by Kahlen Aymes
Jensen was somewhat stunned for a minute. “Really?” he asked his face broke into a brilliant smile. “Are you serious?”
When Missy nodded, Jensen jumped up and pulled her into his arms and off the ground, holding on for dear life. Their happiness brought a tear to my eyes.
There was a chorus of congratulatory cheers and shouts from the rest of us. Teagan was smiling from ear to ear, and Chase bent to whisper something in her ear before she turned to kiss his lips, gently cupping his jaw.
“This is amazing!” Jensen said, finally setting her on her feet to hold her face with both hands and place a big kiss on her mouth. “How long?” He asked breathlessly.
Missy started to giggle. “Seven weeks. We have a long time to wait.”
Jensen laughed and lifted her in his arms again. “I’m so happy!”
“Ugh, more slobbering,” Dylan muttered.
“Yay! Now my baby sister will have someone to play with, too!” Remi said.
“I bet you and Dylan will love those babies a lot. You will play with them, too, I think.” I winked at Remi.
My heart was warmed by the love radiating among the group. The adults got up and went to congratulate the happy couple. Ben gave his sister a huge hug. “I’m happy for you guys.”
“I hope I get a brother,” Dylan spouted, still sitting down with his food.
“I don’t. I hope it’s a girl. Then she can be Jace’s damsel.” Remi’s tone was very matter of fact.
“Gross,” Dylan lamented. “Who said he wants one, Remi?”
“You better be quite Dylan Jeffers, or I won’t let you be my prince, anymore.”
It was an amusing exchange between the two kids.
“Good,” he answered, with a wry twist to his expression. “Who wants to be a dumb ole’ prince anyway?”
“You’ll be jealous when I’m some other prince’s damsel! It’s a good thing boys grow up, cuz boys are dumb!”
Dylan rolled his eyes. “Yeah? Well, girls are goofy!”
The adults all chuckled at the exchange, though Jensen stepped in. “That’s enough, kids.”
I laughed out loud at Remi’s boys are dumb narrative.
Remi went to sit on the end of Jensen and Missy’s log, so she was positioned between Jensen and Chase.
I watched her chatter away to them both when Ben’s phone vibrated in his back pocket and he took it out and glanced at the screen. Then shut it off and shoved it back inside. He looked to the west at the mountain range, so my eyes followed his. There was smoke billowing up from behind them, showing up in the remnants of the sunset, the sky a bit hazy.
“Ben, what is it?”
“It’s just… you know, it’s uh…” he continued to look at the mountains.
The others were happily chatting and eating their food, and many compliments came in but my concern for what Ben was thinking reduced them to the background.
“It’s a fire,” I guessed correctly.
“Yes. Davis texted earlier that they were going, but now it’s a lot more out of control. The wind has taken it wild. I have notifications on the police scanner. It’s bad.”
My stomach clenched. I knew in my heart he wanted to go help. “Ben, they haven’t called you in so can’t you just enjoy the evening with us? You haven’t even had dinner and you’ve been drinking.”
I was suddenly terrified. I could see the stress in his expression, but he nodded and picked up his fork again. I noticed how tense he was. He set his beer down and reached for a water bottle and downed almost all of the contents in one pull. It was a tell.
I inhaled deeply. He was preparing to join the fight. Suddenly the delicious meal I’d prepared tasted like dust in my mouth. I leaned my shoulder against his and lowered my voice so only he could hear me. “I know what you’re thinking, but please don’t go.” I was being selfish but after the nightmares, I didn’t care.
His brow furrowed as I implored him. I reached out and wrapped my hand around the inside of his elbow and squeezed. “Please. They haven’t called you, so it isn’t that bad, is it?”
“It’s bad enough to turn the night sky orange, Marin. There are a couple of towns over there. The longer it burns without containing it, the worse it gets.”
I sighed and though I understood, I was still scared to death. I could see he was shutting down emotionally. “Your family is here, and we promised to sing campfire songs.” I felt the panic rise up and knew it showed in my voice as I gripped his forearm tightly. “The kids have been looking forward to sharing the evening with Chase and Jensen all day.”
