Chapter 22
9 August 2020 – Sydney, Australia
The photograph of Coogee Backpacker mocked me from my phone, warped at the corners to make the dorm rooms look more spacious than they were. With my early pay packet I could afford to stay there for a bit, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was throwing money away. And I needed a semi-permanent address if I had a hope of getting myself a semi-permanent job. I looked again at the misleading pictures: a downgrade from Sam’s box room for sure. As painful as it was, I’d almost enjoyed being in such close proximity to him. And I knew he’d enjoyed it too. But could I really take him up on his offer to stay? He thought I was moving into my apartment this weekend. Hearing Sam’s key turn in the door, I stashed my phone and shelved the thought, reclining on the sofa. It was gone one o’clock and they’d only just arrived home from church. I’d thought it was an in-and-out situation, especially given Sam’s ‘a couple of hours on a Sunday’ comment during the other night’s living room affair. I quickly stood up to check my reflection in the mirror. Hair waved, make-up applied, in a loose-fitting and low-cut black dress enhancing my two USPs, I looked ten times better than the heroin-without-the-chic mess Sam had rescued just over a week ago; but I guessed that wasn’t saying much. I smiled at my reflection. Living arrangements be damned; this was going to be great.
Jamie had near enough squealed when I’d suggested we invite Joshua around for lunch. Smiling broadly and bounding over towards me, she had squeezed my arm and gushed: ‘Oh, Jess, I thought you’d never ask.’ She laughed as if recalling a private joke she and Joshua clearly shared, before adding wistfully, ‘He’s such a great guy, Jess.’
That he is, Jamie; and absolutely made for you.
‘There she is,’ Sam exclaimed as he entered the kitchen-living room to see me casually flicking through the pages of whatever magazine I had just picked up from the coffee table. I looked up to see his gleeful expression. ‘I love your hair like that,’ he added. I knew he did. I mirrored Sam’s smile in return. For a moment I felt nineteen again.
‘Hey, Jess,’ Jamie interrupted, catapulting me back into my twenty-seven-year-old self. Jamie looked great. Of course she did, effortlessly pulling off a loose-fitting jumpsuit, her blonde hair cascading down her back in natural waves; unlike the ones I had spent the last two hours trying to make look natural. ‘No sign of Joshua? He set off on his bike before us,’ Jamie said, taking stock of the room, concern flashing across her face. Of course Joshua rode a bike; one step up from a skateboard, I guess. Just as Jamie put her too-expensive handbag down on the marble kitchen surface, another key turned in the door and there were heavy footsteps in the corridor. Jamie’s face lit up. He had a key? Why the hell would he have a key? I looked at Jamie’s grin, seductive and suspicious. Maybe I wasn’t the only one with secrets? Sure enough, seconds later, Joshua popped his head around the archway into the room.
‘Joshua!’ Jamie squealed as she flung both arms around his broad-shouldered frame. He embraced her tightly, hands resting on her upper back, face nestled in her freefalling locks. I glanced towards Sam, whose head was downcast, his hands fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. He looked up at Jamie and Joshua briefly and then turned to me, holding my gaze for a little too long. He was never one for details but even he must have been able to feel the chemistry between them. Slowly letting go of Jamie, Joshua turned to me and gave me the same assured kiss on the cheek; no squeals, no lingering hair sniff. He then put his arms around Sam, giving him a backslapping man-hug. Sam’s smile looked strained.
Before I even noticed her knocking together our starters, the wooden table in the centre of the kitchen was set with a colourful display of Mediterranean tapas. Bread, oils, olives, halloumi; it was a doppelgänger for the dinners Sam and I had shared on our graduation getaway. I’d had to hold out after my own graduation for Sam to finish the following year, and I’d had to go with his lot, not mine. And yet, stealing away from his medic friends to grab a moment alone with Sam in Cyprus had been worth the wait.
I sat down at the table and stretched my hand out to the halloumi; Sam did the same, our hands colliding in the middle. ‘After you,’ Sam said; like he had a choice. He pulled his chair closer to the table, his foot grazing my own in the process, muscle memory bringing our bodies back together.
