by T L Swan
“Whatever.” He sighs. “Call me if you need help.” He hangs up.
I rat through the cupboards and find one pad, no packet. Oh, this is just great.
I walk back to the wardrobe with the pad and start looking for more things. Surely she has more packets somewhere. I look through her handbags and find a few tampons. I hold one up to look at it and narrow my eyes … hmm. This is weird shit.
After cleaning Tash up, I go back to the wardrobe to start searching for more packets. How many will I need? Why isn’t she more organised? This is so typical Natasha. In the bottom of her wardrobe I find a couple of shoeboxes stacked on top of each other and I open the top one. I frown. It’s full of books. Small leatherbound books. I open one. It’s a diary. I rat through the other boxes, these are all diaries and she has kept every one. Twelve, there are twelve diaries here. My eyes widen at my find, but I have more pressing issues at the moment … like where do I get more pads? I am going to have to go to the shop myself. She wouldn’t want me to send my staff. Where do you even buy this stuff? I take out my phone and call Cameron again.
“Hey,” he answers.
“Where do I get this stuff?” I ask in a rush.
“Huh, what stuff?”
“Girl’s stuff you idiot, what do you think I mean?”
He laughs. “The pharmacy, fuckwit.”
I nod. “Hmm, makes sense. Right.” I hang up and call Max.
“Max, I have to go out for ten minutes. Can you come and sit in the lounge room and watch Tash for me?”
“Yeah sure, I will be right up.”
Fifteen minutes later I am in a pharmacy, walking up and down the aisles looking for the relevant section. My guards are waiting out the front on my instruction. I finally find what I am looking for and my eyes flick over the shelves, hmm. What size? I frown as I look at the large selection of tampons and I rub my chin: mini, regular, super … mini … she would be mini … she’s definitely not super. I grab a basket and ten packets of mini tampons. Now pads. My eyes flick over the packets, wings … wings … what the fuck is that? Night-time, what’s the difference between day and night? I frown and rub my head in frustration. Maternity, I thought women didn’t get their period when they are pregnant. Seriously I should have listened in school at those sex education classes. I end up grabbing one of each packet and head to the cashier with my hands and basket full.
There are two young girls on the counter and their eyes flick to each other as I unload my shopping basket. This is embarrassing.
The girl on the checkout smiles. “How many girlfriends do you have?”
I smile in embarrassment. “Just one.”
The both smile broadly at me and I squirm uncomfortably. “Overkill?” I smirk.
“Slightly,” says one of the girls. I smile in return and rub my forehead.
“That will be $192.00 thanks.” The checkout girl smiles.
Shit, this stuff is expensive. I nod nervously, pay and head back to the car with my five bags of supplies. Even checkout chicks are now putting shit on me, what next?
I walk into the apartment to find Max sitting on the lounge and I walk past him and carry the bags into the bedroom, Tash is still asleep. I bend and kiss her forehead softly and return to the lounge room.
“Thank you,” I nod to Max. “Did she wake up at all?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
I walk into the kitchen and flick the jug on. I would kill for a decent coffee right now.
“Can I talk to you?” Max asks.
I raise my eyebrows at him. “What is it?”
“I just wanted to explain why I helped Natasha leave LA.”
I stare at him deadpan and raise my eyebrows.
“I couldn’t let her be alone in LA, she had no money and she was so vulnerable. I had watched her go through absolute hell since her father died.”
Fury erupts in my stomach. “And what do you think I had been through? I was in hospital for a drug overdose.”
“You slept with Amelie and she was distraught,” he replies.
I narrow my eyes at him. “I know what fucking happened,” I yell. “You can go,” I snap. “I’m not explaining myself to you. You have no idea what is going on between Natasha and me, so cut the bullshit!”
He stands. “Are you going to fire me?”
“If it wasn’t for Natasha you would have been out on your ass long before this and you know that.”
“I don’t want animosity between us. I want to stay guarding Natasha and I want us to get along,” he replies.
