by T L Swan
“Do you mind?” I snap. I’m not in the mood for his shit either. He takes another swig of his beer but stays silent. He comes over to the walk–in shower and leans on the wall of the entrance with his shoulder, his face impassive. Obviously he has something to say to me but is trying to word it correctly in his head.
“How long?” he asks. I drop my head and continue washing my legs, deliberately ignoring his question.
“All along… have you always been seeing her?”
My eyes shoot up. “Fuck, no,” I snap.
“Since when then?” he questions. “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we told each other everything.” “Cam,” I sigh. “This is fucked–up shit that I don’t want anybody to know about.”
He sits back on the side of the bath and takes another sip of his beer. “I want to know since when?”
I sigh and drop my head. “Since we had that fight at the fight night.” He nods and takes another sip of his beer. I stay silent as I wait for him to start going off at me but he doesn’t. He stays silent which is worse… much worse. I turn the water off and get out and start drying myself while he sits in silence watching me.
“Do you love her?” He takes another sip of his beer.
I wrap the towel around my hips. “What do you reckon?”
He raises his eyebrows and smirks. “Well as I sit here and read her name written down the fucking length of your body, I would say yes.” I raise my eyebrows at him and shake my head. “It’s not that bad you know.” He sighs.
“Huh, what do you mean?” I walk into my room. He follows me and sits on my bed. I drop the towel and head into my walk–in robe.
“Being with her, it’s not that bad.”
“Fuck off,” I snap. “It’s woeful.”
“Twenty per cent of marriages worldwide are between first cousins you know.”
I frown. “How do you know that? That’s bullshit,” I snap.
“Seriously, it’s not that bad.”
I shake my head. “No, it is that bad, you are just desensitized to this shit like her because you’re a doctor, well soon–to–be doctor, whatever.”
“What does she say about it?” he asks.
I shrug. “She wants to come out and move back to America with me.”
He raises his eyebrows and takes another swig of his beer. “Shit. Have you forgiven her?” I frown, unsure what he is talking about. “For playing up on you.”
I smirk a sad smile as I pull my jeans up. “She didn’t. She lied so I would go to America and not throw away the opportunity.”
His eyes widen. “Fuck,” he whispers.
“I know.” I sit on the bed to put my shoes on.
“Are you going out?” He frowns.
I nod. “Yeah I have to see her. I have some serious explaining to do.”
He nods and smiles. “You seem scared, what, is she a ballbuster or something?”
I smile. “You have no fucking idea—we fight nearly every time we see each other.”
“Seriously?”
“She doesn’t put up with my shit which is,” I shrug, “refreshing I suppose. Without sounding conceited I am pretty used to women doing anything I say.”
He listens and I can see him thinking. “Do you think that’s what the attraction is, the defiance thing?”
I shake my head. “I wish it was just that.” I flop back down on the bed as I try to articulate my thoughts.
“I’ve never been with anyone remotely like her. She’s funny, beautiful and smart.” I rub the heels of my palms into my eye sockets. “And the sex.” I shake my head and blow out a breath. “She fucking blows my mind. You have no idea how hot the sex is. It’s… ridiculous. And it’s intimate which is new.”
He frowns. “Intimate, what you mean?”
I shrug and stand back up. “If I knew how to turn it off I would have done it seven years ago.”
“Do you think that maybe it’s just that she was the first girl you loved that you are so stuck on her?”
I smile and nod. “I did think that, but since I have been with her again I’ve fallen harder for her again. It’s totally fucked. I have absolutely no control over her or my feelings when I’m with her and it’s fucking with my head. I’ve lost six fucking kilos since I got back. She makes me so crazy I can’t even eat.”
He winces. “This whole situation sounds shit. Just don’t tell Mum until…”He shrugs. “… you know if it’s going to work out. Don’t put yourself through it,” he smiles. “Actually, don’t put me through it. She will go fucking apeshit when she finds out.”
“Just tell her I’ve gone to bed then, will you? And then tell her I’ve gone to work early in the morning.”
“Are you not coming home at all?”
“Probably in half an hour. She’s going to kick my ass when I get over there but hopefully I will be staying.” I quickly throw my work gear into an overnight bag. He watches me silently as I move around my room.
“Going somewhere Joshua?”
Fuck, it’s Mum. I don’t need this shit. How did she hear us?
“Yes,” I keep my eyes down as I keep packing my gear in my bag.
“Where are you going?” One of her eyebrows rises as she waits for my answer and her arms are crossed in front of her. She knows damn well where I am going so I don’t answer.
Cameron interjects. “Come on Mum, where’s my cocktail?”
She holds up her hand. “In a minute, Cameron. Give us some privacy please.”
I glare at Cameron, warning him not to go anywhere. “Cameron can stay, Mother. I have nothing to hide from him. What is it you want to say?”
She walks over to the window with her back to me and pulls the curtains back and stares out at the view. “What is going on with Natasha, Joshua? And don’t you dare lie to me.”
Cameron does wide eyes to me, signalling silence.
“I’m still attracted to her,” I answer as I close my eyes and wait for the backlash.
