by Lois Richer
“Thanks.” He forced a smile. “I guess my stupidity hasn’t been all bad.”
“What’s that mean?”
“I think I’m supposed to stay at the Double M. Maybe God will use me here.” He kept his head averted, not wanting her to feel sorry for him. “I realize that with Adele angry at me, the riding program with The Haven might not work out anymore. But perhaps somewhere else—”
“Adele and your issues have nothing to do with our business arrangement,” Victoria interrupted firmly. “This program you’re running is reaching kids, helping them. That’s the whole focus of The Haven’s ministry. I’m not prepared to sacrifice something God is blessing so that you and Adele can avoid each other.” She hugged him, then smiled. “The kids are coming. Time for me to drive them back. Don’t be a stranger at The Haven, Mac. The aunts would miss you. So would I.”
Mac nodded, touched by her words, though he had no intention of visiting The Haven any more than necessary. It was too painful to watch Adele deliberately ignore him.
“If You want me here, God,” he prayed silently as he walked back to help Gabe with the horses, “then please give me some reassurance. I’m going to need that to get through Christmas.”
Without seeing Adele, the day dragged, even though he needed to prepare for the daylong ski trip tomorrow. Mac reviewed every detail of that trip repeatedly. He packed and unpacked his knapsack four times, checked the weather report and spent more moments than necessary with his miniature horses.
But no matter what he did, he couldn’t get his mind off Delly. How many evenings like this had they saddled up and ridden to their special rock, just to share the beauty of the valley? How many times had she tipped her head back, closed her eyes and let the snowflakes tumble onto her face before laughing with delight? Years of memories cascaded through his brain. He’d never imagined he’d come to love Adele so much when she’d first moved next door.
His phone chimed with a text. It was from Tillie and Margaret.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
His purpose. Meaning God didn’t want him to be with Adele? That He had other plans? Like what—loneliness? A sense of loss threatened as the phone chimed again. Mac had to smile at the familiar words.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
“Good advice, ladies,” he murmured as he patted Esther’s flanks then exited the paddock. He paused to sort through the words the aunts repeated so often.
“Okay, God. I came here to figure out Your will for me,” he said as he held his face up and let the soft fluffy flakes kiss his cheeks. “I fell in love with Adele. I disappointed her. But I don’t want to disappoint You. I’m here. I’m trusting You. Please direct my path. I will go where You lead me.”
The words seemed to break the despair that had gripped him. Mac inhaled the fresh crisp air, allowing the oxygen to permeate his entire being. He’d done what he could, apologized to Adele, tried to repair the damage his mistakes had caused. He didn’t know what else to do. Now he had to get on with his regular life and wait until God showed him otherwise.
Mac grimaced at the thought. He’d prefer a list of directions. But where was the trust in that?
Trust in the Lord. He would.
But he hoped and prayed God wouldn’t lead him away from Adele, the friend he loved with his whole heart.
Chapter Fourteen
Two days before Christmas.
Adele forced herself to focus on serving breakfast to the excited youth who’d arrived the night before for today’s ski excursion with Mac. Gina had driven six of them from the youth center in Edmonton, insisting she had to see The Haven, Adele’s home.
Adele was glad her sister was here. Maybe if Gina kept her busy she wouldn’t have to think about Mac and what he’d done.
Yeah, because you not thinking about him is possible, her brain mocked.
Mac was constantly in her thoughts. All night long she’d wondered, was he strong enough to take on this trek? Would his injuries act up? Did he miss her as much as she missed him?
“Delly, you’re not listening,” Francie complained.
That’s because Mac walked in. Why can’t I stop staring at him? Why does it feel like my heart’s being torn apart when he stares at me with those sad eyes?
“What do you need, honey?” She bent down to the child’s level to force her attention from the man who, despite everything, still held her heart.
“Me ’n’ Franklyn want to go skiing with Mac, too.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. Not this time.” Adele ignored their angry faces and refilled the bacon platter.
