by Ellie Mack
My world had just caved in and I couldn’t breathe. I knew I needed to get it under control, as Devon would be here any minute. I still hadn’t heard back from Luke and was starting to worry about him as well. It was nearly seven and his plane would have landed at five fifteen.
I couldn’t imagine why he hadn’t called and was beginning to get angry that he hadn’t texted me. My cheeks burned from the latest flood of tears while the burning pain in my chest throbbed.
Orange hues filled the room as the sun dropped lower on the horizon. I sat alone in the room, the silence disrupted by my sobs. I tried to stifle them so Tara could sleep, but honestly, I could barely keep it together. I gathered the tissues from the end table next to me and walked into the kitchen, dropping them in the trash bin, staring out the patio door into the encroaching darkness.
I had no idea how to go on from this point. It was a place I never imagined myself, not for another thirty years at least. This was something middle-aged people faced, not girls in their twenties.
The doorbell interrupted my thoughts enough to register a sound, but not enough to make me aware. It sounded again, followed by a loud knock. My eyelids closed, my fists clenched, as I let out a deep breath. I had been dreading confrontation with Devon ever since Tara’s call. I hope that he had learned some manners over the last few years and would hold his tongue.
I shuffled towards the door, opening it and allowing him entrance without making eye contact. Devon carried a large bag and another smaller bag to the kitchen island. He started taking the boxes from the bags and setting them out onto the counter. Without a word, he turned, reaching under the sink to retrieve the paper plates. After setting them beside the food, he stepped towards me, pulling me into a hug. I stiffened in his arms, uncomfortable at his touch.
"It's good to see you Roxy, you look great. I ugh, I'm sorry about the way I handle things when we were in school. I was a jerk and you deserved better."
I started to give him a retort, but thought better of it. I took in a deep breath followed by a slow exhale. I didn’t have the energy to continue this fight. Not now. We were young. It had hurt deeply the way he dumped me, but I had Luke now. I would be the bigger person for Tara’s sake as much as for my own. Mom did not approve of holding this grudge against him and I decided I would let it go. Eventually. Maybe.
"Water under the bridge. That was a long time ago, we were both kids. I got over it. I'll make you this promise though, if you break Tara’s heart, you will pay for it."
Devon cleared his throat. Given the situation, Roxy handled that well, which was surprising. He had expected her to want to scratch his eyes out. His jaw clenched as he stepped away from her, raising his hands in surrender. "I would expect nothing less. I figured neither of you would have prepared any food, so I stopped at Hunan Wok. I got general Tso’s, vegetable lo Mein, beef broccoli, fried rice, steamed rice, egg rolls, and Rangoon. I remember you like General Tso’s, right?"
My stomach growled as I realized that I had not eaten anything all day. The food smelled amazing.
"Yeah I do. Thanks, Devon. We haven't even thought about eating, but this smells really good."
"Let's dig in, I know I'm hungry. We can catch up until Tara wakes up."
I suppose I could do that, given the man had brought the food and it seemed inevitable to avoid him for the next few days.
"So what have you been up to since we graduated?"
"Same Roxy, avoid the small talk and go straight to the point." He chuckled a little as he began filling his plate. "Let's see, I enlisted, left for basic ten days after graduation, served for four, applied for the Police Academy, now I work homicide." He bit into an egg roll as he held it over the plate, blowing around the bite he held in his mouth. "What about you?"
"Right after graduation, we left to go stay with my dad for the summer. Tara and I worked the summers at the production plant where my dad works. I spent my free time training. I started at Balder that fall with a scholarship. That is more or less the cycle that has continued, work and school, except we no longer go to stay with our dad. I applied for an extension for my scholarship with extenuating circumstances due to Mom's health and reduced my hours so that I could attend part-time. It has taken me a long time, but I will graduate this May. In between school and work, I train and compete. I won my division title last year and I'm required to have at least four matches. That's how I met Luke, my fiancé." I took a big gulp of soda before continuing. "Luke hired me as his trainer. He recently won his division title, a sponsorship, and now has a job with his sponsor, Cyberpro."
