by T L Swan
“I don’t want to be the man that you think I am!” He throws his arms up in the air in anger. “Who am I, Natasha?” He screams so loud that he makes me jump.
I frown as confusion grips me.
“The rich, dominant, cage-fighting male who controls his woman!” he yells in frustration. “Is that all I am?”
The tears start to overflow my eyes. “Baby,” I whisper gently as I reach for him. “I love that man. I don’t want you to change, Josh, not ever.”
“I don’t want to be the man who deprives you and controls you,” he whispers as his eyes search mine. “I want to be the man who gives you everything that you want, the man who loves you unconditionally.” His eyes cloud over and I feel the tears start to run freely down my cheeks.
“You do … you are all I could ever want.” I shake my head in frustration. “How could you even think that what we have is insignificant?”
He shakes his head. “You are misunderstanding me, presh.” He tucks my hair behind my ear gently and wipes a tear away from my cheek. “I know you love me,” he says gently. “This is my way of proving to you and myself that I am worthy of your love. That our love is indestructible. That sex is sex and love is love and that you know without a doubt the difference between the two.”
“Josh I know.”
He gives me a small smile. “My mind is made up. I have thought long and hard about this. Tomorrow I leave you for a week, and I will never ask a question about what you do in this week … I don’t want to know.” He hangs his head. “But I will assume that you will do as I ask.” His eyes bore into mine and with renewed purpose he gets up in a rush and goes to the shower to cut the conversation short.
I slump into the lounge chair as my heart pounds heavily in my chest. Now I have heard it all. Joshua Stanton is the biggest mindfuck in the history of the human world. Sleep with someone else—who is he kidding, as if?
“Turkey, swiss cheese and cranberry on rye please, with a skim cap, no sugar,” I mutter flatly to the cashier in the hospital cafeteria as I look into the glass refrigeration cabinet. I’m flat, oh so flat. It is Tuesday lunchtime and I haven’t spoken to Joshua since he left me yesterday morning in what was the worst goodbye you could possibly imagine. Since the time he told me that he wanted me to be with someone else he wouldn’t touch me, he would only cuddle me and even pulled away from kissing me. His way of distancing himself from me … and sending me quietly insane. The sick thing is that if I am completely honest with myself … and I don’t want to be … what he said actually rings true and I feel sick to my stomach. I have regretted not sleeping with someone else and knowing the difference first hand between love and sex … and if I knew one hundred per cent that I wouldn’t hurt him and it would have no consequence on our relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. I eat my lunch in silence as I look out the window, deep in thought about the conversation we had, a cloud of dread hanging heavily over my head. He said that he could never have settled down if he hadn’t slept around and that he couldn’t ask me to do what he wouldn’t be able to do himself. How many women has he slept with over the years? In ten years’ time will I look back and regret not doing this when I already know I regret it now. Why do I feel like this? I’m so confused. But on the flip side I am so proud of myself that I have only been with someone I love … but then that was never my intention. I never set out to do that, it just happened that way. I put my fingers to my temples as I think. I wish I could talk to the girls about this but I promised Joshua it is just between us and I know he is not telling the boys about it either. He is protecting my privacy, my decision. I don’t think I have ever loved him more than I do now, to know that he would sacrifice what he wants to give me a choice is overwhelming. My eyes tear up at the thought. True unconditional love is what he is offering … and deep down that is all I have ever wanted … truly craved.
So why when I am so in love with Joshua does my mind keep going back to Jesten?
Chapter 29
Joshua
I take a sip of my cointreau and a drag of my cigarette as I sit and watch the red dot on my screen flash on the map. She’s leaving work. I run the side of my pointer finger back and forth over my lips as I think, my eyes riveted to the screen. I am in my darkened hotel room feeling very unbalanced. I bugged Natasha’s phone and handbag weeks ago when I found out about Coby Allender. I need to know she is safe and that I can find her if something were to happen. Coby Allender didn’t get off, his case has been adjourned for five weeks and it is a huge relief. Until yesterday I hadn’t turned it on but now I find I can’t turn it off. I am putting myself through torture by watching what she is doing, but I need to know. A knock sounds at the door and I close my eyes in frustration. Go away.
