by Rita Delude
“He does,” I say.
“All the better,” she says.
As I leave her office, I text Chance for the umpteenth time that day.
Emily: Chance, please, we need to talk.
Finally, he answers.
Chance: Where? When?
Emily: Our house. Now.
Twenty-two
Chance
I’ve been ignoring her texts and calls since I stormed out last night. I don’t answer her demand to meet at the house now. She’s preparing to destroy our baby, and I can do nothing to stop her. I’m not sure I ever want to see her again.
I look out from the park bench I’ve been sitting on since I left the lawyer’s office and see some toddlers playing on the swing sets at Kids’ Kove. There’s giggling, shouting, crying, all coming from a dozen or so kids perhaps three and four years old, whose moms and one dad sit on benches nearby watching, reading, and visiting with each other. I saw this in my future so many times before. When I closed the eyes on a gal or guy we couldn’t save in Afghanistan, I always said a silent prayer and before me flashed all that they would miss—the family things, the fun, the parties, and the joy. Nothing monumental. Just the day-to-day things that make life matter—people to love and those who love them back, especially children. And I promised myself each time that if I made it back, I’d have that for myself someday. Until yesterday, I thought it was a promise to myself that I’d almost kept. Now, I’m not so sure. How could I have been so wrong about Emily? So very wrong.
Finally, I get an idea. I dial Mrs. Pace’s number and ask her and Mr. Pace to meet me for lunch at The Olive Garden.
“What’s this about?” she asks.
“I’ve got something important I’d like to talk to you about. But I’m not bringing Emily, so please don’t let her know we’re meeting. You’ll understand. Trust me.”
They are waiting for me in the lobby when I arrive.
“Hello, Helen, John,” I say as I reach out and shake each hand in turn. They smile, but look perplexed.
“Is everything okay with Emily?” Helen asks.
“Oh, yes, sure. I didn’t mean to frighten you. She’s fine. Let’s get seated, and we’ll talk,” I say.
When we’ve settled and have ordered, I look at them directly and say, “Helen, John, I like you two a lot, and I’ve been really looking forward to marrying your beautiful daughter—”
“Oh, no. I knew it. Trouble in paradise,” Helen interrupts.
“Well, to be honest, Emily and I did have our first-ever argument last night,” I say.
“Oh, don’t let that bother you, son, it’ll be the first of many if you get married. You can’t live forever with one person without finding some things about each other that are irritating, but nothing much is serious in the scheme of things,” John says as he tugs Helen closer to him and plants a peck on her cheek. “Right, love?”
“Right,” she says with a smile that I believe is sincere. They really do seem happy with each other.
“Well, I do expect that. But I didn’t expect what Emily told me last night. She said she doesn’t want children.”
“What?” they ask in unison.
“You must be mistaken,” John says. “She surrounds herself with kids. Look at her work.”
“I know. That’s why I assumed we’d have kids, and I want them for us. But when we got talking about it, she said she has no intention of ever having kids, our own or adopting them.”
“Why not?” Helen demands.
“Because of Susan and the hurt her death caused you two and the blame she puts on herself for not protecting her. She’s afraid to have that responsibility. I think she even suspects you wouldn’t want her to.”
“That’s bullshit,” John shouts, then looks around, sees others watching, raises his hand, and says, “sorry” to those who have heard him. “We’d love to hold another grandchild. We love the three that Laurie gave us, but having some from Emily would be a dream come true.”
“I guess Emily doesn’t realize that,” I say.
“I can fix this mess. I had no idea she thought this. We’re having lunch tomorrow. We’ll talk. Mother to daughter,” Helen says.
“Please do me a huge favor and don’t let her ever know that I spoke to you. I love your daughter with all my heart. But I want us to have a family together. I don’t want this issue to tear us apart. But I don’t want her to think I went behind her back, which, actually…” I let out a nervouse chuckle, “I did.”
