by Alexis Anne
“You’re right and I hate it. I wish all the celebrities who have houses here that they never visit would give the space to all of us who love living here.”
I wanted to say a lot of things in the silence but instead I dropped cash on the table that more than covered two beers and a great tip and took Liv’s hand. “Let’s get that walk in.”
I held her hand as tightly as I felt comfortable, refusing to let it go when she tugged at the swinging door to the beach. She didn’t try again and I considered that a victory. We walked aimlessly which was kind of fun. I felt her everywhere. The anticipation of being so close and yet knowing I had no right to kiss or touch her yet made her presence all that much more intense.
When I couldn’t take anymore I led her back to the boat and took us home. I made my case. Liv was smart. She knew I was making my way back into her life romantically and if she didn’t want me, now was the time to tell me.
Instead she waved goodnight and thanked me. The minute she disappeared I fell backward off the dock into the cool evening water, hoping it would help save me from the fire raging inside my body.
17
Operation Linc
Chris
Over the next two weeks I wasn’t friendly with Liv. My smiles weren’t nice. They were “I know what you look like naked” smiles. When I left town I had flowers delivered. When I came home I brought chocolates and ice cream.
I wrote her a goddamned love note.
A love note. The fuck? But that’s where we were and it was what needed doing.
Liv,
I miss you. I want to grow old with you. I want to coach all of Linc’s fall ball games and kiss you goodnight. I want to drink whiskey as we watch the sunset each night and then take you to bed. It’s an adventure I can’t have with anyone but you.
Love,
Chris
It took me two hours and almost an entire notebook of paper to get that simple little note right. And maybe a few of the guys helped. I left it tucked in with the chocolates.
Then Summer handed Linc off to me for adventure club. This week they were collecting and identifying shells on the beach. It was the perfect day for this activity since there had just been a tropical depression that moved through. It churned up the Gulf and brought ashore items that wouldn’t normally wash up on the beach. It was also why we were having to supervise the kids more than normal. They were all islanders, so they knew their jellyfish from their plastic, but some kids just can’t help putting their fingers in light sockets, if you know what I mean.
“Julian!” Isaac Anson yelled at the nine year old ten feet away. “Do not touch that crab again. Let it go!”
The crab was very much alive and just trying to get back in its hidey hole. We’d chased Julian off three times already. The kid just wouldn’t quit. “I think we’re going to have to redirect.” Isaac started teaching me parenting words like “redirect” when I helped him coach fall ball.
He found this hilarious. “You’re doing well young padawan.” He patted my shoulder. “Julian! Go help Rosalinda carry the buckets.”
Julian gave one last forlorn look at his prize crab and finally ran the thirty yards down the beach to where a group of kids were lining up the buckets we’d given them for group inspection. We had to keep the kids out of the water today because the weather was still fairly windy which was causing the rip currents to be stronger than usual and giving the stingrays a playground just a few meters offshore. We could see their wings popping out of the waves every few seconds as they swarmed.
The last thing either of us wanted or needed was to perform a water rescue in these conditions.
Linc squatted in front of the dead horseshoe crab we flipped over so the kids could inspect the body hidden under the hard outer shell. He pointed at something and looked up at Isaac’s daughter, Rosie.
“You ever miss it?” I asked. I didn’t need to say what “it” was. Isaac Anson played baseball before me and he was good. Could have been legendary good. He lasted about a second in the minors before getting called up to St. Pete. He played one magical season, breaking records and probably hearts, and then he suddenly retired, never playing another professional game.
His brother Everett had a similar story. He lasted two very promising seasons in the minors and then also retired.
The mystery of the Anson brothers was one of those that came up in locker rooms every so often. Usually deep into the season when everyone was tired of traveling and worried about the future. Remember that guy that just...quit? What’s he doing now?
Now I knew. Isaac became a father. I didn’t have the details or even the full circumstances, but between what Isaac mentioned and Trent’s gossiping, the gist I got was that he was an instant single dad and needed to come home to run the family business. It didn’t make sense to me. He had a very lucrative career at his feet. He just needed another year, maybe two, to reap the full benefits. With that kind of money he could set himself and his daughter up for life.
But instead he quit and came home. It was the kind of story I wanted to fix, even though it wasn’t mine to touch, mostly because I could see it in his eyes when we were coaching. Isaac missed baseball.
Not that his life wasn’t good. He seemed happy and they didn’t hurt for money at all.
Isaac became very quiet and still at my question, his eyes trained on Rosie. “It’s in the bones. When I turn on a game they ache. I don’t usually miss that life, but every once in a while it actually hurts to think about.”
“You’re not too old to take a second swing at it.”
He raised a skeptical eyebrow and shook his head. “I don’t have the same wear and tear the other guys my age have now, but I’ll never be the ballplayer I was.”
I glanced at our kids giggling together and wondered if I would drop everything for Linc. It was easier for me to say yes. I’d already accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. Walking away wouldn’t leave me with regret. I honestly didn’t know what I would have done in his shoes, but it made me respect Isaac one hell of a lot.