It knocks again. I am not in the mood.
“I know you’re in there,” Cameron’s voice rings out. I shake my head in frustration as I minimise the screen and answer the door.
“What?” I sigh as I open the door.
“What are you doing?” Cameron snaps as he barges past me into the room, followed closely by Murph and Ben.
“What does it look like, idiot?” I snap.
Cameron and Murph throw each other a look. “Well, seeing you are drinking and smoking in your room alone and it’s…” he looks at his watch, “3.00 pm on a Tuesday, I’m thinking something is up.”
Adrian flops onto the bed and Ben opens the curtains and the sliding door.
“Do you mind?” I snap.
“Not at all,” he answers.
“What’s going on with Tash?” Adrian asks.
“Nothing.”
“Is that the problem?”
I screw up my face. “What are you talking about?’
“Ben said you didn’t stay there last night—are you fighting?”
I throw Ben a dirty look. “No,” I snap. “Keep your nose out of my business, the three of you!”
“Why have you taken all of our guards off Natasha and replaced them with stand-in ones?” Cameron asks.
I narrow my eyes. “Get out, Natasha has a right to privacy you know. I could use some myself at the moment. Leave us alone.”
“Max has stayed with Natasha.”
My eyes flick to Ben in a question.
“He refused to leave her,” he replies.
I nod in relief. I took my guards off Tash and replaced them to give her some room to breathe, but I have been worried ever since. At least I know she is safe with Max watching over her.
“Turn that music down for god’s sake,” Adrian sighs.
“I like this song,” I reply as I light another cigarette.
“What is it?”
“Arctic Monkeys, Do I wanna know,” I reply.
“Yeah, on repeat I’m not so sure,” he sighs
“Get out then.”
“Get dressed. We are going to the gym,” Ben snaps.
I blow out a deep breath. “Ok, I will be out in ten.” They leave the room and I flick the screen back up and I watch the red dot move through the streets. She’s in the car on her way home. I minimise the screen again in disgust at myself. “Snap out of it, Stanton.”
It’s nine o’clock and we have just returned from the gym and dinner. I’m missing Natasha. I just want to see her, hold her. How on earth did I get so dependent on one person? I turn on my computer and wait for it to boot up as I sit and tap my fingers on the desk and blow out a deep breath. After what seems like an eternity the screen comes up and I watch the red dot flash on my screen. I narrow my eyes as I look at the address across the bottom of the screen: 117 Macquarie Street, Sydney. Where is she? What is she doing?
My heart starts to race as I type the address into the Find toolbar.
Sydney InterContinental Hotel flashes up and my stomach twists Oh my god, she’s in a hotel. There is only one reason she would be there.
She’s with someone.
I grab my head in my hands as pain lances through my chest and I stand so suddenly that my chair fal
ls to the ground. This is what I wanted her to do, she is doing as I asked. I pick up a glass on my desk and throw it against the wall. It smashes through the room. I find myself in a rage as I punch the computer monitor as hard as I can and it smashes as it falls from the desk. I pace as I start to lose it, the door slowly opens and I turn my haunted eyes to see Ben standing quietly in the doorway. By the look on his face I know he knows. He has spoken to Max and he knows where Natasha is. His eyes scan the room, he sees the glass and the broken computer screen and the tears running down my face.
“Mate,” he says softly in his heavy South African accent. “What have you done?”
“Get out!” I scream.
“What have you made her do?” he repeats softly.
“Get out!” I scream again. I need to get away from him and I walk into the bathroom. I look into the mirror at myself. I make myself sick. I asked her to do this and yet I am gutted that she actually is doing it. What was I thinking? I break into full-blown sobs as pain cuts through my chest like a knife. I punch the mirror and it smashes into a thousand pieces. I hear Ben make a call.
