Apolonia

by Jamie McGuire

  "What's your favorite food at home?"

  "It's hard to explain." When he realized I was waiting for an answer, he continued, "It's called mahallajharad. It's similar to what you call seafood."

  "So, it's a fish?"

  "Similar to a fish."

  Good enough. "What do you do for fun?"

  "My culture is different from yours, Rory."

  I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Are you saying Egyptians don't have fun? Bullshit."

  "I'm saying our fun is studying, learning, and exploring. It's just different, and I know your culture has a difficult time with different. You practice much...disbelief."

  "I disbelieve that you think I'm intimidating. You really have the angel-living-in-the-garden-of-evil thing down."

  Cy frowned and then returned to his desk. "I shouldn't have eaten the pizza. Very stupid of me."

  "Yes, it was," I said, settling back onto my stool.

  He made a face. "You told me to."

  "I didn't know you were allergic or whatever. That's on you."

  "You're not very nice tonight."

  "I never said I was."

  "That's a lie. You can be very nice when you wish to be."

  "I don't lie," I said, mimicking his earlier statement.

  "Yes, you do."

  "I liked you better when you didn't talk."

  "The feeling is mutual!" he said, taking off his glasses.

  Once again, I found myself hating him while lost in his weird and amazing golden eyes.

  I grabbed my jacket.

  Cy sat up, his body rigid. "Where are you going?"

  I slipped my arms through the sleeves while I walked toward the door. "I can't work like this."

  "But...we still have this stack and the core samples and--"

  "They can wait until tomorrow."

  "No, Rory, they really can't. Stay. I apologize."

  I stopped, still facing the door.

  "I'm really very sorry," he said, an edge of begging in his voice. "I felt weak because I was ill, and I disguised it as anger and directed those feelings toward you. Inexcusable. Please forgive me."

  I turned. "What are you?"

  "What?" he said, shifting nervously in his chair.

  "You're at KIT, but you sound like a Psych major."

  The corners of his mouth turned up a bit. "I assure you, I am not. Just very aware of and clearly susceptible to human nature. Please sit. Let's finish our work."

  I pulled my mouth to the side.

  "It doesn't make you weak to forgive someone, you know," he said.

  "No, but it gives people another chance to hurt you."

  "Did I? Hurt you?" The thought seemed to wound him.

  I swallowed. "No one can hurt me. It's like trying to fill a cup that's already full."

  Cy's face fell. "Please, Rory, I'm so sorry. I never meant to upset you."

  I turned and left Cy sitting alone in the basement.

  Running up the stairs, I didn't stop until I burst through the double glass doors. Once outside, I took a deep breath, as if I'd just come up for air. Still going to The Gym on occasion with Benji, I wasn't as out of shape as I used to be, but I was pissed off. No one confused me, angered me, or made me want to tackle-kiss him like Cy Kazemde. What was it about him that made me feel such conflicting emotions? And what was it about me that I couldn't shake off the feelings I had for him?

  A person popped up beside me. "You okay?"

  I jumped. "Damn it, Benji! What are you doing here?"

  "Waiting on you to get off work. I was going to walk you home."

  "You're approaching stalker status."

  "I thought about that. I didn't really mean to. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay and thought maybe it was my turn."

  I knew he was alluding to Cy walking me around, but I didn't want to get into it with him. "How many times have I told you--"

  "I know. You don't need anyone. Maybe it's me who needs a friend. Have you ever thought about that?"

  That took me off guard. Benji stood there, his hands in his coat pockets, waiting for me to answer. Too much honesty for one night.

  The crowd of students usually heading to a party now was nowhere in sight, which only meant one thing--the warehouse. I sighed. That meant paying for a taxi.

  "Warehouse party?" I asked, staring at the empty campus. People were not my thing, and parties were definitely not my thing, but at the moment, I would take any distraction to get my mind off of Cy.

  "Yeah. Want to go?"

  Benji's brown eyes were tired, but here he was, waiting on me to finish at the lab. Something had to be said for selflessness like that.

  "Only if I can drive."

  Benji smiled. "You got it."

