by Jan Drexler
“I want Mamma.” Mari’s voice was so quiet that Bethany almost didn’t hear her.
She sat down on the edge of the bed again. “I’m here. What do you need?”
Mari turned on her side, facing away from Bethany. “I want Mamma. My real Mamma.”
Bethany had no answer for Mari, nothing she could do to give her what she longed for.
“I know, Mari. I know.”
Bethany wanted nothing more than to be held by her own mother, too.
Another tear pooled in the corner of Mari’s eye and she squinted to push it out. As her face relaxed into sleep, Bethany gently rubbed her back until her breathing deepened and became regular.
While she waited, her mind went back to when she had tried to comfort James the morning after Mamm’s passing. He had been such a little boy and couldn’t understand what had happened. Bethany had tried to comfort him, but he had struggled in her arms.
“You’re not my mamm,” he had said. “You’ll never be my mamm.”
He had pushed her away, hitting her with his little fists until his sobbing had finally faded. Then he had let Bethany hold him and comfort him...but she knew. She would always be a poor substitute for Mamm, just like she was a poor substitute for Lily. Still the second choice. Still the second best.
When Mari was sound asleep, Bethany looked at the clock on the little table by the bed. It was time for dinner, but she had no energy to think about what to prepare and no time to make anything more than cold sandwiches. A working man needed more than sandwiches to keep him going. A good wife would make sure he had nourishing food at every meal.
As she reached the top of the stairway, Bethany took a deep breath. Fried chicken? When she went downstairs and into the kitchen, Rose was working at the stove, a skillet of chicken sizzling as she turned the pieces one by one.
“That smells delicious,” Bethany said. “What can I do to help?”
Rose had a peculiar expression on her face. “Is everything all right upstairs?”
“Mari is sleeping now, but she would like some of your milk soup when she wakes up. Dr. Hoover said she is recovering well. We just need to wait for the spots to go away, and he says they should be gone by next week.”
“But everything else is fine?” Rose looked into Bethany’s face, waiting. But for what?
“Ja, for sure.”
“Andrew is pleased with you as his new wife?”
Bethany turned from Rose’s penetrating gaze. Some ears of sweet corn were piled on the kitchen counter, waiting to be cleaned. She picked one up and started peeling away the green husk.
“I suppose he is. He hasn’t said anything different.”
“But is he happy? Do you make him as happy as he was with my Lily?”
Bethany’s hands shook. For sure, Andrew wasn’t as happy with her as he had been with Lily. Ripping the husks off the ears of corn, she tried to act as if she hadn’t heard Rose’s question. Once the ears of corn were on the counter, ready to go into the simmering water in the big pot on the stove, Bethany gathered up the husks and silk to take to the refuse pile.
“I’ll go see if Andrew is ready to come in. I know you don’t want to put the food on the table until he’s ready.”
Walking toward the refuse pile at the edge of the garden, Bethany found Andrew, clearing weeds from the bed of day lilies.
“They’ve spread even farther, haven’t they?” she said.
She had startled him, and he nearly fell into the stream. When he saw her, he grinned. “They’re nearly over the bank of the stream, but they’re doing fine.”
Bethany turned one orange flower toward her, cupping the blossom between her fingers. They were lovely, but she still remembered that they represented Andrew’s love for his first wife. Letting go of the flower, she sighed. There was no use in worrying about it. Lily would always be part of their lives.
“Rose is frying chicken for your dinner, and there’s sweet corn, too.”
“That sounds good.” He pulled one more weed and threw it on the pile. “She’s making herself pretty useful around here, isn’t she?”
“Rose?” Bethany still trembled. Andrew hadn’t heard Rose’s hurtful questions. “I suppose so.”
“She was a great help when Mari was so sick.”
“Ja, she was.”
Bethany followed Andrew to the pump and worked the handle while he washed up.
“You don’t sound like you really agree with me.” Andrew splashed water on his face and neck.
“I thought she was only going to live here on a temporary basis, but it seems like she’s settling in for good.”
Andrew shook the drops of water off his hands. “You’re not going to bring that up again, are you? With the drought still going on out west, I can’t ask her to go back there.” He stepped closer to her. “What is bothering you, Bethany? It isn’t only Rose, is it?”
How could she tell him without sounding prideful? Because it was prideful for her to want to be more important than a woman she had never met. A woman that meant more to her husband and his daughter than she ever would.
“It isn’t important, and dinner is almost ready. We need to go inside.”
Bethany started toward the back door, but Andrew caught her elbow, holding her until she looked at him.
“You aren’t sorry you married me, are you?”
She looked beyond his shoulder to the patch of day lilies at the edge of the garden. Was she sorry?
“It doesn’t matter whether or not either one of us regrets what we did. What matters is that Mari is happy.”
Bethany forced herself to smile, but Andrew frowned.
“I know you, Bethany, and there is something bothering you. What is it?”
She glanced toward the house, mindful that Rose could be watching them. Her fingers twisted themselves into a knot while she tried to keep the words in, but this was Andrew. Her best friend. If she didn’t think about the wedding, and the fact that he was supposed to be her husband, she could confide in him the way she used to when she was a girl.