She turns and smiles at me. “I know you are attracted to a lot of women, Joshua. God knows you’ve slept with more than your share.” I bite my lip as I listen to her. “You realise that if you allow her to persuade you into her bed, you will disgrace the family.” I smile. The fucking gall of this woman, I really have had enough of her shit for one night. Cameron shakes his head at me, again signalling my silence.
“Natasha would never have to persuade me into her bed. I would go there willingly.” She narrows her eyes at me and I cross my arms in front of me in defiance.
“Tell me Mother, does Dad know you use your money to intimidate people?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” she snaps.
“Natasha asked you tonight if it mattered to you if your boys married into money.”
“And?” she snaps.
“You totally ignored the question.”
“Of course I want my boys to marry into money. Any self – respecting mother would want good breeding for her grandchildren.”
I stand up and start throwing my things into my bag again. “That’s funny, because if I know the story right , Dad’s parents didn’t accept you because you came from a poor family. Yet you have the audacity to judge Natasha.”
“Natasha is a self – absorbed social–ladder climber Joshua and even if you were not related to her, which you are, I would not approve. The girl repulses me.” That’s it. I pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder. “Where are you going? Put your bag back down immediately until you tell me where you are going.”
I turn slowly. “Josh, just go,” Cameron urges.
“You want to know where I am going, Mother.” I have never been so angry. She glares at me “Do you really want to know?” I whisper again.
“Enlighten me,” she growls.
“I’m going to Natasha’s and then I am going to beg for her forgiveness for letting you speak to her like a piece of dirt tonight.”
“Don’t you dare apologise for me. I meant every word I said,” s
he screams.
“I won’t be home tonight,” I snap as I grab my bag.
“Joshua, no, you can’t sleep with her again. She’s bad news,” she says frantically.
“No, Mother!” I scream. “Natasha is the only thing that is good! I have been holding myself back from her out of respect for you. But seeing you don’t respect her, or me, it’s on, and you can blame yourself.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Totally!”
She runs and grabs my arm. “Cameron, talk some sense into your brother. Joshua, no. Don’t leave. This is what she wants, to cause trouble between us.”
“What! You can’t be serious. I am going to spend the night with the one woman in the world who doesn’t love me for my money. The one woman who I have no doubt can make me happy.”
“You’re a fool, Joshua. She will break your heart again and deep down you know that. This can never have a happy ending. As soon as her family finds out, she will leave you again and then who will pick up the pieces?” I storm out and grab the keys to my car, trying my hardest not to punch something. I’ve had enough of this shit. Why is everything so fucking hard?
The apartment is too quiet when I enter. I used my key because I know she wouldn’t have opened the door if I knocked. She must be asleep. I walk into the bedroom and see her lying with her back to me. She hasn’t moved so I’m assuming she’s asleep. I watch her for a few minutes in silence. My heart aches just to touch her, to soothe her, to tell her everything will be alright. I just wish I knew if it will be. Probably a good thing she’s asleep. I’m too fucking angry with my mother to even talk to Natasha now. I will only end up fighting with her again which is exactly what my bitch of a mother wants. I can’t believe she brought up Amelie…that’s low, even for her. How in the fuck am I going to explain that one? She might be the one punching holes in the door this time.
I hear the key in the door and I quickly jump under the covers. I am way too mad to speak to him but he’s damn lucky he had the guts to come. He walks to the bedroom door and I watch his reflection in the mirror. He doesn’t say anything and blows out a breath as he walks back into the lounge room while running his hands through his hair. I hear the jug flick on and then fussing about in the kitchen. What is he doing? The toaster pops. What in the world? He’s making toast and a cup of tea. I hear the television flick on. Now I’ve seen it all. Actually I’m hungry too. The wicked witch of the west killed my appetite at dinner. How does she live with herself? I lie in bed and try to think of this evening’s events from his side. It wasn’t his fault his mother was a bitch, but then he didn’t defend me either—it was Cam who told her to shut up. Was Josh really just trying to diffuse the situation? This is a mess. And the Amelie thing. My heart aches as I ponder this one; he has lied to me again. Even if they are just friends she obviously has a hold over him if he drives her everywhere for horse stuff. She lives in his country estate and she’s a veterinarian. I can’t compete with this shit. I hate horses with a passion. I roll over for the hundredth time and punch the pillow. A depressing thought crosses my mind. Even if Josh and I have the guts to come clean about our relationship or whatever this is between us, our lives are just so different that we might not work out in the long run anyway. Do we even have anything in common? I mean, honestly, apart from sex what do we have other than memories? A lump forms in my throat as I try my hardest to suppress my tears. How do I walk away from him without this hurt? I need to get out of this relationship—it’s going to break me I just know it. It’s not healthy for either of us. An hour later he comes into the bedroom after a shower, with a towel around him. It has taken all of my strength not to go out into the lounge room and demand answers but I know I can’t fight with him tonight. I don’t have the strength. I will end up crying like a baby. I feel weak and it’s an emotion I have become way too familiar with lately. I have never felt so weak in my life. It’s true, I feel better with him here and if we fight and he leaves I will just put myself through hell again anyway. If I just act asleep maybe we will both actually get some sleep and maybe I will calm down enough so I can actually articulate what I want to say. What do I want to say? He pulls the blankets back and silently slips in behind me, pulling me into an embrace. I pretend to be asleep.
