I’ve always thought Fallon was beautiful, and yeah, we’re good friends, but since she moved into the suite and we’ve seen each other every day, I’ve realized I feel more than friendship for her.
A hell of a lot more.
Pulling back, I let my gaze drift over her before I meet her eyes. “You look breathtaking, Fallon.”
Her lips curve into a smile. “Thanks, Kao.” A nervous expression pulls around her mouth, and she fiddles with the necklace. “You almost look like an adult in the suit.” Then she darts to where Hunter is sitting, and it makes the corner of my mouth lift. Fallon doesn’t get nervous often, and knowing it’s because of me gives me hope that she feels the attraction as well.
The corners of my mouth curve up at the memory. That night Jade and Mila grilled me to ask Fallon on a date, but I was more than happy just holding her in my arms and dancing with her.
At least I have my memories. My eyes drift shut, thinking they’ll have to last me a lifetime.
Chapter 10
FALLON
Dr. Menard is optimistic that he can remove all the scarring. It gives me some hope, but until the surgery in late January, I’ll have to live with them.
The appointment made me feel better, but right now, the loss of Kao is overshadowing everything.
Yesterday the heartache was sharp, but as the initial sting lessened, the ache became unrelenting.
It’s uncanny how you don’t realize how much you love someone until they’re gone.
But Kao’s not gone. He’s here, and it serves as a constant reminder of what I’ve lost. Seeing his flawless face, his striking blue eyes still brings a rush of attraction every time I look at him.
When he laughs with the others, and he talks with them as if nothing has changed, it rips out another piece of my soul.
I know he loved me. Nothing he says will change that belief. But he also blames me for the accident, and I know I’m guilty. Me and my control-freak ways destroyed our relationship before it even had a chance to start.
I don’t think I’ll ever heal from the hole it ripped through my life.
Kao was, is, and will be the only man for me.
Thinking about the empty future stretching ahead of me makes hopelessness grow in my chest.
I’ll never feel his kiss.
I’ll never make love to him.
God, will I even get to hug him again?
“Fallon,” Hana whispers as she sits down next to me.
I shut my eyes against the unrelenting ache that’s slowly driving me insane.
“I can’t, Hana,” I murmur, my voice tight from all the heartache. “I can’t imagine my life without him.”
Hana wraps her arms around me. “I’m sure things will come right between the two of you as soon as he has his sight back,” she tries to reassure me.
Shaking my head, I suck in a trembling breath. “I don’t think so. Kao doesn’t do or say anything without thinking it through. If he felt we could get through this, he wouldn’t have pulled away from me.” Realizing he’s really done with me makes a pain-filled gasp rush over my lips.
My body cramps from the heartache, and all I can do is cry. There’s no relief from the tears.
Only the incessant anguish.
I’ll have to learn to live with it, or at the very least, to pretend I’m fine.
Pulling back from Hana, I get up and walk to the bathroom. I wet a facecloth under the cold water, then press it lightly over the left side of my face, removing all traces that I’ve been crying.
Lifting my gaze to the mirror, I stare at my eyes.
Pull yourself together, Fallon. Life goes on, with or without you.
I now understand why Mila pretended to be okay.
You can do it, too. Chin up. Brave face.
No one has to know you’re dying inside.
“Family fun time,” Jade yells from the living room.
“Come on. We can do with a bit of fun,” Hana says.
I follow her out of the door, and when we walk into the living room, I notice the bottle of whiskey, tumblers, and Jase’s phone on the coffee table.
“Truth or drink?” I ask, while my eyes dart over the open spaces to sit. Usually, I’d go sit next to Kao, and even though there’s space for me, I don’t think it would be a good idea.
I follow Hana and take a seat next to her.
“Tonight’s game is a little different. Would you rather. The arrow will spin and whoever it lands on has a turn to answer. It’s just to ease the tension,” Jase explains.
