by Bev Prescott
“You’re all I have left. Please, stay.”
Was it possible to hate and love a person at the same time? Would her soul be damned forever if she let herself feel hate, especially toward her father? The questions jammed her ability to speak. She could no longer tamp down her emotions and keep them locked in the deepest reaches of her heart. They remained on the surface, ready to burst free again. The pressure built to the breaking point. Her rage boiled. She was terrified that if her anger were truly unleashed, it would destroy her and her father for good. Ironically, she still protected him by keeping it at bay.
“I can’t stay,” she said.
Daniel clasped his hands together and pleaded, “What do you want me to do?”
A good thing about losing one’s mind, Alex considered, was that she didn’t care what the gawking driver thought of her or her crumbling father. Bystanders no longer meant anything. She rolled the idea around in her head. Jake had died because of what other people thought. Maybe this was the way to survive, to completely stop caring about other people’s opinions, including the people she loved.
Thoughts of Sally, Claire, Chuck, and Zoe reminded her that was impossible, especially Zoe. They’d known each other only a short time, but she missed her more than she imagined she would. She put her fingers to her mouth and tried to touch the memory of Zoe’s lips on hers. Anxiety raced to join the emotions plaguing her. It taunted her that the more she loved a person, the deeper it would cut when they were gone. Experience told her that people always left, even those she trusted the most, which was exactly what she intended to do. Leave.
She swallowed her anxiety and answered, “Nothing.”
“You’ll never see your mother again if you go,” he said.
“Don’t you know I see her every day in the void left by Jake? Not to see her hateful, angry face ever again is exactly what I need. Otherwise, she’ll haunt me for the rest of my life. What difference would it make to see her one last time while she’s still living?”
“You can’t mean that.”
Alex hesitated. An epiphany bloomed in her gut and over her body, slowing her thoughts as it took shape. This thing that manifested in what her mother had done to Jake consumed a piece of her every day that it festered. It was all she thought about, the only memory that came when she considered her mother. Maybe by seeing her one last time, she would find a way to extinguish the vision and put that awful memory away for good. Regardless of what she decided to do, her father didn’t deserve to play a role. She let her rage loose. “I’ll never forgive you for not protecting Jake. I can’t pretend that it didn’t happen, either. Every day I remember the things Mom said to him while you just sat there, paralyzed. Do you remember?”
His face paled and he didn’t answer.
“Do you remember her calling him filthy? Do you remember her telling him what a disgrace he was? You and I both know Jake had the purest heart of all of us. He deserved so much more.” Alex turned her eyes forward and stared at the back of the driver’s seat. “Do you remember Mom telling him she would rather he be dead than gay?” She glanced back at him.
His body shivered. From what, she wasn’t entirely sure. “I love you, Alex,” he said.
“I wish I could believe you.” Being honest about her hurt liberated her. With it came a new vulnerability, as if she’d been reborn, but as an infant without a home or family. She shook her head. “How can you say you love me now when you never did before? You don’t even know me. Love in our family is nothing but a lie. It always has been. Love isn’t something you barter with like you and Mom did. You don’t say to a person, especially your own kid, that you’ll stop loving them if they go outside the lines of your perfect, fake existence. I don’t want anything to do with you ever again.”
Daniel came apart at the seams, like pulling a thread from a sweater until the weave unraveled. He put his head in his hands and wept. Alex felt like throwing up. Instinctively, she wanted to run to him and put her arms around him to hold him together, but the rage living inside her took pleasure in seeing him feel the same pain she had felt every second of every day since Jake died. What was left of her rationality reminded her the rage was toxic, slowly and painfully killing her one piece of her soul at a time. She couldn’t help it, though.
Her shadow on the seat next to her caught her eye. It resembled her mother. Who have I become? Tears welled in her eyes. “Please, just go, will you?” she asked the driver.
The driver fumbled to put the taxi in gear and pulled out onto the main road. His chatty expression was replaced by a determination to get her where she needed to go as quickly as possible.
