by T L Swan
“How many?” I sob.
He drops his head. “Three times,” he says quietly.
“Three times!” I yell. That’s it, I’ve lost it. I put my head into my hands and weep. He pulls me into his arms and onto his lap. “Sh stop it, please don’t cry,” he kisses my face continually as he rubs my leg. We sit in silence all the way home, me too heartbroken to articulate and he too scared to speak in case he says the wrong thing. We pull up in front of my apartment and he moves me off his lap. I slowly get out of the car and walk towards the front foyer area and he walks in behind me. I turn.
“Josh, I don’t… I can’t do this… not anymore. It hurts…you just hurt me too much. This isn’t a healthy relationship for me. I can’t deal with this…baggage. You need to let me be.” I turn and walk off and he follows again without saying anything. “I mean it Josh, go home.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not ending it like this Tash. You can’t let that low life come between us. She means nothing to me.”
“Three times Josh. You went back for seconds and thirds.”
“It was before the wedding. I haven’t touched anyone since the first time we kissed at the wedding, I promise you.” Can I believe anything that comes out of his mouth? I’m exhausted. I don’t even have it in me to fight anymore. I turn to walk inside and he waves the driver off and the car pulls away. We get upstairs and I immediately strip off and head to my therapy of choice, a burning hot shower. This was definitely not the night I had planned. He wisely doesn’t come into the bathroom but waits for me in the lounge room with a cup of tea he has made for me. I dress quickly into my favourite nightwear and join him. He smiles when he sees my flannelette pyjamas.
“What,” I frown.
“I’d never thought I would see the day, but your pyjamas are kind of growing on me.” I momentarily forget I’m angry with him and look down and smile.
“I told you I would buy you some so we could match.” He smiles as he hands me my cup of tea and he leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. I don’t know what to think: is he lying to me? Has he stuck to our agreement? Actually, what a joke. I had to force him to agree not to be with anyone else. Who am I fucking kidding? This isn’t a relationship. This is a fuck buddy with benefits. Actually that isn’t even right because at the moment the benefits are a broken heart. I stand up and walk over to my kitchen bench.
“Josh, I need to ask you something and if you have any respect at all for me you will tell me the truth.” He swallows and nods.
“How many women have you slept with since you have been back in Australia?” He shakes his head.
“What a ridiculous question,” he snaps. “None since you.”
“Josh I mean it.” My voice is rising.
“Don’t fucking ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to, Natasha,” he snaps.
Ok, I’m getting outraged. “Josh, stop it. I want to know.”
“Why?”
“Because it matters to me.”
“Why?” His voice is rising and his anger levels are starting to match mine.
“You told me three times with that girl.” He scowls at me for bringing that up.
“How long are you going to throw that in my face?” he screams. Is he fucking kidding? Throw it in his face! I’m going to be throwing punches at his face in a minute.
“What I mean, asshole, is that if you were with her three times, how many times did you actually fuck her on each occasion?”
He narrows his eyes, finally understanding the question. “Fuck off, that’s semantics.”
“No it isn’t, we both know how well you…back up, again and again. So let’s see three times is more likely ten to twelve times in Josh language.”
“Fuck off, you just want to fight and I have heard just about as much of your shit as I am going to take. It was before I was with you and that is the end of it. Stop being a fucking Drama Queen!”
“Drama Queen!” I yell. “How many women, Josh?”
“I told you I’m not fucking going there. Now cut the shit or I’m leaving.”
“Fucking leave then!”
“Why does it matter to you how many women I have slept with?” he yells. “They mean nothing to me anyway, so who fucking cares?”
“Actually I do,” I scream.
He rubs his eyes. “You know what? I know what you are doing. You’re pulling your psychology shit on me, trying to fuck with my head and it’s working. You know I have a coloured past and that I like a bit of kink so don’t act all innocent now. I didn’t see you complaining when you were taking it the other night.”
