by Kahlen Aymes
If I wanted him…
I knew that wasn’t how Ben meant the words. He’d been nothing but a gentleman, but my traitor mind and heart couldn’t help wishing.
If only it wasn’t so soon after Carter died. If only I wasn’t certain it was my fault. If only I could tell Ben the entire truth. I wanted to give in to my feelings, but were they real or was I just enamored with this beautiful, perfect man because he had treated me so well? I couldn’t ignore the contrast between the two men and the effect that might have on my emotions. Plus… would he blame me and see me as a killer? My stomach sank. I thought of myself as one, so why wouldn’t he?
I glanced in his direction and his eyes were closed, his arms crossed over his chest. It was only a few minutes ride until I’d have him back at the airport to get his car, but I decided to let him rest his eyes during the short drive.
The real truth was that I was scared and confused. If I thought Carter hurt me with his fists, what could Ben do to my heart?
I swallowed hard and licked my lips as I wrapped my head around it.
What if this strong, gentle man’s opinion of me changed? I couldn’t stand it. Ben could absolutely destroy my heart and leave it in shambles.
BEN
I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I knew I was headed in dangerous territory. I shook my head in disbelief at how much this woman affected me, and in such a short time.
The red taillights of Marin’s old blue truck were a hundred yards in front of me and as she turned off of the highway onto the gravel road that led the two or three miles to the ranch and ruins of the shop.
I was following her back to her ranch but had serious trepidation about leaving her there alone. There was a tightness in my chest and a knot in my gut at the thought alone. It was ridiculous to be feeling this way after knowing her for only a week, but there it was. Maybe it was because she seemed so fragile, maybe it was because she was alone, or maybe the psychopathic family her dead boyfriend left behind…maybe it was because I knew that she’d been abused. More likely, it was how beautiful and mesmerizing she was. My mind and heart were racing.
I’d felt bad for her boyfriend at first; lighting up like a roman candle as he did and the unspeakable suffering that he must have gone through, but if his relatives’ actions and Marin’s bruises were anything to judge the situation by, then maybe he’d gotten what he deserved.
One thing I did know, I wanted answers. These feelings eating away at my insides needed to know. I felt frustrated as fuck trying to be sensitive to her situation, when I didn’t understand why a woman, any woman, stayed with an abusive man.
Marin hadn’t admitted he was abusive, but I knew it as sure as I knew my own name. Why didn’t she want to talk about it or share her experiences? What if she was one of those battered women who still thought she was in love with the bastard doing the beating? Anger flared and my jaw tightened. Missy was like that at first, always making excuses for Derrick, until Dylan became the subject of some of the abuse. Then she woke up.
I sucked in a heavy breath and let it out, my fingers tightening on the steering wheel of the old Chevy truck as it lumbered down the dirt road, bouncing obnoxiously with every bump I had the misfortune to hit in the dark.
When she pulled into the driveway and stopped the truck in front of the house, I rolled to a stop behind her. The single light on top of a high pole that stood between the farmhouse and the barn cast a soft yellow glow across the yard, while the full moon shone in the inky black sky; the stars brilliance muted by the illumination of both.
I was already out of my truck when she opened the door to hers and slid the short distance from the seat until her feet touched the ground. I put my hand on the open door ready to close it for her and looked down into her eyes. They sparkled in the moonlight as she looked up at me, but she didn’t move. It was if the warm night air wrapped us up together and desire stirred as my eyes roamed over her face, then dropped to her luscious, moist mouth. It would be luscious… it could be nothing less. I wanted to find out more than anything… ever.
Marin’s skin, illuminated by the low light, glowed. I could see she was tired, but to me at least, she looked vulnerable and so incredibly beautiful. Her loose bun of blonde hair was messy from all day in the car and soft tendrils moved in the slight breeze. Instinctively, my hand raised to brush her hair back, but I realized what I was doing before my fingers touched her jaw, and I dropped my arm to my side.