Something caused Alex to turn back and look at the island one last time. That’s when she saw the eagle, exactly the same as on her first day back in Glasgow. The enormous raptor kept pace with the taxi. She stuck her head out the window for a better view as it glided overhead. The eagle followed them over the next several miles. Its presence wrapped her in a desperate need to survive, as if her survival depended on the eagle, and its survival on hers.
“Please, stop the car for a minute!”
“Stop the car?” The driver lifted his head to glance at her in the rearview mirror. “You’re going to have to make up your mind.”
“Just for a minute.”
“If you insist.” He pulled the taxi onto the side of the road and parked. “Do you need something from the trunk?”
Alex opened the door and stepped outside. “No, there’s someone I forgot to say good-bye to.” She pointed at the sky. “I’ll be right back. I’m only going to walk a little way down the road.”
The driver looked at her as though she’d lost her mind. No matter, she had.
Now that the taxi had stopped, the eagle circled overhead. She must be crazy. No one but a crazy woman would believe that its focus was her. She kept her eyes on the sky, following the eagle’s every move as she walked farther down the side of the road in the direction of the camp.
She heard the rumble of a vehicle before it appeared over the rise of the hill. Zoe parked her truck on the side of the road. Alex turned back in the direction of the cab, not wanting to have to face Zoe. She picked up her pace. She had suspected her father might try to follow her, but not Zoe. If he had, she was sure it would’ve felt like being chased by her demons. But seeing Zoe felt more like being rescued. She resisted turning around and running into Zoe’s arms.
“Wait,” Zoe yelled.
Alex stopped as Zoe’s footsteps drew nearer. A hand covered hers. Instinctively, she turned her palm up and closed her fingers around Zoe’s. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She was afraid to turn around and have Zoe see her as a tired, shattered person, unable to give anything to anyone. She felt Zoe’s body so close to hers. She only wanted to turn and melt into Zoe, finally safe, but anxiety would come for her no matter where she tried to hide. Zoe would only get caught in the middle. She couldn’t let that happen. She pulled her hand from Zoe’s grip.
Zoe blocked her path and took hold of her shoulders. “I’m not letting you go.” The still circling eagle called out a sound like a soft scream. “And obviously the eagles don’t want you to leave either.”
“I don’t know how to feel better. I’ll only hurt you,” Alex said through her tears. “I’m so tired.”
“I know.” Zoe embraced her. “Let me help you, please. Stay for a little while longer. Don’t run away. I’ll do anything you need except let you go.”
“Why?” Alex had to know. She craved having someone want her without expectation.
Zoe wiped a tear from her cheek. “You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. I’m afraid if you go now, that smile will disappear forever. Please, don’t give up. I care so much about you.”
Alex let Zoe fold her in her arms. For the first time since she was a little girl, she let herself be protected by another person. It felt good to let trust replace fear, if only for a moment. She rested her head on Zoe’s shoulder. Everything about being in Z
oe’s arms felt good and right. She gestured at the eagle. “You and the eagle came when I needed someone the most.”
“Mother Nature never leaves anything to chance. We were meant to cross paths this summer. I’m so glad that was her plan.”
Alex pushed out of Zoe’s embrace. “I am too. But I don’t want meeting you to be ruined by the mess that I am.”
“Listen to me.” Zoe grabbed her elbows. “I have no doubt that Fate has a hand in what happens to us. Nothing you did, or didn’t do, can change what happened to Jake. But you do have a choice in how you deal with it. He ran away, but you can choose a different path than he did. Find a way to let the past go and be happy. Stay and get help. Don’t leave. Confront it. I’ll stay by your side the whole way.”
Zoe was right. Leaving Glasgow now was no different from what Jake did when he let go and slipped over the side of the canoe. If she left, her body might continue to live, but her heart would die. Zoe’s touch gave her the energy to want to get better. She ached to finally break free from the despair and worry. “I’ll stay through the summer. But then I have to go.”
