by Zeke Biddle
“How long do you think he’s going to keep mashing the button?” the old woman asks.
“What do you expect?” Alexandra asks, sounding joyful for the first time. “He’s a man, Dasandra. They never know how to work a button.”
Everyone around us laughs.
“Hey, I know what a clitoris is,” I say.
My complaint does nothing to silence the laughter.
“Can you stop hitting that button unless you’re an Engineer or Builder or some class that knows what to do? I don’t want you to break it worse than it’s already broken.”
I turn toward her and flex my arms. “I’m not a Builder. I’m a warrior.”
The laughter swarms me like flies at a picnic.
“You’re no warrior, scrawny man,” Alexandra says.
I look at my arm and do a double take at the skinny limb I find there. “What the hell? I’m always a warrior.”
“You look more like a wizard to me.” She scrunches up her nose again as if the word tastes bad in her mouth.
Dasandra places her free hand on Alexandra’s arm. “Can I interrupt for a second, dear?”
“Be my guest. I’m going to hit the road, anyway. I’m not going to find someone to fix the bridge sitting around in this village. Farewell, Dasandra.” Alexandra starts shoving some of her supplies in her pack as she prepares to leave.
“And you,” the old woman replies, turning her clouded-over eyes back to me. “Wizard, will you help—”
“Actually, I’m a warrior,” I mumble as if repeatedly saying it will make it so.
“Don’t try to pass yourself off as something you’re clearly not. Especially when there’s no shame in the route you’ve chosen. Some of the land’s mightiest heroes and most terrible monsters are magic. Even the great One-Eyed Monster wouldn’t be half the man he is without the two fierce Magi who battle by his side.”
“The who?” I ask, not even bothering to suppress my smirk.
“The less you know about him, the better,” Alexandra says with an answering smirk. “You could never beat the One-Eyed Monster.”
“Lady, I’ve beaten the one-eyed monster every night since I was thirteen. Several times, some nights.” I laugh out loud. When no one joins me, I add, “Oh, come on. That was funny.”
Alexandra shakes her head in disgust and starts walking down the road.
There’s something about her. Sure, her ass looks great swaying hypnotically as she walks away, but there’s more than that. It’s stupid since she’s just a character in a game and clearly doesn’t like me, but I want to stay close to her. I’d call it destiny if I believed in that sort of thing.
“Sorry about your quest, but I’ve gotta go.”
One thing’s for sure, in a game that promised me loot and booty and a harem of women, there’s no way I’m letting that booty get away so easily.
4
I start after her, but the old lady grabs my arm with a surprisingly strong grip and pulls me to a stop.
“Before you leave,” she says in a deep and serious voice while I watch Alexandra’s ass sway back and forth provocatively. “I must ask for your help. There are monsters being created in the Cursed Woods. Because of our isolated location, danger rarely comes to our doorsteps. But the Cursed Woods is right in our backyard. We won’t have the strength to defend ourselves if…when the monsters attack. Will you venture into the Cursed Woods, find the source of these cursed creatures, and destroy it? If you do, you shall always have a home in Raven Haven.”
The last thing I need to do is try to kill a bunch of monsters. I don’t even have a sword. Hell, I’m a wizard. I don’t even know if I can use a sword. The whole thing sounds like a great way to get killed before I get a chance to get laid.
But my best chance of getting laid gets further from me with each passing second.
I’d say anything to get her to let go of me. “Sure, sure. I’ll take care of it for you. That’s me. One badass hero for hire.”
Dasandra breathes out a very realistic sigh of relief. “That’s just fine. I must ask you to hurry, though. Finish the mission before the next full moon and we’ll give you the best place to live in the village.”
Like I’d ever want to spend a night in this village, much less own one of the shitty houses. “What happens after the full moon?”
“It’ll be too late.” She doesn’t offer any further explanation.
“Of course,” I say as I glance at the houses barely fit for housing livestock, wondering if putting the village out of its misery would really be the worst thing. “I’ll return as soon as it is done, I guess.”
When she finally lets me go, I sprint after Alexandra, eventually catching her on the edge of town.
“Leave me alone, wizard.”
“Let me come with you. We can help keep each other safe.”
She throws her head back and laughs. “You? Help me? That’s a good one. I don’t want you around me. Your incompetence will just get me killed. You’re a weak wizard, even as far as wizards go. Have you even learned to cast your first spell yet?”
Her unexpected cruelty stops me cold.
She’s right, though. As she leaves me behind, I’m confronted by just how ignorant I am of the game. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me so much, but the heightened visuals and sensory feedback make this game feel all too real. There’s something about how perfect everything is that’s making me feel uneasy.
I try to access the game menu once more to see if I can save or quit yet, but no menu appears.
“Kip! Where are you?” I shout at the sky.
He surprises me by replying. “I’m at work.” I hadn’t really expected him to be paying attention, much like every other god. “What do you want?”
The questions pour out of me. “Why can’t I quit? Why can’t I save? Where are the menu and character screens? How do I cast a spell?”
