"Who was he?" I asked again.
"Anybody," she said. "She thinks she's getting back at my father by being a tramp herself, but she ain't. He's long gone and she's outta his mind for sure. I don't know who started it first. Maybe she did. Maybe that got him started. I don't know."
"Started what?"
"Doing it with other men and women even though they was married."
"Your father womanized," I said. The word came back to me as if Ian had been there whispering in my ear.
"Yeah, he womanized. You know about that, do you?"
"My mother found out my father did it," I said. "That's why they had the fight and my mother wanted to get a divorce."
She turned, "Oh, yeah? What happened then?"
"My grandmother came to see us. We were up in the cabin in the Poconos and she talked my mother into giving my father another chance. We went home with her, and my father went up there to talk."
"To lie to each other some more is all," Alanis said bitterly. "So, they got back together, did they?"
"They were supposed to," I said. 'But that's when they got into the automobile accident. Ian said it was Grandmother Emma's fault, because she called and told them about Ian and the Sister Project. They came rushing home in a storm and crashed."
Alanis was silent so long that I thought she might have fallen asleep.
"No matter who you are or how much money you have, bad things still happen," she said. "If all this bad stuff happened to a girl like you, what chance do I got?"
"Maybe your father will come back for you someday," I said. I wanted her to have hope. She sounded so terribly sad.
"It's no different than your mother being in a coma. He might as well be in ant, too. I ain't holding my breath. and I don't know if I would go off with him anyway. He don't want a girl my age on his tail.
"I'll tell you this," she said after a moment. "as weird as it sounds, your great-aunt even though she's bonkers is nicer than my family. I hope she lets me stay here all year."
"She will," I said.
"Yeah, but that chauffeur might not like it and he might tell your grandmother and they'll make me leave."
"I'll tell them you have to stay," I said.
"You would?"
"No lies, no secrets," I said, and even in the dark. I could see her smile.
"Okay," she said. I'll tell you a big secret, and it will be just between us. My best friends don't know it, but you're my best, best friend."
I held my breath in anticipation. What possible secret could she have? Had she done something terrible? Did I want to know? My ears cringed in anticipation. If it was something horrible. I wouldn't be able to sleep next to her.
"You ready?"
"Yes," I said weakly.
"I never did it with any boy," she said. "I come close, but never did yet."
"Did what?"
"Did what? You kidding? What have we been talking about? Took some tadpoles into me," she added and laughed. "I swear, you are just a sweet child after all."
She got serious quickly.
"Don't tell anyone what we saw in the basement."
"I wouldn't."
"It's 'cause of her my granddad is so hard on me. He thinks that's the way to keep me from being her. I'll never be her," she vowed.
We were both quiet. I didn't know whom I should feel sorry for more, myself or her. Finally. I decided that as bad as ever thing was for me. I should feel sorrier for her. My mother was in a coma. but I would never say I didn't want to be just like her. I always wanted to be just like her.
Without anyone to love and want to be like, you were really alone. I thought.
Sleep started to seep into my body from every direction. I welcomed it as I would a warm bath on a cold day. I sank quickly into my own safe darkness, just barely hearing Alanis whisper. "Good night."
Both of us forgot to set my alarm clock for the morning, but Great-aunt Frances didn't forget.
"Girls, girls, girls,' she cried at the foot of the bed. "Rise and shine."
Alanis groaned and sat up slowly. "I guess I need Granddad every school morning after all," she said and slipped out of bed. She stood there for a moment looking at me. "Listen," she said, "in the middle of the night. I thought I heard what you said you heard."
"What?"
"Sobbing. It sounded like it was coming from above us. I tried to listen, but I fell asleep. Don't go telling me it's a ghost," she added quickly.
"Well. what is it?"
"I don't know. Maybe you just put the idea in my head. Go on to the bathroom first. I can wait," she said.
I did, but when I came out, she was returning from down the hall.
"My mother never told me what was up here," she said. "There's a whole other bedroom and bath just down the ball."
"That's Grandmother Emma's room."
"So? She ain't here. She's never here, and you said she was in a hospital anyway,"
"Great-aunt Frances doesn't want anyone to use it."
"That's stupid. I already did anyway," she said and marched into the bedroom to finish dressing, "We just won't tell her. Don't worry. I'll keep it clean." she said as she dressed. "Here, put this on," she told me and tossed me her hat.
"But this is yours."
"Just take it. Don't worry about it. I think you'll look cute in it," she said.
I put it on slowly and looked at myself in the mirror. "See?" she said. "I was right."
I did like how it looked on me.
"I'm not wearing it in school." I warned.
She laughed. "That's okay. Just don't lose it, C'mon. Let's get some breakfast. I'm hung this morning."
Afterward, when we stepped onto the bus, we found Stuart sitting in front next to another boy. He glanced quickly at us and looked away.
"Hi, Stuart," Alanis said anyway. "Did you get excited this morning? Rile up your tadpoles?"
He wouldn't answer or look at us. Alanis laughed, and the bus driver told us to get seated. As we continued. Stuart stole a glance at me. and I felt sorry for him. When we arrived at school, he got off the bus quickly and disappeared in the crowd of other students getting off other buses.
