“I’m not offended.” She pulled a knife out of the block and started chopping. “It’s part of my job, looking good and having a tight ass. I should probably thank you for the compliment.”
“Thank me how?” That was a bad thing to say.
“How I just did.” Portia laughed. “Did you think I was going to blow you? You’re not a casting director. Hand me the salt and pepper.”
“Do you think those two will get together?” Penny wondered.
“Still doing homework,” Allyson said.
“What? I can’t hear you. Come in here.”
“Still. Doing. Homework.”
“Don’t scream at me. I know you’re watching.” Penny tossed a Gummi bear at her daughter’s head.
Allyson thought of telling her mother she should be eating something with a modicum of nutritional value, but she pictured being hit in the head with a salad and refrained. “She’s married, right?” Allyson knew it was a mistake to engage, but it wouldn’t be any better trying to ignore Penny. That was the beauty of her mother.
“Marriage doesn’t mean anything,” Penny said.
“Not to some people,” Allyson muttered.
Confessional: Ollie
“Oh man, that felt like a close one. I can’t believe I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to. I was trying to take the time to think, you know, about my strategy and such. Next thing I knew, they popped my top, and it was all over. I was surprised how the sleeping pissed them off, but I guess I can see how it’s not too exciting for the audience watching me catch zzz's. Sorry, audience. I’ll do better next time. Right here and now, I vow to stay awake through the whole next challenge. The blood was something though. I guess I have to get used to it. Vampires can’t live on pizza. Hey, dad, I hope everything is good back home. Miss you and mom tons!”
Confessional: Kannon
“So the cliché ‘Money can’t buy happiness’ isn’t just the anthem of the impoverished. Who knew? Not my father. I’m starting to get it though. This might be good for me. If I make it, I can be a kinder, gentler vampire. It would be funny if it weren't so terrifying. If it doesn’t work out, I don’t want anybody to feel bad. I wanted this too, at least, at some point. And it made sense. I don’t want to sound like I’m counting myself out; I’m not. But the competition is stiff, as you’ve seen by now, which means, I’m going to have to make a real effort, and that’s good. I haven’t had to make a real effort in a long time. I always thought I liked having it easy. No, I did like having it easy. Just like the rest of you would. But if I’m going to die, I don’t want to die a douche.
It was peaceful here in the billiards room and good to be alone. Stewart restrained a sigh of impatience when someone said, “That’s not how you play.”
Stewart sat up and swung his legs off the table.
“Want a game?” Kannon said.
“Sure.” Stewart got off the table so Kannon could rack. The crack of the break filled the room, and they played in companionable silence.
“That was crazy, right?” Stewart said.
“Yes.”
“Do you think it will get easier?”
“No.”
Confessional: Celeste
“Considering the staggering number of releases we had to sign to be on this fucking fun-fest, you would think the amount of danger would exceed the perils of crossing the street. I know it was just the first challenge, something to get our feet wet, but I’m going to be super pissed if the next one isn’t more intense. I mean, seriously, who do you have to fuck around here to get killed?”
Confessional: Emily
“That was a learning experience. Although, I don’t believe any vampire, who's not an eccentric or a throwback, sleeps in a coffin. By that, I mean I don’t believe it of any of them with the possible exception of Vlad. It is fascinating to see someone fly out of history as a giant bat. If you get the opportunity, I recommend it. I’m encouraged by my performance in the first challenge. In theory, I felt like I could do it, but it’s a relief to have made it through unscathed. I would worry about acquiring a taste for blood, but I suspect once the transition happens, the appreciation will be there. Sorry, I can’t seem to stop smiling. I’m never like this, but this is a whole new world. And I feel like it could be mine.”
Celeste was skulking around the Manor catching bits and pieces of conversation wherever she went. She would call it exploring if anyone noticed her, but she didn’t expect it to be an issue. The more she skulked, the more she felt at odds with humanity. She felt no kinship with any of these people, though, like Celeste, they had jumped through numerous hoops to be here and might be expected to have something in common with her.
Celeste was standing outside the billiards room listening to the crack and tumble of the pool balls. She hadn’t managed to overhear a single snip of conversation since she’d been outside the door. She froze when Madeline came around the corner and walked toward her.
Celeste was casting around for a defense and considered ducking into the game room, but she wasn’t sure who was in there.
Madeline approached without speaking and squeezed right by her as though she hadn’t even noticed Celeste’s presence. Celeste turned to watch Madeline continue down the corridor and hang a left that took her out of sight. Celeste shook her head at the degree of social awkwardness that allowed someone to pass within inches of a housemate and pretend not to notice.
“Crazy bitch,” Celeste said to herself with what may have been affection.
Confessional: Jeff
“I’m not feeling great about this endeavor. Maybe because I’m officially not part of it anymore. It had to be someone, but why did it have to be me? I can’t decide if I hate myself or the fucking vampires more. My mother always said they were no good. But maybe I was wrong about them. Maybe they’re not just like us. They don’t seem to think so. I’m starting to think they consider humans to be inferior. I thought marching for vampire rights might have won me a pass. I’m not saying that’s why I did it. I did it because it was the right thing to do. At least I thought so at the time. But they couldn’t grant me one tiny bit of forbearance while I found my stride in the competition. I mean, I know our lives before aren’t supposed to matter, but I got maced while I was picketing the Supreme Court on their behalf. Mace hurts. And I have to say, if I knew they would eliminate me anyway, I wouldn’t have licked the blood vomit off the table. I resent that.”
