by Robert Bevan
“We’re not going to make it.”
“Like fuck we aren’t!” said Cooper. He’d pulled a coil of rope out of his bag. “Julian! Get Ravenus to tie us off on that guard rail.”
“He’s a bird!” said Julian. “He doesn’t know how to tie knots!”
“Then what the fuck good is he?”
“We’re going to fall!” cried Stacy. “Hurry up!”
“Ravenus!” Julian called out.
“Right here, sir.” He perched on a curl of stalk hanging down near Julian’s head.
“Do you know how to tie a knot?”
“I don’t think so, but I’d love to learn.”
“Another time maybe. I need you to take the end of Cooper’s rope and try to secure it to that railing up there. Can you do that?”
“I can do my best, sir!” Ravenus flew up to Cooper and snatched up the end of the rope in his talons while Julian prepared for another nosedive toward the ground.
When Ravenus reached the railing, he didn’t have enough slack in the rope to tie a knot even if he knew how.
“It was a good try,” said Julian. “But he can’t pull us up there.”
“He might not have to.” Stacy’s eyes looked surprisingly hopeful as she stared at something beyond Julian. “Look!”
Julian looked up. The uppermost part of the stalks, too thin to support their weight, found Cooper’s stretched out rope and began to twist around it like a pack of snakes scurrying up a tree. They braided themselves all the way up to the railing, then wrapped around it, sprouting new leaves and pods.
“Do you think that will hold us?” asked Julian.
Stacy wrapped her legs around her section of stalk, deactivated the Decanter of Endless Water, and drew her sword. “We’re about to find out.” She hacked at the stalk below her. One by one, individual stalks made snapping sounds as her sword relieved their tensile stress.
Cooper grabbed Julian’s wrist. “Guys, I know I’m not too bright. But this feels like a really dumb thing to do.”
Julian grabbed Stacy by the decanter-holding arm, leaving her sword arm free to continue hacking. He looked up. The vines looked like they’d support their weight, but it wasn’t something he was keen to test.
HACK HACK SNAP
And just like that, they were hanging from a flying rock five hundred feet in the air by the will of a few bean vines. The stalk fell away and began a slow-motion collapse.
Julian’s arms were stretched between Cooper and Stacy. He supposed he was grateful that Cooper wasn’t the one below him, lest his arms be pulled out of their shoulder sockets. He voiced a concern which he sincerely hoped Stacy had thought of before chopping away their best chance of not dying. “So... What happens now?”
“I’ll have to climb up,” said Stacy. “Sorry, Cooper. But I need to drop the Decanter of Endless Water.”
“Fuck that,” said Cooper. “I’ve got a better idea.”
Three ideas in a row from Cooper was just asking for trouble. As Julian’s eyes focused on a small leaf, it withered and died in front of him. Oh fuck. “Cooper, no!”
“I’m really angry!” shouted Cooper. His grip on Julian’s arm felt like a malfunctioning blood pressure monitor.
Before Julian knew what was happening, he and Stacy were flung upward like a couple of rag dolls. Completely weightless. Falling free. Landing hard on polished marble.
“Ow,” said Julian.
“Cooper!” cried Stacy, scrambling to her feet then running for the railing. Julian got to his feet and ran after her.
The vines holding the rope to the railing were drying out and turning brown. Their leaves were wilting and the pods were dropping off one by one.
Just as the vines started to snap, Stacy grabbed the rope with both hands. Julian grabbed her.
“Cooper!” Stacy grunted. “You’re too heavy! Come out of your rage!”
“I’m cool!” said Cooper. “Cool cool cool. Totally fucking cool. Never been calmer.”
Stacy breathed easier and pulled back on the rope. Satisfied that Cooper wasn’t going to send her flying over the side, Julian let go of her and helped pull the rope. Cooper climbed over the impressively well-crafted railing, and onto the relative safety of the flying island.
“That was quite the entrance,” said a young half-elf in blue sequined robes standing casually by a doorway on the other side of the little patio area they now found themselves in.
