Xander considered this. "You really take your work seriously."
"I don't have much choice right now," I said, "Eighteen is still in its early years. If I don't make my clients happy, I could lose them easily. And if I lose them, I could lose my entire business, everything I've worked so hard for. No way am I letting that happen."
Xander squeezed my hand. "That won't happen."
"I really hope not," was all I said, then, "Anyway, what did you have to tell me?"
24
Xander
Guess this was it. Like her news, mine wasn't exactly a big deal, although it was kind of amusing seeing how nervous she was.
"There’s no real family thing I wanted you over for." I said, "I mean, I was planning on doing the call if we had a chance, but now…"
"We still can. I've got a whole …" she checked her phone’s lock screen. "Twenty-five minutes left."
"It's fine.”
"Are you sure," she persisted, "Really, I wouldn't mind.”
"I said I'm sure."
The last bit I said more forcefully than I'd intended. Now Naomi was quiet.
It was odd, as we continued walking along. On my walks with Walter, with the path pleasantly empty, and the indifferent moon shining down, I used to think that nothing could beat those.
And now…
My fingers enlaced through Naomi’s. She smiled a little. Didn’t have to say it. That, since she had only twenty-five minutes left, best thing would be to make the most of them.
--
After Naomi left, Walter and I lazed around on the couch while I caught up on some mail I should’ve gone through weeks ago. Someone called but I didn't check.
Only the next day, at work, did I see Papa's text. It was about the dinner that night that I'd forgotten all about and hadn't even invited Naomi to.
But after only a few seconds, it occurred to me. I didn't want to invite Naomi. I was tired of pretending with her and how it made everything more messed up between us when were alone.
The best thing would be for me to just get out of the dinner entirely and do something with Naomi instead, but I knew better than trying to get out of two family excursions in a row.
I would just have to bite the bullet and go to the dinner solo. Although that didn’t mean that I couldn’t make plans with Naomi before that.
I called her up.
“After work,” I said. “I want to see you.”
This did not provoke the reaction I expected. “I would, just … I have plans.”
“With me?” I teased.
“No.” Now she just sounded annoyed. “We could tomorrow though.”
“Because tonight you have plans,” I repeated, not liking it any better even when I said it.
There was something about the tone of her voice that I didn’t like. She was bothered and hiding something. Alarm bells were going off in my head.
“I have to go, Xander, okay? I have a client.”
“Okay, just…”
“Bye,” she cut me off, hanging up.
I stared at the phone in my hand. What the hell was going on?
Going over to her work would be over the top, although I was seriously tempted. Instead, though, I sat my ass down and got to work. That night, I’d be seeing my family at least. I hadn’t planned on inviting Naomi – she’d been to enough lately. But at least, for tonight, it would be a distraction. A distraction I suddenly desperately needed to keep me from doing something really stupid.
What was Naomi keeping from me?
25
Naomi
Was it bad feeling this excited?
I rotated my phone slightly left and right, smiling at the message there: we still good for tonight? It was Xander, of course. Which was a pleasant surprise, since yesterday’s conversation hadn’t exactly gone well. I’d been abrupt and dismissive, which wasn’t typically like me. But I’d been distracted.
Inside the closet-sized area I’d designated as my break room, complete with a straight-backed chair, mini fridge, and my dream board, I chomped on a baby carrot. I could hear the chatter of my eagerly waiting yet understanding clients from outside.
Now wasn’t exactly the time to go soul-searching, but I couldn’t help it after the meeting I’d had last night.
Would Xander understand? All I could do was hope so.
At the trill of my timer, I got up and walked back into the salon where I would lose myself in the next few hours. No matter what happened, at least I would still have my work after this was all over.
The only question was what place would Xander take in my life when our charade was up? And what place did I want him to have?
Later that day, just as I was stepping out of Eighteen, Xander called me up.
“Hey, I’ve been staring at my phone all day waiting for you to answer my text,” he said, sounding uncharacteristically insecure.
“Sorry,” I said. “I was in a rush earlier, and super busy with clients all day.”
“You weren’t sure if you want to see me?”
“No - I don’t know….”
“Pity.” All the affection had gone out of Xander’s voice. “Because I have two tickets to a roller derby match and the only girl I want to invite I’m talking to on the phone.”
I bit my lip. A roller derby? I’ve never been to one before and honestly, it sounded pretty cool.
“You thinking about saying yes or saying no?”
“I’m thinking of saying maybe?” I said, joking.
“Hilarious,” Xander deadpanned. “Although you should know that there’s a surprise after.”
“A good surprise or bad surprise?” I said.
“You’ll have to go to find out,” he said.
“Fine, I agreed, my curiosity piqued. “I’ll go.”
“Excellent,” he said, “I’ll pick you up in two hours.”
And that was that. I slipped my phone into my purse with something of a smile. It looked like I was off to a roller derby that night.
As it turned out, the roller derby was even better than I expected, all fast racing and shoving and cheering. Maybe it was also the fact that the guy beside me was pretty great, even if he could be indecisive and frustrating.
