My pulse picked up speed as I pictured the scene I had just witnessed. I’d been surprised at first that I’d wanted to take Hudson up on his invitation, but more surprising was how natural the idea seemed to me the more I thought about it. I’d never considered being with two men at once, but lately that’s all I’d been able to think about and somehow, it made sense when I thought about being with those two men in particular.
Watching the two of them, I’d felt excited and more alive than I’d felt in years. Sure, I’d had occasional hookups, but those were more about the physical act of getting off than forming any real attachment to another person. There were no emotions involved in those situations. I already knew that there was no way I would be able to do anything with the two men downstairs and keep myself completely unattached. They were good men, friends of mine. Besides that, we worked together. I was already more emotionally involved with them than I usually allowed myself to be and that was part of why I’d run. The other part was the guilt I’d been feeling ever since I’d found myself attracted to the two men.
My thoughts turned to Sean, as they always did, and I felt the aching loneliness that often-accompanied thoughts of him. Sean had been my first real friend, my first love, hell, he’d been my first everything. Losing him had been the single hardest thing I’d ever been through. In my head, I knew he wouldn’t want me to be lonely, but it was my heart that struggled with the guilt of moving on, of letting go. Just the thought had the backs of my eyes burning and I reached up, rubbing my hands over them.
Another breeze blew over me, sweeping my hair back off my forehead and drying my eyes. With it came a sense of peace and I breathed in deeply, letting it calm my frayed nerves. The truth of the matter was that I was lonely. I’d been lonely for so long that somewhere along the way, it had become my new normal and I’d clung to it, as if the loneliness itself were my companion.
I was envious of people like Caleb and Carter Greene who had found their soulmates and were living the life that I’d dreamed of having at one time. Sean had taken that dream with him though and so I’d opened Agape House, throwing myself into my work and never letting anyone get too close.
The feelings that Hudson and Isaac had evoked in me scared me at first. It had been so long since I’d really felt anything at all that it had come as a shock to find myself wanting not just one, but two men. It was a reminder that as much as I loved my job and the kids I cared for, it wasn’t enough to hold the loneliness at bay.
When I’d sent Isaac and Hudson off the night before without me, I’d been torn between wishing I’d gone with them and hoping that the two of them would hit it off so I’d be free to move past whatever strange thoughts I’d been having and get back to my usual routine. Seeing them wrapped in each other’s arms in Isaac’s office, I’d thought that I was going to get the second option, but then Hudson had crooked his finger at me, changing everything.
I’d understood in an instant what that gesture meant and it had terrified me because of how badly I’d wanted to say yes. So, I’d run. Would it have been that bad to say yes, though? I knew that most people wouldn’t understand and some would have problems with three men getting involved with each other, but none of that bothered me. Most of the people I interacted with on a daily basis were very open-minded. Even if they weren’t, I knew that would be their problem, not mine.
Hudson and Isaac were both incredibly kind and handsome and my only concern was whether or not I was ready. I knew I needed more in my life than just work, I wanted more than that, but was I strong enough to put my heart out there and take a chance again? “How will you know if you don’t try?”
I sighed as I stood up, my body feeling drained from the tidal wave of emotions and the lack of sleep the night before. I made my way back down the steps, deciding to forego the coffee and go home instead. I slowed my pace as I neared Isaac’s office, wondering what I might find in there, but the light was off and there was no sign of him. My shoulders sagged and I tried to tell myself I was relieved, but the heaviness in my heart told me that it was disappointment I was feeling.
I grabbed my keys and my leather briefcase and then I headed back down the hallway, calling out my goodbyes to a couple of the kids on my way out the door. I pulled out of the parking lot and turned in the direction of home, but as I drove down the familiar roads, I thought about what waited for me there; nothing but a frozen dinner and my TV for company. Suddenly home was the last place I wanted to be.
Making a quick decision, I turned the car around and began heading in the opposite direction. My palms were slick with sweat and my heart was beating furiously as I neared my destination. It shouldn’t be a big deal to go out, especially when I’d been invited numerous times, but I rarely went anywhere besides work and home and I felt a little anxious about going to a new place. I needed to try though, I reminded myself. It was time to start making some changes and what easier way to start than with dinner and some familiar faces?
I’d heard how popular the place was, but I was surprised at how many cars were in the lot and I nearly turned the car around and left. My grip on the steering wheel had my knuckles turning white and I had to take a few deep, cleansing breaths before I was able to convince myself to step out of the car. I opened the front door and my eyes scanned the restaurant. Nearly every table was full and I realized somewhat embarrassedly that I should’ve probably called ahead for a reservation.
I turned to leave, proud of myself for at least trying when I was stopped by someone calling my name. I looked over my shoulder and saw Giovanni Romero making his way between the crowded tables, a giant grin on his face. Giovanni and his husband, Caleb, owned the restaurant I was standing in and both had played a very important role in getting the new Agape House up and running.
Caleb’s family had been longtime volunteers at the center and over the years had become friends of mine. They’d asked me several times to stop in and have dinner, but I’d always assumed they were asking just to be polite. Seeing Giovanni’s surprise and happiness at my being there made me feel badly that I’d waited so long to take them up on the offer.