Helen puts her finger to her lips. “My lips are sealed. Seal your lips too, John.” And he “zips” his with his fingers. I really do like her parents.
“Since we’re being honest here, when we first lost Susan, both Helen and I did blame Emily. Afterall, she was with Susan when it happened. She should have watched her more carefully, we felt. But as the years have gone by and we’ve babysat the grandkids from time to time, we’ve realized how fast and spontaneous they can be. We know there was nothing Emily could have done with Susan running out after that dog the way witnesses explained. She must still be harboring the awful vibes we initially gave off when we were in our deepest grief and she was too.”
“Poor kid,” Helen says. “All these years and still in pain.”
“Yes, still,” I agree. “I don’t know what magic you can work, Helen, but I hope you can convince her that you’d be happy to see her have children of her own. That may help her change her mind. I’ll do everything I can to change it too.”
Our lunch arrives. John places his napkin on his lap, turns to Helen, and says, “Whatever you’ve got in mind, hon, if that doesn’t work, I’ll give it a try. With the three of us working at her, we should have her convinced into having babies before they fly out to Hawaii for their honeymoon.”
“I hope so,” I say. I need her convinced before next week. But I can’t tell them that. I’ll have to keep working on her too.
After lunch, I hop into my Jeep and drive to Mr. Tinker’s Toy Shop. It’s the coolest place around. I visit a lot. Every time my nieces and nephew have birthdays, for Christmas, and sometimes to find cool things I want to “play” with. Mr. Nolin Tinker owns the place. He’s a master craftsman and makes all kinds of clever wooden toys, but he also stocks erector sets, Legos, Tinker toys, anything from the Toy Story movies, plus the plushest stuffed animals around. He’s got all the American Girl dolls a girl could want. Eva and Maddy are nuts over those. And there’s an HO train set that winds up and down the store at different levels that he’s rigged up to somehow travel up the mountains he’s created. It’s set to start the moment a customer opens the door. This calls him from his workshop out back.
“Hey, nice to see you, Chance,” he says when he enters the store from the back room. “Who you shopping for today? Can I help?”
“I’m shopping for a baby not born yet. The parents don’t know the sex. Can you help?”
“Best case for that would be one of our stuffed animals,” he suggests. “The baby will be too little for most of our stuff for a while, but you could always do a book. Some parents like to read to their kids before they are born, you know.”
“A book? I wouldn’t have thought of that,” I say. “I’ll just look around then.”
“You do that. Give me a holler when you decide. I’ll be out back.”
He opens the door marked “Tinkers Only,” and I browse the shop.
I settle into the comfy chair he has located next to the racks of books and start reading. I’m surprised by the number of books for infants. It’s impressive. Tinker’s shop is more of a treasure than I ever appreciated.
I finally pick a book called, Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You and get two large black bears and one small one to match the black bear on the cover of the book. Well, not exactly because the cover shows only one large bear and one kid, but I want to convince Emily that if only she’ll promise to keep this baby, I will be there with her one-hundred percent of the way.
When I open the “T
inkers Only” door and yell, “Mr. Tinker, I’m ready,” he makes his way to the register.
“Ah, a fine choice. The parents will be impressed, I’m sure.”
He pulls a long piece of pink satin ribbon from a spool behind him and ties it in a bow around one of the large bears without my asking. The ribbon reads: “Mr. Tinker’s Toy Shop” in script letters over and over. Then he does the same with a blue satin ribbon on the other large bear. Next, he takes a satin ribbon that’s dotted with pink and blue and ties it around the baby bear’s neck.
“Well, Mr. Tinker, you sure know how to finish off a gift,”
“Well, I could gift wrap, but stuffed animals do better this way,” he explains. “I’ll wrap the book for you though.”
While he does that, I enjoy the sight and sound of the train that I’ve ignored while I read so many books.
When I leave he says, “Come again soon.”
“I hope so,” I answer.
