by Amy Cross
“You think this is funny?” I sneer, as I adjust my grip on the wrench. “You think I'm just some idiot, trapped in here forever?”
The panel continues to flap, and finally I rush over and start smashing it with the wrench. Locked in some kind of fury, I slam the panel over and over again, until finally I destroy the hinges and the flat piece of metal falls harmlessly to the floor. Even that isn't enough, however, so I drop to my knees and start raining blows down onto the metal, slamming it against the floor over and over again. I don't know how long this rage lasts, but finally I'm exhausted and I fall back against the wall just as the train starts picking up speed again.
We're leaving the yard.
We're setting off across the country for yet another journey.
“No!” I shout, as I drop the wrench and put my hand against the sides of my head. “I can't take it anymore! Just kill me! I have to find Milly!”
Nothing I shout makes any difference, of course. The train is back underway, rumbling along the tracks. There's no way to change course, no way to turn left or right. We're simply stuck on a single line that runs ahead, and no amount of screaming or yelling will ever change that. I've been on this train for ten years, and I'm starting to think that I might never be able to get off, that I'm stuck on here forever. Getting to my feet, I step toward the chair and look out the window, but all I see is the railroad stretching off into the distance, and I feel utterly helpless.
“I'm not doing this anymore,” I whisper, before realizing that I have one final option.
I try to imagine Milly waiting for me. Usually that image keeps me going, but this time I realize that maybe I shouldn't keep going. I thought she was waiting for me, I thought eventually I'd see her out at the side of the tracks, but it's been ten years now and there's no sign of her. Maybe we weren't really in love after all; I know I loved her, but what if she didn't really feel the same way for me? What if, for her, I was just someone she got involved with, someone she wanted to leave behind once she was dead? I want to cling to the hope of true love, but Milly's continued absence makes me feel as if I've been a fool all this time.
She's not out there.
She's not waiting.
All that's left is for me to try to end this misery.
I take a step back, and then I turn and look at the far wall. As the train continues to rumble along, I take a few deep breaths. I know this is going to hurt, I know it's going to be hard, but at the same time I also know that it's my only way to escape. Tears are running down my face as I feel a kind of emptiness where once there was my love with Milly. I still love her, of course, but it's not the same now that I realize she's left me behind. I guess I'm not the first guy who's ever made that mistake, and I won't be the last, but at least I can end my suffering. And perhaps, in the process, I'll also end the curse of this train.
I take one final deep breath, and then I rush forward. Screaming, I try to slam my head against the wall, but at the last moment something catches my foot and causes me to trip, sending me thudding down to the floor. Wincing with pain, I get back up. I rush toward the wall again, but this time a panel swings open and knocks me back. I fall down again, and as I sit up I realize that maybe the train is working to keep me alive.
Maybe it needs me.
“Is that it?” I snarl. “You won't even let me kill myself, will you? You're gonna make me stay alive and keep suffering. You need me because a train without a driver won't get very far.”
I slowly get to my feet, and I tell myself that I'm never going to surrender. The train has to slip up eventually, and that's when I'm going to be ready to take my chance. The train has calmed my injuries, and somehow it keeps me alive without any food or water, but eventually I'll be able to kill myself. I just can't handle being on this same set of rails for eternity.
So I scream, and I try again to smash my head against the wall, and when that doesn't work I try again. And again. And again. I do the same thing over and over, each time getting pushed back, each time rising up from the floor and making another attempt. And each time, I tell myself that eventually – even if it takes years and years – I will succeed. I refuse to surrender to this madness. Eventually I'm going to break free of this train one day, no matter how long it takes.
“You can't keep this up forever,” I sneer, as I rush against the wall again. “Sooner or later you have to -”
Chapter Fifty-One
Richard
Five years later...
“Let me go!” I scream, as I fall back yet again and slam against the hard metal floor. This time it takes me a little longer to pick myself up, as the aches and pains try to keep me down. I tell myself that I can't wait a moment longer, than I can't show any sign of weakness, but for a few seconds I simply don't have the strength.
Somewhere deep in the engine, some metallic parts lets out a brief hissing sound. Is that just some kind of natural venting process, or is it the train's way of sighing and letting me know that it's merely amused by my efforts. This isn't the first time that the train has seemed to be laughing at me, and I can't be sure that it'll be the last either. I don't even know why it needs me to be in here, since it manages the loops by itself and there's precious little else for anyone to do. I guess the loops perhaps have an automatic system that guides the train, and for some reason there simply needs to be a living person in here for the engine to keep running.
I've tried figuring out the control panel, but nothing seems to make much sense. One time, I even tried to stop the train when I realized we were approaching a body on the tracks. I was pulled back by an invisible force, however, and I never tried again.
Finally, slowly, I sit up and contemplate my next move. On and off, I've spent the past five years trying to find some way to end the misery. Is this what it was like for Stephen Armitage? He seemed so calm when I met him, but then again he immediately stepped out of the train and sacrificed himself for the woman he loved. I guess maybe the train simply ground him down until he could no longer fight back. I'm starting to understand how that feels.