“I’m not enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mari wants her mother, and Rose wants her daughter. Even you—” she gestured toward the bed of day lilies “—would rather be married to Lily than to me.”
His silence was all the answer she needed. She turned and walked away from him, heading toward the barn. Anywhere to get away from Andrew, and especially Rose.
“Bethany, wait.” He caught up with her, took her arm and led her to the workbench. “Sit down.” He pointed to the stool where he sat when he mended harnesses, then faced her. “You’re wrong.”
“Admit it, Andrew. You would be happier if Lily had never died and you still lived in Iowa.”
He nodded, his shoulders slumped. “But I can’t change the past. I can’t bring Lily back.”
“I’m tired of being the second choice. I expect it from Rose. She didn’t choose any of this. And Mari is only a child. But you...” She drew a deep breath, trying to control the awful self-pity that threatened to consume her. “You asked me to be your wife, to step into this role. But everywhere I turn, I only see reminders of the wife you’d rather have. No matter what I do, I’m not enough to take her place.” She stood, pushing past him. “I’m going back to Daed’s to stay for a while. I need to think about our future, and so do you.”
“Bethany, wait. Stop.”
She ignored Andrew’s calls and stalked down the lane toward home.
* * *
Andrew stood in the barn doorway, watching Bethany’s retreating back. He knew her moods, and there was nothing he could say to her right now. She would get over it eventually. She always did.
He kicked at a stone. What if she didn’t?
The scent of chicken frying reminded him that it was dinnertime, and
it had been hours since breakfast. Heading toward the house, he decided to think about what to do about Bethany while he ate.
Rose was alone in the kitchen. Andrew hung his hat on the hook just inside the door.
“How is Mari doing?” He sat at the table.
“Bethany said she was sleeping. I’ll take her dinner to her when she wakes up.” Rose laid a platter of fried chicken on the table and turned back to the stove to pick ears of corn out of the big kettle. “Where is Bethany? She went out to get you.”
Andrew took a drink of water. “She went to visit Jonah.”
“Will she be here for dinner?”
“I don’t know.”
Rose turned to face him. “So, it has happened.”
“What has?”
“You married this girl on a whim to spite me, and now that things aren’t working out, she’s leaving you and Mari on your own.”
“You don’t know that. She just went to see Jonah.”
Rose sat in her chair. “I saw her leave the barn, and I heard you call after her. The two of you had a disagreement, and I’m not surprised.”
“That isn’t what happened.”
“Then why are you letting her go?”
“I’m not letting her go. I’ll talk to her after dinner.”
“Humph.” Rose folded her hands in her lap, ready for the silent prayer. “If there was any love between you, dinner wouldn’t matter.” She bowed her head.
Andrew’s thoughts were in such a turmoil that he couldn’t pray. Even when he raised his head and took a chicken leg from the platter, Rose’s words still echoed—if there was any love between you... Was that the problem? He cared for her, didn’t he? Perhaps someday love would grow.
Then Jonah’s words came back to him. He had to choose to love Bethany. Hadn’t he done that? He had chosen to marry her, hadn’t he?
The bite of chicken turned dry in his mouth. Bethany was right. He swallowed the tasteless meat.
She was right. He hadn’t let go of his love for Lily. As long as he refused to let Lily fade into the past, he wouldn’t be able take hold of what God had given him. And Bethany had suffered for it.
“I need to go.” Andrew stood up. Where would he go? To Jonah’s house? What would he say to her?
“You haven’t eaten your dinner, and I spent all morning fixing it.” Rose spread butter on an ear of corn. “Bethany walked away from you, so she should be the one to make the first move.”
“I’m going to talk to her. I’ll eat after I get back.”
Andrew grabbed his hat on the way out the door and jogged down the farm lane. As he passed the kitchen window, he saw Rose watching him. He couldn’t tell if she hoped he would bring Bethany home, or if she was happy to see their marriage falter. He pushed away the thoughts. Rose might be difficult, but he had never known her to want harm to happen to anyone.
Jonah and his sons were sitting at the kitchen table when Andrew stepped onto the porch. Jonah met him at the door.
“Bethany came over here a while ago.” He opened the screen door, but didn’t invite Andrew in. “She didn’t even stop by the house but went straight to the barn.”
When Andrew glanced toward the barn, Jonah went on.
“I’d leave her to herself for a few minutes. Is Mari all right? And Rose?”
Andrew nodded. “Dr. Hoover stopped by this morning and said Mari is coming along fine.” He rubbed the back of his neck and glanced toward the barn again. “Rose is acting a bit odd, but she’s been worried about Mari.”
“And Bethany?”
“I don’t know what started it, but she’s pretty unhappy.”
Jonah moved out onto the porch, out of earshot of Bethany’s brothers.
“She has been very worried about Mari. Did she say anything that might give you a clue?”
Andrew glanced toward the barn again, but there was no sign of Bethany. “She said that she wasn’t enough to take Lily’s place.” He looked at Jonah. “But I never asked her to take Lily’s place. I only wanted her to be herself.”