Then I drive to “the” house. It doesn’t feel like “our” house right about now.
I wonder if I should bring the gifts in or leave them in the car. I bought them to try to melt her heart. Bringing them in is the only answer.
Chapter Twenty-three
Emily
It’s been almost four hours since I sent the text asking him to meet me here. He didn’t answer. I assumed it was because he was on his way. I’d rushed from Dr. Reid’s parking lot to home, so I’d be here before he got here. But he wasn’t here then, and he’s still not. I know I made him angry, but I didn’t think he was so angry we couldn’t talk. In all the months we’ve been dating and engaged, we’ve never even had a quarrel. This is far beyond a quarrel. This is war. He’s fighting for his kid. I respect that from him, but he needs to understand how very terrified I am.
I continue to pace and Dolly follows me back and forth across the kitchen and livingroom. I’m sure she’s wondering why we don’t take this walk outside. But I can’t leave in case he does show up. How long should I wait? Dolly can’t wait forever. She’ll need to relieve herself soon. I guess, in another hour, I’ll take her for a short walk, but leave a note. He has a key. He could let himself in. We’ve left notes before. Some just reminders to pick up bread, milk, or yogurt. Some just expressions of love. We tack them to the refrigerator along with snapshots of adventures we’ve had and us dressed in aprons at our cooking classes. There’s one of us doing the rumba at dance class.
God I love this man. I don’t want to lose him. Have I caused a tear that can never be repaired?
The doorbell rings. Who could that be? It’s not Chance. The door’s not locked and if it was, he has a key. It must be a delivery.
I open the door and find three black bears staring me in the face. I can’t see a person, just bears.
“What?” I ask, not knowing what’s going on.
“Wherever you are my love will find you,” he says.
“Oh, Chance, come in.” I’m crying, full out tears pouring from my eyes. I know that book well from my classes at school. I know what he’s saying. I know what he wants.
Pulling him and the bears into the house, I push him down onto the couch. He nestles the bears together on one side, sits next to me, and sets a book-sized wrapped package on the coffee table.
“I went to a lawyer this morning.”
“For what?” I ask.
“To see if there is anything I can do to stop you from halting this pregnancy.”
“And?”
“There’s nothing. I have no rights even though it’s my kid.” He rubs my stomach. His touch is tender and warm. I love that he has no doubt it’s his.
“That hardly seems fair,” I say and mean it.
“I know, right? But I understand. It’s your body. You have to go through the morning sickness, the extra weight, the labor pains, and the delivery. It should be your choice. But, Emily…” He reaches for my hands. “I’d be there by your side. I’ve even delivered babies. I’d help you all I could. Hell, I’d carry the kid if I could. Well, maybe that’s a stretch…” He laughs. “But you know what I mean.”
“I know. It’s not having the baby inside me that scares me. It’s when it’s in the world. This crazy world with germs, dangerous people, pollution, crazies, accidents, disease, that’s what I’m scared about. Like Susan.”
He looks me in the eyes and his blue ones meet mine with an intensity I haven’t seen before.
“When I met you, you were not a risk-taker. Probably because of Susan. I didn’t know that then. But because of me, you took risks—sky diving, hang gliding, scuba diving, snorkeling, off-roading, mountain climbing. You’ve tried everything I’ve asked and loved it. Trust me again. Try this. You love children. This could be the best gift to yourself and to me you’ll ever have. And you get to create this miracle. Don’t give up this chance. Do it for us. I love you, Emily. I can’t imagine life without you. Or that little one we created.”
“Susan has been gone for over eleven years. For all that time, I’ve known I wasn’t having children. Laurie’s known it about me too.”
“Did you tell anyone else?”
She shakes her head. “No one. So, you can’t expect me to change my mind about something this serious overnight. I need time to think. I did a lot of thinking last night. It was so lonely without you here. I couldn’t sleep, and all I did was think. Today, I had a visit with Dr. Reid, a psychologist who saw me for several years after Susan died to help me get through the loss and pain when my parents were too devastated to help me.”