Kip yawns. “You’re going to have to figure out a lot of it on your own, man. They made some big changes during the last code check-in. I haven’t had a chance to sort through it all myself. To make testing cycles go faster, it looks like they removed a lot of options. I’m not sure if it was an accident, or if others realized we have a way to trap people in the game, and they’re having some fun with it, too.”
“It’s not much fun for me, Kip.”
“Whatever. Here’s something I can tell you. If you call your familiar, it should come. The rest you’ll have to figure out on your own.”
“Some big help you are,” I say looking back and forth between Alexandra and the village, trying to determine my next step.
“I’m not your mentor, Marcus. I’m the asshole who trapped you in a game. I don’t have to be nice to you anymore. You didn’t let me finish earlier, though. I do have an offer for you. If you kill Titus, I’ll set you free. Fail, and you’ll die in the game.”
Sick and tired of talking to this maniac, I start running back toward the cliff. “Fine. That’s the way it’s gonna be, I’ll just quit. I’ll jump off the cliff, die, and when I wake up back in my dorm room, I’ll delete the game.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Kip says with another yawn.
“Why not?”
“I’m not sure exactly how it works, but except for two other people, everyone I’ve sent into the game has had their character killed and also died back in the real world.”
I come to a skidding halt a few feet from the edge of the cliff. My heart’s racing. “Stop screwing with me. I’m not going to die for real just because of a little game.”
“Do whatever you need to, man. I’m not lying to you, though. There’s some bug in the code. You die in the game, you die in the real world. I assume it’s a game, at least.”
“What about the two people who didn’t? Maybe I’ll just do whatever they did.”
“If you figure it out, let me know. One of the people who hasn’t died, as far as I can tell, just disappeared. I have no idea where they are. Another bug, I suppose. Alph
a games are the worst, aren’t they?”
“So maybe they escaped.”
“They didn’t. I’m still monitoring their real body.”
A cold lump of dread sinks to the pit of my stomach. “Okay, but what about the other one?”
“He’s still very much in the game. He’s Titus, the One-Eyed Monster. He’s killed all the others and is most likely already looking for you.”
5
“Fine. I’ll kill this Titus of yours.”
Kip laughs. “Good luck. He started with a cheat code I can’t give the rest of you because of changes in the codebase. He’s been stuck in the game for years already; in game time, at least. He’s got an army, a fortress, and a harem. He’s got everything. I mean, I really hope you can kill him, but your best bet might be to learn how to farm and live the best life you can in some safe part of the game world and hope he doesn’t bother with you. You go after Titus, you’re definitely going to die.”
“If I don’t have a chance, why’d you do this to me?”
“Do gods have to justify their actions?”
I don’t say anything for a few minutes. Arguing with Kip isn’t going to help me.
If I try to lay low, Titus will find me, and if he finds me, he’ll kill me.
If I charge after him, he’ll slaughter me on the battlefield.
I look over the edge and consider jumping again.
If the bottom were visible, I might. As far as I know, though, it’s another bug. If I jump, I could be stuck in an infinite loop, falling forever, never dying, never living.
I take a closer look at the village. The thought of a life in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do besides gossip with the same handful of people for the rest of my life is inconceivable.
There’s no way I can go charging straight after Titus, who sounds like an incredibly powerful boss.
Alexandra was right. I don’t even know how to cast a spell yet.
The answer hits me. I have too much to learn and will need her help to survive. I can’t let her get away from me.
Kip says, “Be grateful that I gave you that robe and staff. That’s something new I figured out after Titus. He just got a bump to his attributes and skills. He ran around in his underwear at first.”
“I’d rather run around naked and have those cheat codes, Kip,” I say, already starting to hurry after my warrior…well, mine once I talk her into partnering up. “Can I trade the clothes in for something more useful?”
“Nope. They’re really cracking down here. I’m not going to lose my job to save your scrawny little ass.”
“I thought you were a pizza delivery driver?”
“I know you did. That’s why you’re stuck in the game. My break’s over. Time to write some code. Good luck.”
I call out to him a few more times, but he doesn’t answer.
Alexandra stops to sit on the ground near the edge of a forest near the village. She doesn’t look likely to move anytime soon.
Since she’s probably going to reject me, I decide to see what else I can learn or steal from the villagers.
I pull on a door that seems to lead to a common eating area. The door’s locked. I stop at the next house, but nobody answers the door there, either.
When I try the house across the street, a man’s voice from inside says, “Don’t you think you should be moving on? The sooner you start, the sooner the quest will be completed.”
He ignores my further pleadings to come to the door.
Someone does open the door at the next house.
It’s Dasandra. She hits my head with her walking stick when she sees me. “Move along. The town’s closed to you until you complete the quest.”
Giving up on the village, I hurry after Alexandra. She’s back on her feet, but still staring into the dense trees of the forest.
Acting as if we’ve been getting along just fine, I ask, “So what’s the plan? Where are we going?”
“Somewhere you aren’t,” she snaps back.
Ignoring her rejection, I keep my voice playful and say, “You’ve been staring into the woods for a while now but haven’t gone in. Clearly, you’re waiting for me to accompany you.” I hold my arms out wide. “Here I am. Let’s go.”