“Matt! I’m so glad you’re here,” he exclaimed, shaking my hand.
“Umm, thanks, but I was just getting ready to leave,” I told him, gesturing over my shoulder with my thumb.
“Leave? Why?” Giovanni’s face fell as he looked at me.
“I didn’t realize…I don’t have a reservation,” I rushed to explain, stumbling over my words. I watched as his face broke out into a big smile.
“You don’t need a reservation, Matt. Friends and family never need a reservation. Come on,” he said. I started to object, but he was already walking away, giving me no choice but to follow him.
“Caleb will be so excited that you’re here.” He smiled at me as we reached a swinging door at the back of the restaurant and pushed it open. I stepped into the kitchen and my senses were immediately assaulted with the wonderful aroma of oregano and garlic cooking in melted butter. Caleb was standing in front of a huge stove and looked up as we walked in, smiling adoringly at his husband before he turned his attention to me.
“Matt!” he said happily. He walked towards me, using the towel slung over his shoulder to wipe his hands before pulling me into a hug. “It’s about time you came in. What can I get you to eat?”
“Oh, um. I’m not really picky,” I said as Caleb ushered me to a small table in the corner of the kitchen.
“Okay, Curtis will make you our specialty then,” he said, nodding to the young chef who grinned back at Caleb and then set to work. “Gio, will you get the wine, please?”
Giovanni nodded and moved around his husband and I noticed as his hand grazed Caleb’s waist as if he just couldn’t help himself. The two of them shared a tender look and I had to look away as I felt my heart grip painfully in my chest. Caleb must have caught the look on my face because as soon as Giovanni strode out of the room in search of wine he sat down across from me, a look of concern ev
ident on his handsome face.
“Are you alright, Matt?” he asked softly.
I stared into his warm green eyes. I knew Caleb to be a kind and caring person, giving his time and talents freely to the kids at the center and always lending an ear to those who needed a friend. I had spent years keeping myself closed off from everyone so I was surprised by just how much I wanted to open up to him, to finally share some of my story with another person.
And so, I did.
Caleb sat quietly, his eyes never leaving mine as I told him everything. I started at the beginning and didn’t leave anything out. Giovanni joined us and held his husband’s hand, showing his silent support. My food was delivered in front of me, but still, I never stopped talking. It was as if the floodgates had opened and I needed to purge myself of everything I’d been through. The only thing I didn’t mention was Isaac and Hudson and the feelings I’d been experiencing when they were near.
With each word that poured out of me, I felt the tightness in my chest loosening until finally, when I was finished, I slumped back into my chair, feeling exhausted, but also as if I could truly breathe for the first time in years.
Caleb’s eyes were swimming with unshed tears and held so much compassion as he stood up, made his way around the table, and wrapped me in a fierce hug. I was startled at first and I looked over Caleb’s shoulder, meeting Giovanni’s gaze, but he was smiling back at me. I reached up with shaky hands, patting Caleb on the back awkwardly.
“Thank you for telling us all of that,” Caleb whispered in my ear and then he drew back, taking my hands in his and looking directly at me. “I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been through, Matt, and I’m especially sorry that you’ve held it in for this long.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not really sure why that came out all of a sudden. That was certainly not my reason for coming here,” I explained, feeling a bit embarrassed that I had just unloaded that much personal information on my friends.
“Please, don’t apologize. We’re your friends, both of us,” Caleb said, glancing over his shoulder at his husband and I watched as Giovanni nodded his agreement. “And we want to be here for you. There’s no reason to go through life all on your own when there are people that want to care about you,” he said. I knew he was talking about our friendship, but I also found it quite fitting for Isaac and Hudson as well. I was tired of being a spectator in my own life, so why was I holding back? Was it wrong to want to grab a little bit of happiness for myself?
“You’re absolutely right,” I told Caleb. “Thank you both for listening and for dinner too, it was delicious,” I told them as I stood to leave.
“I’m just glad you finally stopped by. We’re going to expect to see your face around here more often, alright?” Giovanni said. He threw an arm around his husband’s shoulder and stuck his hand out towards me. I shook it and then Caleb came forward, wrapping his arms around my waist and giving me a firm hug. I hugged him back, feeling less awkward that time, and he was smiling as he stepped back.
“Now that you’re out and about more, I hope to see you at the party Saturday night,” he said.
“What party?” I asked.
“The going away party for Carter’s Creed. They’re heading out on tour so we’re having a big party to send them off.” I could see the pride and a touch of sadness as Caleb talked about his brother’s band. I knew as a twin, it must be especially difficult to be apart from each other for long periods of time.
“I’ll do my best,” I answered. His eyebrow lifted knowingly and I laughed. “No, I mean it. I’ll try to be there.” Satisfied with my answer, Caleb smiled and I turned and headed out the door, feeling much lighter than I had in a long time. As I made my way out to my car, I made a mental note to stop in once in a while and check on him while his brother was away. After all, that’s what friends do, I thought with a smile.
My phone chimed, alerting me to a new text message and I smiled when I picked it up and saw who it was.
