by E. C. Land
It’s one of the things I was drawn to when I first met him. I remember watching him walk into Outlaw Racks like it were yesterday. Lynsdey and I were finally in a good place after everything Jake put us both through. Working for Kenny helped, she became a close friend almost instantly. Kenny never really acted like a boss and treated everyone like a friend even the bitches that came in acting like they wanted a job. The only time you saw her turn into a bitch was when you go to screw her over. That day the club came into Outlaw Racks though, I saw the men come in. At first, I’d been a little nervous considering my past but then I glance at him, and I knew I wanted him to touch me. Looking him over from head to toe, I could appreciate a man who knew how to wear a pair of jeans. But what really got me were his eyes. The haunted look he carried in them. His eyes spoke more than anything and when they connected with my own, I’d been a goner. Hell, I still am.
Turning my head back around, I move to get out of the bed without waking him up. The bathroom’s calling for me. I definitely don’t wanna breathe dragon breath in his face. Seriously, who wants that? I also need coffee. I’ve never been one for the stuff but recently, it’s grown on me and I like to have at least one cup.
Finishing up in the bathroom, I quickly run a brush through my hair, placing it on top of my head in a messy bun. Throughout the entire process, I refuse to look in the mirror. I don’t need to see what I look like; I already know. Before everything, I used to take a good thirty to forty-five minutes making sure I looked good. I guess you could say I’d been a little conceded. Now, though, I couldn’t care less. My nails are short from my biting them. My hair is a hot mess in itself. I don’t need a mirror to know my roots are a quarter way showing. I honestly don’t give a damn anymore. Granted, I loved my purple hair, it’s the reason Rage started calling me Lavender.
Shaking my head, I walk out of the bathroom, glancing over to the bed where Rage is still asleep. I’m sure he won’t be for much longer, especially once he smells the coffee. Once the coffee pot is ready, I press the ‘brew’ button. While waiting, I take my first real look around the kitchen. I’ve been here for a little more than twenty-four hours and I haven’t had a chance to take it in. I’m in awe of how beautiful it is. Then it hits me, this is my kitchen. I love to cook anything from Carolina style BBQ to Baked Spaghetti. All the appliances look like the ones you’d find on the show ‘Chopped’. A smile pulls at my lips thinking about the many times I’d curl up in Rage’s arms to watch them race to make the best dish. Never once did Rage complain about it.
The beeping from the coffee pot lets me know it’s ready and draws me from my thoughts. Not knowing where the coffee cups are, I grab the one I used yesterday out of the sink. Nothing wrong with using a day-old cup long as you rinse it out good. I make my cup and head out on to the back porch to enjoy the fresh air since there are no chairs to sit on inside. I guess today we have to go look for the furniture we were supposed to have gotten yesterday.
Instead, he’d taken me to get the most amazing tattoo started. I can’t wait to see the finishing product. It’s the only thing I want to see in a mirror. I’m going to have to get Rage to put lotion on it this morning. You’d think it would be more tender considering the amount of work that Burner did but other than being a tad sore, it doesn’t bother me in the least.
Sitting down on the steps, I hold my coffee cup with both hands taking in the view. It’s beautiful. I don’t know whether it has to do with telling Rage everything I did last night or if it’s something else but for the first time since that night, I can breathe even if it’s a little bit. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over losing our child. I like to imagine it was a little boy that had his daddy’s magnificent green eyes. It hurts not being able to know if the baby was a boy or girl. It wouldn’t have mattered either way. I wish more than anything that I could carry a child still, but the extent of damage done to my body left me unable to do so. Sucking in a breath, I try to keep the tears at bay. I told Rage all I’m willing to tell him about what happened. He doesn’t need to know the severity of the rest. The parts that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
“Lave, babe, what are you doing out here?” I jump at Rage’s voice. I didn’t hear him come outside. Turning my head, I notice he’s only wearing a pair of low riding sweats.
