Reflection: Is there a celebratory note in your sexual relationship? Do you ever let your spouse feel that you rejoice in his or her body?
Prayer: Lord, protect me from either the semiworship of sex, as in pornography, or a discomfort with it entirely. Instead, in my marriage, show me how to delight in touch and physicality, as I love my spouse as you loved us. Amen.
December 4
[He:] How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. . . . [Y]ou have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. (Song of Solomon 4:1, 9)
CAPTIVATED BY THE INNER PERSON. For all the Song of Solomon’s rejoicing in physicality, the part of the body that gets the most attention is, interestingly, the eyes. Of course a person’s eyes can be attractively shaped, but in verse 9 it is the glance of the eyes that reveals the inner life of the heart. To be captivated by the eyes is to be captivated by all the person is. Here again we have a biblical concept of romantic attraction that does not ignore physical beauty but does not make it the most important component. Indeed, aging spouses have learned that even when bodies are slowly losing their loveliness, the eyes can become more attractive. Why? Because behind them are deepening wells of joy and wisdom, of love for God and for each other.
Reflection: It takes a beautiful heart to capture a heart. What do you find beautiful about your spouse’s inner person? Share your answer.
Prayer: Lord, as my spouse and I age, help us to find each other more and more delightfully attractive, even as our outward bodies waste away. Amen.
December 5
[She:] My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. . . . His arms are rods of gold set with topaz. His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. . . . This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem. I belong to my beloved and his desire is for me. (Song of Solomon 5:10, 14, 16; 7:10)
SEXUAL ASSERTIVENESS. “The role of the woman . . . is truly astounding, especially in light of its ancient origins. . . . In Song 5:10–16 she boldly exclaims her physical attraction. . . . [“His abdomen is like a polished ivory tusk, decorated with sapphires” (verse 14).] The Hebrew is quite erotic, and most translators cannot bring themselves to bring out the obvious meaning.”138 Yet in 7:10 this sexually assertive woman expresses her submission to her husband: “I belong to my beloved.” As in the book of Proverbs, the woman depicted does not fit into either the traditional model of wife as possession or servant, or with the modern view of husband and wife as interchangeable partners without distinct roles.
Reflection: Are you clear on your roles within the marriage and the family? Do those roles reflect the balance depicted here?
Prayer: Lord, your Word puts all sorts of hedges around sex, but it also exults in it. It shows us sex as neither a good nor an evil in itself, but as either consecration or desecration, depending on whether we offer it to you. Help us as a couple, and help Christians as a people, to offer it to you. Amen.
December 6
[Friends:] Where has your beloved gone, most beautiful of women? Which way did your beloved turn, that we may look for him with you? (Song of Solomon 6:1)
MARITAL REALISM. In the Song of Solomon, no sooner is there marital union (3:6–5:1) than there is separation. The man is gone and the woman is again searching for him with the help of her friends (6:1), but by 6:3 they are reunited. The particular reasons for this losing and finding are not obvious, but the message is clear. The Bible never sees marriage as a “and they lived happily ever after” story. As the premarital relationship had its ups and downs so will the marriage. In fact, if spouses do not continue to constantly pursue one another, they will drift apart. Why? Because marriage is giving all you know of yourself to the other—and that is constantly changing. Marriage is like riding a bicycle—you either go forward or you fall off.
Reflection: What significant things have you learned about yourself since you were married? How has that affected your marriage? Are you still “pursuing” one another?
Prayer: Lord, we thank you for making marriage a covenantal union, and for how it has held us together through trials and brought us to a place of richer love than we could have otherwise known. Amen.
December 7
[She:] Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. (Song of Solomon 8:6–7)
LOVE OVERCOMING DEATH. The woman claims that nothing—not floodwaters, death, or the grave—will be able to end their love. But don’t even marriage vows acknowledge “till death do us part”? Isn’t this poetic hyperbole? Yes, but the text also hints at something. The Lord’s love is literally stronger than death, and it protects us from both water and flames (Isaiah 43:2). So the subtle references in these verses “point us beyond this life to the greater love [of the Lord] who will never let us go, triumphing even over death, the last enemy.”139 What if spouses love each other in Christ, with Christ’s love that cannot end? Then while at the wedding we say, “till death do us part,” on our deathbeds we can say, “See you later.”
Reflection: How can you and your spouse be more ready for death—not just financially and practically but emotionally and spiritually? Have you discussed it candidly?
Prayer: Lord, how we praise you for giving us a love that is stronger than death—a love that will survive the grave. What greater comfort could there be? And we thank you for the price you paid for that comfort when you went to the cross for us. Amen.