Oh my god, he did not just say that. I narrow my eyes. “Bit of kink. What in the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I scream.
He steps back, shocked at my disgust. “I didn’t mean… that came out wrong.” He suddenly realises what he just said and is trying to back–pedal real fast. I throw an apple at him out of my fruit bowl and he ducks as it goes over his head.
“Well, sorry, I wasn’t aware that when I was taking it the other night that I was one of the many you were dishing out your bit of kink to. You fucking sleazebag! Get the fuck out of my house!” I scream.
“No,” he yells. “You don’t get to choose how this ends.”
“I just did,” I scream as I storm past him to my bedroom and I slam the door. I hear him coming after me so I quickly flick the lock.
He bangs on the door. “Open this fucking door!” he yells.
“Go back to the club, Josh, and pick up a few of your harem so you can give them a bit of kink,” I scream. “I’m sure they will love to take it!” The door suddenly smashes and I jump back from it. I frown. Ok, maybe I should shut up now. I hear my front door slam… And then, silence. Five minutes later I gingerly open the door and am relieved to find he has gone, my heart still racing at double speed, no doubt from the adrenaline of fighting with such an infuriating asshole. I look at the other side of my door to find a gaping big hole where he has punched it in anger. He is so fucking paying for that.
I head back to the shower.
I didn’t get my hot sex tonight but I definitely got a heated argument. And, quite frankly, I’m too pissed off to care.
Chapter 16
I awake, feeling kind of stupid. Joshua was right. I was being a drama queen last night, but in my defence I wasn’t expecting to meet or know a girl that he has slept with. I wonder what she was saying to him…and it has to be frigging TC, doesn’t it. I know I was out of line last night by bringing up his past. The fact that I don’t have a past is not helping me move on. If he thinks he can call me a drama queen and punch a hole in my door then he can go to hell. I am so not calling him.
You know the thing about waiting for an apology is that it’s stupid. Total torture. I think getting teeth pulled is less painful and definitely quicker. At least you can pop a pill and feel no pain. The worst thing is I am overanalysing everything to the maximum potential and two days after that dreaded fight I am seriously debating whether I am out of line and second–guessing myself. When the knock on the door came on Sunday my heart jumped and I ran excitedly to answer it, only to be bitterly disappointed when a handyman carrying another door was standing in the hallway. Hmm, figures I know he’s not going to apologise. Does he even have something to apologise for? Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. I sit at work on Tuesday after devouring yet another packet of biscuits, staring out the window with my coffee. I’m just so sick and tired of being so up and down. I was serious when I said this is not a healthy relationship for me to be in. It’s totally toxic. If one of my patients came in and told me about this relationship I would urge them to end it—it’s self–destructive. Why in the hell am I so addicted to him? My heart is aching for him. I have a deepseated sadness that I know I need to kick, but how in the hell do I do it? I run through the negatives.
He’s my cousin.
Our families will disown us.
; He lives in America.
He’s rich and famous.
He’s a total player.
He’s playing me…big time.
He doesn’t call me.
He leaves in the middle of the night.
He doesn’t put up with my shit.
His will is stronger than mine. Actually he is emotionally stronger than me which wouldn’t be hard though. I’ve never felt so weak.
We can only be together in secret.
Our feelings aren’t mutual. (This one hurts the most and tears threaten.)
He’s totally gorgeous. Why can’t he be fat and ugly, then I wouldn’t have so much damn competition. Why can’t my attraction to him be skin deep?
He’s too dominant in bed. (I smile, who am I kidding? His dominance is frigging perfect. There isn’t a woman in the world who wouldn’t want to be thrown around in bed by him.)
My mind wanders to the positives.
When I am with him I forget every damn negative thing about him and get lost in the moment, totally lost to him.
Hello, my lady. It’s a beautiful day. Do you want to go the harbourfront and grab some lunch?