I roll my eyes and put my hands on my hips as my angry eyes meet his. “At this moment the only thing I am worried about is Natasha waking up. I want her to be safe from that psycho Coby Allender and if you do your job and keep her safe we will get along just fine. Other than that, I want nothing to do with you.”
He stands slowly.
“Loyalty is earned Max,” I snap.
He nods and drops his head.
“I appreciate you being loyal to Natasha, but let’s leave it at that,” I say flatly.
He nods and leaves the apartment silently.
I go back in to check on Tash. She is lying on her back with the blankets pulled up around her face. I smile—so perfect. I gently lie next to her and kiss her cheek.
“Are you ok, presh?” I whisper.
No reply.
It’s four o’clock. I have been lying next to Tash in my boxer shorts for most of the day watching television. My eyes constantly flick to her … over her. I’m worried she has a brain tumour. This migraine thing is not normal for a healthy woman. I have been looking after her feminine needs all day and the intimacy of the act is turning me inside out. I crave this level of attachment to her, from her. I notice the walk-in wardrobe light is on and I get up to turn it off. My eyes flick to the shoe boxes in the bottom of the wardrobe, her diaries. I walk over and pick up the boxes and go back and lie in bed. I open the first one: 2002, she was thirteen. I read a few pages and smile, adorable and so childlike.
I flick through the next few books. They are so candid. She talks about everything from school to being grounded. She thinks she’s a geek and complains about being too smart. I smile broadly. I rat back through the box and find the one I am after: 2006. I pause before I open it, should I do this? Do I want to know what’s in her head? I close it and put it back in the box. No … I don’t. I get up and make myself a protein shake and sit at the kitchen bench while I think. Maybe I will just read the first one, the one where she and I first made love. I go back to the bedroom with renewed vigour and open the diary. I flick through till I get to the date I am after.
28/12/2006
Dear Diary
We swam today all day. I’m missing Bridget. I spent the day with Joshua and I’m sunburnt. Joshua is trying to teach me how to surf. I don’t really want to learn but it means I can spend time with him. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh.
I smile, I remember that day.
31/12/2006
Dear Diary
I spent the day with Joshua again. Something is wrong with me. I am having bad thoughts about him. I sit here on my deck chair and he is opposite me as we all sit around the campfire. He is drinking hot chocolate. I want to move my chair next to him. I can’t stop thinking about him, I think I like him. He makes me feel butterflies in my stomach. It’s new year’s eve and all I want is for him to kiss me at 12 o’clock. He keeps looking at me and I don’t know if I’m imagining it. I think I am going crazy. He’s my cousin.
I smile and turn the page.
2/1/2006
Joshua has not talked to me all day. I think he knows that I like him. God, I’m such an idiot. I want to go home, I’m embarrassed. I miss Bridget. She would know what to do.
I remember that day, I was confused and purposely kept my distance. I turn the page.
3/1/2006
OMG big news. I asked Joshua when we were in the water at the beach why he wasn’t talking to me and he to
ld me because he wanted to kiss me and he was having bad thoughts. I couldn’t help it. I smiled and he splashed me and then tried to drown me.
I smirk to myself—did I really try to drown her?
4/1/2006
At the beach today I was sunbaking and Joshua was lying next to me. He asked me why I smiled yesterday and I didn’t know what to say. I should have lied but I couldn’t. I told him that I have been having bad thoughts too. He held my hand as we sunbaked. I loved today.
I smile broadly. I remember all of this. It was exactly the same for me.
5/1/2006
Today was the best day of my life. Joshua and I spent the day surfing and then tonight when we were washing up with Cameron in the kitchen Joshua kept looking at me differently. The last couple of days he has started doing this cracking the neck thing when his eyes drop down my body. It’s fucking hot. What does it mean? Cameron went back to the others and Joshua grabbed my face and rubbed his thumb over my lips. He kissed me, just gently. He told me that he wanted to know how I tasted and that he couldn’t help it. I grabbed him and kissed him properly. Like tongue kissed … kissed. He backed away and told me to go to bed because he shouldn’t be doing this. I told him I think about him when I go to bed. He closed his eyes and told me to stop but then he kissed me again. It was the best kiss ever. He’s so beautiful.
