Even though Declan sported an erection that everyone was aware of, he sluggishly rolled off of me and tossed me a knowing look. “You should eat.”
Blah, blah, my well-being, blah, blah. It was nice these guys wanted to take care of me, but I wasn’t a child. I could tell them when I was hungry and when I wasn’t. I didn’t have to eat—
My stomach chose that precise moment to gurgle, and I felt slightly nauseous from the lack of food.
All right. Fine. The guys won this round, but I reserved the right to deny them in the future.
I rolled off the bed, feeling the aching need for Declan slowly subsiding inside me as I went down the stairs. Pasta and pasta sauce, nothing special, but still, it was better than nothing. I slid into the kitchen chair in front of the full plate, grabbed the fork that rested beside it, and dug in, not saying a word to either of the guys, who’d both followed me down.
Travis glanced at Declan’s crotch. “Come on, man.”
Declan must’ve resisted the urge to roll his eyes, for he only turned, giving us his back as he worked to adjust himself. While he was doing that, Travis scooted into the chair beside me, eyeing me up. Not suspiciously, but almost like he couldn’t quite figure out why I cared about Declan so much.
To that I’d say, I didn’t know. I didn’t know why I cared about any of these guys so much. I fell into their mess and stole a part of them unknowingly. And Will, God, Will had been a surprise, and he’d been strong even when Declan wasn’t. I was a mess, and this…this was all my mess now.
But, you know what? At least the pasta was good.
“You’re a good cook,” I spoke with a mouth full of half-chewed pasta. Manners? Yeah, I had some, somewhere. They were nowhere to be seen right now, though.
“Don’t tell him that,” Declan said, sitting on the chair on my other side. I was sandwiched between the two, and I felt oddly comfortable. “He might try to poison you next—”
Travis scoffed. “Poisoning is a woman’s method. When men kill, they’re usually more straightforward.” He spoke like he had some knowledge of the subject, which caused both Declan and I to stare at him in shock.
Maybe…maybe Travis would be able to handle Ray.
Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.
Both Declan and Travis watched me eat, and I made it through about half the plate when I knew I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I slowly set the fork down, glancing at each of them before whispering, “There is something else I have to tell you.”
Travis’s expression gave nothing away; Declan’s, however, was curious.
“I…” Holy hell, I never imagined this would feel like pulling teeth. At least, it’s what I imagined pulling teeth was like, seeing as how I’d never actually pulled any teeth myself. As for my own teeth, they were perfectly intact. I should just spit it out, get it over with, quit dragging this out. “I slept with Ray.”
Travis frowned immediately, and I watched his knuckles tighten, his fingers curling into fists, even though he tried to hide them. His back straightened, and his expression was instantly murderous. Not towards me, but towards Ray himself. Travis could apparently stomach me with Declan, but me with Ray? That was too far, too much.
I couldn’t blame him there, because it was wrong. I shouldn’t have let my weakness control me like that. In a word, I was stupid.
On the other hand, Declan looked…sad. Not really surprised, and I wondered if he already suspected. Travis had to have known, since I walked in here wearing nothing but a hoodie and a slip—which were still in the bathroom, in the sink, waiting to be burned. Declan’s dark eyes studied me, but he said nothing.
Neither of them said anything, which only made me feel like I had to keep talking.
Again, stupid.
“I know it was wrong. It was a mistake. I…” I paused, trying to think of the words to say, what to tell these guys to not completely break their hearts. Hearing that I slept with Ray must make them feel similar to how I did seeing Sawyer with Kelsey. “I loved him, even though it was wrong.”
“He’s a fucking pedophile who tried to mold you into himself,” Travis hissed, getting to his feet. As he stood, the wooden chair he sat on scraped on the floor. It was a loud, jarring sound, and it made me wince. “I need air.” He said nothing else as he left the kitchen, and a few moments later, I watched him leave out the back door. He collapsed onto a patio chair and instantly pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up.
“For what it’s worth, which probably isn’t much, I do regret it,” I whispered to the only guy left in the room. “He was my first love, and I was blinded by it.” By him, really.
