He was petrified like a statue, kneeling atop the bed, as the woman slowly rose to a sitting position in a way that suggested no weight at all; her upper half hovered up as if pulled by some invisible force, while her hands stayed folded over her stomach. That long silver hair hung down her back in one solid flow, trailing with a breeze that wasn’t there.
With her eyes opened, the woman (or girl—she looked younger now that her eyes were open) lifted a hand to her mouth and yawned slightly, without a single acknowledgment of Eugeo’s presence.
She folded her knees to the right, shifting her center of weight so that she had to prop herself up with her left hand on the cover. It was in that seductive pose that the girl finally turned her head to look straight at Eugeo.
Her flat silver eyes with their rainbow-colored edges didn’t look like they belonged to any human being—there were no pupils. Despite their beauty, they reflected all the light like mirrors, allowing no glimpse into her emotional center.
He gazed into his dumbfounded reflection in those little mirrors as the girl’s pearly lips parted. She spoke in a gorgeous voice, as sweet as honey and pure as crystal.
“You poor child.”
It took some time for him to understand what she’d said to him. Without realizing how slow his wits were working, he repeated, “Huh…? Poor…?”
“Yes. Very pitiful.”
Her voice had a beguiling quality, a combination of innocent beauty and sultry seductiveness. The gleaming pearl lips curled into a subtle grin, emitting more of that honeyed tone.
“You are like a wilted flower in its little bed. No matter how you extend your roots into the soil, no matter how much you stretch your leaves into the breeze, you cannot touch a single drop of dew.”
“Flower…bed…”
His brows knotted as he tried to puzzle out the meaning of her words. The fog shrouding his mind still hung thick, but something in her words brought a stab of pain to his heart.
“You understand. You know just how thirsty and starving you are.”
“…For what…?” he heard his own voice say.
She stared at him with those mirror eyes, grin still in place.
“For love.”
For…love?
As though…I don’t know…what love is…
“Precisely correct. You don’t know what it means to be loved, you poor child.”
That’s not true.
Mom…loved me. When I had a nightmare, when I couldn’t sleep…she would hold me and sing me lullabies.
“But did that love truly belong to you, and you alone? It didn’t, did it? It was spread among all your siblings, and you just happened to receive it by default…”
That’s a lie. Mom loved me…She loved only me…
“You wished she only loved you. But she didn’t. So you hated your father, your brothers, for stealing your mother’s love.”
Liar. I…I don’t hate Dad or my brothers.
“Is that true…? But you slashed him.”
……
Slashed who…?
“There was that red-haired girl who might’ve been the first one to love you and only you…and you slashed the man who tried to take her by force. Because you hated him. He stole what would have only been yours.”
No…that’s not why I swung my sword at Humbert.
“But it didn’t satisfy your thirst. Nobody loves you. They all forgot about you. They decided they didn’t need you, and they cast you aside.”
No…that’s not true. I…I wasn’t abandoned…
That’s wrong…I know it is. I have Alice.
The recollection of that name seemed to clear away some of the thick fog shrouding his mind. Eugeo clenched his eyes shut. A warning voice in the back of his head said he had to do something, had to act.
Before he could do anything, that bewitching voice slid in through his eardrums again.
“Is that really true…? Does she really love only you…?” she said, pity mixed with a bit of mockery. “You’re forgetting. So I’ll help you remember the true memories you’ve buried deep in your heart.”
Then his vision tilted.
The luxurious down bed vanished, replaced by a deep, dark hole through which he fell without end.
Just then, he smelled fresh grass.
The sunlight was green where it hit the earth through the leaves, and his ears were full of the twittering of birds and the rustling of grass underfoot.
He was running alone through a thick forest.
His point of view was strangely low, his paces short. He looked down and saw skinny little child’s legs sticking out from a pair of short trousers. But soon it felt natural again, and the only thing he felt was overwhelming haste and loneliness.
For some reason, he hadn’t seen Alice all morning.
Once he finished his morning chores of caring for the cows and pulling weeds in the herb garden, Eugeo raced off for the usual meeting spot: the great old tree outside of town. But no matter how long he waited, Alice did not show up. Neither did his other childhood friend, the black-haired boy.
He waited for them until the sun reached the highest point in the sky, then he trotted off toward Alice’s house, filled with a strange sense of unease. She had probably gotten in trouble for some mischief and was forbidden from going to see him. But when he reached her house, Mrs. Zuberg simply shook her head and said, “That’s strange. She left quite early this morning. Kiri-boy came along, so I was sure you’d be with them.”
Eugeo mumbled his thanks and left the village elder’s house, then continued his search, the feeling of unease turning to panic. But Kirito and Alice were nowhere to be found—not in any of their playing spots or hideouts, and certainly not in the center square, where Zink and his sidekicks liked to hang out.
There was only one other place he could think of. That round little clearing deep in the woods to the east, where the other children didn’t dare go. It was their secret spot, full of flowers and sweet fruit, a place the adults called the Fairy Ring.
