Then, from the doorway, comes a shattering scream.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Lochan
Never in my life have I heard such a terrible sound. A scream of pure horror, of undiluted hatred and fury and rage. And it keeps coming, rising louder and louder, closer and closer, blocking out the sun, sucking out everything: the love, the warmth, the music, the joy. Tearing at the brilliant light all around us, slashing against our naked bodies, ripping the smile from our faces, the breath from our lungs.
Maya grabs hold of me in horror, arms wrapped around me, gripping me tight, face pressed against my chest, as if imploring her body to merge into mine. For a moment I cannot react, simply clutching her to me, intent only on protecting her, shielding her body with my own. Then I hear the sobs – the shrieking, hysterical sobs, the screeching accusations, the demented wails. I force my head up and see, framed in the open door, our mother.
As soon as her horrified eyes make contact with mine, she launches herself at us, grabbing me by the hair and yanking back my head with astonishing force. Her fists pound against me, her long nails cutting into my arms, my shoulders, my back. I don’t even try to push her off. My arms circle Maya’s head, my body presses down over hers, acting as a human shield between her and this madwoman, desperately trying to protect her from the attack.
Maya cries out in terror beneath me, trying to bury herself in the mattress, pulling me down against her with all her might. But then the shrieks begin to coalesce into words, perforating my frozen brain, and I hear: ‘Get off her! Get off her! You monster! You evil, twisted monster! Get off my baby! Get off! Get off! Get off!’
I will not move, will not let go of Maya even as I continue to be yanked by the hair and half dragged from the bed. Maya, suddenly realizing that the intruder is our mother, starts struggling to free herself from my grasp.
‘No! Mum! Leave him! Leave him! He didn’t do anything! What are you doing? You’re hurting him! Don’t hurt him! Don’t hurt him! Don’t hurt him!’
She is screaming at her now, sobbing in terror, pulling herself out from beneath me, trying to reach over and fight Mum off, but I won’t let them touch, won’t let the monster reach her. When I see a clawed hand descend towards Maya’s face, I swing my arm wildly, making contact with Mum’s shoulder. She staggers back and there is a thud, the sound of books tumbling from shelves, and she is gone, her wails echoing all the way down to the floor below.
I leap from the bed, hurl myself at the bedroom door and slam it shut, shooting the bolt across.
‘Quick!’ I yell at Maya, grabbing knickers and T-shirt from her clothes pile and tossing them over. ‘Put them on. She’ll come back with Dave or someone. The lock’s not strong enough—’
Maya is sitting in the middle of the bed, sheet clutched to her chest, hair wild and tangled, face white with shock and wet with tears.
‘She can’t do anything to us,’ she says desperately, her voice rising. ‘She can’t do anything, she can’t do anything!’
‘It’s all right, Maya. It’s all right, it’s all right. Just please put these on. She’s going to be back!’
I can only find my underwear – the rest of my stuff must be buried beneath the heap of fallen books.
Maya pulls on her clothes, leaps up and runs over to the open window. ‘We can climb out,’ she gasps. ‘We can jump—’
I yank her back, forcing her to sit down on the bed. ‘Listen to me. We can’t run away – they’d catch us anyway, and think, Maya, think! What about the others? We can’t just abandon them. We’re going to wait here, OK? No one’s going to hurt you, I promise. Mum’s just being hysterical. And she wasn’t trying to attack you, she was trying to rescue you. From me.’ I am fighting for breath.
‘I don’t care!’ Maya is shouting again, tears coursing down her cheeks. ‘Look what she did to you, Lochie! Your back is bleeding! I can’t believe she hurt you like that! She was pulling out your hair! She – she—’
‘Shh, sweetheart, shh . . .’ Turning to face her on the edge of the bed, I clasp the tops of her arms in an attempt to hold her still. ‘Maya, you’ve got to calm down. You’ve got to listen to me. No one’s going to hurt us, d’you understand? They just want to rescue you—’
‘From what?’ she sobs. ‘From who? They can’t take me away from you! They can’t, Lochie, they can’t!’
