“Vwergn,” Jake said.
“What did you say, honey?” Jake’s mother asked.
“I think it was just a happy sound.” Chaz shook his head at the judges and crouched down to be nearer the kid’s eye level. “So, Jake, do you have toy guns at home?”
Jake nodded. “Bang, bang!” He managed to work his tiny fingers into the shape of a gun.
“That’s right,” Chaz said. “Bang, bang. Do you know you shot a girl in the leg?”
Jake nodded and smiled. His grin made his fat cheeks fatter, and the audience melted.
“He pulled the trigger all by himself,” Jake’s mom said. “I only helped hold it up.”
“That’s fantastic, Jake,” Chaz said. “Do you know you won a prize?” Jake looked up at his mom, his eyes wide at the word prize.
“Pwize?”
“A prize is like a present you get for doing something well,” Chaz said.
“Pwesnt! Prwesnt!” Jake clapped his hands.
“This is fucking ridiculous,” Edmund said. The audience gasped. Jake’s mother belatedly clapped her hands over his ears.
“Phuckndiclus,” Jake said.
The crowd howled with laughter as did Chaz. Jake’s mother flushed with mortification. “We don’t say those words, Jake.” She gave him a good shake. “Those words are very bad. It is very bad to say them. Do you understand?”
Jake nodded. His big eyes were wet with tears. “I sowwie,” he said.
Jake’s mother leaned down and whispered in his ear. “You are getting a spanking when we get home.”
Jake started to cry in earnest. The audience booed.
Cyri was now the proud possessor of the only gun that still contained a bullet. She briefly considered the justice of shooting Jake’s mother.
“It’s okay, Jake.” Chaz patted the kid on the head. “We had a different prize planned, but we switched it to one we thought you’d like better. Guess where you and your family are going?”
Jake didn’t answer, but he did let the waterworks die out and looked at Chaz with his big eyes.
“Wrap it the fuck up,” The Voice said in Chaz’s ear.
“You’re going to Disneyland,” Chaz said and signaled for the twins. “Yay.”
Rylie and Kylie swept out to escort Jake and his mother away. Kylie picked the little boy up and hugged him close, smelling his neck. Jake’s mother smiled at the sight of what appeared to be a wholesome, if somewhat overdressed, coed adoring her child and took a moment to address the audience. Rylie shrugged and followed Kylie and the boy.
“Thank you all so much, I’m just so proud of my little guy. My life began when I went through twenty-seven hours of labor to bring my little love into the world, and when I came out the other side, I found I finally knew what it meant to love.”
Jake had disappeared from the stage still wrapped in Kylie’s arms.
“Kylie and Rylie are often hungry being so new,” Nodin said.
“It would serve her right.” Edmund scowled at Jake’s mother.
“Do you think the girls are enjoying the child?” Vlad said.
“It’s impossible not to enjoy him,” Jake’s mother said. “It’s what I do all day, every day. The selfless pride I felt when Jake shot that contestant—moments like that are just the icing on the mommy cake. For those of you who aren’t parents, I could never explain the pride I feel in his accomplishments. I’m sure there are nice things about being vampires, but if you can’t make life. You can’t ever really be complete. You can think you’re happy, but you’re not. You can’t be because what you’re missing is everything pure and good about the world.”
“For fuck’s sake, Chaz,” Delia said. “Get rid of her.”
“That’s—” Chaz started.
“Are they going to eat the kid?” The Voice demanded. “Because if they are, it needs to happen on camera.”
“Children,” Jake’s mother said. “Children are the only point.”
“Actually,” Chaz said. “We do produce children. And your son? He just left the stage with two of our newest. You probably should go get him.”
“While you seek to extol your questionable virtues, your child may be consumed.” Nodin sounded, more than anything else, hopeful. “And you will have no one but yourself to blame.”
Chaz knew she would find someone who wasn’t herself to blame. The twins for eating the boy perhaps, although it was like leaving a hungry dog to guard dinner. You were the fool for expecting your plate to be untouched when you returned.
Jake’s mother finally showed some comprehension and moved her ass when Vlad said, “I wonder if there’s any left,” and disappeared from his throne. Her low, square heels made an abominable racket as she sped across the stage shrieking Jake’s name.
Everyone listened for additional screams from backstage. When none came, Chaz went on with the show.
“That little boy is darling,” Mandy said.
Seth was unimpressed. “I can’t believe they give kids guns over there.”
“Well, I’m sure he doesn’t always have a gun.” Mandy peeked at her husband. “Wouldn’t it be fun if, someday, we took Mason?”