Confessional: Madeline
“Here’s the thing. You would pray too if you woke up in a fucking coffin. A little notice would have made a big difference, assholes. And now I’m stuck here? So I can ramble on for your entertainment with no hope of winning the prize. That’s just great. No sadistic bastards here. But whatever. I have all the booze I can put away, and I don’t have to be on set early. Sorry. I don’t mean to have a bad attitude. But, I mean, it’s not like I’m the one who threw up blood. That’s a clear sign someone wouldn’t make a good vampire. But the coffin thing? They don’t even sleep in coffins, except probably that creepy fucker Vlad. It was comfy though. Everything here is comfy.”
From the _ _ _ _ _ _ _ of Babes.
ood evening all,” Chaz said. “Welcome back. I hope you all had a lovely day’s sleep. By now, you’ve all been able to observe the contestants in their off time and get to know them through their own words. What do you think?”
“Challenge them! Challenge them! Challenge them!” The audience rolled their eyes and gnashed their teeth and shook their fists, and it was all so terrible, Chaz wanted to banish the lot of them.
“Challenge them we shall,” Chaz said. “In fact, the second challenge is coming up shortly, and this season, we’ve made the second challenge a special audience participation challenge. The audience, which is you guys, will be set up with accessories, and when I give the signal, you will become the biggest obstacle for the contestants. I’ll give you a hint: the challenge involves a small pit of hot coals. But first, let’s hear from the friends and family o
f Jeff and Lola.”
There were some distracted cheers for the pre-recorded loved ones of Jeff and Lola, but most of the audience was speculating about what role they would play in the challenge. Cyri tried to ignore her father’s excited musings.
“First up,” Chaz said. “Jeff’s mother.”
“Hi, baby.” Jeff’s mother had dressed up for the filming of her segment. She was wearing a nice blue dress and looked like the kind of mom who made snacks for all the neighborhood kids. “I miss you, and I wish you were home, but I know you felt you had to do this. I want you to know I’m watching, and I’m thinking of you every minute. You make me proud with everything you do; it’s just sometimes I wonder if you would be happier focused elsewhere. I just don’t think vampires appreciate humans. And I don’t want them judging my baby. All I want is for you to come home safe. I love you.”
The crowd had quieted as the clip of Jeff’s mom played. There was a brief silence when the screens went dark.
“Has her child not already met his end?” Vlad asked. Delia rolled her eyes.
“Jeff has been eliminated from the competition,” Chaz said, “but he is very much alive. Let’s hear from Lola’s ex-boyfriend.”
“What’s up, sexy? I’m not going to wish you luck because I know you don’t need it. You guys who are competing against her, I’ll wish you luck though. Lola gets what she fucking goes after. The chick can’t take no for an answer, seriously. If any of you find a knife in your back, Lola put it there. Fun girl, though. I’ve got to say sometimes I miss her. Lola, come look me up when you’re Mistress of the Night or whatever. We’ll have at it for old time’s sake. Later, babe.”
“Time for the second challenge,” Chaz said. “We’re going to take a quick break while I explain to the studio audience their part in all this; then, we’ll be back to set it all in motion.”
“Did they say what it is yet?” Dani said. She had just come back from grabbing a quick shower.
“No, but check it out.”
Dani plopped herself on the floor beside Rose. “Is that an obstacle course?”
“Looks like.”
“Hmmm. That’s boring, huh?” Dani tipped her head and thumped her ear with the heel of her hand. Cotton swabs had been on her theoretical shopping list for weeks.
Rose flinched away from whatever her roommate might be dislodging. “There are tightropes; tightropes are kind of exciting.”
“They’re only like five feet long,” Dani said.
“I think it’s more like fifteen feet. And they are strung over a pit of hot coals,” Rose said.
“How thrilling,” Dani said. “Someone may get scorched.”
Rose laughed. “Would you rather see someone killed on the spot?”
Dani shrugged. “It’s just more exciting if there’s a little danger. Oh, my god. I so want to fuck him.”
Chaz had appeared on the screen. He was riling the crowd, greeting the judges, calling the contestants out. The ten lined up along the edge of the stage, and Chaz explained the rules.
“Well, there’s your danger,” Rose said. “But he is hot. I still think Kannon is cuter.”
“He cried,” Dani said. “And he’s claustrophobic. Soooooooooverysexy.”
“He didn’t cry. And claustrophobia is a recognized condition. Besides, men are allowed to cry. You’re sexist.”
“I’m a girl,” Dani said. “So, I’m automatically not sexist. Hand me a pillow?”
Rose tossed a pillow at her head.
The girls watched intently as Chaz ran through the obstacles. The contestants would have to climb a pegboard to reach the first of two freestanding platforms. From there, they would swing on a rope to the next platform. Once they’d landed, the contestants had to mount their tightropes to reach the final platform, crossing thirty feet above a shallow bed of coals to victory.