“I hate these fucking flannelette pyjamas,” he whispers as he cuddles into my back. I smile on the inside. He gently kisses my hair and blows out a breath. “We will talk about it in the morning precious,” he whispers. “That’s if my balls haven’t exploded by then.” I smile as I hear the last words he has spoken. I must admit, all this dirty talk and no action is about to explode my ovaries as well. Glad I’m not the only hornbag in the house. I stifle a giggle as the last thought runs through my head.
“You find this funny,” he whispers and I roll over to face him.
“No,” I pull a sad face and he leans in and kisses my cheek.
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry.” He gives me a sad smile.
“I’m mad with you, Josh.”
“I know,” he whispers and he runs his fingers up and down my arm. We stay silent, both lost in our own thoughts while looking at each other.
“I can’t handle fighting with you tonight. We haven’t spoken in three days. Let me stay and we will talk about it in the morning.” I narrow my eyes as I sum up his words. He acts like he cares. Does he truly care or is it an act?
“You won’t be here in the morning, Josh. We both know that,” I sigh.
“You know why I never stay with you presh?” My eyes tear up and I shake my head. I can’t say the reason I know out loud because it just hurts too much. He can’t even bear to look at me as he does the walk of shame. He’s just that ashamed that we have been together and every time I think of this reality my heart breaks just that little bit further.
“Because I can’t handle saying goodbye to you,” he whispers. “I never want to say goodbye. This is not easy on me either you know.” His voice betrays a deep sadness, much like the one I’m feeling myself. The tightness in my throat hurts as I try to suppress the tears that threaten again. Stop saying things like that. You’re fucking with my head.
“Baby, don’t cry,” he whispers as he wipes a lone tear that rolls down my face.
“Josh, we are not going to make it, are we? The hill is just too steep. We have too much against us”. My heart rate picks up as I try to grip the reality of the situation, my lip quivers and I sob out loud. There is no way out of this. If I stay I get hurt. If I leave…I can’t even face that reality and pain lances through my chest. I already know what awaits me. He stays silent as he sums up my words and he leans his forehead in to touch mine. I run my fingers through the sideburns of his hair and down his jawline along his heavy stubble and his eyes close at the contact. He has an air of resignation about him. I can feel it. I know, because I have it myself.
“Can’t you just shut up and look pretty?” he whispers as he bites his lip. I stifle a giggle. I did not expect him to say that but it’s frigging funny. Trust him to put our saying into that context. I know in my heart I don’t have him for long. In fact tonight is probably going to be our last night together. Once I give it to him an ultimatum tomorrow, and I will be. I know he won’t hang around, that’s if I even hear from him after I wake up alone. We both know it’s only a matter of time until his mother gets to him.
“Josh, I think you are probably better suited to Amelie,” I whisper. “You should go home to her.” My heart breaks as I close my eyes. I mentally kick myself. I swore that I wouldn’t do this tonight, but I’m not strong enough to stop myself. He grabs my chin and rips it up to his face.
“You listen to me,” he growls. “You are the only woman I want. I don’t want Amelie. I. Want. You.”
My eyes tear up again. “Baby I can’t do this…this casual thing. We are either together or we are not. It’s messing with my head too much, Josh. It’s breaking my heart.”
He swallows and nods. “Mine too.” I frown at him—he says
the most confusing things. What does that mean?
He stays silent. “Then let’s be together,” he whispers. “I want to be with you, Tash. Do you want to be with me is the question?”
My eyes meet his. “Yes, you know I do.” He gently grabs my face with his two hands and passionately swipes his tongue between my lips.
“Then, be mine.” The finality in his tone sends my pheromones into overdrive and goose bumps scatter over my body.
“Are you mine, Josh?”
He smiles. “I told you already. Completely.” There is that word that I love again. Completely. He kisses me again more urgently. “If I rip these pyjamas will you throw them out?” he smiles into my neck.
I giggle. “Then what would I wear to bed?” He grabs my behind and grinds his hips forward, circling his pubic bone against my clitoris.
“Me.” I smile, hmm, I do like the sound of that. “You think you want to be my girlfriend but there are stipulations you know?” I smile as I listen to the words he is saying. Girlfriend, I like it, I like it a lot.
“Like what?” I whisper.
“Definitely no pyjamas, and I need a lot more sex than you have been giving me.” He has that look in his eyes that I love, the one that makes me scream in ecstasy. “You’ve had me on rations and I’m not coping. A man’s not a camel you know,” I smile as his oral assault moves lower.
“Tell me something. As your girlfriend how often will I be given sex? I mean, you’re not the only one who has a healthy appetite.”
He smiles at me. “You will be well fed, put it that way.” I frown and smile, how are we not fighting? Just when I think I can read how a situation is going to go, it goes the other way. My hands run over his strong large shoulders.
“What are you going to feed me?” I run my fingers roughly through his hair, desire starting to take me over as my legs fall wider open.
