September 14
A radio signal may be sent out on one frequency, but the radio receiver . . . is tuned to another. . . . [So] a husband may be . . . very sensual and romantic toward his wife, but that might not be where her love receiver is tuned. He doesn’t listen sympathetically to her when she wants to talk about the things that discourage her. . . . [S]he tells her husband, “I don’t feel you love me!” He retorts, “But I do love you!” Why . . . ? He is sending his love over a channel to which she is not tuned. (Hardcover, p. 153; paperback, p. 169)
LOVE LANGUAGES: 1. We have seen that the love and affirmation of your spouse can be healing and transformative. But how do you communicate love to your spouse? Let’s introduce the concept of “love channels” or “love languages.” The idea is that you think you are conveying love and affirmation to your spouse, but you may be doing so in a way that can’t be heard, because it is not emotionally valuable to him or her. The metaphor of a radio is helpful. You may be sending love on one channel but your partner doesn’t listen to that channel. Learning our spouse’s love languages is crucial. It requires coming to understand much about his or her temperament, history, and identity.
Reflection: Before doing any more reading or study, answer this very general question: In what ways can you express love in a way that pleases your spouse the most?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Proverbs 27:14, that tells us our efforts to bless—if poorly expressed—can be “counted . . . as a curse.” Ask God for wisdom, not just good intentions, for how to love your spouse skillfully.
September 15
There are many different ways to express love. You can buy a present, say, “I love you” out loud, give a compliment, be romantic and tender physically, abide by your loved one’s wishes, and spend time in focused attention. That’s just the beginning of the list. . . . The Greeks had . . . affection (storge), love between friends (philos), erotic love (eros), and service (agape). . . . All forms of love are necessary, and none are to be ignored, but all of us find some forms of love to be more emotionally valuable to us. (Hardcover, p. 153; paperback, p. 170)
LOVE LANGUAGES: 2. Let’s look at the first of the four broad categories of love languages. “Affection” includes what has often been called edifying or blessing the other. To do this means, on the one hand, eliminating many practices that undermine your spouse. Do you use cutting humor? Do you use sarcasm and belittling words when making points? Do you criticize him or her in front of others? Are you far less courteous in little things toward your spouse than you are toward a guest in your home? Do you brighten up for others and engage, but shuffle around in an emotionally unresponsive, distracted way when you are home with just your partner? This is a list of disaffecting behaviors and attitudes. Eliminate them.
Reflection: Evaluate yourself and each other according to the list above.
Thought for prayer: Unaffectionate behavior comes from a heart hardened with self-pity and resentment. Ask God for a heart softened so you are neither sharp-tongued nor emotionally distant in your daily dealings with your spouse.
September 16
You could, like Kathy and I, have an intractable conflict over child-care responsibilities. But it could be that the husband is thinking (as I did), “If you love me like my mother loved my father, you’d not ask me to change diapers,” and the wife could be thinking (as Kathy did), “If you love me like my father loved my mother, you’d volunteer.” Instead of thinking about the other person, “He (she) is so selfish,” each should think, “He (she) is feeling particularly unloved.” (Hardcover, p. 155; paperback, pp. 171–72)
LOVE LANGUAGES: 3. Let’s look at the positive side of showing affection. To do that well, think of everyday behavior or traits you respect in your spouse. Do you identify them and speak of them? Then, standing back, think of the work and accomplishments of your spouse. Do you identify them and speak of them? Study your partner, looking for the areas where your spouse “feels a lack” and think of ways to encourage him or her specifically in those areas.110 Finally, take thought for how to create loving climates, creatively arranging for situations in which focused attention is easier. Walks, scenic drives, and eating out (or cooking for one another) are only a few examples. These are the best settings in which your work of edifying and blessing can really sink in.
Reflection: Evaluate yourself and each other according to the list above.
Thought for prayer: Ask God to give you constant remembrances of his mercy and grace to you, so you can be regularly and instinctively kind and warm to your spouse.
September 17
[R]ealize you have a “filter” on. You tend to only “hear” certain kinds of love language. For example, your spouse may be working hard to provide you with material things, but you wish he were more verbal. There is a tendency to say, “He doesn’t love me!” because he is not communicating love in your most valuable language. Take off your filter and recognize the love your spouse is giving you. (Hardcover, p. 154; paperback, p. 171)
GIVING, HELPING, LISTENING, TALKING. Judson Swihart wrote a book called How Do You Say “I Love You”? that provided a number of specific ways to show love that stretched over all four categories.111 We’ve teased these out into twelve specific ways to show love. We will look at four each day. Some say “love me . . .” (1) by giving me things, from thoughtful gifts to meeting my material needs and wants; (2) by helping me, by giving priority to helping me accomplish my responsibilities; (3) by listening to me with focused attention when I want to talk, by being understanding; (4) by talking to me and letting me know what you are really thinking and feeling—your joys, hopes, worries, and fears.