“Well, we have a workout at the end of the month where we get to bring guests. If you and Everett want to join me…”
“Yes. We want.” Then he smiled. “Thank you, Chris.”
“No problem. I think we better start the lesson or we’re going to lose Julian.”
Isaac jogged over to the line of buckets and began his lecture on the different types of shells that made our beaches so inviting to tourists. I was in charge of the jellyfish, horseshoe crab, and sea urchin.
“The horseshoe crab has very special blue blood because it contains copper,” I recited from the article I read earlier today. The kids all made various noises of wonder and disgust. I turned the large creature over to show off the hard, protective outer layer, and then flipped it back over to point out the body parts. “Scientists use this very special blood to test medicines and vaccines. They’ve been around for 450 million years, so they’re like our local dinosaurs.”
Linc’s arm shot up. “We have a lot of living fossils here Chris. Alligators, starfish, orange roughy—”
Isaac held up a shell. “Nautilus shells.”
“Okay, okay. We live in the Bermuda Triangle and time has no meaning here.”
Rosie gasped.
Isaac waved his hand at her. ‘We don’t actually live in the Bermuda Triangle. He was just joking.” Then he shot me a warning look.
I shrugged. What could I say? I was still learning this parenting gig.
We walked home from club since it was only a mile down the beach from our houses. Linc kept stopping to pick up shells he thought Olivia would like.
“Hey Linc.”
“Yeah?”
I debated whether this was a good idea or not. But in the end I decided that Linc was an integral part of this and he should be consulted. “I’m in love with your mom.”
He slowly turned my way, his little eyes narrowed into slits. For a split second I worried I ruined our fr
iendship. Especially when he fisted his hands on his hips.
“What do you mean?”
The blood drained out of my head. I think I was more afraid of Linc than I was of my team manager. “I love her. I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her...and you.”
He didn’t move or say anything. Then his chin lifted a little. “What took you so long?”
What took me so long? “Uh, I didn’t want to rush things. You know, go too fast and mess things up.”
His hands fell to his sides and he threw his head back groaning. “Oh my god. You two are the worst. Just kiss her already.”
I had to laugh at his obvious exasperation with the adults in his life. “I have kissed her. And I liked it. I’d like to kiss her all the time.”
“Gross.” He waved his hands like he was erasing me. “Don’t kiss in front of me. That’s adult stuff and I’m too young to see it. You really blew it last year.”
I blinked at this kid. He went from mad to exasperated and back to mad. “How so?”
He rolled his eyes. “Uh, you won a World Series and didn’t pick my mom up and kiss her on the field like they do in that movie. She would have fallen in love with you right then and we’d be a family already.”
Like they do in that movie? I racked my brain trying to figure out what he was talking about when I landed on the end of Major League when Tom Berenger lifts Rene Russo out of the stands and kisses her.
“Your mom let you watch Major League?”
He rolled his eyes again. “I know not to repeat all the bad words. Besides, if I’m not exposed to these things I’ll never learn how to navigate them.”
I heard Olivia coming out of his mouth. Word for word.
“I kissed her in the locker room after the game.”
He shook his head. “Not good enough. That was secret—even though Aunt Summer and Dad both knew what was up. Love can’t be secret, Chris.”
He was far too smart for his age. “We didn’t want to hurt you.”
He sighed again and walked up to me, taking my hand in his much smaller one. “Chris. You’re my best friend. You’ll never hurt me.”
His conviction and confidence in me choked me up. This empty ache in my chest? Only Linc could fill it. I knew right then I’d find the same courage as Isaac and do whatever it took to give Linc a good life.
Linc tugged on my hand until I went down on my knee. He leaned closer and whispered in my ear. “If I help you win Mom over...can I have a little brother or sister?”
I couldn’t help it. I hugged Linc tight and sighed with relief. “I’ll see what I can do, kid. I’ll see what I can do.”
18
When we’re all together it feels good
Olivia
Being part of a project and being in charge of a project were two very different things. In short, I was exhausted. But I was also happier than ever. I hadn’t realized how stifled I felt or how much I needed this feeling of accomplishment. All these years I genuinely believed I wanted a quiet little photography business when what I really wanted was a quiet little photography business and big, huge, larger than life projects. I loved that I now had two worlds to move between. I could be a quiet little hermit at home when I needed to focus on my business (and being a mom, and being me.)
But now I had this whole other life to jump back into when the right project came along.
I was looking forward to a little quiet for the next few months. Carmen was handing me the reins to a documentary on the microcosms of suburbia in January. Until then I got to focus on my hometown. My island. The history project I started and needed to finish.
As I edited the photographs I took of Grams over a year ago, I was sucked back in time. First to taking the pictures, then to my childhood eating cookies in her kitchen with Berlin and her sisters, and then finally to a time long before me, the years Grams described in her oral history of building their house on this out-of-the-way island that could only be reached by boat.