Ben glanced around the fire to view the scene of all three kids staying close to the two men and Dylan educating Jensen on how to load marshmallows on one of the new sticks Ben had sharpened for this evening’s event.
Remi was excitedly retelling about this morning when Dark had basically laid on my lap. She was laughing and Chase was playing along. It was clear that this was a close family.
Ben’s jaw was tight as he poked at the chunks of vegetables and hamburger on his plate. “I know, but this is what I do. The rest of you can sing songs and camp out.”
I glanced around uneasily, hoping that no one would notice the tension between us, but Missy’s eyes were on us. I swallowed hard against the emotion building in my throat. I needed to take a break from the group before I started crying in front of everyone.
“Ben, you’re injured. You have this week off.”
“I know,” he sighed. “My side is healed enough. I should go before it gets worse.” The concern in his words and his face was clear.
“If your crew is already gone, how will you get out there?”
“I’ll have to drive or meet up with another crew that’s called. I don’t know.” He was getting more and more agitated the more I kept begging, so I decided to stop.
“I’m going to run into the house for a minute,” I murmured, releasing my hold on his arm. “I’ll be right back.”
“Marin,” Ben began, putting a hand on my shoulder to stop me.
“I just have to use the bathroom.” I stood, knowing I was going to break out crying and didn’t want the others to know. I effectively broke the close contact between us as I hurried to get away. I felt like an iron curtain had slammed down between us. It was as if he didn’t care how I felt and I knew he would end up going despite what I wanted.
Was this how my entire life would be if we stayed together? Worrying constantly, day and night? As I hurried toward the house, I felt as if there was a gaping hole in my chest that grew with every step away from Ben. How would I get through the rest of this weekend?
Gemmy followed at my heels and up the stairs onto the porch. I was out of sight of the people around the fire, so I bent to pick up the sweet little dog and held her close. I buried my face in her soft fur as a small sob broke from my chest. I gasped and rushed through the door into the house and straight to the couch where I dropped down and continued to cry. I would allow myself just a few minutes of sorrow because I couldn’t help it, and because maybe it would give me the release that I needed to suck it up for the rest of the evening. Gemmy looked at me helplessly, then began to lap at the tears on my cheek. I held her tighter and turned my face into her as tears continued to roll down my face.
“Marin?”
Missy’s voice snapped my eyes open and lifted my head away from Gem’s soft neck. I set Gem down on my lap and quickly wiped at my eyes with one hand. I sniffed.
There was no way I’d be able to hide that I’d been crying.
“Are you okay?” Missy stepped into the living room and sat down on the sofa next to me.
“I don’t think so.” I couldn’t control the tremor in my voice and my face crumpled. I closed my eyes and a new wave of tears squeezed out. “There’s a fire and I know Ben will end up going.”
“I saw the sky and I wondered about it. He keeps checking his phone. But…” Missy’s tone was perplexed. “It’s his job. We’ll understand if he has to go.”
I nodded. “You’re right.” How could I explain my terror without making Ben’s sister think I was psychotic? “It’s just I’m afraid for him.” Gem had jumped down from my lap and curled up on top of the dog bed I placed for her near the fireplace, her soulful eyes watching me. I curled my arms and hands to my chest and looked away from Missy, hoping to hide my apprehension.
Recognition dawned on Ben’s sister’s face. “Oh, Marin! I am so insensitive. I should have realized.” Her arm snaked around my shoulders as she scooted closer. “Ben is a professional. He’s never been hurt, not even once,” she reassured.
I nodded, but a shiver ran through me. “My uncle used to say there is a first time for everything.”
Missy hugged me tighter. “He sounds like a character.” It was clear she was trying to comfort me. “But can I just put it in perspective? I know it sounds like I’m making light of it, but any of us could die at any moment. No one knows how long we have. We can’t shut out people we love because we’re afraid of losing them. Then you miss out on love.”