“Hello, Steve, this is Ben. We will meet you in the gym in thirty minutes. Yes.” He goes silent as he listens. “Organise some of your best. Stanton needs to fight.”
Natasha
“So let me give you this brochure and then we can go through your other options.” I listen as the genetic counsellor speaks to one of the clients I am seeing. She has just discovered that she carries the breast cancer gene and is considering a mastectomy. My mind is anywhere but in this room. A heavy lead ball sits in the pit of my stomach. It’s Thursday and Joshua won’t return my calls. What if he was lying? What if it was a test and I failed? I close my eyes in pain. What was I thinking?
A knock sounds at the door and I stand to answer it. Our receptionist is there.
“Hi Tash,” she whispers. “Sorry to bother you but Bridget is on the phone and she said it is a matter of life or death.”
I frown as I take the phone from her and put my finger up to the two women in my office, signifying to them I would be one minute. The counsellor smiles and nods and I step just outside the office.
“Hello,” I whisper as I look around.
Bridget’s panicked voice screams down the phone. “Oh my fuck, Natasha. You need to get over here. We broke into TC’s house and then she came home and we hid in the bedroom and then she left again but she put the deadlock on and now we are trapped in the apartment and we can’t get out.”
My eyes widen in horror. “What the hell. Who?”
“Abbie and I, we were looking for the second disk.”
I look at the people around me and duck my head to escape their glare.
“What do you mean you are in her house?” I whisper angrily.
“Get over here now or we are going to jump four storeys off the fucking balcony.”
“What’s the address?” I snap as I feel the stress perspiration start to heat my armpits. “You idiots. We are going to get arrested.” Oh my god.
“Get Ben or Max or somebody. The address is 72 Pacific Street, Potts Point.
I walk over to the reception desk and write down the address on the back of a card.
“Ok, I got it.” I hang up and knock on the door quietly. “Sorry, I have an emergency and have to leave urgently.”
The women both frown. “Is everything ok?” the counsellor asks as she raises her eyebrows.
I smile nervously as I nod too quickly. “Ahuh,” I murmur. “It will be.” As soon as I kill my two idiot friends. I grab my bag and leave.
I exit my office in a rush and start to run toward the lifts as I dial Max’s number. He answers first ring.
“Where are you?” I snap.
“In the car park. What’s wrong?”
“Abbie and Bridget are locked in TC’s apartment.”
“What?”
“That’s what I said. The idiots are locked in her apartment.”
“Oh my god. I have to ring Ben. Meet me out the front.”
I run out to the front doors and I find Max on the phone to Ben.
He shakes his head in frustration and hands the phone over to me.
“What’s going on?” Ben snaps down the phone.
“I don’t know. Bridget rang me and said that she and Abbie had broken into TC’s apartment looking for the disk.”
“How did they know where she lived?”
I shake my head in frustration. “I have no idea. Actually Abbie’s flatmate sees her sometimes so she must have asked him.”
“Then what happened?”
“She came home and they hid in the bedroom.”
“Fuck,” he snaps.
“I know and then she left again but she put the deadlock on and now they are locked in the apartment and they can’t get out.”
“Did they find the disk?”
I widen my eyes and hold my hand in the air in frustration. “I didn’t bloody ask.”
“You stay there. You and Joshua can’t be involved. We will handle this. Put Max back on.” I hand the phone back to Max.
“Ok.” He nods and takes the address from me. “Ok.” His eyes meet mine. “I will get her to ring him in a minute.” He hangs up.
My heart is beating crazily. Break and enter, if they get caught … oh my god … this is a criminal offence. What were they thinking?
“Joshua wants you to ring him in a minute,” Max says dryly, then he texts the address to Ben.
I smile. He wants me to ring him, thank god. Relief fills me.
“Go back inside. You will only have one guard so do not leave your office.”
“But I told them I was leaving for the day,” I stammer.
