The expression on his face didn’t change, but he shrugged. “All right.”
Still, she hesitated to move. “I should add that if the thought of having this conversation raises your blood pressure, then I withdraw my condition.”
Holden drew a deep breath and removed his gaze from her. Instead, he seemed to be staring across the valley. “This conversation doesn’t make the elephants dance the rumba on my chest.” He slanted her a look. “If you can toss in car metaphors, I can use elephants.” He placed his palm on his chest and pressed down.
Chest pain?
Concerned, she climbed onto the boulder and sat at arm’s length. “As your doctor, you need to tell me when those elephants start to dance. Or if they start urging you to self-harm.”
A blue jay swooped past, cawing just as Holden scoffed. He wouldn’t tease about her comments if he needed medical attention.
So, this was it. After weeks of waiting. The truth. Bernadette squared her shoulders. “I’m ready for the details of you dumping me.”
“I’m not going to rehash the downward spiral that my life took this year.” His defensive tone indicated he might not tell her anything.
“I know about your family dynamics and employment, or the current lack thereof.” The family firing. His battle with his cousins to sell Second Chance.
“Nicely worded.” With a gentle touch to her cheek, Holden turned her face toward him, releasing her when her gaze connected with his hooded one. “About a month ago, a large chunk of my personal investments crashed and burned, leaving me with very little liquidity.”
Bernadette took a moment to process his slowly spoken statement because Holden was good at hiding things between the lines. “Are you saying you’re destitute? Because if that’s the case, you should return that motor home right away.” It even smelled expensive. And if he wasn’t liquid... “I’ll reimburse you for lunch and my souvenirs.” It had been petty for her to make him pay earlier.
“I’m talking about liquidity,” he said stiffly as if it should be an oft-used word in her vocabulary. “Cash. I’m not completely broke, although most of my personal investments are gone. I can sell my apartment in the city and start over. I’ll get a job eventually or start a company of my own doing...something. But the loss is public knowledge and add to that my firing, and...my reputation in financial circles in New York is tarnished.” He ran a hand through the gray at his temple.
“Oh, Holden.” To a man like him, pride was everything.
His features drew into a grimace. “I assumed that I was the chosen Monroe, the one who’d oversee all the corporations and ventures. I wagered, assuming that I could make those monies back—and more—once I stepped into that corner office and called it mine.” He paused, as if waiting for her to pass judgment.
It wasn’t Bernadette’s place to chastise him. And so she tried to float a joke. “I guess it wasn’t a good year for pork bellies.”
“Stock-market humor.” The corner of his mouth twitched upward. “I like it.”
“When the bottom dropped out of your investments...” Bernadette didn’t care that she stared at his handsome face unabashedly, at strong cheekbones and slashing dark brows “...is that when you started being unable to sleep? And found it hard to concentrate?”
“Yes.” He nodded, but slowly, the way someone does when pieces of a puzzle finally fit into place.
“Was this before or after I dropped the L word?” He’d come to Boise unexpectedly and asked her to meet him at the most expensive hotel downtown. She’d driven over two hours to see him.
“Days before.”
“My declaration of love wasn’t a comfort to you, then,” she said half under her breath. In fact, she might have added to his stress. How deflating.
“You’ve always made me feel cherished...” Holden swallowed thickly. “But I told you from the start that I’m not in a good space to have a relationship. And things only got worse as the year wore on.”
She tsked. “As a doctor, I understand how anxiety—”
“I do not suffer from anxiety.”
“—can hold words that need to be said in your throat and wrap you in a straitjacket of immobility.” No sense pulling punches. “It’s your brain telling you that you need to reset after a prolonged period of stress.”
“I’ve been doing exactly that.” He jerked sideways, frowning at her. “This has been a year of unwanted self-reflection.”
“Has it?” She held his stare with a steady one of her own. “What have you learned? Enlighten me.”
“That I’m a Wall Street cliché. That my son has grown up in a blink while I was trying to prove how brilliant I was instead of fostering a strong father–son relationship. But it turns out my career efforts were all in vain.”
“Vain. Good word choice,” Bernadette murmured, unable to let that dig slip by.
Holden continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “I’ve learned that my priorities have been out of whack, and given Devin’s studious nature, this might be my last chance to make things right with him.” His jaw tensed. “And you.”
She resisted the urge to massage one of his tense shoulders and to tell him he could take all the time he needed to make things right with her. Instead, she focused on playing the role of doctor. “That seems more like self-reflection. It’s probably more important that you relax.”
Holden frowned. “I’m on this trip, aren’t I?”
Bernadette scoffed. “The trip where you’re determined to make magical moments with your son? The one you’re so regimented about with scheduled tours and such? How is that relaxing?”
“What would you have me do? Check into a spa while my assistant is packing my New York apartment and staging it for sale? I have this week with Devin, this day with you, and then things have to happen careerwise.”
“Oh, to have champagne problems.” Bernadette pressed the back of her hand dramatically against her forehead. And then she was back to lecturing. “Seriously, Holden. You need to sit in the sun and slow down. Play solitaire. Read a book.”