What she said was true, but she wasn’t aware of my nightmares. I’d seen Carter die, and my mind had seen Ben die in the same way. I felt so weak and immature but there was nothing I could do to quell my fear.
“Jensen gets on a plane every week, I fly twice a month minimum, and Chase plays soccer all over the world. Do you think either Teagan or I could stand it if we let it eat us alive?”
The logical part of my mind knew she was right. But heading into an inferno seemed so much more dangerous than getting on a plane. A building fire was one thing, but a forest fire was like a box of matches waiting to strike around him. “I know you’re right. Ben thinks I doubt him, but that’s not it.”
“I know you’re just worried. I can see how much he means to you. I’ll try to talk him out of going, but if he does, we’re all here to keep you company and the time will fly by and he’ll be back safe and sound, you’ll see.”
“Okay,” I nodded. Missy patted my hand and stood up. “Come on. The kids will be missing us.”
“Congratulations on your baby, Missy. Ben told me you’ve been trying.” I hugged her.
She nodded. “Yes. I was afraid we weren’t going to get pregnant. I’m so happy.”
“Well, Jensen is over the moon. I’m so happy for you.”
She thanked me with a genuine smile and then left the house to return to the campfire.
I followed suit but first went into the bathroom to wash my face. I didn’t want it to look all pinched and red. I wanted to support Ben, but as I stood there staring at my own reflection, I silently prayed he would stay at the ranch and that fire would be contained without him.
When I approached the small group, Remi and Dylan both ran forward to hug me around the waist at once. “Are you okay, Auntie Marin?” Remi asked.
I nodded, hugging them both close, each in one of my arms. “Yes. How can I be anything but fine with hugs from the two of you?”
“Look! I made you a s’more!” Dylan said, releasing me and proudly producing a paper plate with the confection in the middle of it. “I roasted the marshmallow just right! I didn’t even burn it.”
“That’s great! Thank you! What would I do without the two of you?” The enthusiasm I injected into my tone was meant to ease their concern as I took the plate from Dylan and touched the top of his head, before glancing in Ben’s direction.
His expression was worried, but he stood up and took the plate from me, then slid one arm around me and led me back to our log. “Come on, let’s enjoy the rest of the evening.”
When we sat down on the log once more, Ben handed me the plate, but kept an arm around me, pulling me close so that our hips and thighs were touching.
We shared my dessert while Ben and Jensen asked Chase about the game he’d won earlier in the day against Peru. I was comforted by the camaraderie the three of them had, though it wasn’t long before Remi and Dylan were pressing us about singing cowboy songs. Though Ben tried to be engaged, he was quiet and preoccupied, continually watching the skyline to the west.
Teagan took the opportunity to take young Jace into the house before the singing started.
“Come on kids, let’s all go in and get our PJ’s on,” Missy said, rounding up Remi and Dylan to herd them into the house behind Teagan, who was carrying the sleepy toddler.
I began picking up the paper plates and tossed the recycling into the plastic bag I’d brought outside, then threw the paper products into the fire. I sat down to one side of the men to watch it burn. I stared at it so hard it blurred.
Ben was talking to Chase and Jensen, but his phone began to ring. My heart seized. It wasn’t a text, so I knew in my gut they were calling him in. He stood up and walked a few feet away and turned his back to the rest of us.
Chase and Jensen were both watching and murmuring quiet words to each other.
I was straining to hear what Ben was saying into the phone but all I could get was a muffled; “Yeah, okay. Got it. I’ll head in.”
My heart fell to my stomach and tears stung the back of eyes. I jumped up and rushed to him just as he was shoving his phone back into the back pocket of his jeans.
His hands came up to slide down my arms and his blue eyes begged for my understanding. He was calm, almost eerily so. “I have to go. The fire is getting close to Alta and they’ve evacuated the town. Davis’s team has lost contact, Marin.”