"Chances are Stuart will not join us for lunch today," Alanis said.
I took off her hat as we entered the building. She didn't want it back. She told me to hold on to it until lunch.
"They don't mind you wearing a hat in the cafeteria,," she said. "I'd like other boys to think about you, and you look cute in it, cuter than I do," she said.
Mrs. Morgan collected our homework this time as soon as we started the school day. We were given another assignment to read in history and made to write out answers to questions while she reviewed our work. When she passed our papers back. I saw she had given me a very low mark.
"Did someone help you with your homework the first night?" she asked, "Is that why it was so much better than this?"
"No, Mrs. Morgan. I did it all myself both times,"
"Humph," she said and moved on. I could see from the smiles on the faces of some of the other girls in the class that they were happy I hadn't done well. None of them had said anything nice to me yet even after they had read my autobiography. Meanness seemed to be in the air we all breathed.
Alanis was right about Stuart. He sat with some of his friends across the cafeteria. When Nikki and Raspberry asked about him. Alanis told them he had snuck aver to my great-aunt's house for dinner. She then told them she had moved in to live with me. They didn't believe her until I told them it was true,
"I was wondering why you gave her your hat," Nikki said. "I thought you were born with it on and it was attached to your
"I didn't have to pay her to move in." Alanis snapped at her. "I don't have to buy friends. She asked me to, and so did her great-aunt, but she looks pretty good in it, doesn't she?"
Nikki nodded reluctantly.
"So why isn't Stuart sitting with us?" Raspberry pursued.
Alanis looked at me, smiled, then told them abo
ut my book and what she had tried to do. They sat glued to her every word, only she made it sound as if Stuart wanted to be with her and not with me.
"As you know, I wouldn't waste my time with a boy that inexperienced." she told them.
"I'd like to see that book." Raspberry said. "Soon."
"Why don't we all meet in the basement tonight?"
"We can't. We can't ever go back to the basement," Alanis told them.
"Why not?"
I looked at her, wondering what she would say.
"Her great-aunt got suspicious and found one of the alcopops we missed. She said she wouldn't tell anybody if we promised never to have a secret party down there again."
"Oh. That's too bad." Nikki said.
"Sucks." Raspberry added.
"We'll figure out another place soon. Don't worry," Alanis told them.
I didn't say anything, but all the while I kept my gaze on the table and my food. Alanis swims in a pool of lies, I thought. She even has to lie to her, friends. I didn't know how to express it then, but in my heart of hearts, I knew she lied even to herself.
When we arrived home that afternoon. Greataunt Frances invited us to watch the soap opera she had described to me my first day. I wanted to get to another letter from Ian and then right to my
homework so I could do better than I had. Alanis decided to watch television. We both saw that Greataunt
Frances hadn't cleaned up after lunch. Jars were still open, and dishes were still on the table. Alanis said she would take care of it.
Taking advantage of the opportunity for privacy. I hurried up to Grandmother Emma's room and took out Ian's bag of letters. Then I sat on the floor with my back to the bed and opened the next one.
.
Dear Jordan,
As you know I don't form friendships easily. I find friends to be a distraction and most of the time, a waste of my time, but I have formed a friendship with another boy here because he needs me. They have been telling him that he is eating away at himself harming himself cutting- himself even burning himself He has marks all over his legs and his arms.
I studied them carefully and I had to inform him that he is being attacked daily by Cimex lectularius, more well known as bedbugs. I explained how they don't fly but they can move over floors, walls and ceilings rapidly. They lay whitish eggs about the size of a dust particle so they can't be seen without a microscope. He didn't realize who they were because as they grow they shed their skin five times. He was shocked to learn that they are disguised as the janitors and cleaning ladies here. While he is asleep, they feed on him. I explained how their bites are impossible to feel.
Yesterday, he refused to come out of his room and he wouldn't let any of the cleaning personnel into it. They forced him out and then they took him upstairs and gave him some medication, I'm sure. I haven't seen him for two days, but I realized if they didn't have him to feed upon, they might start on me, so I stuffed my blanket and some paper under the door and blocked every possible opening. It might not work.
I told Dr. Walker about it and he promised he would keep them away from me. But this morning I found a bite on my arm. I'll try to write to you faster. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to before they take me upstairs, too. If my letters stop coming, you will know it happened.
And you will know it our Grandmother's fault.
Ian
.
I quickly opened the next letter.
.
Dear Jordan,
I have made an incredible breakthrough.
I have found a way to speak to our mother. I have been working on developing this skill for a long time, even before I was brought here, but ironically it is because I was brought here and left alone so much that I have been able to complete my effort to achieve what is called telepathy. I know it a big word for you and you will be scared that you won't understand, but I'll make it simple. It means talking with only your brain. You think and the other person hears it. It's like sending- a radio signal. You know you can hear the radio but you can't see the signal.
To do this you have to be able to concentrate so hard your brain is sending out the words through the air. Because Mother is in a coma, she can't talk and this is the only -way she can be heard and only someone like me who has developed the ability to do telepathy can hear her.
Don't worry.I'll tell youwhat she says and what she wants you to know and to do, okay?