“You don’t let us do nothin’ with Mac no more,” Franklyn muttered. “We were ’sposed to ride his minis. An’ we wanted to see his Christmas tree.”
“An’ visit the puppies,” Francie added in an accusatory tone.
“Another time maybe.” She was still too raw from Mac’s betrayal to take them to the Double M. And yet, here he was, standing in front of her, blocking her way from the kitchen to the dining room.
“Can I speak to you, Adele?” he asked after greeting the twins with a hug.
She sidestepped him to place a full platter on the dining room table, then returned.
“Children, go wash your hands. We have the Christmas concert practice at church this morning.” As they scurried away, Adele lined up the packed lunches she’d prepared for the skiers. “I’m afraid I’m busy right now, Mac.”
“You’re always busy,” he murmured very softly. “I wanted to apologize. Again.”
She didn’t want to look at him, but something made her. His lovely eyes were shadowed as they met hers.
“I made a mistake, Delly. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“But you did. You deliberately didn’t tell me...”
“I was wrong. And I’m sorry.” Mac shook his head. “I love you, Adele. How many times must I apologize before you’ll forgive me?”
“That’s the thing.” She gulped, then blurted, “I don’t think I can forgive and forget, Mac.”
“Because I’m not perfect?” His face tightened. “Because I don’t fit into your flawless world?”
Adele so did not want to have this conversation now, with people milling in and out of the kitchen.
“I’m sorry I messed up. It isn’t the first time and it probably won’t be the last.” Mac’s self-mocking smile made her heart ache. “I mess up a lot, Delly. That’s who I am.” He exhaled. “Maybe you’re right not to forgive me. You said you love me, and I love you. But I doubt it would work between us.”
That shocked her. “Why?”
“Because you want—you’ve always wanted perfection. I just want to love you, to share the good times and the bad.” His face revealed none of the fun and sparkle she was used to. “I’m maimed, imperfect and I make mistakes, a lot. Love is all I have to offer.” Mac paused, slowly scanned her face as if trying to preserve every feature. “I’m sorry that’s not enough, Delly.”
Then Mac turned and walked out the door.
Tears began a steady course down Adele’s cheeks and there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop them. The rising sun outside enhanced twinkling diamond sparkles atop the freshly fallen snow.
But in her heart, everything seemed dark.
Empty.
Alone.
* * *
Four hours into the ski trip, Mac called for a lunch break.
“The wind’s accelerated.” Mac leaned toward Gabe, anxious that the kids not overhear his concerns.
“And the sun’s gone.” Gabe inclined his head. “Those clouds are dumping snow to the west of us. Won’t be long before we get it. What’s y
our suggestion?”
“Let them finish lunch and then get out of this valley. I don’t like the looks of that snowpack on the north face,” Mac said, grimly checking it out.
“I agree.” Gabe’s lips compressed. “If those clouds dump wet snow on it—” He didn’t finish, simply shook his head. “There was nothing about a storm in the weather report this morning. Maybe we’re doomsayers. Want me to take the lead?”
“Yes. You can go faster. The kids can keep up. I’m the one slowing us down.” Mac sank onto a snowy boulder and rubbed his knee. “If worst comes to worst, leave me, Gabe. Get them to safety. They’re what matters.”
“Not leaving anyone, buddy,” Gabe informed him gruffly. “Relax that leg and eat your lunch. I’m going to check out the kids.”
“Thanks.” Mac poured himself some hot chocolate from the thermos he’d prepared earlier and popped a pain reliever into his mouth.
“Might say a prayer or two while you’re resting,” Gabe suggested when a huge gust of wind whipped off the sides of the valley. “This could get ugly.” He walked toward the kids.
Mac prayed for God’s help and direction to get the kids back to The Haven through what he feared would be a nasty squall. He also prayed for Adele, that she’d find comfort, that she was safe, that God would give her and her sister a good reunion.