Reflection: Which of these four love languages are the most emotionally valuable to you? Before asking—which do you think is the most valuable to your spouse? Now compare your answers.
Thought for prayer: Ask God that over these three days that you and your spouse can get more clarity about how to communicate love to each other in ways that fit your particular needs.
September 18
Learn the primary languages of your spouse and send love over those channels, not over the channels you prefer for yourself. We tend to give love through the channels in which we like to receive it. (Hardcover, p. 155; paperback, p. 172)
TOUCHING, LIKING, POINTING, STANDING. Consider the following kinds of love languages. Some say “love me . . .” (5) by being physically warm, tender, affectionate and playful, and not just when you are interested in sex; (6) by telling me what you like about me, affirming my strengths, helping me find my gifts; (7) by telling me where I need to grow—in a context of affirmation—and pointing out where I need to change; (8) by standing up for me in front of others, and always being on the same side when we are dealing with others, including our children.
Reflection: Which of these four love languages are the most emotionally valuable to you? Before asking—which do you think is the most valuable to your spouse? Now compare your answers.
Thought for prayer: Ask God for the continual attentiveness it takes to discern the particular ways that your spouse both needs and wants love expressed to him or her.
September 19
Remember that improper love languages can be “heard in reverse.” For example, if you give material gifts to a person who wants some other form, she may say, “You are trying to buy my love!” (Hardcover, p. 155; paperback, p. 172)
CHANGING, SHARING, PRAYING, AND SPACE. Finally, consider these love languages. Some say “love me . . .” (9) by volunteering to change your habits, attitudes, and other things that bother me, by being open to my criticism; (10) by spending time with me doing and sharing activities that I like, by sharing each other’s worlds and growing together intellectually and emotionally; (11) by praying and reading the Bible and talking about our spiritual lives together; (12) by giving me freedom or privacy to pursue my interests, by not being too sm
othering and possessive.
Reflection: Which of these four love languages are the most emotionally valuable to you? Before asking—which do you think is the most valuable to your spouse? Now compare your answers.
Thought for prayer: Ask God for the wisdom to know the differences and balances—between being too smothering or too detached, between being only affirming or only critical, between only listening or only talking. Ask for the ability to love skillfully and well.
September 20
Never abuse the primary love language. Never withhold it to hurt the other, for the hurt will go deep. A man who greatly values getting respect from his wife in public will not be able to take it when she mocks him in front of their friends. A woman who needs lots of verbal affirmation will be devastated by the silent treatment. (Hardcover, p. 155; paperback, p. 172)
THE ABUSE OF THE LANGUAGES. If we are angry with our spouse we may instinctively get back at them by withholding a love language we know is valuable to them or even by giving them the very opposite behavior as a way of hurting them. But wounds inflicted in this way can be hard to heal. God did not do that to us. When the Israelites complained that they could not bear listening to his voice on Mount Sinai directly, God sent his word through a human prophet (Deuteronomy 18:15–19). God adapted his communication to our capacities. Jesus himself is God’s way of giving us love in a form to which we could relate (John 1:14). So love your spouse as God in Christ has loved you.
Reflection: Think of a time in which you were tempted to use your spouse’s love language against him or her.
Thought for prayer: In God’s presence, think of how he did not merely send us a prophet to tell us about his love, but he gave us his Son to embody it and his Spirit to feel it, so we could know his love. Ask God to help you love your spouse in the same way.
September 21
[T]here’s the Great Problem of marriage. The one person in the whole world who holds your heart in your hand, whose approval and affirmation you most long for and need—is the one who is hurt more deeply by your sins than anyone else on the planet. . . . When we see how devastating truth-telling . . . can be . . . [w]e may then decide that our job is to . . . shut up [and] . . . stuff and hide what we really think and feel. We exercise . . . love, but not . . . truth. (Hardcover, pp. 162–63; paperback, pp. 180–81)
THE NEED FOR GRACE. We have been looking at two “powers” of marriage: truth and love. But these two powers create a tension. Our spouses, as we have seen, do not merely learn the truth about our sin in an abstract way. We sin against our spouses and we hurt them. How will they, in spite of that, be enabled to use their power to love and edify? How can you affirm someone whose sins you see so painfully well? We may choose to only tell the truth or only be loving—but it takes both to bring about change. The powers of truth and love will only work together if they are joined by a third—the power of grace and forgiveness.
Reflection: It is difficult to be truthful and loving at the same time. We tend to choose one over the other. Which one do you tend to choose?
Thought for prayer: Thank the Lord that he is not merely a demanding and just God or one of indiscriminate beneficence. Thank him for the grace of the Cross, which reveals how he can both be infinitely just to punish sins and infinitely merciful to forgive sins at the same time.