Declan was quiet for a while, but soon he reached for me, weaving his fingers through mine. “You don’t have to explain. I…I get it. After Sabrina, I was lost for almost a year.” His thumb lightly ran over the top of my hand, sending tingles up my arm. “I’d still be lost, I think, if you weren’t in my life.”
I stared at him hard, feeling the need to hug him, to hold him, to tell him that he wasn’t as lost as he thought he was; he just needed a little push in the right direction. My fingers tightened around his, and I said, “I feel like I’m just making all of your lives worse. If it wasn’t for me, Ray wouldn’t have attacked you or your brother.”
His dark eyes shifted to the floor, and I couldn’t help but think about what Ray said. Did I stare at the face of a liar? I…I honestly didn’t want to believe it. If there was one Hillcrest boy I could believe in, I wanted it to be Declan.
Travis was the resident psycho, Sawyer was the eternal frat boy and playboy, and Declan was the sincere rock of it all.
Or…I thought he was, until Ray said that.
“Don’t blame yourself for what happened,” Declan eventually said, bringing his gaze back up to me. He moved our hands so they rested on his lap. “You couldn’t have known Ray was here. You thought he was going to be put away.”
“But he wasn’t.”
“No, he wasn’t, and now…”
I bit my lower lip. “Now he’ll be watching, waiting. I think it’ll be a while before he tries to come after any of you again, but he will. We need to be ready.”
Declan’s dark head nodded a few times, and I could tell, just by the far-off look he wore, he was lost in his own head. It took him a while to say, “Can I ask you something? Feel free to say no, or tell me I’m overstepping—”
I squeezed his hand. “You can ask me anything and everything.”
“Is this…” He swallowed hard as he glanced over his shoulder, at the windows that showed us the dark backyard. Travis was but a shadow outside, although the end of his cigarette lit up every now and then. Declan finally looked back to me. “Is this what you want?”
What…what did he mean? I opened my mouth to respond, to ask him to clarify, but then it dawned on me. Did I want him, did I want Travis? Did I…did I care for the fuckup upstairs? Of course. The answer to that would always be a resounding yes, even if it was wrong. I’d gone from a serial killer to a group of guys who were all messed up in their own ways.
But, you know what? I wouldn’t have them any other way. A simple life, an easy life—sounded nice on paper, but in reality? There were no simple and easy lives. Life was messy, convoluted, and relationships were never cut and dry.
Even if Declan had hurt himself on purpose, it wouldn’t change the way I felt about him. These guys…they’d taken up residence in the black hole in my heart Ray had left when I discovered how much of a monster he truly was. How could I possibly look Declan in the eyes and tell him that I didn’t want this?
This. This was what I wanted all along.
Chapter Twelve – Declan
I think we’d all be liars if we claimed to not care about what Ash just said. She slept with Ray. I hated hearing it, but I was glad she told us. The admission made me lose myself for a few moments though, because I remembered Sabrina, how we were constantly off and on, and I let her wander, let her do what she thought she had to
.
This…this couldn’t be like that. I didn’t want Ash with anyone and everyone, but at the same time, I knew she cared for the others in this house. Or, well, in this house and the one brooding outside.
Travis had gone outside to smoke, probably to relieve whatever tension had arisen within him at her admission, but I couldn’t leave her side. Travis had snuck behind my back while I was with Sabrina, for months. Again, there was no way I’d let that happen here. I held a resentment toward him for what he did, but I…I was willing to overlook it—or try to—for the girl beside me.
There was a lot I’d do for Ash, and not a lot I wouldn’t.
When I asked her if this was what she wanted, I couldn’t help but wonder what her answer would be. What if she chose one of us? What if she didn’t choose me? I…I didn’t know how I’d handle that, frankly. It was always a fear of mine, after learning of Sabrina’s cheating with Travis, that I wasn’t good enough. That I couldn’t hold a girl’s attention without her needing to go somewhere else. I wanted to be enough, but I knew what Ash’s feelings were, and I’d meant it when I said I would share her.