“It’s time to hear from some more viewers,” Chaz said. “Let’s start with Jessyca, from Raleigh, North Carolina.”
“I just wanted to say, I love the show so much! I tried to buy a ticket to be in the audience but they sold out in like thirty seconds. Do you think there might be more seats available next season?”
“We can hope, Jessyca,” Chaz said. “I’ll be looking for you right here in the front row next time! Spend anything! Trust me, you’ll have the time of your life. Now we have a comment from Glen in Medford, Oregon.”
“That was the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen. And I want to say that Lola is fucking hot! I hope you win it, Lola. And then I hope you come look me up.”
“I’m sure she’ll get right on that,” Chaz said. “But first, Lola and the other contestants are coming out to see what the judges have to say about the second challenge and to find out who they are eliminating from the competition. Contestants, let’s see you!”
The ten remaining contestants filed out. Cassie was on crutches, and half of Kannon’s head had been bandaged over. There were few smiles. With two challenges down and three to go, the competitors had abandoned mindless optimism in favor of grim determination.
“Audience!” Chaz paused for them to scream their acknowledgment. “Want to hear who you voted to eliminate?”
“Eliminate! Eliminate! Eliminate!”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Chaz said. “You, my human lovelies, want to send home a guy for being a douche and a gal for being stuck up. In short, you voted to be rid of Donovan and Emily.”
The crowd cheered. The crowd booed. The crowd hissed.
“Taking your vote under advisement,” Chaz continued, “the judges will make their decision.”
“Brett, step forward.” Brett fidgeted under Delia’s gaze.
“Brett, your hesitation when you reached the tightrope gave me pause, but perhaps it was strategic.”
Brett nodded. “Totally strategic.”
“His reek of desperation disgusts me,” Edmund said.
“Let it go,” Nodin said.
“Inform the contestant he may step back,” Edmund decreed. Chaz rolled his eyes and gestured for Brett to return to his place in line.
“Lola.” In response to the command of her name, Lola stepped forward.
“You finished second,” Nodin continued. “Tell us why you chose to taunt those in the pit.”
“I don’t think I taunted them,” Lola argued.
“She speaks as though what she thinks could matter,” Edmund said.
Lola’s face was a mix of emotions one of which looked like rage. It was impossible to tell whether she was trying to muster the courage to talk back to Edmund or the sense not to.
“I eliminate that one,” Vlad said. He pointed at Stewart before he popped from his thro
ne to Stewart’s side.
“The one who thought of inviting the madman to sit with us will be dealt with,” Edmund said.
“You know who invited him,” Delia said. “Leave it. I happen to enjoy the perks here. Besides, if you eat him, you’ll never work in this town again.”
“Burbank?”
Stewart looked wildly at the other judges then turned to Chaz for reassurance as he stepped forward and to the side, trying to get an eye on Vlad. He nearly screamed when he felt Vlad’s tongue sweep over the nape of his neck. Chaz raised an eyebrow in Delia’s direction.
“Sweetie, we have to talk to each contestant before we eliminate,” Delia said. “And stop licking.”
“But I will get to eat the elim —”
“No! Just say something about Stewart’s performance in the challenge,” Delia said. “Stewart is the one standing in front of the others.”
“I do not believe, Stewart,” Vlad said, “that you fell. At this time, I am not to eat you.”
Stewart shuddered. He felt sick at the remembrance of Vlad’s touch.
“You are never to eat a contestant,” Nodin said.
“Never cannot be promised but perhaps not today,” Vlad conceded.
Vlad moved away from Stewart and began making his way down the line of contestants. He ran a finger down Lola’s cheek, inhaled the length of Celeste’s collarbone. The audience found itself enthralled. The contestants didn’t move.
Vlad continued his survey. He stroked, he pinched, he looked deeply into several sets of terrified eyes and then into Kannon’s one. The contestants elevated stillness to an art form. Their thoughts ranged from Please God, please to Come on, already.
“Vlad! No biting.” Delia patted the arm of Vlad’s empty throne. Vlad blinked off the stage and reappeared beside her.
Stewart stepped back, his hands thrust deep in his pockets to hide their trembling.
Ollie was next to be ordered forward.
“Your start was unimpressive,” Nodin said, “but you finished acceptably.”
“Yet you are damned with faint praise,” Edmund said. “Begone.”
“Returning to your place in line will suffice,” Delia said as Ollie started to head offstage. He blinked away the onslaught of tears and about-faced back into line.
“You take your role too seriously,” Delia said to Edmund.
“Bah.”
“That one,” Vlad said.