Alexandra talks, but I’m not sure if she’s talking to me. “The woods are definitely the shorter route. Going around will add weeks to the journey. I might find a horse along the way, but even then it assumes I’m not going to get ambushed somewhere along the road. Going through the woods, though, I’ll certainly be attacked by the monsters within. I just don’t know…”
“We could flip a coin… If you have one, at least. I’m kinda broke.”
She scowls at me. “Didn’t you hear me a second ago? You’re not invited. Now, shut up and let me think.”
My silence only lasts a few seconds. “Why don’t you want to travel with me?”
“Because you’re a wizard. Even the best wizards are unpredictable and sporadic. Who knows what their magic will do or who it will hurt? I’ll be safer alone with my good reliable steel.” She shakes her sword at me before looking back at the trees.
“Good news. I don’t know any dangerous spells…or any spells, actually.”
She continues ignoring me.
“You know this isn’t a game! I can die out here!” I protest.
I’m frustrated, scared, and desperate for a friend.
“Death can come to any of us at any time, wizard. But it will come for you long before me. And I don’t want to be anywhere nearby when it claims you.”
She takes a couple of steps toward the forest as if deciding the risk is worth the time she’ll save.
Rather than being left behind, I rush after her, grab her arm, and drag her with me past the first few trees.
We only make a few steps into the woods before Alexandra slides to a stop and yanks her arm free. “If you’re going through the forest, I’m going around. If you’re going around, I’m going through. Got it? I don’t want to travel with you.”
Placing my hands on my hips and standing tall, I say, “I’m not afraid of the woods. I’m going through.”
“Fine. Then I’m going around.”
She takes a step backward. In the space where there’d been an entrance into the forest a second ago, a solid wall of trees blocks the way as surely as any wall.
“What the hell happened?” I ask.
“You idiot. You’ve trapped us in the Cursed Woods. Once inside the boundary, rumor around the village says, no living being may pass again except by walking out the other side. Not only have you invited your own death on your little adventure, but you’ve also doomed me, too. Idiot wizard.”
A woman screams from somewhere deeper into the forest.
Without thinking, I run toward the sound.
Alexandra grabs the back of my robe and pulls me to a stop. “Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said? You can’t just go running after every sound in the Cursed Woods.”
“But she needs our help. Maybe if we help her, she can help us.”
“That’s probably not even a woman. It’s probably some bird of prey who knows the easiest way to catch a stupid man for dinner is to pretend to be a damsel in distress.”
I look at her, then into the woods, and then back at her. She clearly knows more about this world than I probably ever will. It sure hadn’t sounded like any bird to me, though.
But when the woman screams again, a primal instinct to save the strange woman moves me. I move before Alexandra can grab me, and start running deeper into the Cursed Woods, hoping she’ll follow.
Either way, I hope the next woman I meet is at least nice.
Bonus points if she’s hot and horny, too.
6
While running through the forest with no weapon and no magic, I remembered something Kip said.
I have a familiar.
I wonder if it’s a bear or a horse or a mountain lion or something useful like that.
Even more important a
t the moment, I wonder how I can use it.
I try snapping my fingers. Nothing magically appears.
I bang the butt of my staff on the ground. Nothing.
I shout, “Hey, familiar. If you can hear me, could you come help us, please?”
My vision goes blurry for a few seconds. When it clears, the world suddenly changes.
Instead of being surrounded by trees, I’m high above them, looking down on the forest.
Wow. I didn’t know I could fly.
My vision goes blurry again. When it clears a second time, I see two worlds at once. I can still see the tops of the trees as I soar above them, but I can also see the trunks surrounding me down where I stand on the ground.
It’s like I’m in two places at the same time.
It nearly makes me vomit.
The flying-me dives rapidly towards the trees. The edges of my vision go blurry again from the rapid descent. I raise my hands to protect myself from the branches, but fortunately, standing-me is not in control.
It’s like riding a terrifying roller coaster. Whoever’s in charge is much better than I would ever be. He spins and twists, dodging every branch and every tree trunk. It’s surreal when flying-me soon sees standing-me looking like an idiot in the middle of the forest with my hands covering my face.
I pull my arms against my sides and see a giant eagle flying straight at me, talons stretched out in front of it. I fall on my butt and crab-walk away, not nearly fast enough.
The giant bird lands on my stomach and lightly pecks me on my forehead. Somewhere deep inside my brain, I hear a voice say, “I’m here, wizard. How can I serve you?”
“Are you real?” I ask.
He nods his head.
I shout to Alexandra, “I have an idea. We’ll attack whatever monsters lie ahead with this bird. Look at him. He’s huge.”
Alexandra turns to me. “Are you sure you’re a wizard? They say wizards are supposed to be smart, but you sure do seem dumb. Everyone knows familiars aren’t for fighting. They’re just scouts for you magic users. Sometimes, they’ll fetch things for you, but that’s all. Only the dumbest of the dumb would send their familiars to fight. If the familiar dies in battle, its wizard dies too. You’re bound to it, you fool.”