“Marin, I…” I began.
“Thank you, Ben.” She reached out and lightly touched the front of my shirt. Her fingers burned me through the thin material caused the muscles there to contract. Her eyes expression soft and unknowingly alluring. I felt the ache that I’d been fighting all day begin anew and with increased fervor.
“Will you be okay?” I stood two feet from her, longing to lean in and kiss her sweet mouth. I could almost taste it and my body responded involuntarily, though I willed it to stop. I wanted to reach out and brush her hair back again, my fingers tingled with it. “I can stay,” I suggested softly, caught up in the moment, my gaze locked with hers.
“What?” she asked, stiffening a bit.
When I realized how she’d interpreted my words, I rushed to explain and took two steps back. “I didn’t mean like that. I’m worried about those goons showing up, and I’d just rather not leave you alone in the middle of the night.” It was true, but I knew I’d let the attraction I felt for her get the better of me and she could see it. I had to get it under control. At least for now.
“Oh,” she said, flustered. “I see. Um, sorry I didn’t mean to suggest—”
“Don’t worry about it. We’ve both had a long day, and we’re both exhausted. I’ll just look in on the horses and then I’ll get out of here.”
I was embarrassed at my own weakness and that Marin had immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was suggesting we have sex. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t aroused by her nearness, and her fragility screamed at the protector inside me, but if we ever made love it wouldn’t be because she was grateful or feeling needy. Something inside me suffered that she might think so little of me.
“No, Ben…” she called after me as I turned and headed in the direction of the barn. “I’m sorry!”
I turned back but didn’t close the distance; just stood drinking in the site of her. “I don’t know what happened to you, and maybe one day you’ll be able to tell me, but you can trust me. I’m not that guy. You don’t have to be afraid of me. I promise. I’d never take advantage of a vulnerable woman.”
“I know that,” she said softly, regretfully. “I’m just… cautious. I’m not used to someone being so unselfish and kind and wanting nothing in return. The last time I trusted someone it didn’t turn out well.”
A plethora of emotions ran through me. A flash of anger surged at the thought of anyone expecting sex from her… for any reason, and I was ashamed that I desired her myself. It should be the last thing on my mind considering her situation. It was difficult not to want her, but I’d be damned if I’d make her think less of me by acting on it.
“I was trying to be a good friend… and I feel protective of you. If something happened to you, I’d never forgive myself. I won’t lie, Marin… I feel a strong attraction between us, but I know you’re not ready for another man in your life. I was only offering to stay on the sofa; to be here in case you needed me.”
“Okay,” she answered. “Like I said, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. I’m just a little punchy after Carter dying and all of the stuff this weekend.”
“I understand.” I nodded starting again in the direction of the barn, hoping the hurt I felt wasn’t showing on my face or at least the shadows of light and dark were hiding it. It was insane that I was feeling so rejected when I should understand it was too soon. I did understand but knowing it didn’t soften the turmoil I was feeling.
Davis had left both entrances to the barn open, so the interior of the building was flooded w
ith moonlight. The horses were mostly silent, though a few snorted and one of them moved around, stomping the stall floor as I passed. I walked through, pausing by each stall and touching any nose that was within reach.
“I missed you babies. Were you good for Davis? Did he take good care of you?” Davis would have had to feed and water them three times in my absence and I went to the feed stall to check the supply of alfalfa. It looked like the right amount had been used.
Knowing Siri was Marin’s favorite mare and that she was due to foal in the next couple of weeks, I paid extra attention to her as was my habit over the past week.
“Hey, Siri… how is the pretty mommy?”
A soft whinny from the back of the stall was preceded by the horse moving forward to the stall door where I stood. She nudged my shoulder with her nose, and I leaned into her neck, rubbing her mane and behind her ears. She bobbed her large head a couple of times and neighed loudly causing some of the other horses to stir and offer answering calls.
