He looked down at her, worried. She never said anything about his horse.
Maybe she doesn’t realize it is his horse. Maybe…
He went into the packs on the horse and found several of Kian’s things he carried in his personal pack. A letter with his name on it, marked from Senri, his wife and Mave’s mother. A letter from Willem and Gentrin, the other males in his family. He carried a small painting, barely the size of Emerian’s palm. It was Senri’s smiling facing, with a signature on the back—Luykas Andini.
Emerian took that and went back to Mave, who’d made no move to eat yet.
“Hey,” he whispered. “I found this in the bags. I think he would want you to have it.”
Mave blinked and pushed herself to sit up as he placed the painting in front of her. She moved away from it slowly and curled up in a ball by the wall of the cavern.
“I can’t have that,” she explained, her voice not even a whisper.
“But she’s your mother,” Emerian said, trying to understand.
Mave only ducked her head, hiding her face in her arms.
He knew he couldn’t force it. After losing his parents, he lashed out when others tried to make him talk. He’d been a child, but he imagined the pain was the same.
He put the painting away and grabbed the maps. He needed to find the fastest way to get back. Being alone in the mountains was a bad place to be. He’d only been able to put three days’ worth of distance between him and the Elvasi and had no idea if there would be roaming units, scouts, or any other danger. He used the maps to track the topography of the area. He knew where they had hit and saw landmarks, one he remembered passing on the second day. He could also remember the trip leaving the village. Mave and Kian had impressed on him how important it was to pay attention to his surroundings, and he had wanted to impress her. That seemed to be his entire life now. Impressing her because his future and his idea of his self-worth were tied to her.
I’m a warrior, and I need to manage this like any of them would. I can’t let them all down. I can’t let her down or Kian. I won’t allow it.
He mentally made a route he hoped they could take. It was longer in distance, but it didn’t go near Elvasi camps or treacherous terrain. With only two of them, anything could prove deadly. He put the maps away and looked at Mave, who was finally chewing on jerky as she watched him.
“We should head out and get more distance between us and the Elvasi,” he said, hoping she would agree. “We’ll find another place to camp after dark.”
“Good thinking,” she said softly, pushing herself to stand. He saw her wince. Everything probably hurt, but she made her way slowly to the horses and pulled herself up. “I’ll try to be more helpful in the future.”
“You need time to heal. My injuries weren’t bad. I can move around and fly. Just take it easy. Some advice every now and then would be good.” The last thing he wanted was her fighting a body that wanted to fail on her or trying to push it further than it could go.
He also felt the deep, unsettling sensation she wasn’t the Mave she had been only a week ago. Something in her core was shaken. Her belief in herself, the confidence she always had was gone, and he didn’t know how to get it back or how to lead her back to it.
She nodded slowly. “I’ll tell you what I can. K-k-k…He managed a lot about this…this part of the mission.”
He saw the tears flood her eyes and watched her head duck down again as the tears began to fall. Her shoulders shook.
“Mave?” He went to her side, gently touching her knee.
“I’ve destroyed…everything,” she whispered. “Senri is never going…forgive me for this.”
He didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know why she felt that way.
“She loves you,” Emerian reminded her.
“She won’t after she finds out I left Kian to die. After you made me leave him to die.” Mave looked up, her steel eyes hard, deep, unsettling rage brewing in them. “She won’t after this. I’ll help us get home, but after that, I want you to get away from me.”
He stepped back, feeling that in his chest. She was furious. She was furious he had listened to Kian and saved her.
He grabbed everything from around their makeshift camp and packed it back up, then mounted his horse and made sure their last horse was secured to his saddle.
That’s fine. I’ll get her home, and we’ll fucking deal with it. If she thinks she can scare me away after all of this, she’s out of her mind. Kian made me promise to protect her, and I’m going to do that, even if it means from herself. Even when she doesn’t want me around. I made a fucking promise, and I’m going to see it through until fucking Alchan Andini himself makes me stop.
They started moving, settling in for the long trip home. He spent a thousand years stubbornly hating his Andinna half and everything that came from it. What he only learned recently was his stubbornness was the Andinna in him. He had spent a thousand years using the part of him he hated to beat down himself and others around him.
He fully intended to channel that until his dying breath. This time, it would be to stay in the life of someone he had promised to give his life for. If she was an unstoppable force, then he would become an unmovable object.
Something in him settled into the place it was supposed to be. He was a male Andinna, a warrior, a fighter, a survivor, and his ultimate job, the one above all others, was to protect his female—his warrior, his Champion, his role model. She was everything.
He would die before he failed Kian’s final request to protect her.
30
Mave
The trip seemed to last an eternity. Over the days and weeks, Emerian and Mave kept moving, but she was less than helpful. She couldn’t fly. She could barely think without the pain rushing back.
So, she spent most of the trip in her hollow dark place alone, watching the world as though it was colorless—lifeless. She refused to feel. She only moved to continue her own survival.
Then they saw the guard post. She wasn’t good at reading maps. He had taught Emerian on the trip, but she hadn’t participated. At least one of them knew how to get home.