“I’m just enjoying the view while drinking my coffee.”
“Your mug is empty, babe. Want me to refill it for you?” he says, holding his hand out for it.
“No, I can do it. Sit and drink your coffee, I’ll be right back.” I stand to get up.
“Okay.” Is all he says as I move past him.
Inside, I pour myself another cup and head back out. If we’re gonna do this, live together, maybe we can get some outdoor furniture as well. It’d be nice to have a swing or something to sit on instead of the steps.
Sitting back down next to him, we quietly sip our own coffees for a few minutes, taking in the peacefulness around us. Looking at the trees, the wind makes the tops of them dance back and forth.
“How does your back feel this morning?”
“It’s nothing too bad, a little sore, nothing I can’t handle. Besides who could be sore after sleeping in such an amazing bed. The headboard is gorgeous.”
“I’m glad you like it so much since I carved the headboard myself. Want me to put some lotion on it before we head out?”
“If you don’t mind, but what do you mean you carved it?” I ask shocked at him nonchalantly throwing in the fact he designed something so beautiful.
“When it comes to you, I’d do anything you needed me to do, and as for the headboard, yeah I wanted you to have some special no one else would have,” He smirks drawing a small smile to my face.
“Then let’s finish our drinks so we can get started. We have a lot to get done today. I’m still not sure about this but I want to give it a try. I really do. I’m just a little leery.” I say quietly changing the subject. Right now I’m unable to focus on what he just told me. I just can’t.
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s too good to be true,” I tell him honestly.
“Lavender, there’s nothing, and I mean nothing, I want more than you in my life. You’re it for me, always have been. From the first time I saw you across the bar, eye fuckin’ me, you’ve been it,” he says, turning his body to face me completely.
“I’m scared you’ll regret being with me when I can’t give you anything other than myself. And that I won’t be enough for you. You’re gonna want to have kids and I can’t physically carry one. Not anymore.” Tears fall down my cheeks.
“Babe, you will always be enough for me. No matter what. If we decide we want to have kids then we can talk about our options. You saying you can’t physically carry one doesn’t mean we can’t get a surrogate or hell, we can adopt maybe even become foster parents. There are plenty who need a good home,” Rage says gently, wiping the tears from my face.
This man is more than I could ever ask for.
“Okay,” I whisper, taking a breath.
“Good, now let’s go get ready. I’d like to be sitting on a fuckin’ couch tonight,” he says, standing up before holding his hand out to help me.
“Then let’s get to it.” I give him a smile.
“Are you fuckin’ kidding me? Babe, seriously, just pick a damn set and be done with it. For fuck’s sake, stop askin’ me which one I like better. I couldn’t care less what it looks like long as it’s not flowery or pink. All it needs to be is comfortable for me to sit my ass on when I’m watching the Steeler’s whip the Patriots asses,” Rage mutters becoming frustrated at the fact I can’t make my mind up on getting the three-set with the recliner or getting a sectional that has the reclining couch.
“If you’d just pick between the two of these we would be done already.” I put my hands on my hips annoyed at the fact he won’t help me pick. I’ve already picked everything else out furniture wise for the house. I found a beautiful little four-s
eater kitchen table and a dining room table that seats twelve. I also picked out a coffee table with matching end tables. Shoot, I even found a lamp set that would look amazing in the living room. The bases of them are teal and black swirl. I loved them the second I spotted ’em. Now, if he’d just pick between the two sets, we’d be done already.
“It doesn’t matter to me which one, it’s whatever you want.”
“Ugh . . . fine, let’s go with the 3 piece set, it would look better in the living room anyway,” I say turning to walk away.
“Works for me. Let’s get this all finished up. We still got to go get you some more clothes and shit, then go to the grocery store.”
“I don’t need any more clothes. I have plenty at the house. You know, the ones you packed and put in the closet,” I tell him sarcastically. I mean, I know I lost some weight but what I have will work.
