Love Me Madly

by Lidiya Foxglove

  They fed me a simple meal, while they drank coffee with a little whiskey. Jie stayed outside working on this and that until the sun went down; he even did some repairs on the roof. Rayner and Silvus told me about the woman they remembered me to be. They even had photographs of the last time. I was a girl from China and that was how they found Jie. Seeing the photographs, I was shocked into silence.

  I believed them. I didn’t understand why I believed them, because it was beyond anything I had ever imagined, and now I had no idea what my life even was. All I knew was that I was never going to marry Willa or return to Cincinnati to live, and a curious relief settled over me. I had been agonizing over this for months—years.

  My life was not my own now. I was a captive of these men who seemed drawn to me against their own will. They would not let me go. I knew it. I should have felt as terrified as if I had been thrown into a brutal prison…shouldn’t I? I could not possibly want this life.

  But I was a blur of fear and surrender and a prickling need. I wanted them to get it over with. I imagined that Rayner would suddenly snap and pin me down onto one of the beds, tear off my shirt and bite me and I would cry out from the pain and maybe I would be unable to keep from weeping.

  I should be very ashamed of myself.

  “Leave us,” Rayner finally said, when the mood in the room seemed too heavy with anticipation to ignore. “I’ll drink your blood. A man can still be a good thrall.”

  “Wait now,” Thom said. “I know the rules. I can’t drink his blood or kiss or fuck him none, but…I could ready him for you.”

  “How?”

  “Will you let me…” He whispered in Rayner’s ear.

  Rayner looked at the table, clearly wrestling with as much shame as I was. Or maybe even more.

  “You picked me to be in this clan,” Thom said. “You knew I was crazy. You might as well take advantage of it.”

  Rayner stood up and his presence seemed to completely dominate the room, as if he bewitched me and perhaps the other three as well for just one moment that stopped time. He seemed to say wordlessly that no matter what happened, he was the master of all of this. I wasn’t sure he even took much pleasure in it, but it was a fact nonetheless. Rayner looked like a man who was driven to the edge, like the rangy old man I met once who claimed to be looking for a treasure and said he’d spent twenty years on the quest.

  But I am the treasure, I realized with a fresh shock.

  He doesn’t want me like this. He doesn’t want a man. But he can’t let me go. Can’t turn away.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off him either, not until he finished sizing me up. “Go ahead, Thom,” he said. Then he walked up to me and put a hand on my shoulder. “If he hurts you, call for me.”

  He slipped out to the other room of the cabin. Silvus followed him. Thom was taking out a cigarette, jabbing it into his mouth. Jie was about to leave and Thom held one out for him. “C’mon, now,” he said. “It’s dark out. You’re not going back outside. You’ve already rebuilt the whole damn cabin.”

  Jie hesitated and then he took the cigarette and let Thom light both with one match. “I guess I’ll make sure he doesn’t have to scream.”

  Trying to fight or flee hardly crossed my mind. I knew I couldn’t. No, in fact, maybe I didn’t want to find out if I could. What if they did let me go? I could return to my boarding house room and the unwritten letter to Willa.

  Some part of me gave up without a fight at all.

  Thom smoked his cigarette leisurely. He kept an eye on me. I wished he would offer me one but I could tell he wouldn’t. Jie sat down on the table and propped his boots up on the seat of a chair, settling in for a show he didn’t seem sure he’d enjoy. Their silence was unnerving and added to my sense of anticipation. Thom finally opened a leather bag that was slung carelessly in the corner and took out a very slender rope and I couldn’t take my eyes off his lean body and tanned arms. He was taller than any of the men I worked with except Hiram himself, who was big all around. Thom was tall but graceful, his movements supple. His hands were calloused and a little knobby, his fingers playing with the rope for a minute. His eyes were so blue against his sun-worn skin and he was still young enough that a life lived outdoors made him beautiful and alive instead of haggard and leathery.

  I cut my eyes away and swallowed.