Smiling, Zoe put her hands on Alex’s shoulders and shook her gently. “Will you do me one favor? When you do leave, please say good-bye in person.”
“I promise.”
“Let me get your bags from the cab driver. I’ll take you back to the camp.”
“I’m not ready to go back just yet.”
“We’ll go wherever you want to,” Zoe said.
“I’d like to see Dac.” Alex still felt the eaglet’s heart beating as she had when she’d brought it across the lake in the night. A remnant of that energy pulsed with hers.
“I’ll call Sally and let her know where we’ll be so she can let your father know you’ll be coming home.” Zoe pulled Alex into her arms and held her close. “Thank you.”
Chapter 23
Alex followed Zoe into the office of the Lewiston Raptor Rehabilitation Center. The faces of Maine’s most common birds of prey stared at her from photographs lining the entryway walls. She stopped to look at them more closely, the eagles, hawks, and owls of many different kinds.
“All of these birds have been visitors here at one time or another.” Zoe pointed at a photo of an almost pure-white owl with yellow eyes. “This snowy owl was one of my favorites. She’d been hit by a car up in Bangor. We picked her up and brought her here. She was the feistiest bird I’ve ever known, except for maybe our Dac. Come hell or high water, that bird was going to fly free again. After several weeks of mending a broken wing, she was released. We tracked her all the way up into the Arctic over several years.”
“She’s gorgeous,” Alex said. “I hope Dac can manage the same.”
“He’s in the best hands here. Nobody does raptor rehab better than Casey Stills and her staff.”
“That’s nice of you to say, Zoe.” A tall, mocha-skinned woman wearing dark-green scrubs stood in the doorway of a room off to the side. She stepped into the office and put her arms around Zoe. “Good to see you, friend. Nice work getting that eaglet out of the water last night. You probably saved its life.”
“I couldn’t have done it without help.” Zoe glanced at Alex. “Casey, this is my friend, Alex. Alex, this is Casey. She’s the manager of the facility.”
“Nice to meet you,” Alex said.
A loud screech pierced the air.
Casey rolled her eyes. “That’s Patch, one of our resident eagles. He knows the sound of his handler’s truck. Rick shows up for work right about now, and you’d think Patch hasn’t seen him in months. Rick is the bright spot in Patch’s day.”
“I wouldn’t have thought an eagle would be so attached to a human,” Alex said.
“Normally, we do our best not to let them get attached. Unfortunately, Patch is one of our birds who will never be released back into the wild. He can’t fly anymore. The bones in his left wing were shattered when a poacher shot him.” Casey shook her head. “Now, Patch lives for when Rick takes him on his arm out in the field. The two of them stand on the top of the hill. Rick lifts his arm as high as he can to let Patch spread his wings, letting his feathers get ruffled by the wind. I wonder if he imagines himself flying again.”
Alex couldn’t help thinking about Dac. She considered what would be worse: never learning to fly, or knowing how and having the ability ripped away by a bullet. Suddenly, the similarity between her situation and Patch’s struck her. Having her childhood happiness torn away paralleled Patch’s trauma from an injury. But Zoe was right. Unlike a shattered wing that couldn’t be repaired, Alex still had a choice to mend her life and find happiness again. She tucked that thought away.
“Do you try to release the birds if there’s at least some hope they’ll fly again?” she asked.
“Definitely. Raptors are meant to fly. Don’t get me wrong, Patch has a good life here, for the most part. He’s loved and well taken care of. And he has an important purpose. Rick takes him to schools and events around New England to help educate the public about eagles. Patch seems to enjoy the attention and is always very well behaved. But if there’s a chance to fly again, we’d rather the bird get it than not. Quality of life is more important than quantity for their wild souls.”
“Speaking of chances, how’s the eaglet we brought in last night doing?” Zoe asked. “Any idea as to whether, or when, he might be released?”