I watch Mila snuggle into his side, then my eyes move to Hunter and Jade. There’s an intense pang of loss seeing them happy together.
I wanted that with Kao.
“It’s probably going to be inappropriate,” Noah chuckles.
Jase grins. “Of course.” Then he pours a shot of whiskey for everyone.
I’m not a big drinker, but right now, the amber liquid is a welcome relief.
When everyone is ready, Jase presses spin, and the arrow lands on Hunter.
Mila checks her phone, then she lets out a chuckle, “Would you rather live without your girlfriend or your best friend?”
“Fuck,” Hunter grumbles. “I’m in shit no matter what I answer. Can I just drink?”
“Yeah, but you have to down two shots. One for me and one for Jade.”
“How do you figure that?” Hunter asks, right before he downs the first tumbler.
“Oh, it’s just because I want to get your ass drunk,” Jase laughs. He presses spin on the screen again, and it lands on Noah.
The grin on Mila’s face grows as she asks, “Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?”
“Older.” Noah didn’t even have to think about the answer. Reaching over, he presses start, and I begin to grimace as the arrow slows until it stops on me.
Damn.
“Would you rather marry someone you know nothing about or someone from your group of friends?” Mila asks.
This isn’t fun at all.
I force a smile to my face, and looking at Hana, I try to joke, “You want to marry me?”
“Sure,” she grins, wagging her eyebrows at me.
Needing strength to get through this game, I pour myself some whiskey and let the liquid burn down my throat while the arrow stops on Mila.
“Crap,” she mutters under her breath, probably already knowing what the next question is, seeing as she has the list. She scrunches her nose, then reads, “Would you rather have a baby now or never?”
Before she can answer, Jase says, “Guess we’re leaving y’all to go make a baby.”
His reaction draws laughter from us all, and it helps to ease the tension hanging in the air like a suffocating cloud.
When the arrow lands on Kao, my eyes dart between him and Mila.
“Would you rather have sex with a friend or a stranger?”
His eyebrow raises at the question, and not taking a moment to think, which he usually would do, he answers, “A friend.”
“There’s a lot I’d do for you, but that’s a solid hell no,” Noah mutters.
Everyone laughs until Jase asks, “Which one of us?”
Kao tilts his head in Jase’s direction, and his features tighten. “I can’t see shit, so it doesn’t really matter.” Kao gets up, and feeling his way around the couch, I watch as he leaves.
“Well, that didn’t work,” Mila murmurs, a sad frown between her brows.
My eyes dart over my friends, and seeing the strain on their faces makes a new worry grow in me.
Are we going to survive, or will this accident rip us all apart?
KAO
I’ve only been back at the hospital for an hour, and already I’m nauseous from the disinfectant clinging to every surface.
Last night was one of the longest of my life. I kept wavering between feeling hopeful and scared out of my mind.
Dr. Davis checks my eyes, then begins to explain, “You won’t be able t
o see right after the surgery.”
“And after?” Dad asks from where he’s sitting next to the bed.
“Kao,” Dr. Davis addresses me, “you’ll have to wear dark prescription sunglasses, and you’ll have to sleep with the eye shields on to protect the cornea against rubbing. Your eyes will be light-sensitive, and you’ll probably get headaches. At first, you’ll see shades of black and gray. You’ll be able to see a person, but not what they look like. Gradually color and the finer details will return. After two months, you should be able to see well, and your sight will start to settle.”
“How long will the whole process take?” I ask. Dr. Davis sounds confident that I’ll see again, and it stirs hope in my chest.
Maybe.
“Six to twelve weeks,” Dr. Davis answers. He gives my shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll see you in the operating room.”
I nod, and after he’s left, Dad's voice is optimistic as he says, “It all sounds good. How do you feel?”
Too scared to let the hope in. I won’t survive the crushing blow of being blind a second time.
“I’m good,” I lie, even trying to curve my lips into a smile.