More yelling. We both freeze at the sound, this time coming from the street. I am the first to reach the window. Mum is pacing up and down in front of the house, shouting and screaming into her mobile phone.
‘You’ve got to come now!’ she’s sobbing. ‘Oh God, please hurry! He’s already punched me, and now he’s bolted himself in with her! When I went in, he tried to suffocate her! I think he’s going to kill her!’
Curious neighbours are popping their heads out of windows and doors, some already hurrying across the street towards her. I feel myself break out in a cold sweat and my legs threaten to give way.
‘She’s calling Dave,’ Maya shouts, trying to pull away as I drag her from the window. ‘He’s going to break the door down. He’s going to beat you up! I’ve got to go down and explain everything! I’ve got to tell them you haven’t done anything wrong!’
‘Don’t, Maya, don’t. You can’t! It won’t make any difference! You have to stay here and listen. I have to talk to you.’
Suddenly I know what I must do. I know that there is only one solution, only one way left to save Maya and the kids from harm. But she won’t listen, struggling and kicking her bare feet against my legs as I lock my arms around her to stop her from running to the door. I force her back down on the edge of the bed, pinning her against me.
‘Maya, you have to listen. I – I think I have a plan, but you’ve got to listen or it won’t work. Please, sweetheart. I’m begging you!’
Maya stops struggling. ‘OK, Lochie, OK,’ she whimpers. ‘Tell me, I’m listening. I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you want.’
Still gripping her, I stare at her terrified, wild-eyed face and breathe deeply in a frantic effort to organize my thoughts, calm myself, hold back the mounting tears that will only terrify her further. I tighten my grip on her wrists and prepare to grab her should she make a run for the door.
‘Mum isn’t calling Dave,’ I explain, my voice shaking hard. ‘She’s calling the police.’
Maya freezes, her blue eyes wide with shock. Tears hang on her lashes, the colour is gone from her face. The silence in the room is broken only by her frantic gasps.
‘It’s all right,’ I say firmly, struggling to keep my voice steady. ‘In fact it’s a good thing. The police will sort this out. They’ll calm Mum down. They’ll take me away for questioning, but it will only be—’
‘But it’s against the law.’ Maya’s voice is quiet with horror. ‘What just happened. We’ll be arrested because we’ve broken the law.’
I take another deep breath, my lungs cracking under the strain, my throat threatening to close up completely. If I break down, it’s all over. I’ll frighten her so much she’ll stop listening to me and will never agree to what I’m about to suggest. I have to convince her that this is the best way, the only way.
‘Maya, you’ve got to listen, we have to go through this fast, they could be here any minute.’ I stop to catch my breath again. Despite the terror in her eyes, she just nods, waiting for me to continue.
‘OK. First you’ve got to remember that being arrested does not mean going to prison. We won’t be going to prison because we’re only teenagers. But listen to me now: this is very, very important. If we both get arrested, we’ll be kept in for questioning. That could take a few days. Willa and Tiffin will come back to find us gone. Mum will probably be drunk, and even if she’s not, Social Services will be called in by the police and all three kids will be taken away because of what we’ve done. Just imagine Willa, imagine Tiffin, imagine how terrified they’ll be. Willa was worried—’ My voice quavers and I break off for a moment. ‘W-Willa was worri
ed about spending just one night away!’ Tears force their way into my eyes like knives. ‘D’you understand? D’you understand what will happen to them if we both get arrested?’
Maya shakes her head at me in silent horror, mute with shock, fresh tears filling her eyes.
‘There is a way,’ I carry on desperately. ‘There’s a way we can prevent all that. They won’t take them away if there’s one of us here to look after them and cover for Mum. D’you get it, Maya?’ My voice begins to rise. ‘One of us has to stay. It has to be you—’
‘No!’ Maya’s cry slices straight through my heart. I tighten my grip on her wrists as she begins to pull away. ‘No! No!’
‘Maya, if they’re taken away by Social Services, neither of us will ever see them again until they’re adults! They’ll be scarred for life! If you let me go, there’s a good chance I’ll be out in a few days.’ I stare at her, desperately hoping she trusts me enough to believe this lie.