“I can barely focus long enough to read a newspaper, much less a book.” His shoulders were still hunched. He probably didn’t even know it.
“Are you listening to yourself? Racing thoughts. Inability to concentrate. Elephants dancing on your chest. You aren’t addressing whatever’s at the core of your anxiety.”
He tilted his head back, closing his eyes. “Please don’t use that word.”
“It’s a medical term,” she chided gently. “Our bodies react to threats physiologically. But threats to human beings are no longer contained to being stalked by a wild animal hunting for food.”
“Vivid description.” Oh, the sarcasm.
“Let me paint you another picture,” she said, increasingly treating him like an obstinate patient. “You can be a cubicle dweller and feel threatened when your boss criticizes your work harshly or a coworker publicly puts down your presentation. That’s when your brain registers threats and tells your body to go on red alert. In other words, your brain tells you to be anxious.” Hence the anxiety label. “You might feel your heart pound or receive an adrenaline rush, but what then? We’ve become so civilized that we don’t complete the cycle of threat and safety. After the threat is processed, we contain all that stress behind a strong front, a dam of sorts that holds back war cries, tears or the limb-shaking reaction of shock. Nowadays, human beings keep everything in until the body says, No more. And then the dam breaks, and you experience a total reboot, like the one you had last weekend.”
Bernadette inched closer to him, cradling Holden’s face in both hands, which was not part of her doctor–patient regime, but this man needed more than a doctor. “Let me lighten one of your burdens, Holden, because even though you didn’t return my feelings for you, I care about you. I care enough to tell you that I don’t need your money. And my b
aby doesn’t need your money.”
“Our baby,” he murmured. There was worry in his gaze, worry she didn’t understand until he said, “Will our baby carry my name?” He heaved a weighty sigh, as if his next words were a burden. “I want it to. Marry me, Bernadette.”
She fell back, hands dropping, scraping her knees despite the thick denim. “No.”
CHAPTER SIX
“NO?” THE LAST woman Holden had asked to marry him had fallen into his arms and cried tears of joy. “We’re having a baby together. Of course we’ll have to get married.”
“Don’t you think that’s old-fashioned?” Bernadette inched farther away from him. “It’s more convenient for the baby to have my last name, especially since we’re not going to be raising the baby together.”
“Who says?” He squeezed one of her hands. “When it comes to children, I’m surprisingly old-fashioned. Our child will go by the Monroe name. And a few months after the baby comes, we can legally go our separate ways. I’ll give you child support and alimony. I’m sure I’ll have a job by then. And we’ll arrange for visitation.” Four times a year, the same as he’d done with Devin. He could make those four visits count better than he had the first time around.
Marriage. It was the answer to the question of what to do about Bernadette and the baby. The thought had been drifting in his befuddled brain over the past few days and had suddenly crystallized, clear as day. The dam she’d used as a metaphor had burst, and he was confident about next steps.
“You love me,” he said, getting a little thrill from the words despite him not being entirely sure what love was. He’d been wrong about it when he married Devin’s mom, after all. “Marriage makes all the sense in the world.”
Bernadette gasped, staring at him. And then she started laughing. Her laughter echoed across the valley, seemingly all the way back to Shane in Second Chance.
The elephants stomped so hard on Holden’s chest that his spine pressed painfully against the rock.
Bernadette stopped laughing. “This conversation is upsetting you.” Dr. Carlisle was in the house and using a tone so stern it stung. “Take a deep breath, Holden, and look out over all the natural beauty around you.”
Stomp-stomp.
“I will, Bea, just as soon as you agree to my terms—marriage, last name Monroe, child support, alimony, visitation.”
“Hush, now.” She pressed two fingers against his wrist as if taking his pulse.
“Bernadette...”
“I’m your doctor, Holden, not your employee.”
She’s my baby mama. And she’s hot.
If the elephants would just settle down, he could lean over to kiss her. He was good at kissing her senseless. And afterward, she’d agree to be his wife.
Bernadette pursed her lips, shifting away from him. “I don’t have to do what you say, Holden, including marrying you. Now, if you don’t take a few slow, deep breaths, I’m going to use this single bar to try to call emergency services.”
He did as she asked, but not without muttering in between breaths, “I am not in need of a hospital.”
But it would be nice to have his doctor enfold him in her arms and accept his proposal of marriage.
“I should have responded when you told me you loved me,” he admitted. It was time to eat crow.
“You did respond. By saying nothing.” Bernadette settled back on the boulder, putting a little space between them. “You need to quiet your mind. I want you to stare at the blue sky and think of one thing and only one thing, breathing deeply while I silently count to ten.”
“Yes, Doctor.” He stared at the sky, which was the blue of her eyes. He felt warmth seep from her shoulder into his. He just knew the flowery scent filling his nostrils was from the shampoo she used on her hair.
The elephants slowed their pace.
“Why is it that you make me feel settled?” he asked.