6/1/2006
Joshua came to wake me up this morning, he came into my tent and told me he has been thinking about me all night and hadn’t slept. I couldn’t help it, I made him lie next to me and we kissed for over an hour. I have never felt so … happy. He makes me feel special.
My eyes flick to the perfect woman lying beside me and I put my hand on her leg. “That’s because you are special precious girl,” I whisper as I lean and kiss her again and inhale her scent.
6/1/2006
I’m being bad, I can’t help it. I asked Joshua to come to me tonight when everyone has gone to bed. He said no. I’m an idiot. I am forcing myself onto him. I will not embarrass myself tomorrow. I will stay away from Joshua if it kills me.
My face drops, is that how she felt … because that’s how I felt.
7/1/2006
Joshua came to me last night. I woke up and he was in bed with me. It was perfect and … he was hard. We made out all night. I have never felt like this. The clothes stayed on but I wanted them off. I wish I was more experienced so I knew how to please him.
I frown as I read the last line, is she kidding? She was my every fucking wet dream come true, hot, smart, beautiful … innocent. How could she have thought that she didn’t please me? I put the book to the side and lie down next to her. I shouldn’t be reading this but I can’t help myself. I lean over her and kiss her gently on the lips.
“Presh … wake up baby. I want to see if you are ok.”
No response. I pick the book back up and continue reading.
10/1/2006
I love him.
I love him and I can’t have him. We laugh all day and make out all night. He is perfect, my every dream.
My face drops.
14/1/2006
Things have turned physical between us. Last night we were both completely naked together. Joshua is so patient and gentle with me … he is teaching me how to orgasm. I love him so much, I need him in my life.
16/1/2006
He wore me down.
I couldn’t help it. Joshua has been trying to go down on me all week and I haven’t wanted him to. I’m embarrassed. Tonight he took over and wouldn’t listen to me. OMG. HE IS AMAZING. I took him in my mouth too but he wouldn’t come in my mouth. He tasted perfect. I never thought sex would be as beautiful as this.
I smile broadly, this is exactly how I remember everything. I wouldn’t come in her mouth because I didn’t want her first head job to be traumatising. My face drops as I realise that thought. I loved her even then.
18/1/2006
I want it to be Joshua. I want to give my virginity to him so he will always know that I love him. I don’t know how to ask him, he may not want to sleep with his cousin. WHY ARE WE RELATED?
I close my eyes in pain, why are we related?
19/1/2006
Joshua and I made love last night. It was beautiful and it fucking hurt. I am no longer a virgin. I told him I loved him but he didn’t say it back … it hurt my feelings.
I put the book down and rub my face with both hands. I knew I fucking hurt her. I can still remember the feeling of her hanging on to me so tightly. Christ, why the fuck am I reading this shit? It’s messing with my head. She always tells me she loves me and I never fucking say it back. What’s wrong with me?
23/1/2006
Joshua and I cannot get enough of each other. We sneak away every chance we get. We can’t stop, I will never get enough of him. We are now making love at least four times a night, it doesn’t hurt any more … it feels good … amazing. I’m addicted to his touch … to his love. We only have two more weeks together. Joshua told me he has never been in love before but he thinks he loves me. I hope he does!
I smile and keep reading
23/1/2006
Joshua makes me laugh. We get each other’s jokes when no one else understands what we are talking about. Even without the sex he is my perfect man, tall, athletic, smart. He looks at me this way when he thinks I’m not watching and he cracks his neck. It’s the hottest thing I have ever seen … it means he is getting hard. Ready for me, my new favourite thing is going down on him. I love watching him come apart … so hot.
