by T L Swan
I’m ready. Come and get me.
Chapter 28
Joshua
I sit at the desk in the consultation rooms as I wait for Nicholas. I know why he’s here. The door opens and he appears and smiles warmly. “Hello Joshua.” He frowns when he notices my handcuffs and his eyes flick to the guard who has just brought him into the room. “Remove the cuffs immediately please,” he snaps.
“Hello,” I reply as my eyes flick to the guards. One of them fumbles for his keys and then undoes the tight steel band around my wrist.
“Thank you. Now leave us alone,” Nicholas says.
The guards both nod and leave the room in silence. Nicholas then comes around to my side of the desk and holds his hand out, and I frown as I look at it. “I would like a hug please,” he asks.
I shake my head. “Just sit down.” I sigh.
“No,” he replies. “Stand and give me a hug.”
“Fuck man,” I whisper.
“I’m not going any further until you hug me,” he repeats.
I shake my head and stand and he grabs me into a tight embrace. He holds me still and close and for some reason my emotions immediately rise and I feel the dam about to break. I haven’t been physically touched since I was arrested. As if sensing my inner turmoil he stands still and I drop my head to his shoulder as he holds me.
“These are dark days, yes,” he whispers into my hair.
I nod because the lump in my throat leaves me unable to speak and he holds me tighter.
“It’s ok to be dark,” he whispers.
I briefly escape my emotional cloud, pull back from his grip and wipe my eyes with the heels of my hands.
“Is Adrian ok?” I mumble as I angrily wipe my face.
Nicholas smiles and takes a seat opposite me. “Adrian is doing ok although he is struggling with the company,” he replies as his eyes hold mine.
I shake my head in disgust. “What a mess,” I whisper.
“Joshua, you had your solicitor here yesterday?” he asks.
My eyes rise to meet his. “Yes,” I reply.
“Were you changing your will?” he asks. “Is that why he was here?”
I drop my eyes immediately to evade his truth-serum glare. I don’t answer him.
“Do you have a plan, Joshua?”
My eyes once again rise to meet his and I stay silent. He sits back knowingly on his chair and watches me.
“Tell me about your plan,” he asks. “How would you kill yourself?”
I frown and drop my head again. “Stay out of my head, Nicholas,” I whisper.
“Tomorrow was to be your wedding day,” he replies.
I nod as my eyes search the floor to escape his gaze.
“You should have been in Kamala today with Natasha arranging things for tomorrow,” he says quietly.
My heart drops and I nod. “Thanks for reminding me,” I whisper.
“You hadn’t forgotten. Don’t bother pretending you had,” he replies.
I smirk knowingly at the floor.
“What do you think Natasha is doing now?” he asks.
My eyes tear up and I shrug. “Don’t know,” I whisper as I run my hand over my stubble.
“Tell me something.” He sits back on his seat again and folds his arms. “If it was you who had been murdered and Natasha had been left alone and then convicted of your murder, what would you want her to do?” he asks.
I roll my lips. “I know what you are doing and you can forget it. Natasha is gone and she is not coming back,” I stammer.
“It will get easier,” he whispers. “I promise you it gets easier.”
“How would you know?” I snap through my tears. “Living without her will never be fucking easy. I will never be happy again.”
He sits forward. “Joshua, I lost my husband. I know firsthand the depth of your grief. I could have happily killed myself a thousand times.”
I sit back shocked. I didn’t expect him to say that.
He stares into space as his thoughts go to another time. “Olivier was intelligent and funny.” He pauses as he remembers. “We met in a café in Paris.” He smiles softly. “It was like a movie. We fell madly in love. I had released my first three books and he was a solicitor so I moved to France and we became inseparable.” His eyes meet mine. “He loved me so deeply—I was his only one,” he whispers.
My eyes tear up—like my Natasha.
He shakes his head as he becomes visibly upset. “The years we were married were the happiest days of my life. And it’s my fault he’s dead,” he replies through haunted eyes.
I frown.
He shakes his head in disgust at himself. “We had a skiing trip organised for months but I was trying to become this hotshot author.” He pauses as he thinks. “And then three days before we were due to leave for our trip I got a call from my publicist saying that I had been asked to appear on a morning show and it would be great for my career. I wanted to go, but Olivier wanted to go skiing and he went on the ski trip alone.” He shakes his head in disgust at himself and his eyes meet mine. “I wasn’t worried at the time. I was excited about my great opportunity and I thought I would just fly down and surprise him when I finished the promo stuff.”
I drop my head in sadness. I know how this story ends.
Nicholas’s eyes glaze over as he stares into space. “He had a bad fall on the slopes but instead of going to the hospital he just went back to the hotel alone.”
I blow out a deep breath as the room falls silent and we both become engulfed by our grief.