As long as everything was out in the open, as long as no one lied to me, I would manage.
I held her hand on my lap, and I kept running small circles on the top of her palm, absentmindedly. I watched her, waiting for her response. Ash was lost in her own head, thinking, and the more time that passed by that she was silent, the more uneasy I became.
But then she spoke. Then she parted those full, tempting lips and told me her truth.
“Yes,” Ash said, her grey eyes heavy on me. “This is what I want. I want you. I want Travis. Is that wrong of me?” I noticed how she didn’t say Sawyer’s name, probably because she was still reeling after seeing him and Kelsey together. If I saw her with Ray, I knew I’d probably feel the same, but hearing it and seeing it were two totally different things.
That, I knew based off experience.
With my free hand, I reached for her hair, tucking it behind an ear. Its color was mostly blonde now. The pink was nearly all gone. “You can’t change what you feel,” I told her. I was about to say more, but Ash stopped me by moving out of her chair and onto mine. Straddling me. I let go of her hand as she made the move to me, and feeling her situating herself on me was…one of the best feelings in the world.
It wasn’t the first time I’d had her on my lap. Hell, I’d slept with her before—not sex, but real sleep. But this…it was impossible for my dick to not instantly perk up as I felt her backside through those athletic shorts and saw her nipples poking at the fabric of that white shirt.
“Ash,” I murmured her name, my hands finding her sides, snaking beneath her shirt. Her skin was so warm, so smooth and flawless. I was unable to get any other words out, for Ash then leaned in, her mouth finding mine as her arms wrapped around my neck. Her back arched, and she all but ground down on me, making me moan into her mouth.
It was insane how much I needed this girl, crazy how she made me feel. It wasn’t that long ago that I thought I’d never know happiness again. After losing the one thing you cared about, after being blamed for your girlfriend’s suicide, life wasn’t so fun. But this? This was…this was exactly what life should be like.
Heated. Passionate. Ravenous. I knew I’d never get enough of her, knew that no matter how much time I spent with her, how often I was able to be with her with our clothes tossed aside, it would never be enough. I’d always want more. More Ash, more crazy, more love.
The hands gripping her sides moved up her shirt, cupping her breasts the moment her tongue found its way into my mouth. Ray was the last thing on my mind as I felt her rock her hips along me, making me even harder. I ran my thumbs over her nipples, pinching them, tweaking them, and she pulled her lips from mine to moan.
If we didn’t get upstairs right now, I knew what we were liable to do…and I didn’t think Travis would take too kindly to seeing us together, not after what Ash said. Me? I was too hungry for the girl herself to linger. I had a one-track mind: Ash. I wanted Ash, and I would have her. Finally, after all this time. After longing for her like some lovesick schoolboy, I would be with the girl I adored more than anything in this world.
“Let’s go upstairs,” I murmured, to which she nodded.
Ash got off me, having to hold herself up with the table and her arms due to her blistered feet. I wasn’t terribly strong, but then again, Ash herself was thin and short. There was only one way to find out if I could do it.
I pulled her to me once I was on my feet, hoisting her up in my arms. She must’ve weighed a little over one hundred pounds, not an ounce of fat anywhere on her. She wasn’t too hard to carry out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
She let out a quiet giggle as we made our way up the stairs, and I swore I could’ve lost myself to the sound. I brought us to the same room we were in before, laying her down on the bed before checking the drawers of the nightstand. This was Sawyer’s house, after all. Travis had cleaned it of all of its drugs, but he didn’t get rid of the other thing Sawyer was well-known for.
In the nightstand’s top drawer—the only thing in the drawer, actually—was a box of condoms.
It’d been a long while since I’d had sex, so long that a part of me was worried that I wouldn’t perform well. Wasn’t that a fear of every guy, at one point or another? Ash, I wanted her to always remember this moment. Yes, this weekend had been full of awful things—and technically it was early Monday morning anyway, since it was after midnight—but there could be one ray of light in the darkness.