  I wasn't a complete asshole. I didn't drive someone else's car like I'd stolen it, but it was fun to take the corners a little fast. Benji didn't seem to mind. Actually, he seemed to enjoy witnessing the smile on my face.

  We parked in the open field, a little farther away from the other cars so that they wouldn't ding his shiny doors. Benji's Mustang was pristine, and I knew how far away he parked in the parking lot to keep it that way.

  We walked in, and I was instantly lost in the loud music, lights, and cigarette smoke. The warehouse was home to two parties a year, hosted by students belonging to a secret society. No one saw it being put together or taken down. No one knew it was going to happen until it did. And by the time it was over, the secret society had a couple of new members--or that was the rumor anyway.

  Benji followed me down the metal corridors. I could barely hear the clanging of the iron catwalk under our feet. I wasn't sure what the warehouse had been used for before, but now, it was a maze of debauchery--new couples making out, keg stands at every other corner, dark rooms filled by couples having drunken sex, and people surrounding a few makeshift tables covered by lines of coke.

  We wanted to be engineers, not saints. The workload could drive you out or drive you mad. Everyone dealt with the pressure differently, and finals were approaching. We all had to find an outlet or pop, but no one wanted students screaming, vandalizing, wrecking their cars into trees, secluding themselves, or wielding guns.

  Benji pulled open a heavy metal door, and then we walked outside into the courtyard. We followed the covered sidewalk until we reached a small group of students huddled around three kegs. Once we made our way to the front, Benji held a cup under a keg nozzle and waited as the beer dribbled out. He looked at me apologetically. We arrived so late that the kegs were nearly dry.

  "There has to be another keg somewhere. You wait here. I'll see what I can find."

  I nodded and scraped my fingers through the bit of hair left on my head. The short strands didn't even require work to be coaxed back into place, which was freeing.

  Ellie was standing in a doorway with a random stranger. His jaw worked as he kissed her so deeply and sloppily that it made my stomach turn. His lips were sealed and working impatiently over hers. I anticipated that the skin around her mouth would be glistening with a ring of his spit when he pulled away, and a shiver ran down my spine. She had one of his legs trapped tightly between her thighs, and she was moving her hips ever so gently against him.

  Ew. Ew, ew, ew. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.

  "Rory, right?"

  Oh, thank Christ. Whoever you are, thank you.

  "I'm Kevin Monroe. We have Physics II together."

  Even if he didn't have that sleazy look in his eye, I knew to stay away. I'd heard about Kevin. He was in his third year of KIT and should have been in jail at least three times for sexual assault. And that was only the number of times the women had enough support and courage to press charges. But for various reasons, the charges kept getting dropped.

  He looked down at my breasts and then back at me with familiar scrutiny. He had the kind of look that said, I hope you're as drunk and easy as I am.

  I took the thank-you back.

  "Do you recognize me?"
he prodded.

  "No," I said, looking away. It was the truth. I'd only heard about him.

  "I recognize you. You shaved off all your hair."

  "Not all of it," I said, running my fingers through what was left. When pulled to one side, the black tresses I didn't shear grazed my cheek.

  "It's hot."

  I sighed and looked him straight in the eyes. "Is there something you need?"

  He took a step toward me, forcing me to back up just a couple of inches from the wall. "Actually, now that you mention it..." Kevin touched his nose to my ear.

  I could smell the alcohol on him before, but now it was pungent, saturating my skin--just like the breath of the men who murdered almost everyone who ever cared about me.

  I looked around for Benji. There were several people in the small fenced-in area outside with us, but no one was paying attention. They were all either making out, talking, or huddled around a barrel they were using to light a fire.

  I glared up at him and put my hand on his chest, holding him at bay. "Kevin, you need to back off. You're making me uncomfortable."

  He took another step toward me. The pressure of my hand meant nothing to him. Now, my back was pressed against the wall.

  "Is that so? I didn't think girls who looked like you got uncomfortable. So, does that mean uncomfortable in a good way?" He took my hand and forced it down until it settled on his crotch.