September 22
Truth without love ruins the oneness, and love without truth gives the illusion of unity but actually stops the journey and the growth. The solution is grace. The experience of Jesus’s grace makes it possible to practice the two most important skills in marriage: forgiveness and repentance. Only if we are very good at forgiving and very good at repenting can truth and love be kept together. . . . Spouses either stay away from the truth . . . or else they attack one another [with it]. (Hardcover, pp. 163–64; paperback, p. 182)
UNITING TRUTH AND LOVE. When a couple learns the moves of grace—to both repent and forgive—it unites the other two powers—of truth and love—in such a way that it leads to personal growth for all. To repent is to admit the truth because you are confident that in love your spouse will forgive you. If you weren’t assured of your spouse’s love, you couldn’t admit the truth, you would merely justify and defend yourself. To forgive is to insist on truth (not making excuses for your spouse) because you love them too much to let them continue in their sin. In these and many other ways, repenting and forgiveness make truth and love interdependent, not contradictory.
Reflection: “Loving without telling the truth is not really love. Truth-telling without love is not really conveying the truth.” Defend these two statements.
Thought for prayer: In each other’s presence, thank God for times in which you have been able to extend grace to each other through repentance and forgiveness, and ask for increasing abilities and opportunities to do the same.
September 23
The Bible says we are supposed to forgive people and then go and confront them . . . almost always because . . . we confront people who have wronged us as a way of paying them back . . . getting revenge. . . . The person you are confronting knows you are doing payback and he or she will either be devastated or infuriated—or both. You are not really telling the truth for [truth’s sake or for] their sake; you are telling it for your sake. (Hardcover, p. 164; paperback, p. 183)
“TRUTH” WITHOUT LOVE. Truth-telling without love dishonors the truth. We say we are only telling our spouse the truth when we are really trying to punish them. They made you feel bad and you want to make them feel bad, using the truth as a club. In such cases the so-called “truth” is usually unbalanced, one-sided, and crafted to hurt. The response to truth-without-love is seldom repentance and seeing the truth clearly. The other person will either be decimated or angered, because they will know you are not so much committed to truth as to payback. If you really care about people realizing the truth, you will convey it in love so it is possible for them to do so.
Reflection: When was the last time you used truth-without-love on each other?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Galatians 6:1, that you should only correct someone if they are, first, “caught” in a sin, doing it repeatedly, and second, if you can do it gently and humbly. Now ask God for the ability to only ever criticize along these lines.
September 24
[W]ithout . . . the power of forgiving grace in your life—you will use the truth to hurt [and punish when you are wronged]. The other person [then] will either attack you back or withdraw. Your marriage will go either into a truth-without-love mode, with constant fighting, or a shallow love-without-truth mode, in which both partners simply avoid the underlying problems. (Hardcover, pp. 164–65; paperback, p. 183)
“LOVE” WITHOUT TRUTH. Just as truth without love doesn’t really honor truth, so love without truth isn’t really love. Proverbs 13:24 says that if parents fail to discipline a wayward son, they “hate” him. If you allow a child to grow up lying, stealing, and abusing others, it is the most unloving thing you can do. Many parents fail to discipline their children because, they say, they “love” them too much to make them unhappy. The reality is that you want to avoid the experience of your children’s displeasure more than you want their growth and their good. It’s the same in marriage as in parenting. To shrink from truth-telling because it will be painful for you is selfishness, not love.
Reflection: When was the last time you indulged in love-without-truth-telling? What were you avoiding?
Thought for prayer: Thank God for his transforming love for you, how his love refuses to allow you to acquiesce in your flaws and sins, but insists on your growth. Remember how painful it was for Christ to love you. Now ask God for the courage to love others and your spouse like that.
September 25
This does not mean you cannot express anger. In fact, if you never express anger, your truth-telling probably won’t sink in. But forgiving grace mus
t always be present, and if it is, it will, like salt in meat, keep the anger from going bad. Then truth and love can live together because, beneath them both, you have forgiven your spouse as Christ forgave you. (Hardcover, p. 165; paperback, p. 184)
REPENTING. Forgiveness (see tomorrow’s devotional) is far easier to give if there is repentance. How do you repent? First, say what you think you have done wrong. Second, ask your spouse to add to your list and then listen receptively to the criticism you’ve invited. Don’t be too quick to defend or explain yourself. Show respect for your spouse’s concerns. Third, ask forgiveness and at the same time offer a concrete plan for change that avoids the same thing happening again (cf. Luke 3:7–14). If you feel some of your spouse’s complaints are unjustified, wait until you’ve freely confessed the justified ones, and then humbly offer your perspective. This is all hard to do, so pray silently and assume God is speaking to you through this whole process.
Reflection: When was the last time you repented and asked forgiveness from your spouse? Look at the list above and evaluate how well you did this.
Thought for prayer: Confess to Jesus that though he humbled himself without the obligation to do so, when we humble ourselves and repent, we do have an obligation—yet we find it tremendously hard. Cry out for help to become a better repenter.
The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional Page 23