December 8
While traditional societies tend to make an idol out of marriage [and] . . . of the family and tribe, contemporary societies tend to make an idol of independence [and] of individual choice and happiness. While the traditional motive for marriage was social duty . . . the contemporary motive for marriage is personal fulfillment. Both of these motives are partially right, of course, but they tend to become ultimates if the gospel has not changed your mind and heart. (Hardcover, p. 202; paperback, pp. 230–31)
ALWAYS OUT OF STEP. The Gospel challenges every human culture at some point, so Christians will always be somewhat out of step. As to sex and marriage, they will be too traditional for modern people and too lax for traditional cultures. This can create suspicion and mistrust on the part of nonbelievers if we allow ourselves to act self-righteously. If, instead, we are able to warmly welcome into our homes and lives those who don’t believe and allow them to witness us repenting and forgiving one another, the power of the Gospel to change lives can make those same differences attractive and intriguing.
Reflection: Would your marriage intrigue a nonbeliever if he or she were to witness it closely? Would your dating life as a single create curiosity and interest among your friends?
Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you be neither resentful and disdainful toward the values of the surrounding culture nor too influenced by it.
December 9
[Traditional culture says to singles,] “You aren’t a whole person until you are married.” . . . [Modern culture says to those who aren’t married,] “You shouldn’t marry until you have professionally made it big and you find the perfect partner who won’t try to change you in any way.” . . . Their first culture [makes us] over-desirous of marriage. Their second culture [makes us] over-afraid of marriage. (Hardcover, p. 202; paperback, p. 231)
TRUSTING GOD FOR MARRIAGE. It’s natural to be nervous about making a marriage commitment. Sometimes we want to have complete assurance that if we marry, everything in life will be wonderful. But decoded, this translates into a fear of trusting God when moving into uncharted territory. Don’t give in to that. Even if a person remains unmarried they will have to trust God for their future, because they
don’t know what lies ahead—health or sickness, success or failure, happiness or sorrow. So remaining single is not a protection against the unknown. God will have to be your guide, protector, and Father in any case.
Reflection: Have you avoided marriage because of a fear of the complications marriage might bring into your life? Did marriage ever scare you because you thought it would complicate your life? Conversely, as a married person, do you ever long for the single life, thinking it would be simpler and therefore happier than your married state?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Proverbs 3:5–6. Then ask God to help you trust him completely, putting your times in his hands (Psalm 31:15).
December 10
[E]mpirical studies show that males will look for near perfection in physical looks while women will look for partners who are financially well off. . . . [S]exual and financial factors dominate the thinking. As a result, modern dating can become a remarkably crass form of self-merchandising. You must look good and make money if you are to attract dates, a partner, or a spouse. And the reason you want a good-looking or affluent partner is for your own self-esteem. (Hardcover, pp. 202–3; paperback, pp. 231–32)
YOU NEED JUST TWO THINGS. Successful, happy marriages must be built on a much more stable foundation than physical appearance or financial solvency—both of which are subject to changes, even sudden ones. What, then, do we need? Two things. First, we need two people who love one another enough to make a promise to each other. Life has so many unexpected twists and turns that anything not grounded in a common covenantal life before God will always be fragile. A wedding is not a declaration of present love as much as it is a promise of future love, when the exhilaration of feelings may have abated. Second, we need two people who believe and understand the gospel well enough to solve problems with it, to repent, forgive, and change.
Reflection: Unmarried couples, what are you looking for in a spouse? A traveling companion who will join you in seeking a life pleasing to God? Or something else? Married people, in what ways have your wedding vows supported and enriched your love in the rough patches?
Thought for prayer: If the flourishing of your marriage is dependent on the strength of your promise and the ability to repent and forgive, ask God to stir up his grace so you grow in both.
December 11
Many singles are looking for a highly compatible, brilliant, and beautiful partner. For others, singleness is at best a purgatory, where you live waiting for your real life to begin, or at worst a misery. The first kind of single looks right past all sorts of good prospective spouses because of fear and perfectionism. The second kind of single can scare people away because of his or her neediness, and sometimes can make terrible choices in marital partners out of desperation. (Hardcover, pp. 203–4; paperback, p. 233)
MARRIAGE SEEKING. Both the single state and marriage have their spiritual advantages and disadvantages, as St. Paul points out at length in 1 Corinthians 7. Should you decide to seek marriage, you must use wisdom to choose the person with whom you will share your life, your ministry, and your heart. How do you assess a person for those qualities? Not by using numbers, either of body stats or financial bottom lines, and not from a distance. Instead, throw yourself into ministry and the service of others. Someone you serve with (missions trip, evangelism outreach, mercy effort, prayer team) is someone you will get to know from the inside out. Meanwhile, you will be filling your life with activities in obedience to God, rather than obsessing about with who or when you might be married.
Reflection: Unmarried couples, have you gotten to know each other in the context of serving others together? If you have, you will learn much more about each other. Married couples, how can your home and family provide unpressured occasions for singles to meet one another?