‘This looks amazing, Jamie,’ Joshua gushed, placing an affectionate hand on her angular shoulder. ‘Thanks so much for having me.’ Their eyes met. I looked at Sam, who was looking from Joshua to me. Even I couldn’t read his expression.
‘Hey, it was Jess’s idea,’ Jamie deflected. Joshua grinned in my direction. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I could imagine Zoe pacing the floor, gesticulating with her hands, telling me again and again that this was a stupid idea, that I should stop meddling, that I should let Sam move on. That I should do the same. Reaching across the table for another pitta, I silenced the thought. Zoe wasn’t here; she hadn’t even called me back. And I wasn’t meddling. My suggestion had got Joshua sitting opposite the girl of his dreams. And it just so happened that it had also got me sitting in front of the man of mine.
By the time Jamie had served the main dish (lamb tagine and couscous with a fun-free version for her), the table conversation was in full flow. Jamie and Joshua had shared everything but an awkward silence; their connection was undeniable.
‘Joshua, that sweater is such a good colour on you… Joshua, the work you do with the youth is just amazing… Joshua, it’s so good to have you here with us…’ I wasn’t sure whether Sam noticed the fact that Jamie had complimented Joshua more times in one and a half courses than I’d seen her compliment Sam all week. After all, I had done all in my power to keep his attention on me. And that was working perfectly. Topping up our glasses at twice the rate as Jamie and Joshua, our own conversation flowed as freely as the wine. It was almost like old times. You know, except for the fact his fiancée was sitting beside us.
‘Do you remember that time? Austin. The pool?’ Sam struggled to say through his laughter. After five years together, we’d developed a few private jokes of our own. I snorted my Sauvignon. I remembered it well. Unbeknownst to Jamie, her medi-spread had prompted no end of medic-holiday memories. Sam was in his element.
‘I literally couldn’t get the image out of my head for days!’ Sam wiped away a tear. I did the same, looking up at him and holding his gaze for less than two seconds before he crumbled into laughter once again. One week, six boys, three girls and a whole lot of alcohol.
‘Not the only thing that happened in that pool.’ I grinned, my eyebrows raising as Sam shiftily glanced at his fiancée. Jamie was fully occupied, laughing and joking with Joshua but I saw Joshua send a brief glance in my direction. Sam looked at me, a question glimmering in his eyes. I’d have loved to know what was going on in his head. He lowered his voice a little as he said, ‘Now that image really will stay with me for a long time.’ I looked at Sam, his face bashful yet cheeky; there he was. My Sam. I looked back at Jamie and Joshua, happily chatting away about youth group and the restaurants and shops they knew so well. Joshua was the perfect distraction, his black band shirt complementing Jamie’s jumpsuit. They even looked great together.
This was perfect; why couldn’t things just stay this way?
‘Stay a little longer, Jess.’ Sam’s voice was low as Jamie and Joshua continued to chatter.
‘What?’ I looked up from my plate, confused.
‘That call, the apartment.’ He took another sip of wine, shaking his head. ‘I know when you’re lying, Jess,’ he said, not a speck of doubt darting through his words. Did he? ‘If Joshua wasn’t there in the car, if we’d had longer just the two of us, you would have told me, right?’ He cast a look to him and Jamie. If Jamie wasn’t here, he would tell me stuff too. ‘The renovations aren’t done yet are they?’
‘No,’ I admitted. That part was true at least.
‘Then stay a little longer,’ he offered, unsure why I seemed reluctant. Part of me
was unsure why he wasn’t more reluctant.
‘You’ve already had to sleep on that sofa for a week.’ I shook my head. The fact that Sam so wanted me to stay was quickly making me forget all my reasons for leaving.
‘Don’t you know how freaking comfy that couch is?’ He laughed. I couldn’t imagine it was comfier than a bed. I placed my knife and fork down together in something like surrender.
‘We should do this again.’ Jamie stood up, beginning to gather our empty plates together. She looked down at me and smiled as Joshua began to clear the condiments off the table.
‘Absolutely!’ Joshua said, moving across to stand behind her at the sink, wrapping his arms around her waist. I glanced at Sam. What were they doing? I guess this was what I had hoped would happen but not in broad daylight, not in front of Sam. Now that it was, I almost felt sorry for him. Was that why he wanted me to stay: to make her jealous? My eyes flitted between Jamie and Sam, trying and failing to work out their ever-changing dynamic. Jamie turned around to look up at her boy-band counterpart, their faces inches away from each other.
