by Jon Scieszka
This is going to be good, I thought. I turned and looked at my mother. She was staring up at Gary and then she winced. I turned back to watch Gary, but he was gone and all I heard was a bloodcurdling scream. A little later we heard the ambulance. And that night Mom was in such a great mood, she baked her special-occasion red velvet cake with chocolate icing. And I got busy writing Gary a get-well-soon card. I was sure his spine would heal just fine and he’d return to us soon. I’d be waiting for him. Now that I had one souvenir in my journal, I was ready for another. Perhaps a tooth, or a toe tip, or a bit of earlobe—something that my mother would never understand.
* * *
ABOUT GUYS READ
Guys Read funny stuff. And you just proved it. (Unless you just opened the book to this page and started reading. In which case, I feel bad for you because you’ve missed some pretty funny stuff.)
Now what?
Now we keep going—Guys Read keeps working to find good stuff to read, you read it and pass it along to other guys. Here’s how we can do it.
For ten years, Guys Read has been at www.guysread.com, collecting recommendations of what guys really want to read. We have gathered thousands of great funny books, scary books, action books, illustrated books, information books, wordless books, sci-fi books, mystery books, and you-name-it books.
So what’s your part of the job? Simple: you read more, try out some of the suggestions at guysread.com, try some of the other stuff written by the authors in this book, then let us know what you think. Tell us what you like to read. Tell us what you don’t like to read. The more you tell us, the more great book recommendations we can collect. It might even help us choose the writers for the next installment of Guys Read.
You’ve read the Funny Business. Prepare yourself for Mystery/Thrillers, Action/Adventure, Real Stuff, and more.
Thanks for reading.
And thanks for helping Guys Read.
* * *
JON SCIESZKA (editor and coauthor, “Your Question for Author Here”) has been writing books for children ever since he took time off from his career as an elementary school teacher. He wanted to create funny books that kids would want to read. Once he got going, he never stopped. He is the author of numerous picture books, middle grade series, and even a memoir. From 2007–2010 he served as the first National Ambassador for Children’s Literature, appointed by the Library of Congress. Since 2004, Jon has been actively promoting his interest in getting boys to read through his Guys Read initiative and website. Born in Flint, Michigan, Jon now lives in Brooklyn with his family. Visit him online at www.jsworldwide.com.
SELECTED TITLES
THE TRUE STORY OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
(Illustrated by Lane Smith)
THE STINKY CHEESE MAN AND
OTHER FAIRLY STUPID FAIRY TALES
(Illustrated by Lane Smith)
The Time Warp Trio series
(Illustrated by Lane Smith)
KNUCKLEHEAD: Tall Tales & Mostly True Stories
of Growing Up Scieszka
ROBOT ZOT (Illustrated by David Shannon)
MAC BARNETT (“Best of Friends”) is the author of three picture books and a middle grade series called the Brixton Brothers, the first installment of which was nominated for an Edgar Allen Poe Award. He serves on the board of directors of 826LA, a nonprofit writing/tutoring center fronted by a convenience store for time travelers, the Echo Park Time Travel Mart (motto: Whenever You Are, We’re Already Then). Visit him at www.macbarnett.com.
SELECTED TITLES
BILLY TWITTERS AND HIS BLUE WHALE PROBLEM
(Illustrated by Adam Rex)
GUESS AGAIN!
(Illustrated by Adam Rex)
OH NO!
(Illustrated by Dan Santat)
THE BRIXTON BROTHERS: THE CASE OF THE CASE
OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
(Illustrated by Adam Rex)
EOIN COLFER (“Artemis Begins”) is the author of the phenomenally successful Artemis Fowl series, as well as many other books for kids. Before he started writing, he was an elementary school teacher. He knew he wanted to write from a young age, however—ever since he first started reading Viking stories in school. His first name, in case you were wondering, is pronounced “Owen.” He lives in Ireland. You can visit him at www.eoincolfer.com.