“And, what did she have to say?”
“She says I need to start seeing her again. And as she told me way back then, I can’t blame myself. But that’s easier said than done.”
He turns away from me then and fusses with the ribbons on each of the bears, rubbing them like a toddler who’s missing his mom and wishing he could suck his thumb. I’ve really hurt him.
“So what does this mean for us? And for the baby?” he asks as he turns back to me.
“It means what I said, I need more time.”
“You haven’t got much time. Your appointment is next week.”
I take his hands in mine. “Then that’s all the time I have left. Until Wednesday of next week. I’ll need to decide by then.”
He pulls his hands from me. “While you’re deciding, you need to remember if you decide to abort this baby, the engagement is off, the wedding is off. We are over.”
“Chance, couldn’t we have a life together without our own children?” I beg.
“No. That’s not the life I want for me or for us,” he says. “I’ll pack up a few things. I’ll be staying at Chuck’s until you decide.”
He leaves then, and I can hear him in the bedroom opening drawers and in the spare room opening the closet door. When he’s finished packing, he comes back to me, gives me a light kiss on the cheek, and says, “Call me if you need me. Call me when you decide.”
He leans down to give Dolly a gentle rub and says, “Bye, Dolly, I hope I’ll be home soon.”
And he’s gone.
Chapter Twenty-four
Emily
Mom and I have plans for lunch today and a bit of shopping to pick out clothes for the honeymoon, but I’ve had so little sleep in the last two nights that I’m not looking forward to it. I’m just about ready to call and cancel when she shows up at my door early.
“Surprise! I thought I’d be early for a change,” she shouts as I open the door and let her in.
“I’m not even ready yet; you are early,” I say.
“Get a move on,” she says. “I’ve got coupons from Macy’s, Talbot’s, and Land’s End, so we’ve got a lot of stops to make. Can’t go to Hawaii naked, you know.”
“I’m not so sure I want to shop this early for honeymoon clothes,” I say, wondering if Chance and I will even have a honeymoon after all.
“Why?”
“What if I gain weight or lose it? Nothing will fit.”
“We’ll exc
hange it. Just keep the receipts. Since when would something as simple as that stop us from shopping?”
“Maybe I’m just not up for shopping today,” I say and plop down on the couch.
She sits down beside me and drapes her arm around my shoulder. I’m glad I moved the bears and book into the spare bedroom last night.
“Come over here,” she says as she moves me closer to her. “Are you getting nervous about this whole marriage thing? Cold feet?”
I cry. I haven’t cried in front of my mother since Susan died. This is impossible. It must be the hormones from the pregnancy. She never sees me so vulnerable.
“Chance and I had an argument.”
“Oh, hon, everyone has arguments. You’ll patch things up.”
“I don’t think we will. I told him I don’t want kids, and he wants them very much. He moved out, Mom. He’s staying at his brother’s house.”
“Wait? You, of all people, don’t want kids? That’s news to me. Why not?”
“I promised myself on the day Susan died I’d never have a kid. I’d never be responsible for the life of someone else again because I wasn’t responsible enough. I swore I wouldn’t hurt you and Dad again by having a kid that you couldn’t have when you wanted Susan so much and couldn’t have her. I made that decision a long time ago, and I’m sticking with it, whether Chance likes it or not.”
“Oh, Emily, don’t you see how foolish and selfish that is? Your Dad and I want nothing more than for you to have kids. Don’t you notice all the extra attention Laurie gets? That’s because she’s got the three kids. We love spending time with the grandkids and fussing over them. Sure, we don’t have Susan, but we have Izzy and Jayson and Jordan. We want more. You having met Chance and planning to marry has got Dad and me counting the months until maybe we could have some new blood in the family. Laurie’s kids aren’t getting any younger. We like them real little, fresh out of the oven, you know.”