“Lave, you need clothes that fit, not just some pants that require a tight belt to stay up. Since being in this damn store alone you’ve had to pull your damn pants up more than once. So, we’re gonna go grab you some more shit, got me?”
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from snapping at him. He’s already spending enough money on all the furniture for the house we’re getting today, he doesn’t need to be buying me clothes when I don’t need it. I can gain the weight back. Long as I eat, which I have no doubt he will be sure of.
“I asked you if you got me, babe?” Rage growls out grabbing me by my waist. He’s been doing that more today, touching me. Not much but enough for me to notice.
“I got you Rage, I still don’t see the need to go spend more money than we have to when you’re about to drop a good amount in here.”
“I don’t give a damn about the money. I’ve got plenty of it saved up. Even after buying the house,” he says, leaning down to press his forehead against mine. “Let me do this, Lavender. I want to take care of you and if it means getting you clothes that fit, then so fuckin’ be it.”
“Okay, Rage,” I whisper, my stomach feeling like it’s doing somersaults. When he says things like that, I can’t help giving in. With everyone else, Rage is a hard man to be around but with me, he’s always shown me a different side of himself.
“Good, now let’s get this handled. I’m gonna get Ace and Shadow to come to pick it up and take it to the house.”
“Ace and Shadow, who are they?” I ask lifting my brows. I don’t think I’ve ever met them.
“Prospects.”
“Oh, ok.”
“You’ve met Ace but not Shadow.”
“I don’t know who either of them are but I guess since I’m back, I’ll meet them at some point.”
“Yeah, Lave, you will. When you are ready to go to the club, I’ll take you to see everyone. I know the Ol’ Ladies are dying to see you,” he says, giving my hand a squeeze.
“I don’t think I’m ready to face them yet. They probably think I’m weak for everything, you know with what I tried to do and then leaving without a word to them.”
Rage doesn’t respond right away but gives me a weird look like I’m missing something then proceeds to pay for everything, informing them of who will be by to pick it up shortly.
When we get in the truck, Rage starts the engine, however, instead of putting it in reverse to head out, he turns to me. “Lavender, do you remember when Izzy was at the Stoney’s club?” I nod remembering something happened though I stayed in my room, refusing to come out, not wanting to be around anyone. After Twister and everyone from here left, I’d finally come out.
No one ever spoke a word about what has been going on when was around though. I never asked either. “It’s not my story to tell but you might want to talk to Izzy. Out of all the ol’ ladies, she’d understand you more than anyone. She’s been through hell and back. I’ll tell you that much and I’ll also tell you those women miss the fuck out of you. There’s no way they could be pissed or think of you as weak for what you attempted to do. Fuck, babe, you’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met besides my mom and those women. Hell, you’re probably stronger,” he murmurs while pushing a loose strand of hair that has fallen from my messy bun out of my face.
Maybe I should reach out to the girls. I know Lynsdey’s been through hell, same as Kenny. I don’t know about Izzy since I wasn’t here, and I should’ve been. I’m a shitty friend for not being here when she needed her friends. I should’ve gone to her when she’d been up at Stoney’s club. Fuck a donkey, I’m a horrible person for cutting them out of my life like I did. All three of them would’ve been there for me like I’d have been for them.
I need to make things right with all three of them, let them back in. I hope they can forgive me.
10
Cleo
The rest of the afternoon seemed to fly by. Rage drove us to my favorite store and even with my protests, we left with several bags full of everything from new jeans, t-shirts, yoga pants, and more. I tried to put things back when he wasn’t looking only to find him picking something else up. I even got some new panties and bras. I drew the line when he went to the cosmetic section. I don’t need or want any of those things. At least not right now. I love my make-up, especially eyeliner and mascara. I’m just not ready to get back to wearing it. The mere thought of getting dolled up turns my stomach. Yes, dolled up. Girly, sexy, hot, call it any of those names, it’s all the same. I used to love it but it drew a lot of attention my way, attention I don’t care to ever draw again.