SELECTED TITLES
ARTEMIS FOWL and its sequels: THE ARCTIC INCIDENT, THE
ETERNITY CODE, THE OPAL DECEPTION, THE LOST COLONY,
THE TIME PARADOX, and THE ATLANTIS COMPLEX
THE SUPERNATURALIST
AIRMAN
CHRISTOPHER PAUL CURTIS (“‘What? You Think You Got It Rough?’”) is the author of BUD, NOT BUDDY, which won the Newbery and Coretta Scott King Medals, and THE WATSONS GO TO BIRMINGHAM—1963, which received Newbery and Coretta Scott King Honors. He is also the author of ELIJAH OF BUXTON, which won the Scott O’Dell Historical Fiction Award in addition to Newbery and Coretta Scott King Honors. He was born in Flint, Michigan, and now lives with his family in Ontario, Canada.
SELECTED TITLES
BUD, NOT BUDDY
THE WATSONS GO TO BIRMINGHAM—1963
ELIJAH OF BUXTON
BUCKING THE SARGE
KATE DiCAMILLO (coauthor, “Your Question for Author Here”) won the Newbery Medal for her book THE TALE OF DESPEREAUX. Her other books include BECAUSE OF WINN-DIXIE, which received a Newbery Honor, and THE TIGER RISING, which was a National Book Award finalist. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. You can find her online at www.katedicamillo.com.
SELECTED TITLES
BECAUSE OF WINN-DIXIE
THE TALE OF DESPEREAUX
THE TIGER RISING
THE MIRACULOUS JOURNEY OF EDWARD TULANE
(Illustrated by Bagram Ibatoulline)
THE MAGICIAN’S ELEPHANT
(Illustrated by Yoko Tanaka)
PAUL FEIG (“My Parents Gave My Bedroom to a Biker”) is an acclaimed television writer, producer, and director. He created and wrote, along with friend Judd Apatow, the cult classic television show about high school life in the 80s, Freaks and Geeks. Since then, he has directed such shows as The Office, Mad Men, 30 Rock, Nurse Jackie, and Arrested Development, in addition to two feature films, I Am David and Unaccompanied Minors. Paul has also written two memoirs and a children’s book. He lives in Los Angeles.
SELECTED TITLE
IGNATIUS MACFARLAND: FREQUENAUT!
JACK GANTOS (“The Bloody Souvenir”) is the celebrated author of JOEY PIGZA LOSES CONTROL, which received a Newbery Honor. He is also the author of the popular picture books about Rotten Ralph and JACK’S BLACK BOOK, the latest in his acclaimed series of semiautobiographical story collections featuring his alter ego, Jack Henry. His book HOLE IN MY LIFE was a Robert Seibert Honor Book and a Michael J. Printz Honor Book. Jack lives with his family in Boston, Massachusetts. You can read more about him online at www.jackgantos.com.
SELECTED TITLES
The Joey Pigza series, including JOEY PIGZA SWALLOWED THE KEY
The Jack Henry series, including JACK ADRIFT:
Fourth Grade Without a Clue
The Rotten Ralph series, including THE NINE LIVES OF
ROTTEN RALPH
HOLE IN MY LIFE
THE LOVE CURSE OF THE RUMBAUGHS
JEFF KINNEY (“Unaccompanied Minors”) is best known as the creator of the internet comic–turned–publishing sensation DIARY OF A WIMPY KID, which has spawned many sequels and a live-action movie. He lives in Massachusetts with his family. You can visit him online at www.wimpykid.com.
SELECTED TITLES
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID and its sequels: RODRICK RULES,
THE LAST STRAW, and DOG DAYS
DAVID LUBAR (“Kid Appeal”) is the author of many hilarious books for kids, including the Nathan Abercrombie: Accidental Zombie and Weenies series. He once had a gold-fish that lived for seven years and grew to monstrous proportions. Besides writing, he worked for many years as a video game developer. He lives in Naz
areth, Pennsylvania. You can find out more about him online at www.davidlubar.com.