After a while, a nurse comes to get me. When I’m lying on a bed in the operating room, and I hear the medical staff move around me, my heartbeat begins to speeds up.
I start to breathe faster and grip the covers tightly.
Fuck. The hope took root. What if it doesn’t work?
Panic builds in my chest as the fear fills my mind.
I feel fingers wrap around my hand. “I’m here, my angel-boy.”
Hearing my godmother’s voice makes a lump rush up my throat. Even though she’s a nurse at this hospital, I didn’t expect her to be present at the surgery.
“Mamma G?” I ask, still not able to believe she’s here.
“You’re going to be just fine,” she assures me. “If your daddy could do it, so can you.”
I nod, feeling so much better now that I know she’ll be here throughout the surgery. It sucks that I have to be awake for the procedure, but with my godmother here, it won’t be as daunting.
“Thanks, Mamma G,” I whisper, gripping her hand tighter. She’s always been the heart of our circle of family and friends, but right now, she’s everything. “Thank you.”
I feel her press a kiss to my hand. “I love you my, angel-boy.”
The procedure begins, and I try to focus on Miss Sebastian’s fingers gripping mine. Every now and then, she gives me a squeeze.
I’m unable to take in any of the medical jargon as Dr. Davis works on my eyes.
Even though he said I won’t see anything right away, I keep hoping to see a flash of light, a shadow… God, anything but this total black pit of hell.
Dr. Davis said the surgery went well. I manage to get some sleep during the night, and when I wake up, it takes me a moment to remember the day before.
“Morning,” I hear Miss Sebastian say happily. “It’s about time you woke up. You almost missed breakfast.” I hear cutlery, and then she asks, “Do you want some coffee, and then we can fight about how much you’ll eat?”
Even though my eyes are painful, I let out a chuckle. “Coffee will be great.”
Miss Sebastian waits for me to sit up, and then she adjusts the bed. Leaning back, I wait for her to hand me the coffee, and after taking a sip, I say, “Thanks for staying, Mamma G.”
“My bedazzled ass wouldn’t let my god-baby go through the surgery all by his lonesome.”
“Mamma G,” Noah grumbles from the couch where he slept, “did you know you snore?”
“I don’t snore!” Miss Sebastian gasps. “I purr.”
Noah lets out a chuckle. “Is there any coffee left?”
“Come get some.”
“Aww… but you made Kao a cup,” Noah complains. “I always knew he was your favorite.”
“Don’t make me get up and wack you into a different blood group,” Miss Sebastian warns. “I love all my god-babies equally.”
I hear her prepare a cup, and then Noah says, “Now I feel loved again.”
“Little bedazzled shit,” Miss Sebastian mumbles, then she turns her attention to me, and her voice is all sweet again as she says, “Time to eat.”
Not having much of an appetite, I ask, “What’s for breakfast?”
“Just toast. But lunch will be a whole different scenario,” she warns.
“Are you staying the whole day?”
“I’m working the night shift for a co-worker that’s on maternity leave. I took off yesterday for you, so my bedazzled ass needs to be back at work tonight.”
Warmth spreads through my chest. “God, could I love you anymore?”
I hear the door, and then Dad says, “Morning. Wow, Miss Sebastian, it looks like something exploded in your hair.”
“Don’t start with me so early, Marcus. The ICU is only a couple of floors down.”
I begin to laugh, loving it when she and Dad get into it with each other.
They keep bantering with each other until Dr. Davis walks into the room. The air instantly shifts from playful to tense.
I hear movement around the room, as Dr. Davis asks, “How do you feel today, Kao?”
Nervous as fuck.
“Besides the pain, I feel okay.”
“Like I said yesterday, the surgery went well. You’ll feel pain and irritation for some time. I’m going to remove the bandages today. During the first couple of days, the lights have to be dimmed, and the curtains closed to protect the cornea.”
“How long will I have to do that?” I ask.