He closed his eyes, pictured her, blond head thrown back as she laughed at the twins’ jokes. He saw her eyes misty with wonder the first time he’d kissed her, remembered her joy when the judge had awarded her six months’ custody. His heart ached as the sweet memories flashed through his brain.
I don’t think I can simply forgive and forget.
She couldn’t. Some inner part of him had been fully aware that by not telling her of his discovery of a possible lead to Gina, he was violating her rule of utter honesty. He understood that the way Delly made sense of her life was by following unspoken guidelines that kept her self-sufficient and, she hoped, immune from hurt.
He’d wished that in returning to The Haven, taking the first step toward adoption and allowing their relationship to grow beyond friendship, she’d begun to loosen her grip on control.
He’d been so wrong.
Lord, I need Your leading now more than ever. Without Delly in my life—
“Everybody up. Now! Let’s go,” Gabe called, urgency filling his voice.
Wrested from his musings, Mac blinked at the snowstorm that now obliterated the looming hills on either side of their valley. Knowledge kicked in.
“Wait!” He rummaged in his pack, pulled out a bright orange rope. “We walk in a line. Everybody hangs onto this rope. Do not let go of it.” He moved quickly, urging the six youth to comply. “If we’re moving too fast, yell. But do not let go.”
“What’s wrong?” one of the kids asked.
“It’s time we got out of this valley,” Mac told him before shooting Gabe a terse look. “Everyone have their whistle?” He checked, noted that each skier pulled out the whistle on a bungee cord that he’d attached to their inner jackets before they’d left The Haven. “You get in trouble, you blow it. You need help, you blow it. Got it?”
Faces serious now, they each nodded.
“Our goal is to get out of this valley as quickly as we can. We’re going to push, so do your best to keep going, but don’t take chances. We don’t want anyone falling or otherwise getting hurt. Safely but rapidly, that’s our motto. Are you good to go?”
They bellowed their agreement, obviously seeing this as yet another challenge. But Mac felt misgiving crawl up his spine when he saw zero reception on his phone. He carried a satellite phone, but it wasn’t receiving now, either.
“Gabe, you lead,” he shouted as the wind howled down the cliffs.
Mac wasn’t sure how long they’d been at it when he heard the first soft gentle moan and then the growing rumble.
“Avalanche,” he screamed. “Hold the rope and move right, to the cliff face.”
Time seemed to move both fast and slow. He backed against the wall and wrapped both hands around the rope, pulling as hard as he could so that the skiers were drawn toward him. But then the rush of snow slammed into them and he felt himself sliding away from the rock and into the maelstrom of the avalanche.
“God, help us,” he begged.
And then the snow buried him.
* * *
“How long will a rescue take?” Aunt Tillie’s worried face revealed her distress. “Why can’t we reach them by the satellite phone?”
“The storm is blocking reception. But Mac knows these mountains and valleys like the back of his hand,” the search and rescue captain assured her. “Before his group left, he attached a GPS beacon to each skier and sent us the tracking information. We know exactly where they are, Miss Tillie.”
“Then why—”
“We can’t fly until the storm blows over, Miss Margaret,” the man explained gently. “But what we can do is pray.”
“Of course. And that’s what we’ll do. Excuse us.” Tillie took Margaret’s hand and the two left the room, their steps heavy as they mounted the stairs.
“Is Mac mad on you, Delly?” Francie demanded, her face scrunched up. “Is that why he don’t come back? You shoulda said you’re sorry.”
“Yeah,” Franklyn added. “Like we learned at Sunny school. God forgives us so we’re s’posed to forgive, too. Only I dunno what you done wrong.” He looked at Francie. “D’you?”
“Nope, but it musta been bad.” The little girl peered out the window. “It’s nighttime. Is Mac gonna sleep in the snow?”
“No.” Adele gulped back the tears that had threatened since they’d learned that Mac and his group had been caught in an avalanche. “Mac’s coming home. He’ll be here soon.”
She hoped.