“Congratulations on your win.” Devon reached for another eggroll. “While I was deployed, I stalked your page on Social Book. I wondered what you were up to, who you were dating, if you had gotten over me.” He offered a smile, which quickly faded when Roxanne’s jaw clenched. He still knew her language. He thought this would be easier. After all, he was dating Tara.
To be honest though Tara, and every other woman he’d dated since returning were passing time. He regretted his actions when he broke up with Roxanne. She stole his heart years ago and he was a fool to have shut her out.
When he told her that he was going to enlist, she tried to discourage him and convince him to go to Balder with her. He was tempted, boy was he tempted. Bottom line though, he knew what he wanted to do with his life and he knew that Roxanne would sacrifice everything that she said she wanted in order to be with him.
It wasn’t that she was clingy by any means. They had a long history together. They were friends long before they became lovers. He never stopped thinking about her. He had ruined his chances of having her as his, but he longed for the friendship they used to share.
“Anyway, I was blown away when you announced your entry into MMA, and won your first match. I told the guys in my troop that I used to date you. They asked if the reason I enlisted was to get away from you kicking my ass.”
I chuckled.
“Tara couldn’t wait to tell me when you won the title match. I’m happy for you, Roxy. Glad to see that you are pursuing your dreams.”
I noticed that there seemed to be a bittersweet edge to his voice. Was he honestly happy for me? It almost sounded like regret but then again, it was Devon.
“So tell me about this Luke guy.”
Same old Devon. He was always charming, pleasant, and still ‘rip my panties off’ sexy, maybe even more so than when we dated. His green eyes sparkled as he talked. He tried to lighten the mood and act as if he cared.
It still stung. I was conflicted about whether to take him at his word or put up my usual shield of anger. I knew he was being truthful about Social book; he had liked my photos, commented a few times on my posts, and even offered congratulations when I won. I could imagine his marine buddies teasing him.
“Did you tell them you stayed away so that I wouldn’t kick your ass?”
That shot hit its target. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
“I did as a matter of fact. Said I was safer on the front lines than coming back to face you.”
I wanted to rub it in. I wanted to make him hurt but reminded myself that I was going to let it go because that was what Mom would want.
“One day when you least suspect it. I’m too tired now to bother. Anyway, Luke.” Taking a big swig of my drink before continuing, “I met him in anatomy class. Turns out, we had a few classes together. He’s a couple of years younger, but he’s on track with his classes. He asked me after class one day if I would train him. Said he wanted to get in shape. Man, did I put him through the grinder, but he came back. I told him that if he ever met you, he could thank you for that.”
“Oh, great. So, now Luke wants to kick my ass well?”
“Yes. Not during the funeral but afterwards, gloves off.”
“He landed a job with Cyberpro Dynamics. They make sports drinks, protein bars, and supplements. We are getting married in July.”
Devon choked on his crab Rangoon. “Married? Wow,
uh, congrats.”
“Yep, getting married then moving to a fancy loft the company is providing near the headquarters in Chicago. Honeymoon in Cancun then off to our next adventure.”
I delighted inside seeing the shock register on his face. I have to admit, for a Moment there, it seemed like he was disappointed to hear that I was marrying someone else. I knew it wasn’t the case though; he made that clear to me years ago.
.“You got Hunan Wok. Why didn’t you wake me?” Tara came around the corner into the kitchen, still half-asleep. Her eyes were puffy and red and her cheeks were tear-stained.
“Figured you needed your sleep, Tara. Don’t worry, we left you plenty.” I shoveled the last few bites off my plate into my mouth and dropped my plate into the trash. “I’m going to hit the shower. Thanks, Devon, for the food.” Hesitating at the doorframe for a moment, I glanced back. “It’s good to see you, too.”