I smile as I read the text from Simon. That’s exactly what I do want to do today. Our office is closed for a few days as it is being painted.
Sure, pick me up.
I jump in the shower, already feeling relieved I’m not going to go mad in this apartment by myself all day.
See you in an hour.
Four hours later I am sprawled out on the grass eating a large New York Mudcake waffle cone for dessert after eating my weight in Pasta Carbonara. I have to say, I’m feeling pretty damn relaxed. It’s so nice spending uncomplicated time with my dear motormouth friend. I’m not analysing or fretting and I’m not as horny as hell so I can actually use my brain. It makes for a nice change. ‘Diamonds’ rings out and I hand Simon my ice cream so I can rummage through my bag for my phone. I really need to clean some of this shit out of here. It’s Mum. I smile as I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of days.
“Hi Tash.”
“Hi Mum, how are you?”
“Good thanks, darling. What are you doing tonight?”
“Nothing,” I reply.
“Oh good, because Margaret and the boys are coming over for dinner and I want you to come.”
“Margaret,” I gasp. “When did she get here?”
“This morning. She’s staying with Joshua and his brothers for a couple of days.”
Oh great, there goes the neighbourhood.
“Um, I don’t know Mum. You know I can’t stand Margaret.”
“Who can?” she giggles. “I will see you at seven.”
“Ok, I suppose.” Great, a night with bitchface. I smile at the thought of seeing Josh though. This could turn out ok because now I won’t have to ring him after all, seeing as he was never calling me. “Is Bridge coming?”
“Yes, of course. I will see you tonight.”
7.15pm
I pull into my parents’ street and see Joshua’s Audi parked in my parents’ drive. I unfortunately also notice the car on the other side of the road with two bodyguards in it. Why is he being so heavily guarded? My heart starts to race as I check my reflection in the mirror for the hundredth time since leaving home and I have to say for the first time today I am feeling nervous. I’ve just remembered that Margaret has known about us all along and I’m well aware that this night could end up disastrous. Imagine if she knew it was still going on. A sly smile creeps onto my face. I’m such a bitch. I park the car and walk over to the bodyguards.
“Hi guys.” I smile through the window.
“Hi Natasha.” They both smile—it’s the same two from the pub.
“Do you guys really have to sit out here all night?” They both break into smiles.
“Yeah, it’s ok.” They laugh. “It’s our job and this gig is no different than sitting out front of your apartment all night.”
“Huh, you guys watch my place?” They both glance at each other and instantly look uncomfortable and I know they have revealed too much information. “See you later, guys.” I give them a wave as I walk back across the road and up to the front stairs of the house. That’s confusing. I have to remember to ask him what they are doing here. I stand outside the front door and listen as my heart races. Why am I so nervous? I know why—this is the first time we have been together around our parents since being adults and it’s frigging…nerve–racking.
I open the door and Cameron swoops in one loud roar and puts me into a headlock. He pulls me into the kitchen while I giggle and he announces to the family, “Look what the cat dragged in.”
I punch him swiftly in the ribs. “The cat did not drag me in.” He lets me go and as I come up he gives me a wink. I know he has done it to break the ice—he still thinks Joshua and I are fighting. Well we are, so he is on the money. I glance around and see Mum fussing in the kitchen being the hostess with the mostess…not.
“Hello, love,” she smiles. “Go and pour everyone a drink will you.” She’s firing orders at Bridge who rolls her eyes at me and I stifle a giggle. I look onto the back patio and I see Dad talking to Joshua and Wilson. Dad is talking and I don’t know what he is saying but he has the boys in stitches. I smile as I watch their interaction. Dad has a deep affection for the Stanton boys, I mean who wouldn’t. They’re polite, good–looking and well–educated. They all have a great sense of humour. Brock is talking to Margaret over in the corner. She has a champagne and strawberry in her hand. Each time I see her I am surprised by how attractive she actually is. Money will do that to a girl. Her deep chocolate shoulder–length hair is salon–styled and she is always dressed to the nines in designer labels. She makes me feel Mumsy. She smiles my way and I make my way over to them. Ok, here goes. I smile as I kiss her on the cheek.