‘You stay!’ Maya looks at me, her eyes imploring. ‘You stay and I’ll go! I’m not scared. Please, Lochie. Let’s do it that way!’
I shake my head in desperation. ‘It won’t work!’ I say frantically. ‘Remember that conversation we had a few weeks ago? No one will believe us if we say it was you who forced me. And if we tell them it was consensual, they’ll arrest us both! We have to do it like this. Don’t you understand? Think, Maya, think! You know there are no other options! If one of us is to stay behind, it has to be you!’
Maya’s whole body crumples forward as the reality hits her. She falls towards me but I cannot take her in my arms, not yet.
‘Please, Maya,’ I beg her. ‘Tell me you’ll do it. Tell me now, right now. Otherwise I’ll go crazy not knowing – not knowing whether you and the others are safe or not. I won’t be able to take it. You’ve got to do it. For me. For us. It’s our only chance to ever be together as a family again.’
She hangs her head, her beautiful amber hair hiding her face from view.
‘Maya—’ A frantic sound escapes me and I give her a shake. ‘Maya!’
She nods silently, without looking up.
‘You’ll do it?’ I ask.
‘I’ll do it,’ she whispers.
Several minutes pass and she doesn’t move. With shaky hands, I wipe the sweat from my face. Then, suddenly, Maya raises her head with a strangled sob and holds out her arms for comfort. I can’t do it. I simply can’t. With a sharp shake of the head, I move away from her, straining my ears for the sound of a siren. A low murmur of voices rises from beneath us – no doubt concerned neighbours, rushing in to comfort our mother. Denied the hug she so desperately needs, Maya seeks comfort instead from a pillow drawn up against her chest. Rocking back and forth, she appears to be in a state of complete shock.
‘There’s one more thing . . .’ I turn to her, realizing suddenly. ‘We – we have to get our stories straight. Otherwise they’ll hold me for longer and you’ll be pulled in repeatedly for questioning and things will get much worse—’
Maya closes her eyes as if to shut me out.
‘We haven’t got time to make anything up,’ I say, my voice catching on every word. ‘We’ll – we’ll just have to tell it exactly how it was. E-everything that happened, how it first started, how long it’s been . . . If our stories don’t match up they could arrest you too. So you’ve got to tell the truth, Maya, d’you understand? Everything – every detail they ask you for!’ I take a frantic breath. ‘The only thing we’re going to add is that – is that I forced you. I forced you into everything we did, Maya. D’you hear me?’
I’m losing control again, the words shaking like the air around me. ‘The first time we kissed, I said you had to go along with it, or – or I’d beat you. I swore that if you told anyone, I’d kill you. You were terrified. You really believed I was capable of it, and so from then on, every time I – I wanted you, you – you just did what I asked.’
She looks up at me in horror, silent tears spilling down her cheeks. ‘They’ll send you to prison!’
‘No.’ I shake my head, struggling to sound as convincing as possible. ‘You’ll simply say you don’t want to press charges. If there’s no accuser, there’ll be no court case. I’ll be out in a few days!’ I stare at her, silently imploring her to believe me.
She frowns and shakes her head slowly, as if desperately trying to comprehend. ‘But that doesn’t make sense . . .’
‘Trust me.’ I’m breathing too fast. ‘Most sexual abuse cases are never taken to court because the victims are too afraid or ashamed to press charges. So you’ll just say you don’t want to press charges, either . . . But, Maya’ – I reach out and grip her arm – ‘you must never, ever say this was consensual. You must never, ever admit to taking part in this freely. I forced you. Whatever they ask, whatever they say, I threatened you. D’you understand?’
A stunned nod.
Unconvinced, I grab her roughly by the arms. ‘I don’t believe you! Tell me what happened! What did I do to you?’
She looks up at me, bottom lip quivering, eyes glistening. ‘You raped me,’ she replies, and presses her hands to her mouth to muffle a scream.