He raced straight there, feeling the sniffles coming. He was urged on by loneliness, suspicion, and the presence of some third, unknown emotion.
When he finished running down the twisted trail and approached their secret clearing around an especially thick old tree, he spotted a golden shine between the trunks and came to a stop.
That was the familiar gleam of Alice’s golden hair. For some reason, he held his breath and listened. Traces of murmured words reached his ears on the wind.
Why…? Why? he repeated to himself as he snuck up to the clearing. Self-pity and misery threatened to crush him as he hid behind the mossy trunk and peered into the clearing, which was overflowing with Solus’s light.
Alice sat in the middle of the profusion of colorful flowers with her back to him. He couldn’t see her face, but the long golden hair, blue dress, and white apron couldn’t belong to anyone else.
Next to her was a head of spiky, coarse black hair. His best friend in the world, Kirito.
Cold, clinging sweat flooded his palms.
Kirito’s voice traveled to the edge of the clearing, nonchalant. “Hey…we should head back soon, or we’ll get busted.”
Alice replied, “We’re still fine. Let’s stay a little longer…Just a bit?”
Oh no.
I don’t want to be here.
But Eugeo’s feet might as well have been tree roots stuck into the ground.
He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight of Alice’s head leaning closer to Kirito’s.
Little shreds of whispering.
It was like a painting, two small figures leaning together in the bright sun, surrounded by brilliant flowers.
No, no, no.
This is a lie. It’s all lies, he shouted from somewhere dark. But no matter how hard he tried to deny it, the certainty that this was some truthful memory summoned from the very depths of his mind grew firmer, filling his chest like bile.
“There…you see?
”
She giggled. The forest scene vanished into a smug whisper.
Eugeo was on the massive bed in the middle of the pontifex’s chamber atop Central Cathedral, but he couldn’t dispel the golden shine from his eyes when he closed his lids. His ears still heard phantom whispers from the two.
His voice of reason claimed he met Kirito two years ago, well after Alice was taken away, but it failed to vanquish the dark feeling that filled his heart. He heaved and panted, eyes bulging, while the silver-haired girl gazed at him with pity.
“Do you understand now…? Even her love does not belong only to you. In fact…one wonders if there was any love for you to begin with.”
That sweet voice slid into his mind, each lilted question and insinuation wreaking havoc on his thoughts. Suddenly, boundless hunger and loneliness stood out in stark relief to the rest of his emotions. The surface of his ego cracked and fell away, leaving only the raw desire underneath.
“But I’m not like her, Eugeo.”
Her most provocative suggestion yet came gushing into Eugeo’s mind with the scent of juicy fruit dipped thick in honey.
“I will love you. I’ll give you, and only you, all the love I have.”
Through half-clouded eyes, Eugeo saw the beautiful girl with the silver hair and eyes—Administrator, highest power of the Axiom Church—give him a mind-melting smile. She shifted her legs against the soft sheet and straightened her back. Her hands came up to the chest of her purple silk nightgown to play with the ribbon that held it closed. With graceful fingers, she pulled at the silver ribbon, teasing it open ever so slowly. The full white bosoms that peeked out of the wide collar swayed enticingly.
“Come to me, Eugeo.”
Her whisper was like the voice of his mother in his dream and also like the murmuring of Alice he’d heard during his vision.
In a daze, Eugeo watched the sheer purple cloth fall away from her frighteningly slim waist like flower petals. She really was like a flower—the devilish predatory kind that lured in small birds and insects with its powerful perfume and succulent nectar.
Part of Eugeo was able to recognize the danger as such, but the gravitational pull of that delicate, pale fruit in the midst of the purple petals was so strong, in a mind so frayed by the earlier illusions, that he felt like he was sinking deeper into some sticky liquid.
You’ve never been loved in a way that truly satisfies you, Administrator had said. Now Eugeo himself was beginning to admit this was true. When he was younger, he really did love his parents, brothers, and friends without reservation. The sight of his mother delighted at the flowers he picked for her, and his father and brothers happily eating the fish he caught, filled young Eugeo with joy. He even went into the forest to find healing herbs when Zink the bully and his friends would get sick.
But what did they do for you? After the love you showed them, what did they do for you?
That. That was the part he couldn’t remember.
Again, Administrator’s gentle grin twisted, and a scene from his past flooded up to greet him.
It was the spring of his tenth year, the day that all the children in the village were brought to the clearing so that the elder could assign their callings. He watched nervously as Elder Gasfut glanced down at him from the podium and announced a significant surprise: “Carver of the Gigas Cedar.”
Still, some of the children around him made envious comments. The carver was a prestigious, hallowed position that had existed since the founding of Rulid, and while he wouldn’t get a sword, he’d at least get to swing a real ax. Eugeo wasn’t disappointed at the time, by any means.
He raced back home, clutching the parchment roll tied with a red ribbon, proud to show it off to his family. After the initial silence, it was the middle brother who spoke first. He clicked his tongue and complained that he thought it was going to be the day he didn’t have to shovel the cow poop anymore. Then the eldest brother noted that this threw off their plan for the year’s planting. His father grunted and asked Eugeo when that job would end and whether he would have time for the fields after he got home. His mother disappeared into the kitchen, wary of their wrath.