“You could have helped,” said Stacy.
“The Crescent Shadow is an exclusive community. The wizards who live here are not often receptive to intruders. If your halfling friend hadn’t intervened on your behalf, or if you hadn’t been so entertaining to watch, they might have Fireballed you out of the sky.”
“Our halfling friend?” said Julian. “Tim’s actually here!” He suddenly realized he’d just gone through a whole lot of effort to now be surprised that it wasn’t all for nothing.
“Oh yes,” said the half-elf. “He’s been hoping you’d arrive. Would any of you care to use the lavatory before you meet him?”
“Thank you,” said Julian. “That would be lovely.” He hadn’t had a lot to drink, but after a traumatic experience like the one they’d just gone through, he’d take whatever kind of release he could get.
“I could stand to freshen up,” said Stacy. She was still sticky with watermelon juice.
“I relieved myself quite a bit on the way up here,” said Cooper. “As a matter of fact, I may never need to shit again.”
Julian, Stacy, and the half-elf who greeted them stared blankly at Cooper.
“I guess I could wash my hands or something.”
Chapter 32
Katherine had no doubt that the beanstalk gambit was the work of someone she knew, but it was happening too far away for anyone to see who was on it, or if they had successfully managed to make it onto the Crescent Shadow. But she remained optimistic. The odds of them being rescued had just taken a sudden spike.
Those odds took another nosedive a short while later, however, when Cooper, Julian, and Stacy were lowered down in cages.
“Katherine!” said Julian through the bars of the right side of his cage. “Dave! Chaz!”
Dave and Chaz nodded. Katherine said, “Hey.”
Stacy looked at Katherine with unmasked disgust. “Why do you look like you just got out of a minstrel show?”
“Whoa!” said Cooper before Katherine could repeat an explanation that sounded dumber every time she said it. “Let’s not go there, huh?”
Katherine hadn’t expected Cooper to stand up for her like that. “It’s okay, Cooper. It was a fair question.”
“It’s just part of your nature. It’s nothing you need to answer for.”
Cooper’s enthusiastic support was beginning to turn sour.
“I’m surprised at you,” Stacy told Cooper. “I know you’re friends, but –”
“Seriously, Cooper,” said Katherine. “What’s wrong with you?”
“What the actual fuck is going on here?”
“You see nothing wrong with me covering my face and hands in black makeup?”
Cooper frowned. “Now that you mention it, that is kind of fucked up. But what does that have to do with menstruating?”
The wind filled a sudden lull in the conversation.
“Can we get back to more immediate concerns?” asked Julian. “In case none of you have noticed, we’re in open cages hanging from an island flying five hundred feet above the ground.”
Katherine hugged Butterbean. “We might have more immediate concerns than that. Chaz and Dave have been here for a day or two already, and they may be dying of thirst.”
“Coop’s got you covered, guys,” said Cooper. “Open wide, Dave!”
For what must have been the hundredth time, Julian shouted, “Cooper! No!” just a little too late.
Dave took an initial blast of water to the face, but the stream went wild very quickly, giving everyone a nice showery mist. Steel clanged
against steel as Cooper’s cage slammed into Stacy’s, knocking her out the open side.
Julian pressed his face against the bars and screamed, “Stacy!”
Fortunately, Stacy had managed to grab hold of the bottom of the cage.
Julian’s shoulders sagged with what looked like exhausted relief. Then he tensed up again and screamed, “Shit!” as the spray of water swung counter-clockwise, and Cooper’s cage came at Julian’s like a speeding freight train.
CRASH
Katherine felt something besides mist on her face. She wiped some of the moisture from her cheek and rubbed it between her fingers. Grit. She looked up and saw tiny pieces of rock shaking loose from the hole Cooper’s chain fed out from.
“Cooper!” shouted Katherine. “Turn that thing off!”
The water stopped gushing, and Cooper held on tight to the bars of his cage until the swinging lessened. He tipped the Decanter of Endless Water over and poured a normal stream onto the bars making up the floor of his cage. The water dripping from the bottom of the cage was distinctly browner.
