too, and Nicolas grew up adjacent to the Council,” Rider said evenly.

  This was certainly news to Derek. “Oh…?”

  “Yes, see, you probably know Anna Estelle?”

  Derek got it in one. “She’s his mother?” He chuckled. “It’s been a while since I saw Nicolas so I didn’t recognize him. He must’ve been ten when I last saw him.”

  Rider grinned. “Yeah, well, she’s been our ear on the inside since I came to live here.”

  “And that’s something that got us thinking,” Sean said thoughtfully. “She had no idea about you and Cal, of course. I guess you kept that part under wraps?”

  “Very much so. And boy, I’d forgotten how fast news spreads….” He rubbed a hand over his face, feeling so very tired.

  “Yeah, sorry. We’re very protective of the kids and the farm.” Rider winced a bit. “Mikael texted us when you arrived and then what went on with Cal, and Dallas filled us in after dinner.”

  “And then you somehow got hold of Anna before summoning me here,” Derek added in a dry tone.

  “Well, she is the mother of my child, so….” Rider’s tone equaled Derek’s.

  “We didn’t just call her to get gossip and a security clearance.” Sean looked at Derek. “We think she might be able to help you.”

  Now Derek felt confused. “Help me…?”

  “With figuring out how to help Cal once he reappears. From what we have gathered, something bad happened at that last job and nobody knows what, right?” Rider started. At Derek’s nod he added, “What if we had someone on the inside who could maybe figure that out for you?”

  “I tried, when they first vanished. I went to everyone I could.” Derek huffed. “I don’t know how she could—”