“He has a minor fracture in his right leg. The vet thinks it should heal fine without surgery. We’re guessing it’ll take about ten days to heal provided we can get him to eat. He’s still a bit depressed this morning and hasn’t been interested in food.”
“That’s not good for an eaglet,” Zoe explained to Alex. “He should be eating nonstop. And if he’s going to fly, he should learn from his parents. The longer he’s away from them, the more remote that possibility becomes.” To Casey, she continued, “I’d like to see him put back at the nest as soon as possible even if he’s not a hundred percent. On balance, it’ll be better for him. Every day he’s here is one more day stacked against him living in the wild.”
“I know. We have to get him to eat and heal first. We’ll do it as quickly as we can, provided he’s willing. Speaking of, that’s where I was headed now if you’re interested in joining me.” Casey took a cell phone out of her pocket when it buzzed. “I’m sorry. I have to take this call. Zoe, you know the routine. If you and Alex want to give a shot at feeding the eaglet, that would help me out. Just keep an eye out for Star.”
“Sure, no problem,” Zoe said. She motioned for Alex to follow her.
“Who’s Star?” Alex asked as she waved good-bye to Casey.
Zoe led the way outside to a separate building. She twisted the door handle. “She’s a very old eagle who has been here almost ten years. Casey and the staff often put young, injured eaglets in with her to help them feel not so alone. Star has a strong maternal instinct even though none of the eaglets are her babies. She just seems to know when they need a little maternal care. The rehab center would rather they get it from her than humans.”
“I never would’ve imagined.”
“What’s that?” Zoe asked, pushing the door open with her shoulder.
“Patch and Star, they’ve still found purpose even though they can’t live in the wild.”
Zoe winked. “Just goes to show that even wild creatures have it within themselves to make their lives matter despite their circumstances. There’s a lot we can learn from them.” She reached out and caressed Alex’s shoulder. “Just like your life matters.” She stepped into the room.
Alex let the statement sink in and followed Zoe into the room. She’d always believed that her work as a historian mattered, but she had never considered that she mattered.
She hesitated when they entered the room. Star stood on a perch and spread her wings wide, showing off her brilliant feathers. Her head and tail were snow white. Shiny black feathers covered the rest of her body. Her wings took up almost the entire width of the wall be
hind her. “Star is so regal,” Alex said. “I feel like I’m in the presence of royalty.”
Star tucked her wings against her sides, cocked her head, and seemed to study them. Her yellow beak and talons contrasted with her white and black feathers. Her large, pale yellow eyes locked on Alex and followed her every move. “I never realized how big an eagle’s eyes are compared to the size of its body,” Alex said.
“Eagle eyes are the same size as human eyes, yet the average adult eagle only weighs twelve to fourteen pounds. Believe me, they see everything.”
“Like right into my soul.” Alex was mesmerized, but out of respect for the bird, she didn’t stare back. She was also humbled by a creature who’d had the most important thing in its world—its ability to fly—taken away, yet it held its head high and radiated life. Maybe the most important thing to Star wasn’t flying, but being alive.
“She likes you,” Zoe said softly. “If she didn’t, she’d keep her wings spread wide in an effort to show off her size. She knows we aren’t a threat. Star is both regal and wise. She’s only curious about what we’re up to and probably hoping she gets something out of the deal.”
Zoe opened a drawer and got out two pairs of rubber gloves. She handed a pair to Alex. “You’ll need these,” she said as she put on the other pair.
“Where do you think Dac is?” Alex asked, putting on her pair of gloves
“Over there.” Zoe pointed at what looked like a child’s playpen, except its walls were about four feet tall and made of wood. She opened one of the two refrigerators in the room, took out several plastic bags, and tossed them on the countertop. “Casey said he’s depressed. My guess is that he’s huddled in the corner hoping no one notices him. Even though Star appears to be fine with us in the room, keep an eye on her and don’t get close enough for her to grab you.”