“I honestly thought I’d gotten it all out of me.”
While Stacy climbed back into her cage, Katherine shook her head at Cooper. “If we survive this, I’m taking that back.”
“That’s a big if,” said a high pitched voice from the observation platform that faced the open sides of their cages. Halfling? Tim?
She had one guess out of two correct. A halfling stood in front of the hole leading into the interior of the island. He wore a bright red hooded cloak. Katherine was reminded of Little Red Riding Hood, and she’d had just about all the fairy tale references she could handle for one day.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Is this the halfling who’s been expecting us?” asked Captain Righteous. He sounded disappointed.
The halfling curtsied. “You may call me Wister.”
“Mordred!” Dave wheezed through his dry throat.
Wister rolled his eyes. “Fine, if you insist on breaking the fourth wall. You know, if you’d remained in character from the beginning, you might not be in the mess you now find yourselves in.”
Cooper snorted. “And if your dick had stayed in your mom for half a second longer, you might have a twelve-fingered kid.”
“Whoa!” said Julian. “Hey now. Let’s everyone just calm down a little.”
“Don’t count on your Diplomacy skill to get you out of this one, Julian,” said Mordred. “Given what we’ve been through, do you have any idea what the Difficulty Class for a Diplomacy check is between you and me?”
“You and me specifically? I thought we were cool.”
Mordred smiled. “We are most certainly not cool. Some day you will learn that your actions have consequences.”
The last thing Katherine needed was a dad lecture from a pompous nerd. “Where is my brother, asshole?”
“He’s right back there,” said Mordred, gesturing into the hole behind him. “He’s been waiting for his friends to come find him. Frankly, I’m surprised any of you bothered to show up.”
“That’s what friends do, fuckhead,” said Cooper. “You might find that out for yourself if you ever have any.”
“So says Cooper, the wonderful friend who abandoned Tim on the road south of Cardinia. Oh yes, I know all about that. Tim and I have been doing a lot of talking since he’s been here.”
“He abandoned me.” Cooper frowned. “Well, it was kind of mutual.”
“I want to see my brother!” said Katherine.
Mordred sneered at her. “Blood is thicker than water. It was an especially nice touch to bring a captain of the Kingsguard with you to hunt down your fugitive brother.”
“It’s not like that. I needed his help getting up here. I was going to ditch him as soon as I found Tim.” Katherine had no idea why she felt compelled to explain herself to this bag of dicks. She hoped Tim could hear her.
Mordred had already lost interest in her, turning his attention to Julian. “And his good friends Julian and Stacy, constantly parking the beef bus in Tuna Town while poor Tim’s been held prisoner here all this time.”
Stacy gave him a ‘What the fuck?’ kind of look. “Does nobody just say fucking anymore?”
“Why are you giving us shit about Tim’s woes?” asked Katherine. “What’s it to you?”
Mordred rolled his eyes. “You know how he is. Get a little drink in the guy, and you can’t shut him up. We’ve gotten pretty well acquainted over the past few days. I’m almost sorry to have to kill him.” He snapped his fingers.
The blue-robed half-elf who’d tricked them into these cages escorted a halfling out onto the observation platform. The halfling was wearing a bag over his head, but those were Tim’s clothes all right, down to the pants with the semi-permanent piss stain around the crotch area. He stumbled as they dragged him forward, dropping to his knees at the edge of the platform when they stopped.
“Don’t you fucking touch him!” Katherine screamed. She balled up her fist, filled with frustration at her inability to back up the threat.
Mordred stood behind Tim and yanked the bag off his head, removing Katherine’s final hope that this all might just be a big bluff. He was gagged, and bruised, and bleeding from his swollen nose. But he was Tim. His wild, terrified eyes locked pleadingly on Katherine’s.
She mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.”
“What do you want, Mordred?” asked Stacy. She was smart and capable, and Mordred had a thing for her. Katherine would forgive her general bitchiness a thousand times over if she could save her little brother.