“We’re here,” Emerian said, his voice deep and rough. He’d changed, that male. Her nemari, not that she wanted him anymore.
She wanted to be alone, where nothing forced her to feel. His very existence reminded her of why that was.
Emerian led them up to the post and into the small camp. She did as she was asked, getting off her horse and letting the guards tend it. One of them sent a message back to the village. Emerian tried to explain but ended up just telling the guards the king was needed.
She found a quiet place to sit down by the fire and stared. It was bright, and she hated it. It was warm, and she hated it. Finally, she got tired of hating it and just left, looking for a place to sit down in the shade where the autumn chill could hit her bones the way she liked it. They had traveled for more than half the season. Winter would be coming, and she just wanted to sit in the cold darkness of her favorite season and remain unfeeling.
It grew late, and Emerian came to her with a blanket. He knew better than to try to move her. They had this fight already on the road. He dropped the blanket on her without her permission then walked off. She slept there, leaning against a tree, staring into the darkness of the surrounding trees. She was only woken up by footsteps drawing close and saw a face she wasn’t ready to see. He was scared, shocked, concerned. He went to his knees next to her.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
Mave didn’t have an answer for King Alchan Andini because she refused to feel. Refused to explore what her mental state was.
“He’s gone,” she told him in an empty voice.
“You don’t have to tell me anything,” he whispered. “You don’t have to explain. Emerian told us what happened when we arrived. He wouldn’t let anyone come see you until we knew what happened.”
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty, for failing
my mission.” She tried, but his amber eyes filled with pain as she spoke. She tried so hard to continue being strong.
“Don’t…don’t call me that,” he said. “I’m your brother. You don’t need to be like this with me.”
“I don’t…” She blinked and accidentally lost some of her control. Tears flooded her eyes. “If I can’t stop now. I need to tell them. I need…” She tried to stand, but it felt like she had been frozen by the cold. Her body didn’t want to move. “I have to tell Senri and…” She lost it there. All of it. She broke down as he grabbed her.
She sobbed in a way she hadn’t yet allowed herself. She felt it all rush and hit her heart again as she realized she had one last duty.
She had to tell her mother, she let her father die.
“You don’t have to tell Senri,” Alchan murmured. “You don’t have to. I’ll do it.”
As quickly as it started, she forced it to end.
“Yes, I do,” she growled, pulling away from him, feeling a little feral. She cut off that important emotion limb again and retreated into her unfeeling core. She needed it. She built this place for her to hide from the horrors of her life, to keep moving. When it had become a near tangible thing, she didn’t know, but now it was. At least, it felt that way to her.
She headed for the guard post, walking to the fire in the center, still hating its warmth and glow, but she knew she needed to be there if she wanted to make the final trek home.
Looking around, she watched others land, Nevyn and Varon, followed by Luykas. They came running up to her, but Alchan and Emerian headed them off.
“We need to talk,” Alchan said stiffly.
Mave only watched. Luykas gave her a hurt look after Alchan stopped him a second time.
When Bryn, Mat, Zayden, and Rain arrived, they looked at her, then looked at the other group. Mat pointed at Luykas, his eyes on her.
She nodded, and he tapped the others to make sure they followed him.
She heard Nevyn’s shocked gasp and his pained look as he turned to see her.
His best friend is dead. He’ll be right to hate me after this. I need to prepare for that.
Horses were brought by the guards, ones for emergencies. Emerian went to tend the horses he had saved from the mission. The poor things were tired and would probably be retired from long trips, but they had one more trip to take.
Mave refused to take the comfort of her husbands when they came to her. They stood around her silently, but she made no move to touch them. She couldn’t yet. Alchan had made her realize just how weak she was, and she couldn’t be that way—not yet.
They loaded up together, the entire Company, to head back to the village on horseback.
No, not together.
“Do Mave and Emerian know about…the other thing yet?” Luykas asked softly. “You got here first.”
“No, and we’re going to let Mave do something else before we give her that update,” Alchan answered softly. “She wants to talk to Senri and tell her what happened. It’s her right.”
“Thank you,” she said simply. She didn’t have the space in her yet for any other news.
“Love, are you sure?” Luykas turned back to her, but she noticed he was the only shocked one. Her other husbands were eerily quiet.
“Yes.”
Nevyn rode up beside her. “Good,” he said, nodding respectfully. “We’ll all be behind you.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t know what else to say anymore. She couldn’t find the words to express anything.
“He loved you. You were a great daughter to him. Ki—”
“Don’t,” she snapped. “Don’t…don’t say his name. Please.”
Nevyn inclined his head and rode in silence.
The trip was long, but Mave was steady. They didn’t stop in the village, riding around it to head directly for Senri’s home. When they arrived, everyone dismounted.
Mave walked up to the door alone, taking one slow breath to prepare herself before she knocked. She normally entered without knocking, but not today, probably never again.
Senri and Willem raced to get the door, and it was Senri who immediately realized what was happening. Willem paled, but Senri began to shake.