Thought for prayer: Remember that you and your spouse are not just lovers, or even just friends, but builders of Christian community and witnesses to the gospel and kingdom. Confess to God where you are weak, and ask him to strengthen your marriage in each area.
December 12
How different seeking marriage would be if . . . we were to fall in love especially with the glorious thing God is doing in our spouse’s life? Ironically, this view of marriage eventually does provide unbelievable personal fulfillment, but not in the sacrifice-free and superficial way that contemporary people want it to come. Instead, it gives the unique, breathtaking fulfillment of visible character growth (Ephesians 5:25–27) into love, peace, joy, and hope (Colossians 1, Galatians 5, 1 Corinthians 13). (Hardcover, p. 203; paperback, pp. 232–33)
MOTIVES FOR CHANGING. This vision is very different from marrying a person with the expectation of you changing him or her into what you conceive to be their “best self.” You must be able to see into a potential spouse’s life enough to know something of the gifts and calling that God has given them, and to desire to support them in growth in those areas. It takes great wisdom to know yourself well enough to discern the difference between “supporting your spouse’s growth” and “manipulating your spouse into becoming the person YOU want him or her to be.” Humility, a reasonable self-distrust (am I suggesting this because it benefits me, or because it will benefit him or her?), and prayer together are vitally necessary.
Reflection: Do you pray together enough to know one another’s hearts? Is there a better way to become more intimate with one another than to have a prayer life together?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on 1 Samuel 12:23 to see that it is a sin against both God and your spouse to fail to pray with and for them regularly. Confess to God your lack of a sufficient marital prayer life and ask him for his great help.
December 13
[What is the “gift” of singleness in 1 Corinthians 7:7?] It is fruitfulness in life and ministry through the single state. When you have this gift, there may indeed be struggles, but . . . God is helping you to grow spiritually and be fruitful in the lives of others despite them. That means a single gift is not just for a select few, and it is not necessarily lifelong, though it may be. It may [also] be a grace given for a finite period of time. (Hardcover, p. 208; paperback, p. 238)
YOUR LIFE, A SACRIFICE. God has redeemed us and given us everything. In return, we give him our lives, acknowledging him as Lord over all. As we yield the circumstances of our lives—singleness, married with children, infertile, widowed, healthy, sick, perplexed, struggling—he will use them as he did the five loaves and two fish to do greater things than what we can imagine. Often the only thing standing in the way of our usefulness is our own unhappiness about what we have to offer God; we think we could offer him a married life, but not a single one. Or a healthy life, but not one compromised by illness. Yet God can and will be glorified by anything we yield to him to do greater things than we can imagine.
Reflection: What is the difference between merely enduring a situation through gritted teeth and offering it to God as a sacrifice? What attitudes does it require? What practices?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 12:1–2. Then ask God to help you to make your life a whole burnt offering—a living sacrifice.
December 14
[In dating], act your age. Teenagers generally shouldn’t try to awaken emotional and physical desires that can’t . . . responsibly find their fulfillment in marriage. However, if you are single and in your thirties, you should recognize that if you insist on trying to continue the entertainment category of dating with others of your age, you will be often playing with people’s emotions. The older you are, and the more often you “go out,” the quicker both people must be to acknowledge that you are seeking marriage. (Hardcover, p. 209; paperback, p. 239)
SELF-CONTROL. It makes no sense to deliberately arouse sexual desire that, outside of a marriage covenant, will either be frustrated or unrighteously consummated (see November 7). Unless you can embrace lifelong chastity (and most people cannot), then seek a spouse with whom you can e
xult in the gift of sexuality, and God willing, the creation of new life. If someone gave you a beautiful and expensive car, would you turn it on in the driveway and just rev the engine while remaining in park? That would be terrible for the engine, besides not being what the car was built for. Then, similarly, don’t deliberately arouse sexual desire by what you watch, look at, listen to, or fantasize about, unless you are legitimately arousing your spouse for mutual sexual bonding.
Reflection: Unmarried couples, are you being careful to not deliberately arouse strong sexual desire before you are married?
Thought for prayer: Remember before God that self-control is not simply a matter of stoical willpower but of loving the important thing more than the urgent thing. Then ask the Lord to increase in you the spiritual fruit of self-control in every area of your life (2 Timothy 1:7).
December 15
Do not allow yourself deep emotional involvement with a nonbelieving person. . . . The Bible everywhere assumes that Christians should marry other Christians. . . . If your partner doesn’t share your Christian faith . . . and if Jesus is central to you, then that means that your partner doesn’t truly understand you. He or she doesn’t understand the mainspring of your life, the ground motive of all you do. . . . [Y]ou will repeatedly make decisions that your partner won’t be able to fathom at all. (Hardcover, pp. 209–10; paperback, pp. 239–40)
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