“Natasha darling, how lovely to see you,” she smiles as she puts her arm around me. Huh? Ok, this is new.
“How have you been?” I ask politely.
“Great. You?” she asks.
“Fine thanks,” I smile. I turn and find Joshua, Wilson and Dad all looking our way.
‘Hi.” I smile. Joshua smiles, his eyes drop down the length of my body and he gently cracks his neck. I silently thank the Lord I wore this white backless Maxi Dress. It seems to be having the desired effect.
“Tash darling,” my mother calls from the kitchen. Saved by the bell.
“Excuse me.” I walk into the kitchen to see Bridget laughing.
“Mum has burnt the potato bake,” she laughs. “It’s now a charcoal bake.”
I giggle. “Good one, Mum.” She rolls her eyes.
“Honestly, entertaining is over–rated don’t you think?” She winks at Bridget. Bridget smiles.
“Yes, why do you think I don’t do it?” I get out my phone and I text him:
Hello x
I smile and wait, it beeps:
Hello
Hmm:
Did you purposely not return my kiss?
I wait a few moments. As I look out the back I see he is talking so I wait. It beeps again:
Did you purposely not apologise?
Damn it. I am going to have to swallow my pride. I knew it.
Sorry xx
I watch him from the kitchen and I see him smile as he reads it.
And
Oh jeez, now he wants me to beg.
And you were right, I was acting like a drama queen.
I wait again.
XX
I am beaming like an idiot. I go back to the kitchen and try and help Mum save the potato bake. My phone beeps again:
I missed you today.
Oh my god. My heart stops. What the hell…PROGRESS. This is the first time he has conveyed any type of emotion other than the fact that he adores me. My heart swells and I text back:
I miss you every day xx
I can’t help it, an over–the–top smile beams from my face as I read and re–read the words he has just texted me. I miss
you. I am loving myself sick right now.
“Something funny?” Josh whispers over my shoulder. I jump back and do wide eyes at him. For Pete’s sake what’s he doing?
“Natasha, this potato is catastrophic. Can you go the shop and get me some more cream, honey?”
“Ok,” I smile as I look around for my keys. Poor Mum. Trust her to burn something on tonight of all nights. Margaret will love this shit.
“I’ll drive you,” Josh snaps and before I can retort and tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea he grabs his keys and is out the front door. I give Bridge a shrug, and she gives me her best don’t fucking do it look. I slowly follow him outside and down the stairs. And then he is on me. Grabbing me by the arm he pulls me around the side of the house. He’s kissing me like his life depends on it. My back is against the wall and he is leaning over me, his hands resting on the wall behind me. Excitement starts to warm my blood. I can feel his large erection digging into my stomach, it’s promising me carnal things, things that I so desperately want and need. My eyes close as he cups my face in both his hands and tenderly swipes his tongue through my open lips. He grabs my head at my nape and moves me to mould the way he wants me. I can feel a familiar pulse between my legs as he ignites my arousal with his possession.
“Stop fighting with me about shit,” he whispers in between kisses.
“Stop sleeping with other women,” I breathe.
“You know you have me, what are you worried about?” He kisses me deeply again as he grabs my face.
“Do I have you, Josh?” I question.
“Completely,” he breathes. Shit, good answer. My heart melts. Completely. Well he has me completely under his spell, completely in love with him and completely needing to climb his big beautiful body and take him inside me.
“Josh, let’s just go inside and tell them.” He kisses me again but doesn’t answer. Our passion turns desperate as he grinds up against me and lifts my leg around his hip so he can gain access to my wet centre.
“I want to try and make a go of it. I will move back to America with you.” He stills and pulls back to look at me and my leg drops to the ground as he frowns.