  "Call me crazy," Benji said, "but the word uncomfortable has a universally negative connotation."

  Kevin took one look at Benji and the two red Solo cups he held, and he batted them away, spilling the pale amber liquid all over Benji's green Nikes.

  "Back. Off," I said again, my voice low and menacing this time.

  I tried to jerk my hand away, but Kevin smiled and kept it in place.

  Benji put his hand on Kevin's shoulder, and Kevin grabbed at his wrist, freeing mine. Before either of them could make another move, I moved my hand in a downward motion, forcing Kevin's hand off of Benji. I grabbed the thumb on his offending hand and bent it backward, and with my free hand, I grabbed his throat and slammed him against the wall where I once stood.

  "I said, back the fuck off." My voice was strangely calm, just like my nerves.

  Kevin, his eyebrows pulled in and his eyes wide, bobbed his head up and down quickly. I released him then, letting him scamper away.

  Benji stood quiet like a rabbit, hoping he wasn't next.

  "We'd better go," I said.

  "You...wow. How'd you learn to do that?"

  I glanced around, seeing that now, of course, everyone was paying attention. "I took a class. C'mon. This was a bad idea."

  We walked back inside and began heading down the corridor. Once we turned the corner, I stopped dead in my tracks. Kevin was against another wall--this time, being held by Cy. Kevin wasn't just shocked. He was terrified.

  "I'm...I'm sorry! I'll never go near her again."

  Cy's eyes were fixed on me, looking as if he'd been caught. Kevin was released, and he took off in a full sprint down the hall toward the exit.

  "Why are you here?" I asked, taking one step forward. "What are you doing?"

  "Did he hurt you?" Cy walked the few feet to me, looking me over and then touching my arm gently.

  "I told you, no one can hurt me." The words seemed insufficient, but I was so baffled by what I'd just seen that they were all I could manage.

  Cy pulled me into his arms into a tight hug. It was the second time in as many weeks that he held me that way. I melted against him. His body was rock solid yet so soft. He smelled like soap and sun-dried laundry.

  His hand settled lightly on the back of my neck, and he rested his cheek against mine. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

  "I'm really okay," I said, trying to reassure him.

  It was at that moment when I realized he was trembling. He was shaking from anger.

  "It's okay, Cy."

  Benji cleared his throat. "She did just fine on her own."

  Cy released me and looked to Benji. "You'll see her home?"

  Benji nodded. "Of course."

  Cy cupped my face, kissed my forehead, and then walked away.

  Benji and I walked to the car in silence and didn't speak on the way home either. When he parked in the parking lot and turned off the ignition, he opened his mouth to speak but didn't.

  I got out, and Benji walked with me to the front entrance of my dorm.

  "Good night," I said.

  "I...I'm sorry I left you alone."

  "It's not your fault. I had no problem taking care of him."

  "It just sucks that he touched you, that he even had the opportunity."

  "Men like that...they spend their lives waiting for opportunity and not the good kind."

  Benji's expression crumbled, and his head fell. "I'm just so sorry. I know you've been through something awful and--"

  "Benji, don't."

  "No, I know you don't want to talk about that. My point is, I'm sorry that it happened, and I'm sorry that all I can think about right now is the image of you in his arms and how relaxed you looked."

  It took me a minute for my brain to catch up. "Cy?"

  "Yeah," he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and still looking at the ground. His eyebrows pulled together.

  "You don't have to talk about this. It's really okay," I said, trying to save us both from his awkward admission.

  "No, I do. Maybe not just for you. Maybe I need to say it out loud. I know how you feel about Cy."

  "That's impossible. I don't even know how I feel about Cy."

  He looked up, and his eyes met mine. "If you'd let me, I could make you feel like that. Safe, I mean. I'm here, you know. I'm not going anywhere. But he's...Cyrus is temporary."

  I tried really hard to think of another reason to say no besides the truth, but I didn't have a single one other than my own fears. I was afraid about what might happen if I invested in a real relationship with someone again. There were far worse things than giving Benji a chance, and telling him my fears and why they existed was one of them. "Okay."

