My happiness in Norwich was in my garden, with Houghton as always, and with a few beloved friends.
There were that admirable minister and more admirable man, Alexander Abbott, and his dear family; and Edwin Higgins — Houghton’s close friend and, in time of need, most efficiently mine — and his family. A near neighbor and unfailing comfort, giving restful companionship, was Miss Elizabeth Huntington, and there were others, pleasant and kind.
In January, 1932, I discovered that I had cancer of the breast. My only distress was for Houghton. I had not the least objection to dying. But I did not propose to die of this, so I promptly bought sufficient chloroform as a substitute. Human life consists in mutual service. No grief, pain, misfortune or “broken heart” is excuse for cutting off one’s life while any power of service remains. But when all usefulness is over, when one is assured of unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one.
Public opinion is changing on this subject. The time is approaching when we shall consider it abhorrent to our civilization to allow a human being to die in prolonged agony which we should mercifully end in any other creature. Believing this open choice to be of social service in promoting wiser views on this question, I have preferred chloroform to cancer.
Going to my doctor for definite assurance, he solemnly agreed with my diagnosis and thought the case inoperable.
“Well,” said I cheerfully, “how long does it take?” He estimated a year and a half. “How long shall I be able to type?” I asked. “I must finish my Ethics.” He thought I might be quite comfortable for six months. It is now three and a half years and this obliging malady has given me no pain yet.
Then came what was pain — telling Houghton. He wanted an expert opinion, and we got it. No mistake. Then, since I utterly refused a late operation, he urged me to try X-ray treatment, which I did with good effects. He suffered a thousand times more than I did — but not for long. On the fourth of May, 1934, he suddenly died, from cerebral hemorrhage.
Whatever I felt of loss and pain was outweighed by gratitude for an instant, painless death for him, and that he did not have to see me wither and die — and he be left alone.
I flew to Pasadena, California, in the fall of 1934, to be near my daughter and grandchildren. Grace Channing, my lifelong friend, has come out to be with me. We two have a little house next door but one to my Katharine, who is a heavenly nurse and companion. Dorothy and Walter, her children, are a delight. Mr. Chamberlin, my son-in-law, has made the place into a garden wherein I spend happy afternoons under an orange-tree — the delicious fragrance drifting over me, the white petals lightly falling — in May! Now it is small green oranges occasionally thumping.
One thing I have had to complain of — shingles. Shingles — for six weeks. A cancer that doesn’t show and doesn’t hurt, I can readily put up with; it is easy enough to be sick as long as you feel well — but shingles!
People are heavenly good to me. Dear friends write to me, with outrageous praises. I am most unconcernedly willing to die when I get ready. I have no faintest belief in personal immortality — no interest in nor desire for it.
My life is in Humanity — and that goes on. My contentment is in God — and That goes on. The Social Consciousness, fully accepted, automatically eliminates both selfishness and pride. The one predominant duty is to find one’s work and do it, and I have striven mightily at that.
The religion, the philosophy, set up so early, have seen me through.
On August 17, 1935, Mrs. Gilman fulfilled her intention to end her life as her malady advanced. The letter, left by her, was a part of the text of this final chapter of her autobiography, beginning: “Human life consists in mutual service,” and ending “I have preferred chloroform to cancer.”
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rnon Blackwood
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William Morris
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(Forthcoming: 2015-2016)
Anthony Hope
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Charlotte Perkins Gilman
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Frank Norris
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Hall Caine
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One Thousand and One Nights
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Gilman died in Pasadena, California. Her body was cremated and the ashes given to her family or a friend.
Pasadena in 1945
Complete Works of Charlotte Perkins Gilman Page 276