A moment later the train shudders slightly, and I realize exactly where we are. It's late at night, and when I look over at the window I see a hint of light outside. We're coming to the western loop, which means that the train is once again going to turn around. Sure enough, after a few seconds we start slowing down, but I know there's no point doing anything right now. I'm exhausted, and I need to rest before I try to come up with some other plan.
Closing my eyes, I listen to the distant sound of the voices whispering under the train.
And then, with no warning, there's a loud clunking sound as the brakes are applied, and I sit back up as the train screeches to a halt.
I hesitate for a moment, wondering what's wrong, and then I get to my feet and limp toward the chair. In all the years since I took Stephen Armitage's place, the train hasn't stopped once. Peering out through the window, I see the track ahead, caught in moonlight, and then I spot another section of track branching off into the darkness. For a few seconds I can't work out what's wrong, but then I squint slightly and I realize that the railroad switch has been moved so that our route now takes us off the loop. That's never happened before, and I guess that's maybe why the train has stopped.
It's not sure what's going on either.
Suddenly the switch is moved, and the tracks go back to normal. The train immediately starts moving forward, only to screech once more to a halt as the tracks switch again.
I peer out into the darkness, but there's no sign of anyone.
The train's engine is humming.
A moment later, the switch is moved again, only to move back almost immediately. It's as if something out there is fighting to control the direction we take, while the train itself is only willing to go around the usual loop. With the way the switch is currently set, we're set to veer away from the loop and go out into the darkness.
I wait to see what happens next, and for the first time I sense that the tra
in seems apprehensive. And then, a moment later, a lever next to me slowly slides back, and the train begins to reverse along the track.
“What the...”
My voice trails off, and then I look out the window and spot a figure in the distance, standing next to a set of controls at the side of the track. It's a woman, holding the controls, and I feel a flicker of recognition as I squint and try to get a better view of her. I already feel as if I recognize her, but I tell myself that I'm wrong. Yet as the train picks up speed and continues to reverse, I'm overwhelmed by the realization that I might actually be right, that for the first time in fifteen years I'm actually seeing...
“Milly,” I whisper, before grabbing the lever and pushing it forward to bring the train to a halt. Immediately, the lever springs back into position and we start reversing again, but I grab it and push it back to the neutral position.
The train grinds to a halt.
Looking out the window, I can no longer see any sign of Milly, but that's because we moved too far back. I know I saw her, however, and I can't ignore a sense of hope in my heart. For so long, I assumed that Milly had simply gone away, that she hadn't waited for me, but now I'm starting to realize that maybe she was busy getting to this point. She must have switched the tracks for some reason, and I know better than to doubt her so I grab the lever and push it forward.
The train starts moving, but I can already feel some hidden force trying to push the lever back. I throw my weight against it, determined to make sure that we keep going, and slowly the train grins along the track until we finally start picking up speed. After a couple of minutes, I spot Milly in the distance again and I realize that she's still waiting, so I push myself even harder against the lever and grit my teeth.
“Are you scared?” I sneer as the train tries in vain to push the lever back toward me. “Too bad, asshole!”
The train starts picking up speed as we approach the junction, and now I can see Milly more clearly. It's really her, she's really out there and she's found a way to divert the train. I have no idea where she's trying to divert it to, but I trust her implicitly and I'm also encouraged by the fact that the train seems so scared.
I lean even harder against the lever, to make sure that the train can't stop.
“There's no going back now!” I hiss.
As we rumble past the junction, I look out the window and see Milly standing down by the side of the tracks. There are tears in her eyes as she looks up at me, but in an instant I can tell that they're tears of love. I can't believe that I ever doubted her, but – as we race past – she nods slightly, as if to let me know that everything's going to be alright. And then, before I even have a chance to respond, we go past her and I look ahead at the bare track that stretches out into darkness. I have no idea where we're going, but for the first time in years we've left the main stretch.
I look in the mirror outside the side window, and I see a reflection of Milly receding rapidly behind us.
I hear a bumping sound, and I turn to see that one of the wall panels has come loose. I watch as it falls to the ground, and then a moment later it whips up through the air and slashes against my face. I cry out and pull back, and in that moment I let go of the lever. The train immediately starts to slow, so I throw myself back against the lever and force us to start going forward again.
“Not so easy, huh?” I say, as I realize that the train is trying desperately to stop me. “Sorry, but we're taking charge of your destiny now.”
I can still feel the lever pushing back, but I know I can put enough pressure on to keep us going forward. We're really picking up speed now, hurtling toward whatever destination Milly picked out for us. All these years, she's been planning something, and I have total faith in her. As the clouds clear and moonlight picks out our surroundings, I see that we're rushing through what seems to be a valley with high slopes on either side. At the same time, I swear I can sense a kind of panic filling the air, as if the train doesn't like where we're headed.