“Xander,” I finally said, pushing the flat of my hand against his popcorn bearing one. “I told you. I’m full.”
“Suit yourself,” he tossed a popcorn handful in his mouth, then wrapped his arm around me.
“You seem right at home here,” I commented.
“This is my first time too,” he said. “I’ve always been meaning to go, even considered it as a date-night option with some girls, but I had always kind of wanted to save it for….”
“For?” I asked, turning his way.
Xander was busy digging through the popcorn now. Finally, getting the handful he wanted, he regarded me with a frown. “Why ask questions you already know the answer to?”
Now it was my turn to frown, turning away. That was just the thing, I didn’t know the answer, not really. While Xander had as much as said that he’d save this date for when he was with someone he really cared about, he hadn’t and out and said it.
That was the thing about all of this. Sure he’d said that he cared about me. But what the hell did that mean in the bigger picture? As far as the first talk of the future was concerned, we’d barely brushed against it – I didn’t even really know where I stood, for that matter. He’d told me he wanted to be with me, but it was during the throws of passion. Could I really trust that? Or was in just an orgasm-induced falsehood?
The rest of the roller derby date was more quips and popcorn eating. The main event came after, as I soon found out.
I was surprised to find the sky darkening by the time we got out.
“You wouldn’t think we have daylight savings time with how soon it gets dark,” I said.
Xander’s hand closed over mine. “I don’t mind.”
Now that he mentioned it, the color of the sky was nice. It was ev
ening, so the sky was still in a kind of nighttime ombre effect, ranging from a light to dark blue, not unlike Xander’s eyes.
In the car, Xander wouldn’t divulge where we were going, although I could see by the highway, it wasn’t anywhere downtown.
“Don’t I get a say in any of this?” I asked, half joking.
“No,” Xander said, not missing a beat.
When I began to pout, he said, “Look who’s talking. You still won’t tell me what you did last night.”
I squirmed a little in my seat. “I know, but…”
He held up a hand, silencing me. “Listen, it’s your right not to tell me things when you feel like it,” Xander gave a jagged up-down nod as he passed a car on the road. “Got it. Just like how it’s my right not to tell you where we’re going.”
Only ten minutes later I found out anyway. When we pulled up to the park, I couldn’t help but allow an impressed sound to escape from me. Xander smiled knowingly. “Not so bad, huh?”
Xander led me to a ring of spruces, then sat us down, getting out a blanket and some wine from a messenger bag I hadn’t even noticed he was carrying.
“Okay, so I’m totally impressed,” I admitted as he sat us down.
“Impressed enough to tell me your big dark secret?” Xander teased.
“No,” I said simply.
But Xander didn’t pout. Instead, he uncorked the wine bottle lifted it high, as if saluting the stars, he said, “Here’s to us.”
We both drank deeply to that, and laid on our backs, curling together. Overhead, the stars were super clear, almost looking as though they were peering down at us the same way we were peering up at them. All around us, the ring of spruces and pines rifled in the wind, and a cool wind wisp managed to reach us.
Xander was looking at me so intently, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead he looked up, pointing, “You know all those stars? You probably know about constellations, but they’re actually related to Greek mythology too.”
I was about to make some quip about how absolutely fascinating that all was, then I saw the look on Xander’s face. It was one of childlike wonder, genuine appreciation. He was telling me something, showing me something about himself, so now wasn’t the time for me to go to into sarcastic mode.
“You see that one?” His finger traced a square and some lines of stars. “That’s Pegasus, the winged horse from Mount Olympus.”
And so it went, the night unraveled around us while I rested my head on Xander’s chest and he pointed out constellation after constellation, told me myth after myth. And when the silence claimed us this time, it wasn’t an uncomfortable one.
It was just not talking. And because he did not ask, and I could tell he wanted to, I told him.
“Yesterday, I went to see a lawyer about an annulment.”
The silence shifted, it was different now, like a ticking bomb.
“We can still pretend for your family,” I said quickly. “We’d just get the annulment after.”
Another ticking silence, “Are you that eager to get away from me?” he finally asked.
His anger was contagious.
“No, that’s not it at all. I just … This is screwing with my head. I wanted to know what the process was like, what to expect.” I balled some of the blanket in my hand. “And, to feel like I have a bit of control over the situation.”
“You feel like you have no control? How do you think I feel? Having to lie to my parents and not knowing where this going? Having to tell them off last night for you?”
I twisted to face him. In the moonlight, his features, as angry as they were, look like a noble Greek gods he’d been talking about.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Yesterday, I wanted to see you before I saw my family,” Xander said. “I didn’t want you there, at that function. I’m tired of pretending too. Alliana was there and my family were there, trying to pressure me into all kinds bullshit. So, I left.”
His words swirled around me, filling me up.
“I didn’t know that,” I said.
“You don’t know a lot of things,” he said.
“Maybe,” I said, “But I’m sorry.”