I headed down the hall towards my bedroom, stopping to get a clean change of clothes and decided to check my phone just one more time to see if Luke had responded. I was beginning to worry that something had happened to him. It was unlike him not to call. There was also a bit of anger in the fact that he wasn't there when I needed him but I know it was irrational because he had no way of knowing what was going on. Still, he should have been home by now and at least called to let me know that he was home safe.
The hot water on my face felt like heaven. I stood there, letting the rivulets of water rain over me, letting my mind relax and unwind. I turned away from the water, feeling the tension inside unknot as the pulsating water massaged my scalp. Oh, how I had missed Mom's showerhead, one of the few indulgences that she had splurged on for herself. In the past year, it had gotten little use however.
After several minutes, I poured a dime size dollop of shampoo into my palm and massaged it into my hair. My thoughts went to the numerous times that I had helped Mom wash her hair and bathe her when she was too weak to do it on her own. It seemed embarrassing at first and sometimes I resented having to do it, but if I had to do it over again, I would make every time pleasurable for her. I wish that I could undo the past, have a second chance, improve my behavior, and care for her, as I should have. This was just one regret added to the list of regrets that I had about the time I had missed with my mother.
I thought of all the times that I had opted for fast food or frozen dinner for her instead of cooking something fresh that she would have enjoyed. I thought of the times that I didn't do the chores and resented having to wash a few loads of laundry.
One of the great things about a shower is that no one can tell where your tears begin and end. The tears flowed steadily down my cheeks as I realized what a horrible daughter I had been. Why is it that we think about being kind to someone after they are gone?
I stood under the water for a few more minutes until I could calm down and stop crying. Once I had dried off, I moved to the mirror and began brushing my teeth. I went down my mental list of recent things that were stressing me. I would have to remember to compose an email for my professors right away. This would be the first time I had missed my classes, but with the funeral, I would miss three tests. Part of me figured that it wouldn't be an issue, but another part worried that they wouldn't let me make up the tests. Maybe it was unfounded fear, or the additional stress, or the great empty hole in my heart, but making a priority list helped to calm my nerves.
I thought about work, I would have to call before the next day I was scheduled. I hadn't thought to bring the list with me of phone numbers to get a replacement for my shift and I know we are supposed to, but I had left my apartment rather hurriedly. It would be up to me to notify my trainees, which wasn't an issue, except for making the time to make the calls.
That was when I came to the big item on my list that I had been avoiding, calling my father. Devon was barely above Dad on the list, but since he showed up with food in hand, tackling that obstacle seemed to sort itself out. We had a long history together and facing him now was not a simple matter.
Devon Miller, the man I had crushed on since sixth grade. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’ve had a crush on him since that first day of kindergarten when he shared his fruit chews. He was instantly my best friend. We sat at the same table in class. He rode my bus and we shared a seat because he lived four houses down and we got off at the same stop. His yard connected to ours at the back corner due to the curve of the road. We would often sneak through the loose boards on the fence to play in his treehouse, or else he would slip through to our yard and we would play under the deck. We raced our bikes, played in the tree house, skipped stones at the pond and made mud pies.
Then in fourth grade, my parents divorced. Dad went to prison for a few years before they divorced. I was in junior high when he got out and we were court ordered to spend time with him, supervised at first, then we spent our summers with him. It always seemed uncomfortable, as if he tolerated us being there only because he was mandated by some court of law to do it. It never felt like home. Each summer with my dad and his latest flavor of the month was more miserable than the last. Back home, Mom worked long shifts at the hospital leaving my sister and me at Devon’s house. We made forts, hunted monsters, played video games and slept on the couch together. Not that anything happened, we were just kids.
By the sixth grade, I had gained a good amount of weight and was chubby. That is when Devon broke my heart the first time. We were sitting at the edge of the pond skipping rocks when he told me he asked Casey Reynolds to the school dance. Then he asked if anyone had asked me. I’m not sure if I was more upset that he asked Casey or the fact that he didn’t ask 'the chubby girl'.