“Come on, you two. I’m going to tell Grace a story and you can listen, too. It’s all about love and forgiveness, the reasons we have Christmas.” Victoria patted Adele’s shoulder, offering comfort. “Don’t give up on him,” she ordered fiercely. “Mac’s the kind of man you don’t let go.” Then she led the twins to the family room.
“Adele?” Her sister studied her with a frown. “What’s wrong?”
“I messed up, Gina.” Adele threw herself into her sister’s arms and wept. “I let Mac go believing I’d never forgive him. But I love him.” She burst into fresh tears as she explained what had happened and how cold she’d acted toward Mac.
“But if you love him—” Obviously confused, Gina motioned her to sit. Then she poured them both a cup of coffee.
While she did, Adele thought about all the years she and Mac had shared, growing up together, leaning on each other. She recalled the day he’d appeared at the Haven’s back door, minus his hand. She’d been so happy to see him. Had she started falling in love with him then? Or had that been happening from the first day she’d arrived here so long ago, the day he’d first introduced himself?
“Pride,” she whispered. “It all revolves around my pride.”
“Go on,” Gina encouraged.
“You know how bad it was with Mom and Dad?” Adele waited for her nod. “When that social worker took us away I was devastated that they let us go without a question, that they never contacted us, that they didn’t even care.”
“Let it all go, Adele. You’ve kept this inside for too long.”
“When nobody would tell me about you, when Mom and Dad didn’t come for me, something inside me decided I was never going to let anyone hurt me again.” She glanced at her sister. “I became one of the worst foster kids in the system. Self-reliance was my means of survival.”
“If you didn’t depend on them they couldn’t disappoint you.” Gina nodded. “That’s why I took to the streets.”
“My mantra was ‘I don’t need anyone.’ Even when I came to The Haven,” she admitted, ashamed
, “I clung to control and self-reliance. I’d learned to play a part by then, pretending to be the daughter the aunties wanted.” Tears rolled as the truth poured out. “The only one who always saw through my need for control was Mac.”
“He let you be who you needed to be,” Gina murmured. “Quite a friend.”
“Yes.” Adele sniffed. “Do you know he told me ages ago that I spent more time trying to not be rejected than I did building relationships? He was right.”
“Because?” Her sister waited, one eyebrow raised.
“Because if I trust, if I let go of the controls, if I don’t make sure every single thing in my life is perfect—” Self-knowledge seeped in like a light growing steadily brighter as it illuminated her inner cave. “If everything’s not perfect I’ll get rejected just like Mom and Dad rejected us. And that means I won’t get what I want.” She lifted her head to gaze at Gina. “I’m afraid Mac won’t love me enough.”
“Enough for what?” Gina pressed.
“Enough to forgive me, enough to understand me, enough to love me no matter what.” She laughed mirthlessly. “Isn’t it ridiculous? I, the most imperfect person there is, the girl who was rejected by her own parents, am trying to guarantee perfection because I’ve convinced myself nobody can do what needs to be done as well as me.”
“Oh, Adele.” Gina covered her hand, her voice so gentle. “Trusting no one but yourself means you have to do it all. That’s the opposite of trusting God.”
“Pride.” She nodded. “I let my pride cheat me of Mac’s love because I will only accept perfection. As if I’m perfect. I’ve been so stupid,” she cried as fresh tears fell.
“You’re only stupid if you don’t learn from your mistake.” Gina handed her a tissue. “The answer is to ask for forgiveness and start trusting God, with everything. That’s something I had to learn, am still learning.”
Adele thought about it, vaguely aware that the search and rescue people and others who’d shown up to offer help were milling around. They didn’t matter. The real truth mattered now.
“Honey, you want Mac to fit your pattern, but God made Mac as individually as He did you, with unique foibles and a fantastic personality. If you love him—” Gina grinned when Adele nodded forcefully “—then you must accept that Mac makes mistakes, which, I suggest, you do also, my dear sister.” She added with another smile, “If God can forgive you, how dare you not forgive Mac?”
