He laughed all the way home, and when he arrived there he tried to tellthe joke to his wife, saying that he had been down in the court-house,and they were trying a case, and there was a witness wanted who didn'tturn up, and her name was Mary Mony, and so the judge said, "We'lladjourn without Mary Mony--" Ha, ha, ha!
And then his wife said she didn't see anything funny in that, and hesaid, "I know it, I know it. I didn't at first either. But you will inabout five minutes."
* * * * *
"Say, Jenks, old boy," said one man to another on the street, "here's agood one: What's the difference between me and a donkey?"
"Well--what is the difference?"
"Measuring by my eye, I should say it was about three feet."
Jenks, thinking that too good to be lost, carried it home to his wife."Say, Maria," said he, "what's the difference between me and a donkey?"And the cruel woman with a merry laugh answered, "Not a particle ofdifference!"
A PROMISING BUSINESS BOY
That was certainly a very enterprising Chicago lad who was found sellingtickets to the children in his neighborhood, at a nickel apiece, thetickets entitling the holder to view the eclipse from his mother's backyard.
HE DIDN'T GET IT IN THE NECK
Among the visitors at a Dog Show at Atlantic City, N. J., was a verytall man who complained to an exhibitor that his dog, a very diminutivespecimen, had bitten him on the ankle. The exhibitor looked the manover, and then said with a charming down-East drawl:
"Well, stranger, I reckon you are about six feet tall. This here dog o'mine ain't more'n six inches high. He bit you on the ankle, did he?Well, I'm sorry, but you couldn't naturally expect so small a dog tobite you on the neck."
A HARD WITNESS
"Do you know the prisoner well?" asked the attorney.
"Never knew him sick," replied the witness.
"Come--no levity," said the lawyer sternly. "Now, sir, did you ever seethe prisoner at the bar?"
"Took many a drink with him at the bar."
"Answer my question," yelled the lawyer. "How long have you known theprisoner?"
"From two feet up to five feet ten inches."
"Will the Court please make the----"
"I have, Jedge," said the witness, anticipating the lawyer. "I haveanswered his question. I knowed the prisoner when he was a boy two feetlong and a man five feet ten."
"Your Honor----"
"It's a fact, Jedge, and I'm under oath," persisted the witness. Thelawyer arose, placed both hands on the table in front of him, spread hislegs apart, leaned his body over the table and said:
"Will you tell the Court what you know about this case?"
"That ain't his name," answered the witness.
"What ain't his name?"
"Why, Case."
"Who said it was?"
"You did, just now. You wanted to know what I knew about this Case. Hisname is Smith."
"Your Honor," howled the lawyer, pulling his beard, "will you make thewitness answer my questions?"
"Witness," said the judge, "you must answer the questions put to you."
"Land o' Goshen! Hain't I been doin' it, Jedge? Let the blame cuss fireaway, I'm ready."
"Then," said the lawyer, "don't beat about the bush any more. You andthe prisoner have been friends?"
"Never."
"What! wasn't you summoned here as a friend?"
"No, sir. I was summoned here as a Presbyterian. Nary one of us ever wasfriends. He's a old-line Baptist without a drop o' Quaker blood inhim."
"Stand down," yelled the lawyer in disgust.
"Hey?"
"Stand down!"
"Can't do it. I kin set down, ef ye want me to, or I kin stand up, but Ican't stand down."
"Sheriff--remove this man from the box."
Witness retires muttering: "Well, if he ain't the thick-headedest cuss Iever laid eyes on."
IMPOSSIBLE--BUT FUNNY
The Board of Councilmen in a Mississippi town voted the followingresolutions at one of their meetings:
"First--Resolved by this council, that we build a new jail.
"Second--Resolved that the new jail be built out of the materials of theold jail.
"Third--Resolved that the old jail be used till the new jail isfinished."