HUDSON: I’m looking forward to tonight. It’s been too long since I saw you.
ME: You just saw me yesterday.
HUDSON: Exactly! That’s too long.
ME: It is for me too. I’ll see you tonight.
HUDSON: I’ll be counting the hours.
My smile widened with his response. It still took me by surprise that a man like Hudson would be even remotely interested in me. I didn’t understand what he could possibly see in me, but I’d promised myself that I would try to relax and enjoy it for however long it lasted.
We hadn’t gone out anymore since that first night and we barely had time to talk when he came into the center because more and more kids were scheduling private counseling sessions with him, which was a wonderful thing. He did take the time to stop by my office when he was there though to say hello and see how I was doing and we’d started texting each other throughout the day and every night before bed.
We were slowly getting to know each other, but neither of us were in a rush to take things further, as if by some unspoken agreement, we’d both decided we should wait to see what Matt would do. That is, if we ever got the chance to ask him about it. I was afraid to push Matt and had cautioned Hudson that doing so could result in him retreating back into his shell. Hudson, on the other hand, was convinced that Matt needed a little push to help him move on from whatever was holding him back. After what happened in my office, I was starting to think Hudson was right.
I’d been working that day when Hudson showed up at my door. We’d talked for a few minutes and Hudson was laughing at something I’d said when his mood suddenly shifted. He’d whispered to me that Matt was watching us from the doorway and before I knew what was happening, he’d taken my mouth in a smoldering kiss that left me weak in the knees.
It was only the second time he had kissed me and it was even better than I’d remembered. Maybe it was the passion behind his kiss, or maybe it was the knowledge that Matt was watching, but either way, I had to hold onto him just to keep myself from falling. Hudson held nothing back with that kiss and I knew that if we were to ever take things further, my body would go up in flames. When the kiss ended, I was disappointed to learn that Matt had gone, but Hudson told me he’d seen excitement in the man’s eyes when he’d crooked his finger at him, inviting him to join us.
I suppose I should’ve been a little more nervous at the thought of dating two men, but I wasn’t. In fact, the thought thrilled me. I had never dated anyone before so maybe that’s why I was able to seriously consider Hudson’s proposal. I had no preconceived notions of what a relationship should be like, so having two people care about me instead of just one seemed that much better.
Although, I was pretty sure the main reason I wasn’t nervous about it was because of who the two men were in particular. I had felt safe and cared for by Matt ever since I’d met him. I trusted him and I knew he was a good person. Hudson was proving to be just as kind and trustworthy and in the two brief times he’d held me in his strong arms, I’d felt like nothing in the world could ever harm me again.
It doesn’t hurt that they’re both mouth-wateringly sexy either, I thought with a smile. The sound of someone clearing their throat pulled me from my thoughts and I looked up, coming face to face with one of the men I’d just been fantasizing about.
“Hey! What has you smiling so much?” Matt asked.
“Oh, just thinking about something,” I answered vaguely, grateful that he couldn’t read my mind.
“I had to run a few errands and I stopped by that little deli you like and got us some sandwiches, if you’re hungry.” He looked almost shy as he held the small white bag up in his hand. I smiled, touched by the thoughtful gesture.
“Thank you. I’m starving actually,” I told him, moving papers aside and clearing a spot on my desk for the food.
“Good. I hope I remembered correctly. I got you the ham and swiss on wheat with spicy mustard,” he told me as he pulled out a sandwich wrapped neatly in wax paper.
&n
bsp; “That’s perfect,” I said.
I tried to hide my surprise at the fact that he had been paying enough attention to know what I liked, but I was sure he could hear it in my voice. I noticed his hands were shaking as he dug through the bag, producing a drink and a bag of chips and I wondered what had him so flustered. He’d never behaved that way around me before. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then, as if he’d changed his mind, he closed his mouth, picked up the bag containing his lunch, and started to walk out the door.
“Matt?” I called out. He whipped back around so fast it was almost comical if not for the wild look in his eyes. “Would you like to stay and eat with me?” There was a moment of indecision on his face as he weighed his options and I was sure he was going to say no.
“Yes, I’d love to.” I let out the breath I’d been holding and he smiled as if he were pleased with himself.
Matt walked back over and started unpacking his own food, then pulled a chair closer to my desk so he could sit. He was dressed in gray slacks that showed off his nice firm butt and I swallowed hard as he rolled the sleeves of his blue button-up shirt to his elbows, revealing smooth, olive-toned skin covered in a dusting of dark hair. I never realized that forearms were such a turn-on for me, but just seeing them had me picturing them on either side of my head as he braced himself above me.
“Isaac?” My eyes darted to Matt’s face and I saw the look of concern in his eyes.
“Um, sorry. I guess I zoned out for a minute,” I said sheepishly.
“That’s okay. I just asked how your day had been.”
“Busy, but good,” I answered. I went on to explain about the girl who had shown up at the center that morning needing a place to stay after the aunt she’d been living with kicked her out. “I showed her around and got her set up in a room. She seems like a good kid. I think she’ll fit in here just fine.”
Uniting the Souls Page 6