When I leaned down to press my lips to his, he turned his cheek. I kissed it, saying into it, “I’m sorry.”
He twisted away. He sat there just breathing for a moment and then, twisting around, his lips landed on mine.
26
Xander
The half-hearted kiss of hers told me what was going on.
“You’re still unsure about us,” I realized, pulling back at the same time my hand plunged up her skirt.
Naomi only moaned as my two fingers connected with her panty-clad pussy, looking around nervously. “But we’re in the middle of a park.”
She kissed me back and, in her ear, I hissed, “We’re the only ones here.”
She was crazy wet, and the hungry way she was kissing me back told me she still wanted me.
Although it still wasn’t enough.
“Admit it,” I hissed, pulling away. “Admit you’re still unsure.”
Naomi bit my lip, but said nothing. My finger dipped under her panties and in, slicking into the wetness.
A groan curled out of her as her body eased back onto the blanket.
“Admit it,” I said again, my gaze boring into her, my finger slicing in further. As I finger-fucked her, her limbs shook, until she finally broke free.
“You admit it,” she hissed, undoing my pants.
As our gazes glared into each other’s, she pulled down my briefs too.
“I already told you what I want,” I reminded her as I slid into her fully. “I want this.”
Neither of us were taking our time either. I was pumping her fast and hard, both our bodies already shaking with its roughness. We slapped together, me on top of her, her pelvis arching up to meet mine. It felt fantastic.
And Naomi’s face, a bit harried, looked how mine must’ve right now. Because, no holds barred, I wanted this. Her, us, to finish this.
Naomi came once, then again, her body breaking out into spasms.
Only then did she shove me so I was the one on my back now. Then, clambering on, next thing I knew she was riding me cowgirl still, grinding her hips into me.
Fucking yes. Naomi’s face was pure pleasured joy as she rode me like a rockstar. Fast and hard, until, when her body broke out into helpless shakes once more, it wasn’t the only one. We came together and only once I had her wrapped in my arms after, our naked bodies cool in the night, did she say. “Of course I’m not sure about us. We got married over a drunken game of truth or dare and stayed married as a lie.”
I pressed her to me tighter, saying nothing. Because I couldn’t tell her the truth, it was too scary. Terrifying really. Because not only was I sure about us, but I was one hundred percent in love with my wife.
27
Naomi
Say it, a voice inside me urged as Xander drove me home. Say it.
But my head was a blur and Xander wasn’t saying any anything either. He drove down the long winding roads, past the slow cars that almost seemed like sleepwalkers in comparison. He stopped at red lights, zoomed through green lights, and careened past yellow lights. He drove me past a landscape of quiet somnolence, the very houses themselves looking asleep.
Say it, the voice in my head urged me. Shut up, I urged it back.
The situation was screwed up in every way, and frankly, what was “it” even talking about? My own feelings, my own hopes, my own fears, were so woven together that untying one seemed like it would unravel everything with disastrous consequences.
Anyway, we’d finally reached the front of my building.
We sat there for what seemed like a few minutes, as pointless as waiting was. Guess I didn’t want to go, to have the silence be final. But finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, when I went to open my door, Xander said, “What happens now?”
“I don’t know,” I s
aid. “This whole time, I’ve been waiting to find out. I don’t want you to do what I want - I want you to do what you want.”
There, I’d set it. Now it was all for him to say what I hoped - or feared, most.
“And I want to do what’s best for you,” Xander said.
His lips were at me again, but I couldn’t take it this time. I pulled away, turning my head so he couldn’t see my tears. It shouldn’t matter, but I didn’t want him guilted into anything.
In the space that followed, he still wasn’t answering my question, and he wasn’t asking any of his either.
But when I opened the car door, he said, “What if you stayed over at my place tonight? Walter loves you.”
Yes, Walter. The little raggedy ball of fur who was on any one of his friends with a flurry of licks and excited barks; who barked at any intruders he felt didn’t belong. Yes, Walter knew what he wanted.
“Naomi?” He said.
“I can’t.”
My hand tightened on the door handle.
“Why not?” He said.
“You know why not. What would your family think if we actually made a real go of this?”
He only frowned, and I continued, “This can’t work. We can’t work. How will your family ever forgive us when they find out what happened? How will they forgive me? You’re their son, but I’m just a stranger who came in and agreed to this big fat horrible lie, and they didn’t even really approve of me in the first place.”
“I told you…”
“They love me,” I said, “Yeah, you told me. But not enough to stop them from trying to set you up with someone who’d probably be a better match.”
“Then screw them. They’re the whole problem in the first place.”
“And that’s just it.” Now I was facing him, tear-stained face be damned. “They’re not what started this whole thing.” Now it was bubbling to the surface, the horrible question I’d been holding in me for some time now. “Tell me, Xander, did you go into that bar looking for some sad girl to marry? Was all this premeditated, and I was just the girl who happened to be the one sitting beside you? Would you even have talked to me at all if you hadn’t planned to do this … this fake marriage?”
Pretend You’re Mine Page 13