Now, we're at the grocery store, working our way through, aisle by aisle. We’ve already filled one cart. That’s what happens when you have a completely empty kitchen.
“Lave, how much more shit do we need?”
“We’ve only been through half the store and still haven’t gotten to the meats yet, Rage.”
“Fuck, at this rate, you’re gonna buy out the whole damn store.”
“It’s not my fault we need food in the house for me to cook, otherwise, we’d survive on coffee alone,” I say picking up flour and sugar.
“Cleo,” someone screams from down the other end of the aisle.
I jump, nearly dropping the items to the floor. Looking up, Kenny is speed walking toward us pushing her own cart. She has an infant carrier in the middle of it. My heart starts to pound. I’m not ready for this. The last time I saw her, she’d still been pregnant with her little boy, and now, I’m about to come face to face with the reality. Both her and Lynsdey have given birth to healthy babies— while I lost my own child in the same time period.
Sucking in a breath, I finally speak up. “Hey, Kenny.”
“Hey? That’s all you have for me, bitch?” Kenny says, putting her hands on her hips like she’s pissed at me. I don’t blame her for it either. I open my mouth to respond but she beats me to it. Pulling me into her arms, hugging me as she whispers, “God, I can’t believe you’re home. Finally, you wouldn’t believe everything that has happened.” When she pulls back, she smiles. “You’re coming to the clubhouse tonight. We need to have girl time and catch up. Lynsdey and Izzy will be pissed to know I saw you before they did. We’ve missed you so much, Cleo, please come tonight.”
Looking over to Rage for help, I don’t want to hurt Kenny but I’m not ready to go there yet.
“I don’t know about tonight, Kenny,” Rage speaks up— thank God.
“Oh, for the love of llama spit, Rage, you’ve had her to yourself the last two days. Yeah, we knew you went to get her. Your momma even called all of us laughing about what you did. Carrying Cleo out of the clubhouse in a fireman hold. Seriously. Talk about dramatic much. Swear the lot of you are nothing more than cavemen. Do we need to invest in clubs for you to beat each other with next or would it just be easier to piss a circle around us? No, you’re coming tonight, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. We want time with our girl. You hear me?” In Kenny fashion, she doesn’t wait for a response from either of us. “Don’t make me come find you guys.” She throws that last line over her shoulder, steering
her cart back down the aisle.
I don’t know what to say as Rage and I stand there. Kenny is a force to be reckoned with when she wants to be and damn if I don’t believe her about not coming to find us if we don’t show up tonight.
“Guess we’re going to the clubhouse tonight,” I say looking up to Rage’s face. The shit-eating grin he has right now says it all.
“Might as well get it over with. You know those girls will do exactly what she said. Should’ve known you couldn’t keep them away forever, babe,” Rage murmurs, placing a kiss to the top of my head. God, the more he touches me the more my body is reminded of his gentleness and it warms me all over. I shake my head— I don’t need to be having any kind of thoughts about him warming my body. That will lead to wondering about other things I’m sure as hell not ready for.
Turning back around, I start moving again, ready to get this trip over with.
We spend the rest of the time joking and laughing as he takes my mind off what’s to come later on. Finally making our way to the registers, we work together to unload everything from the carts. I cringe when the cashier tells us the total. Maybe I did go overboard a little. Groceries aren’t cheap, that's for sure.
“Come on, babe, let’s get this shit home and relax a little. We’ve got some time to kill before we head to the clubhouse. The prospects should be at the house unloading all the furniture too. So, you’ll be able to tell them exactly where you want it. Hell, they can even unload the damn groceries too,” Rage says after paying.
Once everything is loaded into the back of the truck, we make it to the house in record time. Rage was right, the prospects are there unloading a moving truck with our new furniture inside. Getting out of the truck, I go to start grabbing groceries.
“Leave it, babe, let the prospects get them.”