“A week at most. Wear sunglasses when you’re outside. You might be sensitive to light. It differs from person to person.”
Dr. Davis’s fingers brush around my head as he begins to remove the bandage, and it sends my heart rate shooting through the ceiling. I feel Miss Sebastian’s fingers grip mine, and I hold onto her for dear life.
“Remember, you might not see much, only shades of black and gray.”
“Okay,” I breathe the word out through my anxiety. Anything would be better than just the constant black.
Suddenly, apprehension fills my chest until it feels like the life is being squeezed out of me, and I almost call out for him to wait.
But then Miss Sebastian grips my hand tighter in both of hers, and I feel Dad’s hand on my shin.
God. Please.
When the bandages are off, I keep my eyes closed.
I feel Dr. Davis’ fingers on my right eyelid, and then he carefully pulls it up. A flash of gray slams the breath from my lungs. It was only for a moment. The flash is dimmer on my left side.
“Open your eyes,” Dr. Davis instructs.
I begin to tremble from my emotions being all over the place, and when I slowly lift my lashes, there’s nothing.
I begin to blink, and then I see dark shadows.
“Kao?” I hear the worry in Dad’s voice.
“It’s like I’m looking through a murky cloud of dark shadows,” I try to explain as best I can.
“Every day it will get better,” Dr. Davis assures me.
I glance in his direction, and when I manage to see the dark outline of a person, a breath shudders out of me. “Is that you, Dr. Davis?”
“Yes.”
While Dr. Davis covers my eyes with the prescribed sunglasses, I alternate between feeling hopeful and worry that my vision won’t recover enough for me to regain my independence.
One thing at a time, Kao. Take today as a win.
Chapter 11
FALLON
I stare at the update from Noah that just came through. They’re on their way home. Noah’s been sending me messages since Kao went back to the hospital. He’s amazing for letting me know what’s happening, but it’s hard. I wish I could be with Kao.
Earlier, Noah said Kao could see shadows. It was such good news, but it was overshadowed by the fact that I can’t celebrate with Kao.
I know he said we should be friends
, but how am I suppose to be casual around him? I can’t pretend I don’t love him.
“Fallon,” Hunter calls, ripping me out of my thoughts. “You have visitors.”
I take a deep breath and force a smile to my face before I leave my room. When I walk into the living room and see my brother, Forest, it becomes harder to smile.
“Hey.” There’s a caring look on Forest’s face as he comes to hug me. He might be a year younger than me, but he’s so tall, I barely reach his shoulder. In a way, he’s always been my big brother.
I wrap my arms around him and give myself a moment to enjoy the safety I feel in his embrace. When I pull back, I smile at Aria and Carla, Hunter and Jase’s sisters. “What are you all doing here?”
“We wanted to see how you’re doing,” Forest explains.
Forest, Aria, and Carla are close like I am with Jase, Hunter, and Hana. But next year, the three of them will start at Trinity, and then we’ll all probably become one big group.
Jase throws an arm around his little sister and asks, “How’s school.”
Carla glances up at him and shrugs, “Still sucks. I can’t wait to start here.”
Her answer draws a chuckle from Jase. “Yeah? Wait until you get your first assignments, and you’ll be singing a different tune.”
“I’m the clever one,” she sasses her brother.
“Keep lying to yourself,” he taunts her.
When we all keep standing, Hunter says, “Sit, guys.”
I plop down on the nearest couch and watch as Forest waits for Aria to sit before he takes the seat next to her.
That used to be Kao and me.
Forest locks eyes with me for a second, and then his gaze moves to my cheek. “How do you feel?”
“I’m okay,” I lie. “The stitches are coming out next week.”
“Dad said Dr. Menard will be able to fix the cuts,” he mentions.
“Yeah, the doctor is optimistic.”
It’s so hard to act normal, to communicate, to smile. I wish I could crawl into my bed and just stay there.
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