Jonah tapped his chin with one finger. “Our actions often outweigh our words. Have you shown her that you appreciate her, and not only the role she has taken? Have you shown her that you want your marriage to be one filled with love?”
“I thought I did. I thought she was content with our life together. Things had improved, and she was even getting along with Rose.”
“Then you need to talk to her, tell her how you feel, and then show her how you feel.”
“What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”
“Keep trying. Don’t give up on her, or yourself.”
Jonah went back into the kitchen, letting the screen door close with the soft slap of wood against wood.
Andrew rolled his shoulders and started toward the barn.
Bethany had seen him coming and stood at the edge of the haymow, her hands on her hips.
“I don’t want to talk to you, so you may as well go back home.”
Andrew stopped on the threshold. “Even if I came to apologize?”
She crossed her arms. “What kind of apology can you give me?”
“What if I told you that you are right?”
Turning away, Bethany walked to the back of the haymow. Andrew climbed up the ladder and followed her. She had sat on the bare floor in the empty mow, her knees drawn up and her hands clasped around them. As he approached, she turned her face away. He squatted down next to her, watching the dust motes swim in a narrow sunbeam.
“You were right. I have clung to Lily’s memory. It’s been so hard to let go of her, that I’m sure it seems like I’d rather have her here than you.”
“It doesn’t just seem that way. It’s true. You would be happier if she had never died.” Bethany’s voice was almost a whisper.
“I might want that to be true, but it isn’t. Lily is never coming back.” Andrew picked up a piece of last year’s hay from the floor. “Jonah told me that I need to move on, to leave the past in the past and grasp hold of what God has given me now.”
“And what is that?”
“It’s you, Bethany. You and Mari, and even Rose. We’re a family. I know it isn’t easy to get along sometimes, but we have to try.”
“It isn’t easy most of the time.” She sniffed as if she had been crying.
“But if we choose to...” Andrew swallowed. He wasn’t sure how Bethany would react if he mentioned love. “If we choose to get along and appreciate each other, things will go a lot better.”
Bethany sighed and rested her forehead on her knees.
“You are enough. You are more than enough. And I didn’t make a mistake when I asked you to marry me. I don’t want you to take Lily’s place, I want you to make your own place.”
She didn’t move.
“Will you come home?”
“I’ll be there by suppertime.” Her voice was muffled.
Andrew climbed back down the ladder. She might be coming home, but he didn’t feel like he had solved anything.
* * *
Bethany walked across the road to Andrew’s farm just before supper as she had promised him, but nothing had changed.
When she let herself in the kitchen door, Rose was upstairs with Mari, so Bethany started gathering leftovers for supper. The fried chicken from dinner was keeping cool in the springhouse, so she made a chicken salad for sandwiches. By the time she had the salad made and the bread sliced, Rose had come back downstairs.
“So you decided to come back?” Rose avoided looking at her as she started setting the table.
“I was only visiting Daed. I told Andrew I’d be home by suppertime.”
“Will you be running over there every time you and Andrew have a disagreement?”
Bethany stirred the chicken salad, remembering Andrew’s word
s. They needed to choose to get along.
“Our disagreement was a small one, and easily solved. It isn’t anything for you to be concerned about.”
Andrew was harder to convince. All through supper, he treated Bethany as if she was a newly laid egg.
“How did Mari do this afternoon?” he asked Rose.
“We played a game and I read to her from that Bible storybook.” Rose passed the bowl of chicken salad to Bethany. “She fell asleep about the time Bethany returned home.”
He smiled at Bethany. “Did you have a good visit with Jonah?”
Bethany nearly choked on her sandwich. He knew what she was doing this afternoon. “For sure. It was nice to spend time with my brothers, too.” She gave him a pointed stare. “They made me feel very welcome.”
“I’m glad. You should visit them more often. I know they miss you.”
By the time supper was over and the dishes washed, Mari had woken up from her nap. Andrew carried her downstairs to sit in the living room while Rose and Bethany worked on their sewing and Andrew read from the Budget newspaper. The evening seemed to last forever, but Bethany kept a smile on her face. Andrew’s request to choose to get along seemed to work.
As soon as the room grew dark, Rose put her sewing away.
“I’ll see you folks in the morning.” She kissed Mari. “Sleep well, little one.”
Andrew carried Mari up to her room, then went out to check the barn while Bethany tucked Mari in her bed and stayed until she fell asleep. After she heard Andrew go into his room and close the door, she laid her hand on the little girl’s forehead. Cool and dry. Bethany went to her own room and soon fell asleep.
Later that night, Bethany woke to Mari’s cries. She was calling for her mamma again, and Bethany sighed. She swung her feet onto the floor and walked to Mari’s door.
“I’m here, Mari. What do you need?”
“I don’t want to be alone.”
There was no moon, so the room was dark. Bethany felt for the matches she kept on a shelf and lit the lamp by Mari’s bed.
“You’re not alone anymore.” Smiling, she adjusted Mari’s pillow as the little girl struggled to sit up. “Now, why aren’t you asleep?”