This is something like the account an Irish sailor once gave of theexecution of a negro on the west coast of Africa. He told how thenegro's hands were tied behind his back, and how the executioner cut theman's head off at one clip, and how the headless man stooped down,seized his bloody head and set it up on his neck where it was before!When some bystander remarked that such a thing was impossible, for "Howcould the man pick up his head from the ground when his hands were tiedbehind his back?" "Begorry," was the answer, "he done it wid his teeth!"
RURAL JUSTICE
It occurred years ago in the mountain regions in Eastern Tennessee. Someof the natives had been gambling in a tobacco barn, and one of theneighbors, in the interest of good morals, had them up "afore thejustice" for it. The squire had a lank specimen of humanity before himand was examining him.
"Now, Zeke, you tell us what you know about this here gamblin'."
"Wot gamblin'?"
"Why, this here gamblin' at Jamison's barn."
"At Jamison's barn?"
"Yes, at Jamison's barn. You was there. Now, what do you know about thisgamblin'?"
"Gamblin' at Jamison's barn? Who said there was any gamblin'?"
"Was you at Jamison's?"
"Was I?"
"Yes. Was you there?"
"Where?"
"At Jamison's barn."
"Ye--s. I wuz thar off an' on ever sence it wuz built."
"Was you there last week?"
"Wot--in the barn?"
"I don't know. Was they a-gamblin' there?"
"Wuz who a-gamblin'?"
"That's what I want to know. Was anybody a-gamblin'?"
"A-gamblin'--where?"
"At Jamison's barn. Did you see them gamblin'?"
"Did I see them gamblin', d'ye say?"
"Yes. Was you in close proximity to them a-gamblin'?"
"Zimmity--Zimmity. See here, square, what's this here ye're a-givin' me.Don't you go to projeckin around me that a way. I'm a mountain man, Iam, an' I ain't to be fooled with nohow."
"I asked, Zeke, did you see anybody a-gamblin' or not a-gamblin'?"
"Where?"
"At Jamison's barn last week."
"Did I see anybody a-gamblin' last week----"
"Yes, now; that's it."
"Yes. I see some a-gamblin' last week."
"Ah! now we're comin' to it. Who was it you saw a-gamblin' last week?"
"Why, don't you know, you an' me an' Bill was playin' keerds at themill----"
"Oh--pshaw! I don't mean that. Was anybody gamblin' at Jamison's?"
"Wot--at Jamison's?"
This went on for a full hour, and it all came to one thing. Nobody knewanything about it, and after some talk a weazen-faced, dried-up old man,who had been whittling a piece of bark, said:
"Square, there ain't been nothin' a-proved, and this here case must bestopped. I'll pay the costs."
"Well," said the magistrate, "there ain't been nothin' proved up, an' ifyou'll pay the costs of one sixty, I'll call this here case a NollyProssy."
And then the old man said, "All right, square. Here's yer money fer thecosts. I don't mind about payin' 'em seein' as how I won the whole potanyways."
* * * * *
Let a vote be taken for the wisest man, and every fool will vote forhimself.
PURE SCOTCH
Andrew Carnegie, in the smoke-room of the Baltic, talked about Scotchwhisky.
"It is a pure but a powerful spirit," he said, smiling. "In Peebles theother day they told me a good story about it.
"It seems that a Peebles lawyer and his clerk had been to a wedding ofthe real, ol
d-fashioned sort. On the way home the lawyer said, as theywere crossing the famous Peebles iron bridge:
"'Noo, Saunders, mon, I'll juist gang on ahead a meenit, an' ye'll tellme if I'm walkin' straucht.'
"So the lawyer walked ahead, and then called back:
"'Straucht, Saunders?'
"'Straucht's a die,' Saunders answered; 'but--hic--wha's that wi' ye?'"
WHY HE WAS A DEMOCRAT
"The old teacher in one of the smaller schools near my native town ofPeekskill," said Senator Depew, "had drilled a number of his brightestscholars in the history of contemporary politics, and to test theirfaith and their knowledge he called upon three of them one day anddemanded a declaration of personal political principles.