  Thoughts I had tried so hard to control that I hardly knew they were there were now spilling out of me as Thom walked over and brushed his hand across my jaw.

  “I bet your lady back home will be sorry to see you go,” he said. “But judging by the look in your eyes I’ll ease your mind. It wouldn’t have worked out.”

  I nodded, but I felt very guilty.

  Thom teased a hand down my arm and pulled it back behind the chair, looping the rope around me, but not too tight yet. Then he brought the other arm back so my wrists were looped together and criss-crossed the bindings around my sleeves until my arms were strained behind me, uncomfortable but not painful, and then he paused a moment, thinking about it, with two long pieces of rope in his hand.

  Then he looped the rope under the chair, over my thighs, and tied it behind my waist.

  He brushed off his hands and looked at Jie. “What do you think? If I had something softer I could get more creative. But it won’t do to chafe up his skin. Nice skin it is, too.”

  “Li Mei had the most beautiful skin,” Jie said.

  “From what you told me about Li Mei there were all sorts of things you wished you could show her and do with her that you could never do, so just think of Bertie here as Li Mei in more adaptable packaging. Or do you really just not like boys at all, even when you know their soul?”

  “Well…I didn’t say that,” Jie said. He took another cigarette. “What are you going to do to him?”

  “Rayner won’t let me do all the things I might do.” Thom flicked open the buttons of my shirt, and spread it open. One of my suspenders fell over my shoulder but it couldn’t go any farther with my arms bound. After a pause of admiration, he did the same to my trousers. I was already getting hard but that last little maneuver of his fingers made my cock throb.

  “You’re ready for something, huh?” Thom whispered in my ear, and then he gave the shaft a little tug.

  A groan escaped my lips and Thom stepped back again.

  “Do you like men more than women, Thom?” Jie asked. “You seem very comfortable.”

  “I guess I’ll find out,” Thom said. “I’m not really doing anything different. I don’t suppose it matters, really. Not to me, anyhow. Blood is blood, and flesh is…flesh. Now that I’ve died once, I’ll do what I like because I suppose if there’s a hell I’m already headed that way.”

  “I think we only know the half of it, anyway,” Jie said. “About right and wrong and heaven and hell and the gods…or else, I wouldn’t be standing here in a cabin in Texas around my sixtieth birthday looking at this boy and trying to find my Plum Blossom inside his eyes while thinking about how sweet he’s going to taste either way.”

  As they spoke, I felt them studying my helpless body, Thom with relish and Jie with more cautious curiosity. I was thinking of how much I wanted to feel Thom’s hands on my skin again. A part of me wanted to struggle for the person I had been. For Albert Doerr, the name I shared with my grandfather’s brother who had died young. For my mother and father who raised me, for my school days, for the savings I’d built to marry and the children I dreamed of bringing up.

  That side of me could not win the fight. Another part of me relished their eyes on me as I noticed their own strength and beauty, and I realized that I was a part of a hidden world. A magical world of seduction and forbidden passion that would never let a person go once he’d had a single taste. I wanted their eyes on me. I wanted their touch. I wanted to feel like their—what was it that Rayner called me?—thrall.

  “We aren’t the only ones hungry,” Thom whispered, and he dropped to his knees in front of me and stroked my thighs and then, another stro
ke of my stiff shaft. I was trembling, my skin burning hot. A bead of cum appeared on the tip and he gave it one long, luxurious lick.

  That was too much. I let out a long groan and Rayner burst back through the door.

  “He’s ready for you,” Thom said. “So have yourself a good time.”

  Chapter Six

  Alissa

  I stirred, briefly bewildered, sweaty and panting, as Rosie was gently shaking my shoulder.

  “Oh—“ I clutched my head as I reminded myself who and where I was. It took longer than it should, I think. “Oh god.”

  “You were moaning,” Rosie said. “Um…I’m honestly not sure if it was good or bad, but you were getting so sweaty and twitchy that I just couldn’t let you stay in that trance. I’ve never seen anyone go into such a trance either. But I guess I haven’t done too many past life regressions either.”