Anyway, it was the first in a long string of disappointments. My weight has fluctuated over the years, going from a size sixteen down to a two and every stage in between. Since I’ve been competing in the MMA matches, I’ve managed to keep myself trim and toned. I’m easily overlooked in a crowd with my dark hair and dark features. I’ve heard my father refer to unremarkable women as being nondescript. That is how I often feel, nondescript.
During the summer between our sophomore and junior year, we began dating. We were at each other’s houses daily, mostly just hanging out together. I thought Devon Miller was the one for me. My first real kiss from Devon was one I would never forget, a real knee popping, star bursting kiss that sent shivers down my spine and thrills throughout my body.
I was ready to go to the ends of the earth for him, do whatever it took to be with him, and I would have died for him. Devon had shared his plans to join the military since he was a freshman in high school. I was proud of him that he knew what direction he wanted to go in, excited and a little afraid for him, while at the same time I felt nervous and apprehensive, because I didn’t seem to have a clear path for myself. It didn’t matter, though, I would take college classes and eventually life would work itself out. I couldn’t wait to become Mrs. Devon Miller. Wherever he was stationed, if possible, I would be with him. I had painted a rosy picture of our lives together as two young adults in love.
One week after our senior prom, he dropped the bomb on me. I was running late for school in the morning, so Devon drove without me. Mom dropped me off on her way to work, arriving in the middle of the second hour. During the entire drive, I felt as if I would puke from worrying. When Mom asked, I lied and told her that I had a big test in Western Civilization. That part wasn't a lie, but it wasn't what I was worrying about. The truth was that I was a week late and I thought I might be pregnant. This was not part of our plan.
It certainly wasn't Devon's plan, and it wasn't in my plans for the immediate future either. I would run across the street to the drugstore during our lunch hour and pick up a pregnancy test, then discreetly use it in the bathroom stall.
I was preoccupied. The general nausea I felt only added to the fear that perhaps it was morning sickness. Devon and I had talked about kids down the road, but we weren't prepared for a child at seventeen.
Before
I could dash out to the drugstore, Devon cornered me by my locker. "Rox, I don't know how to do this properly, so I'm just going to say it."
I thought at that moment that he was going to give me an engagement ring and officially ask me to marry him. Closing my eyes briefly, taking a deep breath, I closed my locker, telling myself to stay calm and act cool.
"Rox, I think we should break up. I'm joining the Marines after graduation and you need to pursue your own plans. We will always be friends, but . . . " he looked away, clenching his jaw before turning back to me "I'm not ready to be tied down."
He walked away leaving me standing there alone, my mouth agape, staring after him. I don’t know what I would have done if the test had been positive.
After that, he avoided me at every turn. I tried to talk to him a couple of times, but he shut me out.
The couple of weeks before graduation, Chad Ramsey had a party at his house. Devon and his friends were drinking and challenging themselves physical feats of endurance since the four of them would be joining the Marines.
Devon turned his attention to Phoebe Yates, who was standing beside him, vying for his attention. I knew Phoebe was interested in him, but she also knew we were together. Word had spread quickly when he dumped me, so I wasn't surprised by her smug expression cast in my direction as she clasped her hands around his bicep.
Fueled by anger and revenge, I made a smart-alecky comment to Chad, an absolute gorgeous hunk of a soccer player, and he challenged me to put my money where my mouth was.
He dared me, so it kind of forced my hand. I slammed a glass of Jack and Coke and told Chad I accepted his challenge. I grabbed Chad’s hand and dragged him to the first unoccupied room, his bedroom. Once inside I kissed him hard, walking him backwards to the bed, following him down when his knees hit the edge of the bed. He scooted up to where his head was on the pillow as I climbed on top of him straddling him.