"You are a Republican, Tom, are you not?" inquired he of the first."Yes, sir," was the answer. "And, Bill, you are a Prohibitionist, Ibelieve?" "Yes, sir," said Bill. "And, Jim, you are a Democrat?" "Yes,sir," said Jim.
"Well, now," continued the teacher, "the one of you that gives the bestreason why he belongs to his party can have this live woodchuck which Icaught on my way to school this morning."
"I am a Republican," said the first boy, "because the Republican partysaved the country in the war and abolished slavery."
"And I am a Prohibitionist," rattled off the second youth, "because rumis our country's greatest enemy, and the cause of our over-crowdedprisons and poorhouses."
"Very excellent reasons, boys, very excellent reasons," observed theteacher encouragingly. "And, now, Jim, why are you a Democrat?"
"Well, sir," was the slow reply, "I am a Democrat because I want thatwoodchuck!"
FINALLY THE WORM TURNED
A muscular Irishman strolled into the Civil Service examination-roomwhere candidates for the police force are put to a physical test.
"Strip," ordered the police surgeon.
"What's that?" demanded the uninitiated.
"Get your clothes off, and be quick about it," said the doctor.
The Irishman disrobed, and permitted the doctor to measure his chest andlegs and to pound his back.
"Hop over this bar," ordered the doctor.
The man did his best, landing on his back.
"Now double up your knees and touch the floor with your hands."
He sprawled, face downward, on the floor. He was indignant but silent.
"Jump under this cold shower," ordered the doctor.
"Sure, that's funny!" muttered the applicant.
"Now run around the room ten times to test your heart and wind,"directed the doctor.
The candidate rebelled. "I'll not. I'll sthay single."
"Single?" asked the doctor, surprised.
"Sure," said the Irishman, "what's all this fussing got to do with amarriage license!"
He had strayed into the wrong bureau.
* * * * *
A number of mischievous boys on their way to drive the cows home frompasture one evening, passing by the low and lonely cabin occupied by apoor old woman, hearing some one talking within, peeped through thewindow and saw the poor old body on her knees before the wideold-fashioned chimney. She was pitifully beseeching God to send herbread. The boys thinking it would be a good joke, ran back home and gotsome loaves of bread. The old lady was praying still for bread when theyreturned, all out of breath. They climbed up on the roof quietly andthrew the loaves down the chimney, scrambled down to the door andlistened to the poor old soul pouring her heart out in thanksgiving toGod for sending her bread from heaven. Then they opened the door, andburst in on her with:
"Why, granny! Did you think God sent you that bread? We tumbled it downthe chimbley!"
And she said, "Well, boys, God did send it even if the devil did bringit."
NO WATER IN HIS
During a great temperance agitation out in Kansas a man was lecturing ina public school building on chemistry. An interested auditor, a farmer,couldn't at all get the hang of the lecturer's remarks, and asked hisneighbor in the next seat: "Say, what does the lecturer mean by oxy-ginand hydro-gin, and what is the difference?" "Well," was the answer,"they come to 'bout the same thing. There ain't enough differencebetwixt them to amount to much. You see, by oxy-gin the lecturer meanspure gin, and by hydro-gin he means gin and water."
"Thank you, sir," replied Hayseed, "I reckon I'll take oxy-gin. It goesfurther."
RAISING CAIN
Robert Burdette, in one of his lectures, thus describes scientificeducation in primeval times: "When a placid but exceedinglyunanimous-looking animal went rolling by, producing the general effectof an eclipse, Cain would shout:
"Oh, lookee, lookee, pa! What's that?"
"Then the patient Adam, trying to saw enough kitchen wood to last overSunday, with a piece of flint for a saw, would have to pause and gatherup enough words to say:
"That, my son? That is only a mastodon giganteus; he has a bad look buta Christian temper."
And then presently:
"Oh, pa! pa! What's that over yon?"
"Oh, bother," Adam would reply; "it's only a paleotherium, mammaliapachydermata."