  I had shoved myself up and now my head was spinning.

  “Alissa? Here, drink some water.” She handed me a glass. “What did you see?”

  “I saw Bertie,” I panted. “I was Bertie.”

  “Ulf mentioned Bertie to me,” Rosie said. “He said he met you twice before. It must be a lot to take in. Was the memory bad?”

  I shook my head. “It was more…um…” That memory was so at odds with the person I had been raised to be, but I still felt Bertie’s emotions as if they were my own, which I guess they sort of were. I could feel everything Bertie must have felt and how different it was from my life now. Bertie’s parents took him to church and had certain expectations of him like any other boy would growing up before the Civil War, but he was also encouraged to think for himself and seize any opportunity that his young country offered him.

  “Oh…was it erotic?” Rosie asked, with a knowing smile. “I mean, that is hardly a surprise… Human men are horny enough but vampires are worse. Ulf says that it helps calm the blood lust. You certainly are pretty when you’re blushing. No wonder they’re crazy for you. Don’t feel bad about it. You’re in this world now, you know. You might as well enjoy everything it has to offer.”

  “I…I realize that,” I said. “Bertie seemed to know right away. He—I didn’t even fight. He wanted it. I don’t know how it could have been so easy for him.”

  “You liar,” Rosie said, with a smile. “You’re still thinking about it. I bet you know exactly how easy it was. It’s healthy to know what you want.”

  As if it was as easy as that.

  I still had my sisters to think of. I couldn’t just…surrender my whole life away. They would need me. I had to keep my eyes on my goal to save them from Father Joshua and give them a good life.

  Someone knocked on the door and Rosie opened it right away.

  “I was checking on you,” Silvus said. “It’s getting late.”

  “I can go to bed,” I said, suddenly very flustered.

  “Thank you for taking care of her, Rosie,” Silvus said.

  “My pleasure,” Rosie said. “I hope I was helpful.”

  As soon as he had me alone in the hall, Silvus pinned me against the wall with his hands and slid a finger up my chin. “Where were you?” he asked. “You didn’t just have dinner.”

  “I was in there talking to Rosie!”

  “Where were you?” he asked again, more softly.

  “Bertie…”

  “Bertie…” He shut his eyes. “Ah. Alissa—I don’t want you to go back there again.”

  My brow furrowed. “What do you mean? You don’t want me to remember my past? I’m glad I did. Now I think I have a better idea as to why you thought I would enjoy being chased around and kidnapped with Thom threatening to tie me up.”

  Silvus seemed like he couldn’t help but laugh. “I suppose you do have a point there. You did love Thom’s wicked streak from the first day, that time around. You have always had…some danger of your own. I expect it will come out soon enough.”

  “Why don’t you want me to remember? There’s something you don’t want me to know? Something worse than all the other things I’ve learned?”

  He put his hands around my face. “You’re mine tonight, pet. I’ve waited long enough.”

  “That’s not an answer.”

  “No,” he said. “It’s not. I shall make a wicked bargain with you. Give me all I crave and I will teach you a spell. Real spells and not the nonsense you heard in the Order. When you have learned enough, I’ll tell you what happened…”

  “Silvus! It must be something terrible! Please tell me now.”

  “Don’t you think I’ve told you before?” he said. “This time, I’m not going to do it until you’re ready. I will tell you this much…I taught you magic before, and it was too much, too fast. You tried to cast a spell without mastering control. It went very wrong. And I am the only one who knows, the only one who can show you that it was a mistake. You hate to speak of it. But in every life…you have tried to make up for that mistake, darling. If you believe in karma, this must be one of the burdens you bear, but we all have them. Please trust me. If this is your last incarnation, then either way, I will do what I can to set you free of it.”

  I hurt someone I loved…I see.

  I already had some idea of how unforgivable that felt.

  “All right. I’ll trust you. You’ll teach me magic?”