  "Okay?"

  I pushed my hands and arms through the space between his arms and his sides and then held my palms flat against his back. After the shock wore off, Benji pulled his hands out of his pockets and pulled me closer to him, resting his cheek on my hair. He moved a fraction of an inch to kiss my temple.

  "This isn't so bad, right?" he said.

  He was right. I felt just as safe and warm in his arms. It was different but in a good way. He held me tighter. This was the way a man held a woman when he loved her. Salty tears burned my cheeks. I didn't even know why, but I just wanted to stay there--in a pair of arms that belonged to a man who would never let me go if I didn't want him to.

  One of the main lobby doors swung open, and Ellie sauntered out. "My, my...you're just making the rounds, aren't you, Rory?"

  I pushed away from Benji and wiped my eyes quickly. "Fuck off, Ellie."

  Benji glared at her.

  "Who's the new man?" Ellie joked, tapping her chin with her index finger. "I just know that I know him from somewhere."

  "If we've met, it must not have been a memorable moment for me," Benji said.

  I couldn't help but smile.

  "Oh no, darlin', you'd remember, I promise," she said, trying to retain her smug grin.

  Benji turned his back to her, and she continued out to the parking lot. "Wonder where she's headed at this hour?"

  "Probably to a rendezvous in a professor's office."

  Benji chuckled. "I've never liked her. You'd better get some sleep, especially after the night you've had." He hesitated to say his next words. "I can stay, you know. I can sleep on the floor if you don't want to be alone."

  "Thanks, but I'm really okay."

  "You're sure?"

  "Yes. After being threatened twice, I don't think he's going to break into my dorm room just to get his ass kicked again."

  "Okay. See you tomorrow."<
br />
  I nodded, and knowing he wouldn't leave until I was safely inside, I turned and left him standing alone on the stairs.

  As I walked to my room, I could still feel Benji on my skin. For whatever reason though, I couldn't shake that Cy was supposed to be in my life, and no matter how much Benji wanted to believe it, Cy didn't feel temporary.

  BENJI WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME in Dr. Z's class, but all I could do was focus on Cy--every time he raised his hand or spoke, his green plaid flannel shirt, his staple khaki cargo pants, and how fast he wrote down whatever he thought was important.

  I wondered why he thought that particular thing was noteworthy or why he shifted in his chair. I wondered if he thought about the night before and if he would mention it at work that night.

  Benji reached for my hand, turned it over, and wrote LUNCH? in black Sharpie on my palm. After another glance down at Cy, I peered over at Benji and nodded quickly.

  Benji seemed uncharacteristically uptight. He was tapping his pen against his desk one second and bouncing his knee the next.

  "You okay?" I whispered.

  Benji frowned and tucked his chin. "Yeah," he said, waving dismissively and trying far too hard to be his normal happy self. "Why?"

  I shrugged. "Just checking. Last night was weird."

  His face relaxed. "Are you okay? I worried about you from the moment I left your dorm room until I saw you this morning."

  I shook my head and looked back at my laptop. "Don't worry about me."

  "I know I don't have to. You can take care of yourself. But it wasn't just that. It's that...well, I've known you for almost two years, and I didn't know you had taken a self-defense class. Does that have to do with whatever happened to--"

  "Benji?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Seriously. Don't."

  "Oh, okay," he said, slinking back into his seat. Halfway through class, Benji leaned over again. "We're out the rest of the week for Thanksgiving break. You going home?"

  I shook my head, trying not to think too much about his question.

  When Dr. Z dismissed the class, I realized I hadn't taken a single note. The first half, I'd spent staring at the back of Cy's infuriatingly beautiful head, and the second, I'd tried not to think about the memory Benji unknowingly pulled to the surface.

  Cy stood after gathering his things. He traded just a few quiet words with the professor and then quickly found his way to the hallway. Part of me wanted to stop him and ask about the frightened look in Kevin's eyes the night before. I hadn't seen that kind of raw fear since the night my parents and Sydney--the night I refused to think about. I wanted to know what Cy had said to Kevin that was so frightening.