Mordred smiled at Stacy. “Interesting. What would you be willing to do to save this little parasite’s life? Would you sit by my side as my queen and rule over this world with me?”
Katherine glared at Stacy, prepared to leap from cage to cage and throw that bitch out of hers if she gave the wrong answer.
Stacy looked directly into Mordred’s eyes. “Yes, I would.”
“Well forget it! You had your chance and you blew it!” He pulled a jewel-hilted dagger out from under his cloak, which Katherine recognized as the one that Tanner had given Tim in the sewer. What the hell had happened to Tanner. If he was here, he’d know what to do. All Katherine could do was try to talk him out of it.
“Tim has a lot of problems,” said Katherine. “He’s petty, and selfish, and shallow, and generally an all around piece of shit.”
Mordred frowned. “Are you sure these are the last words you want him to hear you say?”
Stay focused, Katherine. This isn’t for Tim. This is for Mordred, so that these won’t be the last words Tim hears you say. You have to go all in.
“Look at him. He’s pathetic. He’s a good-for-nothing self-loathing drunk. He’s more dried piss and vomit than man. He’s never done a worthwhile thing in his entire wasted life. It’s all been a series of fuck-ups, each one a little more self-destructive than the last.”
Julian cleared his throat. “Um, Katherine...”
Katherine ignored him, staying focused on Mordred. “But you’ve got everything. You’re rich and powerful. You’ve got a whole world that you’re going to rule. You’re literally living the fucking dream. You can do anything you want. Do you really want to stoop down to his level? Because let me tell you, that path does not lead to greatness. With an entire world at your fingertips, do you really want to go through life knowing that, when you had to choose between being the bigger man and making Tim continue his life of misery while you ascended to glory, or being a cowardly piece of shit who was so afraid of a drunk man-child that you murdered him in cold blood, that you chose the latter?”
Mordred pursed his lips and thought for a moment, then looked back up at Katherine. “Yes, I think I can live with that.” He grabbed Tim’s hair and pulled his head back.
“I’m warning you, halfling,” said Captain Righteous. “Your prisoner is a wanted fugitive. He is to be taken to the king alive. If you –”
“Can it, Capt
ain Cockface. I created you and your stupid king. You’d better keep your mouth shut if you don’t want to meet the same fate.” Mordred brought the tip of Tanner’s dagger to Tim’s throat.
Katherine screamed, “NOOOOOO–”
“HORSE!” Julian shouted. A large brown horse appeared on the platform next to Tim and Mordred, silencing everyone for a moment.
Mordred hissed at the horse, which reared up on its hind legs and neighed excitedly. It backed away from Mordred, lost its footing on the edge of the platform, and fell off.
When the sound of equine scream had faded, Mordred cleared his throat. “Let this be a lesson for all of you.” He raked the dagger blade across Tim’s throat.
Tim’s eyes rolled back. Blood spilled down the front of his clothes and spurted out of his neck like crimson ribbons unspooling in the wind.
“TIM!” Katherine cried.
“Do not fuck with the Cavern Master.” Mordred kicked Tim in the back as his half-elven companion let go of him. Tim fell forward, right off the edge of the platform.
Katherine squeezed Butterbean as her dead little brother fell out of sight. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks as she considered the final words he’d heard spoken about him. Did he know she was just trying to save him? Or did he die feeling completely and utterly alone?
She felt everyone’s eyes on her, watching her cry. But Mordred stared at her with a little smirk on his face.
The tear-well had run dry. Katherine felt her chest seizing up like her heart was turning to stone. She felt her fingernails digging into her palms. She glared at Mordred with dry eyes.
“I’m coming for you. I’m going to kill you so fucking hard that it’s going to make today worth it.”
Mordred raised his eyebrows as his smirk disappeared. “I hope for your sake that you don’t,” he said. “Your brother killed me, so I killed him. Now we’re square. I’ll leave you here to think about whether or not you really want to re-tip the scales.” With that, Mordred and his companion walked through the hole in the rock at the back of the platform.