She described the alligators that blocked the roads at night, how large the shells used to be on the beaches after the high tides, the lighthouse keeper, the mailboat, the wooden one room schoolhouse she sent her kids to. It wasn’t that long ago and yet it felt like it was part of some ancient history.
I was just finishing up for the day when I heard the familiar and welcome sounds of Linc bursting through the door and Summer right behind him. “We’re back!”
I saved and closed my projects and appeared in the living room just in time to see Linc sneak a cookie. A sweet ache hit me as I remembered sneaking cookies in Grams kitchen, of mischievous little Chris smiling and winking for another.
“You’re supposed to ask first!”
Linc froze, smiled. “Can I have a cookie?” he asked, mouth completely full.
I rolled my eyes and found it impossible to punish him. Apparently being devastatingly cute and adorable could get you far in this world. Or at least our house.
“Yes you can have a cookie. Ask next time.”
“Yes, Mom.”
Summer closed the refrigerator. “I grabbed more milk because Linc claimed you were out.”
My eyes swung back to my son. “Why are we out?”
He shrugged. “What? I’m a growing boy!”
“Hey,” Summer laughed, “at least he got more.”
I had to admit that was a smooth move. “You staying for dinner?”
Summer grinned and her eyes glinted. “I...have a date.”
“Ooooooh!” Linc made a high pitched squealing noise that I was pretty sure was supposed to approximate a girl.
“Details?”
She turned to the door. “We’ll see how tonight goes. See you tomorrow!”
“What’s for dinner?” With the cookie gone Linc was apparently ready for real food.
“It’s an exciting meal. A thrilling meal. It’s...spaghetti and salad.”
Linc immediately began pulling out the jar of pasta sauce and noodles. “Let’s get going!”
While I cooked he worked on his homework which was, unfortunately, still somewhat parental supervision heavy. I called out multiplication problems and spelling words as I cooked and we were somehow done in time to eat.
“Mom?”
“Yeah?” I twirled the noodles on my fork and waited to find out what his question was. These days it could be anything from “can I stay up late” to “what is reproduction?”
“I’ve been thinking.”
Oh god, this was going to be a long one. I shoved the food in my mouth and got to chewing while I could.
“I need a brother or sister.”
I practically spit out my spaghetti but somehow managed to swallow it.
“And I think that means you should get married. To Chris.”
I was speechless. Absolutely speechless. In fact, all I could do was stare at my son. He seemed so angelically innocent only moments before, but now all I could see was Beau. His mischief, his complete confidence that his smile could get him anything.
I carefully set down my fork and folded my hands on the table in front of me. “Let’s take this one at a time.”
“Wise.”
What the what? “You need a brother or sister?”
“Yes. I am growing up alone. You have Aunt Summer and Chris has Ben and Scott. I won’t have that when I’m old like you.”
“I’m not old!”
Linc looked everywhere but at me, the little stinker.
“You’ll have friends. You’ll have me and your father. Your life is completely different from mine.”
His eyes narrowed. “But it would be better with a brother or sister. Don’t you like Chris?”
I sputtered. “Of course I like him. But that’s very different from marrying someone. Spending the rest of your life with them.” I did not point out that I wasn’t spending my life with Beau.
Parenting had become obscenely complicated!
“If you like him and he likes you...why not get married? Y
ou’re his favorite person. Besides me, of course. And I know you like him.”
There were too many things to tackle at once. For some reason I grabbed onto the last thing he said. “How do you know I like him...like that?”
My devilish offspring took a bite of pasta and chewed slowly. Then he gulped down more milk, finally smiling up at me sweetly. “Because when Chris comes over you’re happier. Because when you see him you smile real big like when you see me. And, mostly, because when we’re all together it feels good.”
When we’re all together it feels good. I couldn’t argue with that. And I didn’t want to.
Linc’s dinner statements threw me for a loop. I stared at the ceiling for half the night. I zombied my way through breakfast and walking to school. The warm walk helped clear the cobwebs from my brain.
I always wanted more kids.
And holding Chris’s hand rekindled all the tingles and zings I’d tried so hard to repress. It was just so...overwhelming. Like my brain disconnected from my body and my heart took over. Well, my heart and my body. It was some sort of combined effort to launch me physically at Chris. I didn’t like the feeling of being out of control, but I very much liked the feeling of being near Chris.
I never felt anything so powerful with Beau.
So, long story short, I was scared. Scared, scared, scared.
But also excited, because all of this waiting and separation was to test whether we had the kind of relationship that could survive baseball and divorce and kids. The surest sign we did, in fact, have staying power was the fact that it was Linc who wanted me to marry Chris.
Clearly my kid had no qualms about his “best friend’s” staying power.
And I had to admit, Chris was here rain or shine. He made the extra effort. He always came home. That was my biggest worry—that he’d grow sick of the island and leave just like my parents and Beau. Every day it became clearer to me that Chris and I were cut from the same cloth. Different parts, but the same fabric bound us together. He’d become part of our family whether I consciously acknowledged it or not.