After I speak with her and tell her everything, I'll listen to what she has to say and I'll write it down and send it to you.
Ian
.
I sat there trembling all over. It was possible that in some or all of the letters that remained, my mother would be speaking to me. I hoped she would tell me what I should do and when we would all be together again. Perhaps everything I dreamed of happening would soon happen and all because Ian had learned how to speak with her. My brother was wonderful.
"Hey." I heard Alanis call. I moved quickly to hide my letters and just scurried to the door when she appeared. "What are you doing in here? I thought this room was out of bounds for us."
I didn't know what to say. Lying didn't come as easily to me as it did to her.
"You hid those letters from your brother in here, didn't you?" she asked. smiling. "It's okay." she said quickly. "I don't mind, but you have to promise you'll tell me about them or show them to me one day. okay?"
I nodded.
She looked about the room and shook her head. "What a waste. A good part of this house is a waste." She smiled. "I couldn't watch that show with your grandmother too much longer. She talks to the characters as if she expects them to hear her, as if she's right in the same room. 'No, don't tell him that. No, don't go in there.' she cries and then she moans and gasps. I never saw anyone watch television like that. I guess she likes all the make-believe and that's why she wants to wear those funny costumes for dinner and pretend this and that." Her face turned hard. mean. "It's all just a bunch of lies, you know, the soap operas, the pretend dinners, lies. See? Everyone lies."
"No, it's not the same for her. It's different," I said.
"Why? How's it any different? It's not the truth, not real."
I struggled for an answer. The effort brought tears to my eyes. "Forget about it," she said. "I don't care."
"It's not the same as lying," I insisted.
"Okay. okay."
"It's not the same because... because she isn't hurting anyone. It's not mean."
Alanis shrugged. "Maybe, but this house is full of lies," she said. "Just like mine."
"Why do you say that?"
She looked around Grandmother Ernma's room, "This room, for example. It's being kept the best of any room for your grandmother, but she doesn't come here. She probably forgot what it looks like. Telling you it's reserved for her is a lie. It's pretending again, and that does hurt because we could really use this room!" she added. "So remember, don't tell her I'm using the bathroom. Besides. Jordan, something isn't a lie if you don't mention it. right? You're not lying to her unless she asks you if I'm using it. She doesn't do much, if any, cleaning, so she won't find out anyway.
"C'mon. Let's go read our book," she said and started out.
I looked back at the closet where I had hidden Ian's letters and followed, regretting that I hadn't been able to get to the next one.
"What's this door?" she asked and tried to open it. "It's locked."
"I know."
"Well, what is it?" She tugged on the handle, then knelt down to peek through the keyhole. "I can't see anything."
"Great-aunt Frances doesn't want anyone going in there. I guess." I replied, stating the obvious.
"Why not?" She stepped back and thought as she looked over the hallway and the ceiling. "You know what I think this is?"
I shook my head.
"I think it's the way to get to the attic."
"Then maybe it's just not safe to go up there and that's why it's locked." I said.
; "Maybe." She pondered a moment, then shrugged. "Let's go read. We're going to China tonight."
"China? What do you mean?"
"Your great-aunt told me she's sending my granddad for Chinese food. We're going to Hong Kong or something. She has the costumes already laid out for us on her bed. I don't know if we're watching television or the television is watching us," she added and laughed.
While I started on my homework, this time determined to do well. Alanis returned to the book and sprawled on our bed to read.
"Don't you have any homework?" I asked her.
She didn't answer. She was so absorbed in what she was reading that I might as well not have been there. She didn't even hear Great-aunt Frances come to our room with the dresses in her arms. She was already wearing hers. a Chinese silk dress with an embroidered bird across the bodice. As with other costumes she wore, she was unable to pull up the zipper to the top, and the dress hung on her shoulders.
The moment Alanis saw her, she closed the book. She didn't have to worry, because Great-aunt Frances obviously thought it was some schoolbook.
"I don't mean to interrupt you kids doing your schoolwork. but I thought you'd like to choose from these three," she said and put the dresses on the foot of the bed. Then she pressed her hands together, bowed, and shuffled in her slippers out of our bedroom.
Alanis turned to me and broke into laughter.
We looked at the dresses. Alanis decided to wear the long dress with a red cherry blossom pattern and thought I'd look better in the green, sleeveless mini-dress with the dragon and phoenix pattern. On me, it was well below the knees. and I needed only a few safety pins to keep it on.
We laughed at each other in the mirror.
"I don't look so bad. you know. I can tell you this." she said. "This is a lot more fun than eating at my house."
When her granddad arrived with the take-out Chinese food, however, he looked very angry.
"You don't belong here. Alanis," he told her. "I want you to come home."
"I don't have a home." she replied. "Besides. I'm in China now. It takes a long time to get home."
She hurried away to set the table and pretend with Great-aunt Frances.
Her granddad looked at me with heavy eves. "'Watch yourself," he warned and left.
I wished I could tell him it would all be fine, that Alanis was happier here and we were becoming good friends. We wouldn't get into any more trouble, and maybe she would even do better at school. Greataunt Frances certainly enjoyed her company.
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