SELECTED TITLES
Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie:
MY ROTTEN LIFE
IN THE LAND OF THE LAWN WEENIES:
And Other Warped and Creepy Tales
FLIP
HIDDEN TALENTS
PUNISHED!
ADAM REX (“Will”) is the acclaimed New York Times best-selling author and illustrator of many books for kids. His middle grade novel THE TRUE MEANING OF SMEKDAY is currently under development as a feature film. He admits his favorite things are animals, spacemen, Mexican food, Ethiopian food, monsters, puppets, comic books, nineteenth-century art, skeletons, bugs, and robots, and lives in Arizona with his wife, who is a physicist. You can find out about these things and more online at www.adamrex.com.
SELECTED TITLES
FRANKENSTEIN MAKES A SANDWICH
FRANKENSTEIN TAKES THE CAKE
PSSST!
THE TRUE MEANING OF SMEKDAY
FAT VAMPIRE: A Never Coming of Age Story
DAVID YOO (“A Fistful of Feathers”) is the acclaimed author of two YA novels, and his debut middle grade novel, THE DETENTION CLUB, is forthcoming. He spends his spare time staring or blinking (either in wonder or abject horror) at his newborn son, Griffin. He teaches in the MFA program at Pine Manor College and at the Gotham Writers’ Workshop. David lives in Massachusetts. To see the creepiest-looking cat in the history of mankind, check out www.daveyoo.com.
SELECTED TITLES
STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE
GIRLS FOR BREAKFAST
Credits
Cover art © 2010 by Adam Rex
Cover design by Joel Tippie
Copyright
GUYS READ: FUNNY BUSINESS. “Before We Begin…” copyright © 2010 by Jon Scieszka. “Best of Friends” copyright © 2010 by Mac Barnett. “Will” copyright © 2010 by Adam Rex. “Artemis Begins” copyright © 2010 by Eoin Colfer. “Kid Appeal” copyright © 2010 by David Lubar. “Your Question for Author Here” copyright © 2010 by Kate DiCamillo and Jon Scieszka. “A Fistful of Feathers” copyright © 2010 by David Yoo. “Unaccompanied Minors” copyright © 2010 by Jeff Kinney, Wimpy Kid, Inc. “‘What? You Think You Got It Rough?’” copyright © 2010 by Christopher Paul Curtis. “My Parents Give My Bedroom to a Biker” copyright © 2010 by Paul Feig. “The Bloody Souvenir” copyright © 2010 by Jack Gantos. Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Adam Rex. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Guys read: funny business / edited and with an introduction by Jon Scieszka; stories by Mac Barnett…[et al.]; with illustrations by Adam Rex.—1st ed.
v. cm.
Summary: A collection of humorous stories featuring a teenaged mummy, a homicidal turkey, and the world’s largest pool of chocolate milk.
Contents: Best of friends / Mac Barnett—Will / Adam Rex—Artemis begins / Eoin Colfer—Your Question for Author Here / Kate DiCamillo & Jon Scieszka—A fistful of feathers / David Yoo—Unaccompanied minors / Jeff Kinney—Kid appeal / David Lubar—What? You think you got it rough? / Christopher Paul Curtis—My parents give my bedroom to a biker / Paul Feig—The bloody souvenir / Jack Gantos.
ISBN 978-0-06-196374-2 (trade bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-196373-5 (pbk. bdg.)
1. Children’s stories, American. 2. Humorous stories, American. [1. Humorous stories. 2. Short stories.] I. Scieszka, Jon. II. Rex, Adam, ill. III. Title: Funny business.
PZ5.G96 2010 2010008122
[Fic]—dc22 CIP
AC
FIRST EDITION
EPub Edition © July 2010 ISBN: 978-0-06-201763-5
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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