At that moment, another panel comes loose, this time right above my head. A sharp metal edge slashes my face over and over, until I pull it away and toss it over my shoulder. Then another panel comes away, and another, and soon there are scores of them flying at me and cutting me. It's as if the train is willing to tear itself apart in order to stop me, and this realization only makes me more certain than ever that I have to keep the lever pushed forward. We're running faster and faster, and now the train seems to be really panicking.
Hearing a crashing sound over my shoulder, I turn just in time to see scores more panels being wrenched from the walls. They all fall to the floor, where they rest for a moment before starting to turn around. A moment later they all rush through the air, racing straight toward me. I turn away just as they arrive, and I feel them all cutting into my skin. I cry out, but already the panels are falling against the floor and turning for another attack. They rush up at me, cutting my legs, and it takes all my strength to keep hold of the lever and make sure that it can't be pulled back.
“Nice try,” I hiss, “but you don't get to change where we're going. Not now, not when -”
Before I can finish, the window shatters, showering me with shards of glass that seem to twist in mid-air and slice into my face and chest. I scream, and I swear some of the shards are actually digging into me now, but most of the glass falls away and once they're finished I'm still pushing against the lever. Icy wind is blowing through the broken window now, as if this too is trying to force me back, and a moment later I feel something cutting against my remaining hand. Looking down, I see that a solitary glass shard is running back and forth against my wrist, as if guided by some unseen power.
I knock the shard away, but I already know that the train's going to try something else.
And that's when I see where we're headed.
The track curves up ahead and starts veering to the right, and I can already see that we're racing toward a bridge. Or rather, to what's left of a bridge, since it runs out a few hundred meters into the night air before coming to a halt. I guess the damn thing was never finished, and in that moment I finally understand why Milly sent us this way. She knows that there's only one way to defeat the train forever, and to free me – and all the trapped souls – from the curse. For a few seconds I'm terrified by the prospect of death, but then I realize that it might just be the only way I can ever be with Milly again.
“I love you,” I whisper.
Hearing lots of scratching sounds over my shoulder, I turn to see all the metal panels and glass shards gathering nearby on the floor. I brace myself for the moment when they come at me again, but then I watch in astonishment as they start rising up into the air. A few more seconds pass before I realize exactly what they're doing, but finally I see that they're starting to form a familiar shape. Sure enough, all those twisted pieces of sharp metal and glass are assembling themselves to form a human figure, and finally the figure rushes at me and tries to pull me away from the lever. At that moment, the train rushes out onto the bridge, racing toward the spot where the track ends.
“No!” I shout, even as I feel hundreds of sharp edges cutting into my hand and face.
I'm starting to get pulled back from the lever, and a screeching sound indicates that the train's brakes are starting to be applied. The lever is already halfway from its fullest position, and the train is slowing. We're still a few hundred meters from the bridge, and a moment later we smash through a wooden barrier that's blocking the track. If the train doesn't go across the unfinished bridge, it'll end up going back to the loop and then this whole curse will start again. This might be my only chance to ever end the misery.
“You should have let me die when you had the chance!” I gasp, as I try to push the lever forward again. “Now I'm gonna make sure I take you with me!”
Thousands of sharp pieces of metal and glass are clawing at me now, still roughly assembled in a human shape. A moment later I feel a set of jaws clamping hard on the side of
my neck, threatening to burst through the flesh and squeeze my throat, but still I keep the lever pushed forward. Slowly, however, I feel blood starting to run from my wounded shoulder, and I realize that the train is no longer keeping me alive. All the wounds I suffered fifteen years ago are coming back to me at once, and I'm powerless to resist as I start slowly falling back from the lever.
“No, please!” I gasp. “Please...”
The train is starting to slow, no matter how hard I try to summon the strength to keep us moving forward. Finally, as more and more blood runs from my body, I slump back and land in the chair with a heavy, failed sigh. I'm powerless to fight back as the train grinds to a halt just ten or twenty meters from the spot where the bridge stops. If I'd just managed to hold on for a few more seconds, we'd be crashing over the edge by now and falling into oblivion.
I try to lean toward the lever again, but I don't have the strength.
I failed.
Next to me, the collection of broken metal and glass remains standing, holding the lever. I watch powerlessly as this macabre figure, a kind of representation of all the evil in the train, pulls the lever back, and to my horror the train starts slowly rolling backward along the line.
“I'm sorry, Milly,” I whisper, as I feel the life draining from my body. “I tried, I really tried...”
My eyes begin to slip shut. I can feel wind blowing through the broken window and hitting my face, and at least I'll have that as I die. When Stephen Armitage told me how much he wanted to feel fresh air again, I didn't really understand what he meant, but now I do. This simple pleasure, however, does nothing to help me forget the simple fact that I had a chance to destroy the train and I failed.