“Senri Amori,” Mave started, finding her voice, “I…” Words failed her, but she kept trying. This was the last thing. She had to do this. “I have to tell you…”
Senri just waited, her eyes wide, her hands shaking. She reached out, and Mave could feel how those shakes threatened to topple this powerful woman she called her mother. They touched Mave’s cheeks, wiping away something as tears started to fall on her own cheeks.
“He…Kian is…”
Senri began to sob, and her legs gave out. She didn’t let go of Mave, her hands falling to Mave’s armor and pulling as they grabbed on.
“Senri!” Willem said sharply, grabbing her before her knees slammed into the stone floor. “Gentrin! We need you!”
Gentrin was there in the blink of an eye, barely dressed, as though they had interrupted him getting ready for bed.
“Kian?” Gentrin asked, looking at Mave, then seeing the Company behind her. “Oh, Skies. Okay.” He swayed, but he was able to help Willem with Senri. It took a moment to get Senri to let go of Mave and get her to put an arm around his shoulder. “I’ve got her. I’ve got her.” He led her away.
Willem reached out slowly for Mave, but she took a step back, watching the pain lance the poor male to the heart.
“Come in,” he pleaded. “Come in. I know Gentrin and I aren’t…him, but…you should grieve with family if you want it. You’re our daughter, and I know Senri would want you…”
“I let him die. Do you really think I deserve to be in there?” she asked, the shame and guilt hitting her. “Do you?”
“Mave—” He tried, but she didn’t listen.
She turned to leave. When someone in the Company tried to grab her, she shoved them off.
“Don’t!” she roared. “I could have stopped this! A fucking ambush and I wasn’t good enough to stop this, and I should have been!” She snarled as someone else tried to grab her wrist. “Don’t touch me!”
“How? How could you have possibly been good enough?” Nevyn demanded, grabbing her anyway. “Mave, this stuff happens, and it’s hard, but it’s the risk—”
“I was fucking trained by Kristanya! I should have been good enough to save him!” She kicked his legs out from underneath him and sent him into the snow. She didn’t see his expression, turning away after she threw him down.
“What?” someone said in a small voice.
“I dreamed of Kristanya, and she trained me to be the best,” Mave whispered, admitting her secret to all of them. “I was the best because she visited me in my dreams, and we sparred. I…I thought it meant something. I thought she was making me good enough that I wouldn’t lose. Couldn’t lose.” Mave chuckled bitterly then spit on the ground. “But she hasn’t visited me since. Why would she? I failed, and I’m not worthy of her training anymore. My father is dead because I wasn’t good enough.”
“Mave, this wasn’t your fault,” Alchan said strongly. She turned on him, snarling, but he didn’t react. “Leshaun was assassinated while you were gone. We think there’s a spy in the camp, and no one is safe. Do you remember anything from your mission that would help us? It was an ambush, yes?”
“They prepared,” Mave whispered, realizing Alchan was giving her the missing piece of the puzzle. “They had time. They knew the mountain we would strike. They got soldiers behind us and were waiting at the objective. They…aimed for our wings.”
“So, someone told them you were coming,” Alchan whispered, nodding as he looked at Luykas. “None of our missions are safe any longer until we find out who this is.”
“Agreed.” Luykas didn’t look at his brother, though. He only had eyes for her. Most of them did. She just dropped a bomb on them, and it was honestly amazing none of them were threatening to lock her up. They also weren’t will
ing to ask her for more information.
“I’m going for a walk,” she decided, turning away.
“You just got back! You need to rest,” Zayden snapped.
“I’ll rest when I’m dead.”
“Mave, I need my Champion at her full strength,” Alchan said, concern still there.
“I…” She turned back to him, her heart still dust. Her confidence was destroyed. “I can’t be your Champion anymore.”
“Excuse me?” Alchan looked like a wounded animal.
She shook her head. “I need…time. Just give me a little time,” she pleaded, turning her back on them again.
She walked into the woods, heading for the edge of the valley where no one lived. She couldn’t be near any of them.
I should have been enough. He shouldn’t be dead. What’s the fucking point if the people I love are going to die anyway, Kristanya? You stole Kian and Leshaun from us, goddess of Death. Is this why you won’t visit me any longer? Is this why you’ve ignored me for weeks? You, who bothered me even when I didn’t ask for you, suddenly don’t care to speak to me and answer for this?
She found a place to sit as her body threatened to give out, a stump solid enough to sit on.
She needed peace, and she reached for the one way she got it on most days. She needed cold and emotionless. She hated this feeling.
She pulled the flute up to her lips, chasing the peacefulness it always offered her and began to play. Someone walked behind her, and Emerian showed up, standing silently. He kept watch, but she could see his face. It wasn’t as perfectly pretty as it once was. The scar and the missing eye were no longer covered by bandages as he had kept them on the road home.
She tried to ignore him and succeeded, putting him to the back of her mind, not ready to deal with him yet. If he wanted to continue this weird shadowing he was doing, he could. She didn’t have to confront the particular problem he presented yet.
She kept playing until she cracked one last time. The pretty flute didn’t bring her peace. It reminded her of the male and the family who had made it for her. A family she allowed to be broken. As she played, she began to miss notes and finally pressed it to her chest.
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