I noticed her feed was as empty as the others, but she was walking around her stall, and nudging at the bin and empty oat bag still hanging on the wall next to it. Marin hadn’t said exactly when the mare would foal, but maybe the restlessness was a precursor. I decided to text Davis the next morning to see if he’d noticed anything amiss while we were gone.
Undoubtedly, Marin would already be in the house, but I needed to let her know how Siri was doing before I left.
I finished my check of the second half of the horses and satisfied all was well, except I added a bit of oats to Siri’s feed bin. I left the barn and moved passed the trucks toward the house. The lamp in the living room was on and I could see Marin making up the coach through the window. She smoothed down the sheet and then unfurled a red blanket. I’d have to talk to her about keeping the blinds drawn when she was home alone. I didn’t feel she was safe out here all alone. Sure, Jackson was relatively safe, but it was a small community, and it wouldn’t be long before it was well known she was out here without Carter.
I used the back of my knuckles to lightly knock on the screen door, then pulled it open and popped my head inside. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she answered, straightening up. “I decided you’re right. I would feel better having you here.” She hesitated for a second. “Unless you’ve changed your mind.”
I shook my head then pointed over my shoulder. “No, but maybe you want to take a look at Siri? She seems restless. I think she’s hungry or something. I wasn’t sure if it’s a sign of foaling?”
“Maybe,” she said, walking toward me and out onto the porch. “It’s probably nothing to worry about. I’ve seen a lot of mares eat more during the last days. Did she seem off, otherwise?”
“Just restless. Swishing her tail and walking, snorting a little, but maybe you still want to check on her.” I asked. “Just to be safe?”
Within a minute, we were at the barn entrance and just inside Marin began rooting around for something on the work bench. Turning, she produced a high beam flashlight and switched it on, pointing the light at the floor. “Let’s go.” She turned and headed down to the other end of the barn toward Siri’s stall.
“Hey, baby. I missed you, Siri.” she cooed, sliding one arm around the horse’s large neck to hug the animal and shone the flashlight into the stall and around the floor and walls, then the feed bin. “Yeah, she’s probably getting close. She’s due in a week, but it’s her first pregnancy so the vet said it could go long or short since the foal is so big. It’s kinda hard to tell.”
Marin continued to speak softly to the horse, her tone a little worried. “Back up, Siri,” she urged, opening the stall door and I followed her inside. There were four huge piles of manure on the floor and I made a mental note to clean out the stalls when the sun came up. She used the flashlight to look at the mare’s teats. The mammary glands were swollen with beads of a dark yellow substance at the end of each one. “She’s waxing,” Marin said.
“What’s that?” I asked, curious.
“It’s colostrum. She’ll foal soon.”
I felt happy that I would get to witness something so miraculous. At least, I hoped I would and found myself wishing I could take the next week off so I wouldn’t miss it. “How soon?”
“Not sure. Waxing is usually between twelve to thirty-six hours out, but since I’ve been gone about that long, I can’t say. Can you hold this, please?” She handed me the flashlight.
I took it without answering and watched as she ran a practiced hand over the mare’s flank and bulging stomach.
“Should we get her to lie down or something?”
Marin laughed shortly. “You can’t make a horse lie down. She will if she needs to.”
“What do we do, then?” I felt anxious, unsure what was coming.
“She doesn’t seem like she’s in pain and I haven’t felt any contractions. She’s not in labor but will be soon, probably by morning.”
“So, what do we do?” I asked again. Marin’s eyebrow shot up and she laughed again. “I’m sorry. I’m a moron about this.”
“Well, you can’t be perfect at everything,” she teased, moving to switch on the stall light. “I need to clean out this crap.”
I chuckled at her veiled compliment. “I was planning on cleaning all of the stalls tomorrow.”
“It can’t wait. She’s not in active labor yet, but if she foals tonight, I don’t want manure around when she’s birthing so I’ll have to keep checking every couple of hours. I should also put down some new hay for bedding. Can you grab a shovel? Not the one used for the oats; the big scoop near the door?”