In the eight years since, Eugeo’s role at home had always been small. And yet, the earnings he made as carver went into Father’s care and eventually turned into more sheep and new tools for the farm. Meanwhile, Zink the apprentice man-at-arms got to spend all his salary on himself, feasting on white bread with thick slices of meat and showing off his fancy hobnailed boots and his sword with its smooth leather scabbard. Meanwhile, Eugeo drudged around on his worn-down shoes, with nothing but stale, leftover bread in his lunch sack.
“There, you see? Did the people you loved ever once do anything for you in return? Or did they actually take joy in your misery and mock you instead?”
Yes…that’s right.
Two years after Alice was taken away by the Integrity Knight, in his eleventh summer, Eugeo remembered Zink telling him that now that the elder’s daughter was gone, there was no girl left in the village who would care for him. The look in his eyes made it clear that he thought Eugeo deserved it. He’d been best friends with Alice, the prettiest and most talented girl in the village, and Zink was delighted at his downfall.
Ultimately, no one in Rulid ever repaid Eugeo’s sentiments. He had the right to receive what he offered in a fair exchange, but instead, he was denied that privilege.
“Then what’s wrong with giving back some of that misery and frustration you’ve been feeling? Don’t you want to? I bet it would feel good to become an Integrity Knight and fly back to your home in all your glory, riding that silver dragon. You can make all those people who humiliated you crawl around in the dirt so you can step on their heads with your shiny boots. Only then can you finally regain all that’s been stolen from you. And that’s not all…”
Slowly, flirtatiously, the silver-haired girl removed the arms covering her chest. Without their support, her soft, shapely curves bounced like ripe fruit.
Administrator held out her arms to Eugeo and gave him a luxurious smile. “At last, you can know the joy of being truly loved,” she whispered. “It’s true fulfillment that numbs you from head to toe. I’m not like those people who only took from you. If you love me, I will give back every bit of love in return. The deeper and more truly you love me, the greater pleasure I will show you, bliss that you could never even imagine.”
Every last drop of Eugeo’s mental strength was being sucked up by the demonic flower. Only the tiniest last shred of reason remaining deep in his heart tried to fight back.
Is that really…what love is about?
Is it really like money…something with numerical value to be traded…?
He thought he heard a voice cry, That’s not true, Eugeo!—and he turned to see a red-haired girl in a gray uniform lunging for him out of the darkness. Before he could reach back, many thick black curtains fell between them, leaving only the sadness of the girl’s eyes in his mind.
Next it was a different voice from a different direction: You’re wrong, Eugeo. You don’t give your love in order to get something in return.
He spun around in the darkness to catch a glimpse of a field, where he saw a golden-haired girl standing in a blue dress. Her blue eyes shone like the one exit from this bottomless swamp, and Eugeo willed strength into his wilted legs to join her.
Once again, the black curtains fell, erasing the green pasture. Without a guiding light, Eugeo halted in the dark. He could no longer stand that burning thirst. The knowledge that he’d been unfairly abused, taken advantage of, and deprived since childhood turned his self-pity and misery into brine that seared his parched throat.
At last, Eugeo hung his head and began to crawl. Bit by bit, he crept toward the oasis of nectar and its sweet, heady perfume.
His fingers parted the smooth sheet of silk and brushed chilly skin. He looked up, and the silver-haired girl with the beauty of a goddess gave him a transcendent smile and took his hand. Sh
e pulled him gently, and he toppled forward without a fight. Her utterly naked body enveloped Eugeo, embracing him in its pliable softness.
At his ear, she whispered sweetly, “Don’t you want it, Eugeo? Don’t you want to forget all the sad things and just have your way with me? But not yet. I told you—first you have to love me. Just repeat what I tell you. Put your full trust in me and pledge me your everything. We’ll start with the initiation of the sacred art.”
The only reality for Eugeo by this point was the sweet, soft sensation that surrounded him in every way. Dully, as though it came from someone else, he heard himself croak, “System…Call.”
“That’s right…Now continue…Remove Core Protection.”
For the first time, he sensed her voice faltering and the presence of some kind of emotion.
He mumbled the phrase’s first unfamiliar word.
* * *
“Remove…”
When he gave up and submitted to her orders, he felt his existence getting lighter and thinner. That hunger and thirst that had plagued him for so very, very long melted and vanished into the sweet nectar. But so, too, did some very important feelings he’d held deep inside his heart.
Was this really…the best idea…?
The tiny little spark of doubt flamed up in his hollowing insides, but the next word was already tumbling out of his lips before he could answer his own question.
“Core…”
I’m just tired of being sad. Tired of being in pain.
There was no guarantee of love here. He would not find the love he was promised. And even…even if Alice regained her memory, would she even care about him? Would she want the man who’d violated the Taboo Index to attack Humbert and had fought against many Integrity Knights in open rebellion against the Church? Or would she fear and despise him…?
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