"Oh, yes; theliocomeafterus. Oh, lookee, lookee at this 'un!"
"Where, Cainny? Oh, that in the mud? That's only an acephala lamellibranchiata. It won't bite you, but you mustn't eat it. It's poison aspolitics."
"Whee! See there! See, see, see! What's him?"
"Oh, that? Looks like a pleiosaurus; keep out of his way; he has a jawlike your mother."
"Oh, yes; a plenosserus. And what's that fellow, poppy?"
"That's a silurus malapterous. Don't you go near him, for he has thedisposition of a Georgia mule."
"Oh, yes; a slapterus. And what's this little one?"
"Oh, it's nothing but an aristolochioid. Where did you get it? There,now, quit throwing stones at the acanthopterygian; do you want to bekicked? And you keep away from the nothodenatrichomanoides. My stars,Eve! where did he get that anonaceo-hydro-charideo-nymphaeoid? Do younever look after him at all? Here, you Cain, get right away from downthere, and chase that megalosaurius out of the melon-patch, or I'll setthe mono-pleuro brachian on you!"
A MEAN COMPANY
Mark Twain is credited with telling a good story about the meanestcorporation on earth. A man was working for this company, drilling holesfor blasting rock. He got to work on a place where there was a chargethat had not gone off. So, as he sat there quietly drilling away, therewas an explosion. He went up and up till he didn't look any bigger thana hat; and then up and up till he didn't look any bigger than a walnut;and then up and up till he went out of sight. Then he began to come downand down till he looked as big as a walnut; and then down and down tillhe looked as big as a hat; and then down and down till he sat right inthe place he had left, and went on drilling away as if nothing hadhappened. He was absent just sixteen minutes and forty-two seconds--andthe company was so mean that they docked him for loss of time!
* * * * *
"Say, boy, say!" exclaimed a hot looking man with a big valise, "what'sthe quickest way to the cars?" "Run!" yelled the boy as he dodged intoan alley. The man was very sorry the boy had so suddenly disappeared,for he was so pleased with the kind information that if he could onlyhave come near enough to the boy, he would certainly have given himsomething to remember him by.
* * * * *
When the preacher went into politics and suffered in his professionalcharacter in consequence, he thought well to make an humble confessionto his conference to the effect that "the muddy pool of politics was therock on which I split."
He mixed his figures about as badly as a famous Irishman, Sir BoyleRoche, who, suspecting the opposition of some sort of underhandintentions, revealed his acuteness and his purpose to head off the enemyin the following terms: "I smell a rat; I feel it in the air; and I willnip it in the bud!"
A SURE THING
The colonel and a friend were s
itting on the back porch of the housesmoking and talking. They fell to discussing the intoxicating propertiesof beer. The colonel maintained that a man couldn't possibly drinkenough beer to make him drunk, but his friend was of a contrary mind.The colonel went into his kitchen and brought out a two-gallon tinbucket, and said, "See this bucket? Well, I have a German sawing wooddown in my barn at the end of the lot. I'll bet you ten dollars that hecan drink all the beer that bucket will hold at one sitting, and not bethe worse for it." The bet was taken, and the colonel called the manfrom his work, and said, "Diedrich, you see that bucket? If I were tofill that bucket with beer, do you think you could drink it all at onesitting?"
The German smiled broadly, and said he guessed he could--he could try."But I want you to be certain," said the colonel. "Vell," said Diedrich,"I guess I could, but maybe I couldn't." With this he was dismissed andthe subject was dropped.
At the end of a half hour, Diedrich appeared on the scene and said thatif that bucket was filled with beer he could drink it all withoutstopping. He was certain he could. Accordingly he was sent with thebucket to a neighboring brewery and promptly returned with the vesselfull to the brim. He placed it on a table, drew up a chair, tilted thebucket and set to work. In a very short time he had finished, arose,thanked the colonel and was making for the wood-pile.
The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour Page 7