“I’m thinking it’s because I was settled when I met you. And you only made it to five.” She laughed, the sound echoing through the mountains. When she’d gotten that out of her system, she said, “I’ve always imagined the women you normally date are just babes in the woods, still searching for their place in it. I’m ancient by contrast.”
“You’re not ancient, Bea. And I don’t rob the cradle.” He scowled at her. “Why won’t you marry me and make this baby legally mine? Think of poor Devin and the example we’re setting.”
“Stop tossing around shoddy marriage proposals.” She laughed again, which sent the elephants stampeding.
Holden wanted to kiss her laughter away. Or...not away so much as he wanted to absorb her laughter because he suspected it might give his elephants wings.
He risked a glance at her face. Bernadette was smiling at him like she did when she expected a kiss.
Breathing became more of a struggle. Not kissing her became more of a struggle. It was a struggle just to tease her. “Are you worried I’m looking for a free ride in this marriage? That’ll you’ll be my sugar mama?”
She shook her head slowly, gaze dropping to his lips once more.
The blue sky, the fresh air, the spectacular view... It was romantic. He should kiss her objections away.
“You don’t want to marry me, Holden,” Bernadette said softly. “Or if you do, it’s for all the wrong reasons.”
He wanted to refute her. But there were the elephants and the view and her soft blue eyes. Words raced around his head in snatches too hard to grasp.
“If you’re worried about people assuming you didn’t want to step up for my baby, don’t worry.” She patted his arm. “I’ll tell them I turned you down when you asked me to marry you.”
Pride almost choked him. He didn’t want everyone to know she’d rejected him, just like he didn’t want everyone to know he’d gone to the hospital for a good old-fashioned breakdown.
Holden dragged his gaze away from her to stare at the clear blue sky. “Do you hear that? It sounds like a tow truck.”
“I don’t hear a thing.”
“You want to argue and be stuck here overnight?” Holden nudged her. “With Myrna and bats?”
She nudged him back. “Coward. You need to face those demons.”
“I’m no coward.” He bristled. “A coward doesn’t propose to the woman who’s having his baby.”
It took a little more prodding, but she got up.
He started down the trail first. If she stumbled, he could catch her. “Why do you think I asked you to marry me?”
“Are you still dwelling on that?”
“Obviously.”
“I’m turning you down for your own good. Clearly, you have a strong sense of duty. It’d be a different story if you loved me.”
“I love you, Bea,” he said automatically and without feeling. He turned to face her. “Marry me.”
Bernadette gaped at him. And then she shook her head. “For a finance guy, you’re missing the obvious. Idaho is a community-property state.”
He smiled at her tenderly, reaching out to brush a strand of silky blond hair behind her ear. “We can draw up a prenup.”
She pushed his hand away, anger flashing in her blue eyes, amplified by those thick glasses of hers. “When I marry someone, Holden, there will be no fallback plan. No prenup. I’m going to marry a man on the promise of forever.”
“You’re a romantic. I get that.” And he was stalling. There was a work-around here somewhere, an opportunity to negotiate. He just couldn’t see it yet. “You still love me.”
“Of course I still love you.” She rolled her eyes.
He grinned.
“Stop that.” Bernadette ran her fingers over his lips as if to zip them shut, which only made him grin harder. “The baby and I need emotional distance from you.”
All inclination to smile evaporated. “Bea, I would never hurt you—�
�
“Enough.” She stomped that booted foot a little. “You hurt me by dropping off the face of the earth when I needed you. I should have heeded your warnings. I’m going to heed them now. Don’t ask me again to marry you.” She stared at him fiercely, waiting for him to agree to abide by her rules.
As a dealmaker, Holden couldn’t do that. But he admired her strength. “I can’t promise I won’t ask again.”
She paused, adjusting her glasses to give him her version of the stink eye. “Love is selfless, Holden. It finds joy in giving love. It expects nothing in return. That’s what I want. The joy of just being with someone who feels the same way about me.”
“It sounds like a bad investment.”
Bernadette narrowed her eyes. And then she moved around him.
“That was a joke.” She used to appreciate them.
“Your timing is off.”
“Agreed.” But, presumably, her love could make him whole again. “I could still make you happy.” The way being with her made him.
Yes. She makes me happy.
But that meant...
He slowed, staring at her rapidly retreating form.
We bring each other joy.
He stopped, needing his feet firmly on the ground. He lived in a city with one of the highest divorce rates in the nation. His grandfather had been married four times. His own marriage had barely lasted through Devin’s birth. Love wasn’t an equation in the sense that investments and mergers were. There was no guaranteed return.
And yet, Bea makes me happy.
She disappeared from view on a switchback, spurring him into motion.
She also frustrates me to no end.
He set thoughts of love aside, choosing to focus on what lay ahead—a custody agreement that might or might not involve a marriage certificate. Now that he knew Bernadette’s objections, he could begin the negotiation process. He’d pulled off deals with parties that had opposite goals before. And he’d sealed contracts despite one or more parties stepping away from the bargaining table. He just needed time to make Bernadette see that marriage with an end date was the best option for their child long-term.
Caught by the Cowboy Dad Page 7