“He had a brain aneurysm in the bath two hours later and drowned. He was alone and he would have been frightened and in pain.” Nicholas wipes his tears away angrily. “I know about being so distraught that you would rather die than face another day alone,” he whispers.
My bottom lip quivers and I drop my head.
“I know how it feels to just want the pain to stop. You would do anything to just not feel anymore,” he whispers.
I nod as I focus my eyes on the table leg.
Nicholas shakes his head to himself. “And then it gets worse… you die while you are still alive. You don’t feel anything anymore. No joy, no happiness. The only thing that seems to be present is a massive hole in your life, one that can never be filled. An emptiness that won’t go away.”
“Yes,” I whisper through bleary eyes.
“I wanted to die too, Joshua. I know how it feels to want to join the person you love.” He grabs my hand over the table.
My tears drop onto my cheeks. I can’t hold them in anymore.
“Why didn’t you?” I whisper.
“I had the plan, I had the medication, I had it all worked out. But every time I would go to do it, I would think of Olivier and how disappointed he would be. He was strong and if every day I could just try and be strong like him.” He pauses as he wipes a tear and our eyes meet again. “One day at a time,” he whispers. “I just survived one day at a time.”
I nod and close my eyes in pain.
“For seven years I ambled through grief trying to find myself. Trying to find happiness in the arms of others, only to wake disgusted with myself, and then I would dive deeper into despair.”
I nod. I can relate. I did that for the whole of my early twenties when I was trying to get over Natasha the first time.
Nicholas smiles broadly through his tears. “And then one day in a crowded restaurant I saw this…” He pauses again as he remembers and he smiles. “Blond American.”
I smirk—Adrian.
“He didn’t want anything to do with me and for some reason that’s exactly what I needed.”
He stands and walks over to the fake glass pane and looks into it.
“You know the morning I left Adrian?”
My eyes look at his back. “Yes,” I answer.
He bites his bottom lip as he contemplates telling me. “Adrian and I had been inseparable for a month and had been intimate for the first time all weekend, as you
probably already know. He was different to anyone I had ever met: smart, strong and yet gentle. Pure, he was so pure. I remember waking that morning and feeling so…” He shakes his head as he remembers. “So unbelievably happy and Adrian was asleep next to me and then I looked at my phone and I realised the date.”
I frown.
“The day before had been my anniversary and I hadn’t even realised. I had missed Olivier’s and my wedding anniversary because I was making love to another man all day without a care in the world. I had never been so disgusted at myself in my life.”
“Lots of men miss anniversaries,” I murmur to try and make him feel better.
He nods, “I know. I missed three when we were married and Olivier had to remind me. But this was different. I realised that moment that I had fallen in love with someone else and I wasn’t mentally prepared to do that.”
He sits back down opposite me and folds his hands in front of him. “And I have been miserable again every day since. I have lost two men that I love, one through death and one through punishing myself for living.”
I frown. “I thought you and Adrian were working it out?” I reply.
He shakes his head. “I’m in love with Adrian but he won’t let me in again… and I don’t blame him.”
I nod and drop my head—stubborn shit of a man.
“And besides Olivier would not want me to move on,” he continues sarcastically.
I shake my head. “That’s wrong. It’s not your fault that he died. Olivier was a good man and he would want you with someone who can make you happy and who loves you. You deserve happiness, Nicholas.”
Nicholas’s eyes meet mine. “And so do you, Joshua, and Natasha would want you to live for her.”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Don’t let her death be in vain,” he whispers.
He grabs my hand over the table. “Just take it one day at a time. I beg you don’t do this to your family and friends,” he whispers. “It’s so dark now. I know this darkness.”
I nod as I squeeze his hand.
“Just one day. Just worry about getting through today, and let us out there work on getting you out.”
I nod.
The door opens and the guard walks in. “Time’s up.”
Adrian
Cameron and I wait outside for Nicholas who is in with Joshua. Cameron is pacing back and forth nervously. He is beside himself. He thinks Joshua is on the edge and we are trying everything we can to move him to protective custody with no access to other prisoners. Once it’s done, it’s done. You can’t undo death.
The door opens and I hear the click of the heels on the cement floor. I turn and my eyes find Amelie.
She lifts her chin defiantly as she glares at me. “Adrian,” she mutters.
“Hello,” I reply cold-faced. God, I can’t believe Cameron actually rang and asked her to come and see Joshua. He would try anything to keep his brother safe. Even do a deal with the devil.
“I’m going in now,” she mutters as she looks at her watch.
“He has someone with him,” I reply.
“Who?” she snaps.
I frown at her venom. “A psychologist,” I reply.
Cameron turns and sees Amelie and his eyes light up. “Am, thank you for coming.”
“What’s the problem?” she asks.
Cameron runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “We are worried about Joshua’s frame of mind. He asked to see you.” He smiles hopefully.
Amelie smiles triumphantly. “I knew he would wake up to himself eventually,” she mutters.