I held my breath.
‘Always lovely to spend time with my little sis,’ Joshua said, giving her another squeeze.
Sister. Of course she was his sister. He loved her. They couldn’t be closer. And here I was, trying to use him as a bloody distraction so I could remind her fiancé of what he was really missing. I guess they’d just assumed Sam had told me and let it fall through the cracks; just like me. Rock bottom was becoming a second home to me.
Zoe was right; this situation was stupid. I had to get out of here. I had to get a new place, move away from him, start again – again. Do it properly this time.
‘I’ve missed this,’ Sam said, leaning across the table and drawing my attention back to him. He lifted a hand to rub his chin. ‘I haven’t thought about that holiday in years. It feels like just yesterday, eh?’ It always had to me. Joshua and Jamie had let go of each other and were now doing the washing up, the sound of pots, pans and chatter giving Sam and I yet another moment to ourselves.
‘Just seeing you reminds me of it all.’ Sam smiled broadly, reaching a hand across the table to rest on mine. ‘So you’ll stay until your apartment’s sorted?’
I looked at Jamie and Joshua and again at Sam, savouring the feeling of his skin on my skin and his eyes on mine. Maybe I could stay just a little longer.
11 July 2016 – Nottingham, England
‘I can’t wait forever,’ I heard Zoe shout from outside the changing room door. I swung it open and stood unceremoniously in what could only be described as a long top.
‘Jess, you look amazing,’ she squeaked.
‘I look like a call girl,’ I objected.
‘No.’ Zoe shook her head in a way I had grown accustomed to over the past four years. ‘You look like an escort – two very different things.’
Not a lot had changed over our time at university but somehow going from call girl to escort felt like a graduation. Thankfully that wasn’t the only graduation imminent, but I sure as hell couldn’t receive my BA Hons wearing this.
‘Well at least buy it for Malta,’ Zoe insisted. She looked stunning in the short rainbow dress she was trying on.
‘You know I can’t come to Malta,’ I said and her smile vanished. ‘I’ve promised I’ll go to Cyprus after Sam’s graduation; I just can’t afford both. Don’t worry, you guys will have fun without me.’
‘I’m not worried about that.’
Ouch. Thanks, Zo.
‘Then what are you worried about?’ I didn’t mean to snap.
‘I’m worried that you’ll regret missing out,’ Zoe began with trepidation. It sounded like the start of a conversation far too serious for someone wearing a dress that short.
‘Cyprus will be worth the wait,’ I deflected confidently, turning back towards the mirror. Zoe came to stand behind my right shoulder.
‘Maybe.’ She hesitated. ‘But what if Sam’s not?’ she asked in a voice far quieter than normal, placing her hand on my upper arm. I turned to face her, shrugging it off, defences now fully engaged.
‘What do you mean?’ I lowered my own voice, not wanting us to be the kind of young women who argued in public, especially ones wearing dresses only just covering their underwear.
‘I don’t know,’ she began, although it was clear she did. ‘It’s just, a year is a long time. A lot can change. He could change. You could change,’ she mused.
‘Things won’t change,’ I snapped a little too quickly, the edge of my words cutting the air.
‘I know but,’ Zoe began again. ‘It’s just —’
‘It’s just what, Zoe?’ I asked, her nervous energy rubbing off on my own.
‘It’s just, I’ve seen you sacrifice quite a lot for him over the last few years. Nights out, art stuff… I just don’t want you to regret any of that in the future.’ She gazed at me, her usually effervescent face serious.
‘Oh, Zoe.’ She didn’t understand. She couldn’t. She hadn’t had a relationship like ours; she didn’t know what it was like to be in something long-term. She didn’t even want to be. I smiled at her. ‘Sam is my future.’
Part II
Chapter 23
4 September 2020 – Sydney, Australia
‘For the love of God, Jess, please tell me that’s not Sam’s stupid surfboard behind you?’ Even Zoe’s scowl transmitted through Skype. I turned to look at the mounted board and then back to the screen perched precariously on the bed, close to the edge.