“Change your plans. I don’t have time to take you home first.”
I roll my eyes. “Can’t I come?”
“No, go back inside.”
I head back inside and to the cafeteria. I order a coffee and take a seat. My stomach is in knots and I dial Joshua’s number. He answers first ring.
“Hi Tash.”
My heart swells and tears fill my eyes at the sound of his voice. “Baby,” I whisper.
“Are you ok?” he asks.
“No,” I sob, “I miss you.”
He stays silent.
“This is ridiculous—we can’t be apart for this long,” I stammer.
“I will see you again on Monday, Natasha. I said a week.”
“Josh no. It’s only Thursday. I can’t wait that long. I feel sick being without you.”
“So you are ok?”
“Just,” I murmur. “I love you,” I whisper.
He stays silent as I hear him inhale deeply.
“Josh, what’s wrong?” Panic sets in, why didn’t he say it back?
“Nothing. I will see you Monday night, ok?”
My face drops. “Do you love me?” I whisper.
“Don’t ask stupid questions,” he sighs.
I smile. “I miss you.”
“Bye presh.” He hangs up.
Relief fills me, he called me presh. It’s ok, it’s all going to be ok.
Joshua
It’s eight o’clock and I am at a Thai restaurant with the boys discussing the two stooges’ break and enter today. We are in a benchseat set up in the back corner. Ben had to break the locks to get them out. They were so lucky that they didn’t get caught. On the up side they found a whole case of disks and another laptop. Ben is going to go through them tonight and then destroy them. I wonder how many other poor bastards’ films are in that box.
“I still cannot believe they broke into her apartment.” Adrian shakes his head in shock.
“I know,” Cameron splutters. “Ballsy.”
Ben shakes his head. “It would have been imbecile Abbie’s idea. She is a bad influence on Bridget.”
I smirk at Ben.
“What?” he says dryly as he raises an eyebrow.
“You have a soft spot for Didge, just admit it.” I pick my teeth w
ith a toothpick as I lean back with my arm slung across the back of the chairs.
He rolls his eyes. “She’s a cool chick, that’s all.”
Cameron shakes his head and glares at him. “I told you not to touch her unless you plan on marrying her.”
Ben hold his hands up in defence. “Nobody’s touching anybody. Calm down.”
I smile as I raise my hand for the bill.
“And nobody is getting married,” he snaps. “So stop worrying.”
“Good,” Cameron snaps. “I would hate to have to kick your ass.”
Ben laughs.
“I would love to see that,” Adrian smiles. “Ben would kill you with a smile on his face and his hands tied behind his back.” I smile as I listen to the meaningless banter and my mind wanders to Tash. Hearing her tell me she loved me today has somehow made me relax. That and the fact I am so physically exhausted from fighting every mother fucker in Australia over the last two days. Ben knows me well. He knew I needed to kick some serious ass to stay sane, and that is just what I have done. I actually feel sorry for the poor bastards I fought on Tuesday night—I totally lost my shit.
“Let’s go out.” Cameron stretches as he cranes his neck to eye off one of the waitresses walking past.
“Yeah ok,” Murph replies. “I could do with a drink.”
Ben’s eyes flick to me.
“I’m going to go and see Tash. You go Ben. There are enough guards over there.”
He smiles at me and gives me a wink. “I will drop you off there first.”
I smirk. “Ok.”
I lie on my lounge half asleep. It’s nine o’clock. I am wearing my white nightgown. After a week of not sleeping I have finally relaxed after speaking to my beautiful Joshua today. He called me presh. It’s going to be ok. I wish he was here. A knock sounds at my door and I smile, thank god he’s here. He’s forgotten his key. I bound to the door and open it in a rush.
My eyes widen at the sight of Jesten, not my beautiful man as I had hoped.
My face drops. “Hi Jes,” I whisper. “What are you doing here?” This is uncomfortable.
“Can I come in?” His nervous eyes lock on mine.