  “Of course. I want to teach you magic.” He led me into one of the many bedrooms and shut the door. “But first…pet…know that you will keep no secrets from me. I can smell how wet you are and I’ll bet I know what you dreamed of…” He pushed me into the room but then his arm was like iron as he caught me across the chest. “If you remember Bertie, you must have remembered how much you love to be teased and tormented and utterly dominated.”

  The desire that the memories provoked now rushed up in a column of flame that roared through me with a need that left me breathless. I wanted him. I wanted him and now I knew what it was to want someone completely.

  Silvus wrapped a hand around the neckline of my shirt and tore it in half.

  “My shirt—“

  “I can buy you a thousand shirts,” he said. “If needed… But I want you to know…you are not leaving this room until you have satisfied me. Not unless you want every vampire in this house to see you, which I would not advise. You will sleep in tomorrow because tonight—you will have no relief. I’m going to have you until you have nothing left to give.” As he spoke he tore off the rest of my clothes and tossed them in the fireplace, which he lit with a flick of his hand.

  I already knew Silvus was not going to be as gentle with me as Rayner. It was a strange contrast, the two men. Silvus was much more caring and concerned for my feelings by day. Rayner always seemed on the edge of losing control of himself. He could be very romantic at times, like when he took me to the ice rink and I had that first little memory of the human man he once was—but it never lasted long before I was reminded that Rayner was like a feral cat who had been slowly tamed. He might purr one moment but it would only take one little thing to return him to his animal state.

  Silvus was very controlled. I knew that, unlike Jie and Thom, he had not wanted to become a vampire. I think he had some sympathy for me. Some true understanding.

  He saves it all up, I thought. For moments like these.

  He looked at my curves like he wanted to devour me, and this scholarly man that Thom and Jie teasingly called ‘Mom’ was now a panther who would enjoy tearing me to bits.

  He gave the side of my face a slight nuzzle and cold hands ran down my breasts and curves and settled at my hips, holding me firm. The folds of my pussy were already swollen, dripping down my left thigh.

  He nipped my shoulder with his fangs. I stiffened and let out a little pleading cry of pain, but of course, it didn’t really hurt. His venom only stirred my need, barely pricking my skin. He seemed spurred on by my cry and sank his fangs deep enough to draw beads of blood. He sucked at my skin as he caressed me up and down my thighs and the swells of my breasts.

  “
More,” I pleaded. “More…”

  “The night is so young,” he said. “I want to have a glass of wine first.” He said it like a threat.

  Oh, but his threats sounded as delicious as any words ever spoken.

  He pushed me toward the bed. “Give me something nice to look at.”

  “What—what do you mean?”

  “You know what I mean. Satisfy yourself, pet.”

  I had to do it and now this feeling was so familiar from Bertie’s memory. The fear and shame mingling with a desire so compelling that it could not be ignored. My hand slid down my belly and I gave a tentative stroke to the thatch of hair there. It was quite short. When I became a woman my mother quietly gave me an electric trimmer and told me to keep the hair there short. She didn’t seem to like telling me this, but then, no one ever talked about sex or bodies in the Order. I didn’t even ask why but now I wondered if it was something Father Joshua wanted.

  The moment I started thinking of that horrible man, Silvus seemed to understand, He stopped pouring his wine and briefly broke the spell of command to plant the tenderest of kisses on my forehead and meet my eyes. You’re safe, darling. His expression spoke to me clearly. When I relaxed again, he reverted to wickedness and snapped his fingers.

  “Deeper,” he said. “Don’t be a tease.”

  My fingers slipped into the slick folds of my sex, plump and soft. Silvus made a small noise of satisfaction, spurring me on. I stroked a little faster, even though I wasn’t at all used to the way my own body felt to touch, and to take control seemed like even more of a sin than anything else.

  “You’ll have to go faster, I think,” he said. “I want to see you come.”

  “I’m sure I can’t do that!”

  “I’m very sure you can,” he said. “I’m sorry that you are at such a disadvantage, but I have seen you do it all before.”

  “Then you should let me remember it!”

  “I must admit that it’s fun this way,” he said. “Faster.”