“That library girl isn’t buying it,” Rose said. “I like her.”
The pensive look Emily currently wore wasn’t due to what would have been an entirely appropriate skepticism, but rather to the fact she was mentally reviewing her strategy.
“She’s pretty,” Dani said.
“She’s smart,” Rose countered “That’s what matters.”
“So that’s it,” Chaz said. “Once you reach the final platform, remain there until every contestant is, one way or another, finished with this challenge. You’ll all be happy to hear we rethought having a pit of fire. The judges weren’t comfortable with an open flame. And to make it easy, you don’t even have to walk. You can straddle your rope, use your hands, whatever. Easy, right?”
Most of the contestants nodded and looked relieved, although a few of them seemed warier.
Who is the sick bastard that thinks these things up? Portia thought. I am not getting fried over this. Risking your life was one thing; risking your looks, however, was quite another.
“This isn’t exactly a race,” Chaz said, “but it’s always good to be first. And although we probably won’t eliminate you because of how you navigate the obstacles, you should do it with the most style possible. Climbing and tightropes might not seem like vampire activities, but we the undead have superb grace and athleticism, and we want to know the capabilities of our potentials.”
That’s good. Emily took a deep breath. It doesn’t matter if I’m first; it matters that I finish. Someone is bound to fall. Probably a couple someones. To Emily’s credit, she did not wish for any of the potentially fallen to land in the hot coal pit.
“Is everybody ready?” Chaz asked.
The studio audience was ready. Viewers around the world were ready. The contestants were making the best of it.
Donovan grunted and flexed his hands. I’m leaving these pussy bastards in the dust.
“Judges! Are you ready?”
“Get on with it,” Edmund said.
“We are not only ready; we are also eager,” Delia said.
“You both understand that you do nothing to ease the misconceptions the humans hold about us,” Nodin said.
“Do you long for their understanding?” Edmund asked.
“Contestants! On your mark, get set—” An earsplitting siren blasted from beneath the contestants, and they all jumped, most of them toward the peg wall.
Everyone scrambled to snatch pegs from the board. There was a flurry of arms and scrabbling feet as the contestants tried to make a strong start.
The more vigorous climbers jostled their fellow contestants as they fought for the lead. Donovan was in the front of the pack, and to the surprise of most, Portia was close behind. Her torturous workouts at the climbing gym had been, in hindsight, pure genius.
Ollie was near the rear of a small clump of climbers working to make up the ground they’d lost by startling away from the wall when the siren blasted. Ollie glared at all the heels above him and pressed upward.
Emily had started losing ground as soon as she hit the wall; Ollie passed her easily. Emily glanced back to see who was still behind her and swore.
“I don’t think all the climbing is fair to the girls,” Dani said.
“Well, they have to go up,” Rose said, “to get to the tightrope. And most of the girls are doing okay. The librarian’s the one that can’t hang.”
Emily was thinking along similar lines. Above her, Donovan had no such worries.
“Watch your heads, folks,” Chaz said. “Donovan has made it to the first platform.”
Donovan heaved himself onto his platform. There was a triumphant sneer on his face.
The platform was round and free standing with a two-foot diameter. From here, Donovan had to grab the rope hanging a couple feet out and swing to the second platform.
Donovan could feel the heat wafting up from the bed of coals on the stage below and risked a look down. He found no comfort in Chaz’s assurance that the pit wasn’t deep.
Ha! Brett thought as he scrambled from the peg wall to his platform. Brett felt himself grin at Donovan’s start of surprise. That’s ri
ght; I’m here. About to beat your ass, muscle man. Then he too looked down.
Donovan’s platform started to spin. Before Brett could articulate to himself what was happening, his platform followed suit.
“I didn’t mention that, did I?” Chaz said to the audience.
“Spin them off! Spin them off! Spin them off!”
Spin? Emily grimaced.
Kannon and Stewart gained their platforms simultaneously; Brett and Donovan didn’t notice.
When the spinning started, Donovan had one hand on his rope. He instinctively tightened his grip and twisted to grab on with his other hand. As the speed of the spin increased, he lost his footing. Donovan let his feet leave the platform and clung to his rope.
Brett had been reaching for the rope when he started to spin. He pulled his arm back and dropped to a crouch.
I can’t. Kannon looked down into the pit and felt his stomach lurch in cold terror. This is not a good place for people with phobias. And why was all this self-awareness hitting him now, thirty feet in the air with nowhere to go but into a fiery pit? Just as he gathered the composure to glance to his left at Donovan and Brett, he began turning.
Brett managed to grab his rope on his third rotation. He’d caught it and sprung, hoping to generate enough momentum to carry him across.
Stewart grabbed his rope and pulled it close enough to wrap a leg around. When his platform started to rotate, he picked up his other foot and sent himself swinging slowly over the coals. There are people who live perfectly happy lives with no family, Stewart thought as he pendulumed back and forth.
Lola scrambled over the top of the pegboard. Idiot, she thought when she saw Donovan gyrating desperately at the end of his rope trying to build up enough of a swing to reach the second platform.
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