I sucked in a deep breath as tears filled my eyes and I shook my head. “Please don’t go. You know the bad dreams I’ve been having? I relive the fire when Carter died, but then he morphs into you. Oh, God, I couldn’t survive if you died, Ben! It was you.” My chest began to heave in quiet sobs. “Please, don’t go.”
My hands both lifted to clutch around his forearms as he was holding my upper arms, but he pulled me hard against his chest, and pressed his lips to my temple. I only cried harder.
“I am not Carter, Marin. I swear, I’ll come back. Davis is my best friend and he’s lost in there with several others. You met them at the bar. One of the water tankers is coming into base to refill, and I’m going out with it to meet up with my crew. I gotta go.”
He pushed me back to look into my face. I shook my head, his image blurring from the tears in my eyes.
Ben bent to place a long, deep kiss on my mouth. “I love you. I’m coming back to you. I promise.”
“Ben, don’t go!” I shook my head again as he backed away. I was desperate to stop him. “I can’t take this my entire life. I can’t watch you go into fire after fire!”
He stopped, his face getting harder. “I’m happy that you’re thinking about us long-term, Marin, but this is what I do. You knew that from day one. If you can’t accept it, then I guess you can’t, and it means that you don’t trust me. You have to let go of the past, and stop being afraid of something that hasn’t happened!” Ben was adamant.
I fell to my knees crying, uncaring that the two other men were looking on helplessly, concern clearly etched on both of their faces. “You can’t control everything! You don’t know what could happen, but you put yourself at risk every time you walk into an inferno.”
“You’re right, I don’t know what might happen, but neither do you! I can’t sit here and do nothing, Marin!” Ben glanced at the Jensen and Chase. “My boys are in there and what kind of man would I be if I didn’t do what I could to find them?”
“Ben, please!” I begged again.
He stood tall and defiant in front of me. He was proud and strong. I understood why he felt he needed to go, but my heart was exploding inside my chest and I couldn’t breathe.
“I understand that my job is dangerous. I get it, but I’ve been doing it for eight years. I’m damn good at it, and I don’t take unnecessary risks. You can’t put me in a cage. This is who I am. If you want to throw away everything we’re building, it sucks, but I can’t stop you. Take care of her,” he said, nodding at Jensen and Chase.
Chase nodded. “We wil
l man. You go. I’d come with you to help if you’d let me.”
“Sorry, brother,” Ben shook his head. “Years of training and all.”
“I know. I just wish I could do something.”
“You can,” Ben said, nodding in my direction. His eyes were pained as he looked at me.
Soon Jensen’s arms were around me, lifting me up as I cried. He pressed me into his chest and held the back of my head. “Ben will come back. Marin. We just have to pray and have faith in him.”
It all felt surreal. I hoped this was just another of my nightmares, but Jensen’s strong arms around me belied that wish. I heard Ben’s truck roar to life and lumber down the lane as I melted into a torrent of tears.
MARIN
It had been twenty-four hours since Ben had gone to help fight the wildfire. Somehow, I’d managed to stop the tears around the little ones, but only barely. I was a basket case.
Chase and Jensen were camping out with Remi and Dylan tonight because the struggle to put up a good front was wearing thin. I wasn’t strong enough to keep it up, and so decided to try to sleep in my room, away from the others.
Teagan had put Jace down in the bedroom they shared, but she and Missy were both sitting with me in the living room. I felt awful. Missy had shared some wonderful news last night and then I had a meltdown afterward, completely overshadowing it. She should have spent the night in the tent with Jensen and doing whatever a couple who just found out they were going to be parents do, but she and Teagan never left my side. Even still.
I sucked in a deep breath and wrapped my hands around the white ceramic mug of hot chamomile tea that Teagan had made for me. She’d brought it with her, and I had to admit, it did have a relaxing effect on me.
We were all sitting in the living room and had switched on the television so we could watch the ten o’clock local news.
The fire was still the headline story, and the aerial pictures showed the raging flames stretching north to south on the western range and licking its way around the small town of Alta, though they managed to keep it from the town. There were airplanes dumping loads of fire retardant in front of the flame wall.