We huddle together beneath the duvet one last time. She is curled in towards me, cheek resting against my chest, shaking in shock. I hold her tight, staring up at the ceiling, terrified I will start crying, terrified she will see just how afraid I am, terrified she will suddenly realize that even though she won’t press charges, there’s someone else who will.
‘I d-don’t understand,’ Maya gasps. ‘How could this happen? Why did Mum come back today of all days? How the hell did she get in without her key?’
I’m too stressed to even think about that, or care. The only thing that matters is that we’ve been caught. Reported to the police. I never really thought it could actually come to this.
‘It must have been a neighbour. We weren’t careful enough with the curtains.’ Maya shakes with a silent sob. ‘You’ve still got time. Lochie, I just don’t understand! Why won’t you run?’ Her voice rises in anguish.
Because then I won’t be around to tell my version of the story. The version I want the police to hear. The version that absolves you of all wrongdoing. If I run, they could arrest you instead. And if we both go, we expose ourselves as accomplices and it’s all over.
I say nothing, just hold her tighter in the hope that she will trust me.
The sound of the siren makes us both start. Maya jack-knifes from the bed and tries to leap for the door. I force her back and she starts to cry.
‘No, Lochie, no! Please! Let me go downstairs and explain. It looks so much worse like this!’
I need it to look worse. I need it to look as bad as it can. From now on I have to think like a rapist, act like a rapist. Prove I’ve been holding Maya against her will.
Sounds of slamming car doors rise from the street below. Mum’s hysterical voice starts up again.
The front door bangs. Heavy treads in the hallway. Maya screws up her eyes and clings to me, sobbing silently.
‘It’ll be all right,’ I whisper desperately in her ear. ‘This is just protocol. They’ll only arrest me so they can question me. When you tell them you don’t want to press charges, they’ll just let me go.’
I hold her tight, stroking her hair, hoping that one day she’ll understand, that one day she’ll forgive me for lying. Careful not to think, careful not to panic, careful not to waver. Loud voices from below, Mum’s mainly. The sound of multiple footsteps on the stairs.
‘Let go of me,’ I whisper urgently.
She doesn’t respond, still pressed up against me, her head buried against my shoulder, arms wound tightly around my neck.
‘Maya, let go of me, now!’ I try to unhook her arms. She won’t let go. She won’t let go!
The thuds against the door make us both start violently. The noise is followed by a sharp, authoritative voice: ‘This is the police. Open the door.’
I’m sorry, but I’ve just raped my sis
ter and am holding her here against her will. I cannot be so obliging.
They give me a warning. Then the first strike is heard. Maya lets out a terrified scream. She still won’t let go of me. It’s vital I turn her round so that when they get in, they find me grasping her with her back to me, arms pinned by her sides. Another crack. The wood around the bolt splinters. Just one more strike and they will be in.
I push Maya away from me with all my strength. I look into her eyes – her beautiful blue eyes – and feel the tears surge. ‘I love you,’ I whisper. ‘I’m so sorry!’ Then I raise my right hand and strike her hard across the face.
Her scream fills the room seconds before the lock breaks and the door crashes open. The doorway is suddenly crowded with dark uniforms and crackling radios. My arm circles Maya’s arms and waist, pinning her back against me. Beneath the hand clapped over her mouth, I feel a reassuring trickle of blood.
When they order me to let go of her and step away from the bed, I cannot move. I need to co-operate, but physically I can’t. I am frozen in fear. I am terrified that if I uncover Maya’s mouth, she will start to tell them the truth. I’m terrified that once they take Maya away, I will never see her again.
They ask me to put my hands up. I begin to loosen my grip on Maya. No, I’m screaming inside. Don’t leave me, don’t go! You are my love, my life! Without you, I am nothing, I have nothing. If I lose you, I lose everything. I raise my hands very slowly, fighting to keep them in the air, fighting against the overwhelming urge to take Maya back into my arms, kiss her one last time. A female officer cautiously approaches as if Maya were a wild animal, about to take flight, and coaxes her out of the bed. She lets out a small, muffled sob, but I hear her take a deep breath and hold it. Someone wraps a blanket around her. They are trying to usher her from the room.
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