My blood runs cold. Fuck, I hate this bitch.
Cameron bites his bottom lip as he holds his tongue and his eyes flick to me as I blow out a deep breath.
“He was never suited to Cinderella anyway,” she replies.
I narrow my eyes at her. What?
Cameron frowns. “Why do you call her that?” he asks.
She smiles knowingly. “That’s a pet name that Joshua called her.” She shakes her head and does an exaggerated eye roll. “Pathetic really,” she mutters.
My world spins and I drop my head as I think. How would she know that? Not even Joshua knows that. My heart starts to thump heavily in my chest and my eyes flick to Ben and Max who are waiting over on the lounge. Ben frowns in question. I shake my head subtly as I try to reconcile what she has just told me. She called Natasha Cinderella. It’s her. It’s Amelie. She would only know that if Natasha had told her, and I know that Natasha had not spoken to her before she went missing. My eyes flick back to Amelie and her phone rings. I walk calmly over to Ben and Max.
“It’s Amelie. Amelie killed Natasha,” I blurt out in a whisper.
“What?” Max frowns.
Amelie is having trouble with her coverage and the line drops out. She walks out toward the doors to get better coverage and leaves her handbag on the seat next to me.
“What do you mean?” Ben snaps.
I shake my head nervously as goosebumps run up my spine. “She just called Natasha Cinderella,” I whisper. Oh my god, I put my hand over my mouth.
Ben screws up his face. “What do you mean?”
“I am the only one who called her that. It was a code between us. Natasha is sending me a message.”
Max stands immediately as if on autopilot, takes his phone from his pocket, switches it to silent and then unzips the outside zipper on her handbag and drops his phone inside and zips it back up.
Ben frowns and Cameron walks over. “What’s going on?” he asks, oblivious.
“It’s Amelie,” I whisper.
He frowns. “What’s Amelie?” he asks.
“She killed Natasha.”
“What?” he snaps.
Amelie comes running back inside and our eyes all flick to her guiltily. “I have to go. I have an emergency I have to attend to.” She picks up her bag and throws it over her shoulder.
“But you haven’t seen Joshua.” Cameron frowns.
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry,” she calls as she makes a dash for the doors.
Ben stands and signals to Max to meet him outside and Cameron starts to look between the three of us. “What’s happening?” he whispers.
“Get in the car,” Ben snaps.
Cameron frowns. “What?” he whispers. “Can’t be?”
I shake my head as I try and make sense of this.
“How do you know Natasha hadn’t told anyone this?” Cameron asks.
“It was a code that she wanted me to use if there was someone around she didn’t trust,” I murmur. My eyes flick to Ben. “Natasha is sending me a message. It’s her, I swear to you it’s Amelie.”
Ben stands with his legs wide and his hands in his pockets as he thinks. His jaw ticks in concentration. “Let’s go,” he snaps as he heads toward the door and Max follows him. My eyes dart to Cameron who is still in shock.
“Where are we going?” he asks, horrified.
“Following her. She must know something.” I shrug as I start toward the door after Ben and Max.
Cameron stands still on the spot, defiantly. “What about Nick?” he calls. “How is he going to get home?”
I turn and frown at him. “I will ring him,” I snap, annoyed at his procrastination.
He shakes his head and follows us out to the car. Ben and Max get into the front seat and Cam and I get into the back.
Cameron shakes his head. “I swear to god, Murph, if this is a wild goose chase I’m going to bash you. Joshua needs us today. I don’t want him alone today and tonight. Tomorrow is supposed to be his damn wedding day. He’s on the fucking edge,” he snaps.
“Joshua needs us to prove him innocent you dead shit and we are trying our best! Now shut the fuck up or get out of the fucking car!” Ben snaps and he slams on the brakes and we all lurch forward.
Cameron looks at the roof of the car in frustration. “Fine. Drive,” he replies flatly.
Max starts to type something into Ben’s pho
ne and Ben’s eyes flick to him as he drives. “Where is she?” Ben asks.
“Fifteen kilometres in front.” He holds the phone out for us all to see the little red dot driving along the road.
The car falls silent and Cameron scratches his head in frustration as he thinks. “Explain to me why we are following Amelie again. I don’t get it.”
“Ok, so when Natasha came to LA with us the first time, remember when she had the fight with Carson?” I reply as my eyes flick between the three of them.
Max turns around in his seat to listen. “Yes,” replies Cameron.
“Natasha wanted to make up a code word for snake,” I continue.
Cameron frowns. “For snake… as in cock?”
I widen my eyes and shake my head. “You are such an imbecile. No, not cock—a snake as in someone she couldn’t trust.”
“Oh right,” Cameron mutters. Max laughs and Ben smirks into the rear-vision mirror and shakes his head.
“She said that if I saw someone I didn’t think she could trust I could say the word Cinderella to her as a warning.”