“Okay.” I switched off the flashlight and took large, hurried steps to the opposite end of the barn. I set the light down on the bench where Marin took it from moments before and then found a big aluminum scoop with remnants of manure on it. Apparently, this was the correct shovel.
I hurried back and went into inside. Instead of handing it to Marin, I bent and scooped up one of the large piles. Marin was stroking the horse’s neck and cooing comforting words. I stood there with the full scoop not really knowing what to do with it. “I never thought I’d be wondering to do with a load of horse shit. I probably should have gotten something to put this in, huh?”
Marin burst out laughing. “It would be easier than carrying it out into the pasture to dump each one of those piles. Did you see the wheel barrel by where you found the shovel?”
“Yeah.” I answered, setting the full shovel down carefully on the floor along one wall so the contents wouldn’t fall out. “Be right back.”
Within the next five minutes I’d returned with the wheel barrel, scooped up all of the poop, removed it from the stall and emptied the wheel barrel in the pasture.
It wasn’t that exerting but the speed in which I’d rushed to do Marin’s bidding caused me to break out in a sweat. I wiped my face with the neck of my T-shirt.
I watched Marin move around the back of the horse and inspect what I could only assume was her vagina. The small woman disappeared behind the huge horse’s flank. “I think I read somewhere you shouldn’t get behind a horse or they might kick the crap out of you,” I murmured.
“That’s true, but I raised her from a baby. She’s used to me.”
“I’ll get some hay for new bedding while you do that.”
Soon, the stall was lined with clean hay and we were both on the outside of the closed stall door observing the horse. Marin was standing with her feet on the lower cross board of the stall door in order to see inside, her arms hanging over the edge while I stood behind her.
“It will be several hours until she goes into active labor, at least. Why don’t you go get some sleep on the couch? You must be tired from the drive.”
“I should be, but I’m not at all. I was before, but not now. Must be the excitement of all of this.”
Marin’s brows lifted as she looked at me with wry amusement. “It might be a while. I’m just going to stay for a bit to make sure she�
��s okay, then I’ll check on her in the morning.”
“I’d like to stay with you. If it’s okay.”
Marin was still standing on the first rung of the gate. In that position she was just a smidge shorter than me. She reached around and flipped the light switch and the stall was once again shrouded in darkness, lit only by the moon.
“She’ll settle down faster in the dark.”
“Will she lay down?” I grew up in the city and no previous knowledge of horses or other livestock.
“Horses can sleep standing up. If she starts having pains, she may lay down,” she said softly. Her voice held a pleasing, comforting quality that I found soothing.
“I wish I could do that,” I mused.
Marin’s head tilted to one side as she glanced up at me. “Ben, go lay down on the couch. I’ll be in shortly.”
I shook my head.
“Boy, are you stubborn. You drove for sixteen hours.”
She was pointing out the obvious. The truth was, I was dead tired, and my eyelids were getting heavy. “I don’t want to leave you out here alone.”
“What do you think will happen? I might get a mosquito bite?” She huffed out a laugh.
I leaned over the gate beside her; our shoulders were just a few inches apart. It was a warm, sultry night, but I could still feel the heat radiating between us. My lips turned up in a half smile. “Funny. No, those criminals could show up. Your uncle’s shop was well known and all they have to do is Google to find the address.”
“But the shop has a different address than the house.”
I ran a hand through my hair and sucked in a sigh, then let it out slowly. “Marin, you’re a young woman out here in the boonies alone. Do you think they can’t find your home address the same way?”
“Yeah, gotta love the Internet. The funeral was today, so I don’t think they’d follow yet.”
“Oh, great. So, tomorrow, then,” I reasoned with mock sarcasm. “That makes me feel so much better.”
“I have to call the insurance company to file a claim about the shop. There should be something in there for death or bodily injury. If there is, I’ll just give the money to Carter’s mother. Money seems to be what mattered to her… more than her son.”