Me. I could be her light, her anchor. I could be everything she wanted me to be.
I just hoped I didn’t embarrass myself here.
With a wrapper in my hands, I crawled on the bed over her, kissing her hard, needing her to know how much this meant to me. I hoped she didn’t think I was taking advantage of her, prayed she wouldn’t regret this in the morning. We were all a little sleep deprived here, but Ash—I’d been waiting for Ash for so long.
Too long.
I couldn’t wait any more.
Setting the condom aside, I helped her out of her clothes first. The room was dark, the only light peeking in from the hallway. She lay there, watching me take off mine. My shirt, my pants, my boxers. Everything that restricted me, everything that would stop me from feeling her warm, flushed skin on mine.
My cock was hard, ready, dripping precum with the mere thought of finally being inside of her. I brought my lips to hers, kissing her once before trailing my mouth down her body. Between her breasts, over her stomach, stopping only when I grabbed her thighs and spread them wide.
She seemed to like it the last time I was down there, and I hoped I’d be even better for round two—except this time I wouldn’t finish with her rubbing her apex on me. This time I’d finish inside of her, feeling her entire body take mine in the way it should.
I ran my tongue along her folds, hearing her inhale sharply the moment it touched her. I was slow, at first. Slow and steady, tasting her, running my tongue around her nub, but then I took on an urgency. Then I showed her just how desperately hungry for her I was. My sluggishness gave way to a marathon sprint, and I sucked on her clit and applied pressure with my tongue, swirling around it, stimulating it, and her, as best as I could.
Ash’s body started to move, her hips grinding along my mouth, and she let out a muffled cry of pleasure, a few Oh, Gods and Oohs. Based on the way her body moved, how sultry and feminine her voice sounded, I’d say I was doing a damned good job.
Her fingers grasped the sheets below, and I could feel her body starting to tremble from my mouth’s work. It wasn’t long before she cried out—this time louder, this time more of an uncontrolled moan than anything else. I slowed my pace, only tearing my mouth off her when I felt her body relax. I pressed my wet lips against her inner thigh, a quick kiss before I grabbed the condom and tore the wrapper.
I watched her as I slid it on, and God, I would’ve sworn ri
ght then and there she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Her thin body, sinewy and flushed beneath me, her legs spread, her apex glistening in the darkness, wet for me, ready for me to push myself inside and lose myself in her. Her lips were parted slightly, and her eyes were half-lidded. She was a goddess, and I worshipped her like the sun.
Moving my body over hers, my cock needed no help to find her hole, and I pushed in easily, filling her up, inch by inch, until she took me completely in. I shuddered once I was inside, breathing hard. It was difficult to hold myself up, to keep my sanity, while buried in her.
A grunt escaped me as I started to thrust, dragging my length in and out of her, absolutely loving the feeling of her tight walls wrapped around me. It was like her body wanted me inside her, and it didn’t want me to leave. Her core wanted my dick as a permanent resident.
My balls slapped against her ass every time I pushed as deep as I could go, and she writhed beneath me, her blonde hair a halo around her head. Her eyes were hazy, a look of desire written across every feature. She moved her hands to my side, and I felt her start to push me. Before I knew it, we’d flipped positions, and she straddled me once again, just as she did downstairs, only this time, I was already hilt-deep inside of her.
Ash leaned down, setting her hands on my stomach, tracing the faint outline of abs I had. I wasn’t as built as Sawyer, but I liked to think I had a little bit of muscle. Her hips rocked back and forth, gliding along me, and I had to throw my head back and close my eyes. The feeling of her taking control, of me surrendering and letting her take the wheel, was intoxicating. Ash could ride me any day, any time. Hell, she could do whatever she wanted to me and I’d let her.
She was it for me. She was the be-all, end-all. If Ash ever left my life, there would never be anyone else. No one would ever compare to her. She was literally it, as dramatic as that made me. But I didn’t care about being dramatic; it was the truth.
Psycho: A Dark College Romance (Hillcrest University Book 4) Page 9