I rearrange the erection in my boxer shorts. Reading that she loved going down on me even back then is a major turn on. I can remember how much she used to love it … it’s burned into my brain. My eyes flick to her half-naked body sprawled out on the bed. Ohh, you’re going to cop it baby girl when you wake up. Hard, I need it hard. I stroke myself to try and stop the need. I bend and kiss her stomach gently and my cock hardens further. God, I want her.
I hear the front door open. “Hey, it’s me,” Cameron calls from the lounge room.
I jump nervously and throw the diaries back into the box and kick it under the bed. I bend and kiss her thigh and quickly wrap a towel around myself to hide my erection. I head out to see him.
“Is she still out?” Cameron asks as he hands me a coffee.
“Thanks.” I take it and nod.
“What’s with the boner?” he smirks.
I look down to the obvious erection through the towel and I shrug.
“She’s unconscious,” Cameron says flatly.
I smirk and nod as I sip my coffee. “I know.” My eyes meet his.
He shakes his head and rolls his eyes as he walks up the hall to Natasha’s bedroom. He stands at the door as he takes a stethoscope from his pocket. I quickly scoot past him and pull the blankets up over her. It is just getting dark so I flick on the side lamp.
He smirks at me. “You know I’m a doctor right?”
I nod. “Yeah, I know. I also know you’re a sex maniac.”
He rolls his eyes.
I smile and bend to kiss Tash on the side of the face again as I gently take a seat beside her with my coffee.
He picks up her hand and starts to take her pulse.
“What time will she wake up?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Between twelve and sixteen hours after she was sedated.”
“Do you think she has a brain tumour?” I ask.
He smiles as his eyes stay on her face. “No.”
“Do you think she has brain cancer?”
He shakes his head again. “No.” He widens his eyes at me.
I watch him silently as he pulls up her shirt and listens to her chest.
“How are you going with the period thing?” He smiles.
“Fine,” I snap as I take a sip of my coffee.
He smiles broadly.
“What?”
“This domestic version of Stan is very entertaining.”
I fake a smile. “Hilarious.”
He picks his coffee up from the side table and takes a seat on the end of the bed.
“What happened? Why did she get this migraine?”
I shrug. “Probably because I am an idiot who keeps stressing her out.” I sigh.
“Did you tell her you didn’t trust her?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Did you argue?” he asks.
“No, she was calm and I argued. Tell me, Cam, do you think Natasha loves me?” I sigh.
He smiles. “I hope so.”
My face drops.
“Of course she does, idiot.” He frowns. “Why would you even say that?”
I shrug and take a drink of my coffee. “She keeps leaving me.”
He shakes his head. “Josh … she has had her own reasons. She has never played up on you. Hell, she hasn’t even slept with anyone else.” He frowns.
I run my hands through my hair in frustration.
“What are you worried about?” he sighs.
“That she is going to leave me again, and that I won’t cope,” I mumble.
“Josh. Get over it. Every man on the planet gets fucked around at some time. Why are you carrying on?” he whispers angrily.
I shrug as my eyes flick to Tash.
“You call her the drama queen. I reckon you’re being the drama queen. Of course she was pissed the other night and left. You were filmed with a stripper. I’m pissed off with you myself for being so stupid,” he snaps.
I pick up her hand and kiss the back of it. “I’m still in love with her,” I whisper as my eyes linger on her beautiful face.
Cameron rolls his eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
Adrian
I wake to the sound of the shower running and I smile as I roll over and look at the ceiling. I haven’t felt this happy for a very long time. After spending every night with Nicholas for the last month we have finally become intimate over the weekend. It’s Monday morning and he hasn’t left my side since Friday. Satisfaction is running heavily through my veins, both emotionally and physically. The shower turns off and ten minutes later I hear Nicholas out in the kitchen. It’s weird he didn’t wake me up like he has every other day. I rise and walk out. He is dressed in his suit and is sitting on the lounge putting socks on.