‘Shhhh, Zoe, don’t say that, they’ll hear,’ I whispered.
‘It is!’ she exclaimed, and then even louder, ‘For Christ’s sake!’
I turned the laptop volume down a bar or two. Yes, I was still in the box room. But I could explain. For one, the past month had gone by in a blur; from CreateSpace to surf lessons, the days had galloped by as winter was finally starting to fade. We’d fallen into a pattern: carpools to work, helping each other out around the apartment. It just seemed to be, well – working.
Unlike Sam and Jamie. Her happy-go-lucky façade had started to crack soon after the Sunday lunch that had seen Sam convince me to stay. The closer they drew to the wedding, the further apart they seemed to be. There was just under a month to go and at the rate they were arguing I was almost convinced that it wasn’t going to happen. They were just too different. Of course, for Zoe’s benefit I’d elected to share the edited explanation.
‘I’ve been so busy with work,’ I half-truthed. ‘The exhibition opens tonight; once it’s over, I’ll be finding my own place.’ I smiled and nodded, tilting the screen so that Zoe could see the blouse I was going to wear tonight hanging proudly against the outside of the wardrobe.
‘Finding your own place?’ Zoe’s face grew a little bigger in the centre of my screen as she reached forwards to take a closer look. I knew she wasn’t looking at the blouse. ‘I thought you had one, the one you’ve been waiting bloody ages to get into?’
‘Oh yeah, sorry.’ I pushed my hair behind my ears. ‘That’s what I meant.’
‘That’s bullshit,’ she cut me off. I knew the renovation fib was wearing thin – with her, with Jamie, most definitely with Joshua – but it only needed to hang on a day or two longer. ‘You just keep pushing it back, hoping that if you stick around long enough Sam will stick it to her.’ She always suspected the worst, but even Zoe couldn’t comprehend my fabricated life, that my apartment didn’t even exist. ‘You never change.’ Zoe shook her head.
I knew that. I’d kept up my end of the bargain, if only everybody else could do the same.
‘That’s not true,’ I objected, praying my confidence would convince her. It wasn’t, was it? I couldn’t help it if Sam kept inviting me for lunches, stealing little moments…
‘I say this with love,’ Zoe began, her classic precursor to some cold hard truth. ‘You really need to move on.’
I looked down at the screen, at my beautiful best friend in her beautiful new living ro
om, happy and settled in Colchester. I had tried to move on, honestly. I had tried to leave my whole flipping life behind and start again in Sydney. And yet, here I was, and here he was – why could no one see that had to mean something?
‘Look, Zoe,’ I said matter-of-factly, gearing to say anything but truth. ‘That’s not why I’m here. Once the exhibition opening is over I’m out of here.’
Zoe raised her perfectly plucked eyebrow, unconvinced. I sighed, the distance between us feeling greater than ever. Friends always promise they’ll remember what it feels like to feel confused, directionless, like life isn’t playing fair. But then they start to navigate it all so well that they forget what it’s like to be lost in the first place.
‘How’s the house?’ I asked, knowing changing the subject would be easier than changing her mind. It was the perfect bait. She couldn’t help herself; talk of shower poles ensued until it was finally time for her to say goodbye, and for me to start my day. The day.
Stashing my laptop away, I forced Zoe’s words from my mind. I couldn’t think about leaving their apartment right now anyway, not with the exhibition opening tonight. I needed to get my head in the game. Reaching down to open one of the drawers of Sam’s bedside table, I reached for the brown A4 envelope I had stowed inside, hidden slightly by a handful of Sam’s odd socks that hadn’t made their way into the master bedroom. Unlike Sam, who would find his way into the master bedroom very soon, if the wedding went to plan – but I had to keep my sights on my own plan. I lifted the unsealed fold and pulled out the fresh print-outs displaying my credentials. The smooth opening of our exhibition was one thing; convincing one of our most notorious guests to give me a job without anyone else knowing was something else. I figured I’d only have enough time to cajole her into going for a coffee and a chat some other day. But it wouldn’t hurt to have my CV to hand, just in case. Checked, returned and re-stashed, I clambered over the mound of decorative cushions that had mercilessly been thrown towards the side of the room.
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