“Emily, step forward,” Chaz clarified. Emily stood without moving, hands clasped in front of her. Chaz could tell she was nervous, but she managed to hide it, at least from the other humans.
“Please don’t ask if you can eat her,” Delia said.
Vlad huffed. He might have been frustrated or offended.
“Is a semblance of order so much to ask?” Nodin said.
“You can see it is,” Delia said.
“She fell,” Edmund said.
“I caught myself,” Emily told him. “I finished the challenge.”
“I was not speaking to you.”
Emily debated a second too long over whether to object to Edmund’s attempt to shame her.
“Emily, you reacted with poise and grace to the unexpected,” Delia said. “However, your overall performance was not what we would hope to see from our new Creature of the Night. You are here to become a vampire, not to study them. Choosing action over observation would serve you well. Step back.”
“Donovan, you may step forward,” Delia said.
Donovan swaggered a few steps, winked at the audience, and turned a grin on Delia.
“Creepiest dimple that ever was,” Cyri said.
“What, honey?” Cyri’s dad didn’t bother looking at her, so she didn’t bother to elaborate on the sleezy vibe Donovan was putting out.
“Ape,” Edmund said.
“There’s always one,” Delia observed.
“You are a man in his prime,” Delia said.
Donovan smirked. He could envision getting a piece of Delia before this was over.
“So, please explain how you justify your middle of the pack finish,” Delia continued.
“I was pacing myself,” Donovan said.
“Step back,” Edmund said, “or I will allow The Impaler an indulgence.”
“I don’t want that one,” Vlad said.
“I long to eliminate you,” Edmund said. “I long to eliminate you all.”
“Step back,” Nodin said.
“Portia,” Chaz said. “Step forward.”
Donovan grinned and tried to high-five Portia as they exchanged places. Portia ignored him.
“You did well,” Nodin said. “You were the second of the weaker sex to complete the course.” Portia let out the breath she’d been holding but didn’t fail to notice the sexism.
“Climbing gym,” she said.
“How utterly fascinating,” Edmund said.
“Seriously,” Cyri muttered.
“Really?” Cyri’s dad said. “We could totally go rock climbing.”
“What brought you here?” Delia asked.
“I’ve always adored the show and the majesty of vampires,” Portia said as smoothly as if she’d rehearsed her answer a hundred times.
“As long as we are not marrying your kind, yes?” Delia said.
“Hollywood has always been quite liberal,” Nodin said. “It must be hard for you.”
“Perhaps even the reason for your limited success,” Delia said.
“I think it’s important to give back,” Portia said, sticking firmly with her PC catch phrases. She uncurled her fingers when she realized her hands had clenched into fists.
“You may step back.”
Portia scampered back before more could be said. Chaz indicated that Celeste should step forward.
“Eternal life has never felt so eternal,” Nodin said.
“Shut it,” Delia told him.
“Step back,” Edmund snapped at Celeste. “This process tests my control. I find myself exhausted by the sea of humanity in which I am adrift. However for now, here we will remain.”
Celeste looked to Chaz for direction. Chaz flashed his hostiest smile and gestured for her to rejoin the others.
“There are two exceptions to Edmund’s disturbing sea metaphor,” Nodin said. “It is clear Kannon and Cassie have failed this challenge. Know that it is not entirely because you were shot down by our esteemed audience participants. It is also because each of you thought your wound was a reason to give up. More fortitude is required. Neither of you so much as attempted to drag your broken body to the finish. Therefore, we dismiss you both from the competition.”
Cassie let out a burst of dismay but clamped down on it immediately. Kannon bowed his head but made no sound.
Rylie and Kylie appeared and began to herd both the current and former contestants away. The crowd began to chant without Chaz prompting them.
“Confess! Confess! Confess!”
“Is this the best audience ever?” Chaz said. “I think they’re trying to steal my gig. But for now, it’s time to say goodnight! I expect everybody to have a look at the next round of confessionals and take in some Manor action!”
Chaz was doing research.
He had let himself be distracted by the motion of his assistant’s head, but almost immediately, his attention came home.
He looked good with a blond going down on him. Although, he felt he looked better with a redhead. The frustrating thing was he couldn’t put a finger on why.
“Switch with Bella,” he said. Ana drew back and wiped her mouth.
Bella obediently ceased rubbing his shoulders and came around to take Ana’s place. She put her mouth over him where he was still wet with Bella’s saliva and commenced her new task with becoming enthusiasm.
Chaz nodded. He definitely looked better with Bella kneeling before him. He had just signed a three-film deal with SuperFetish Films, and he had never been happier that he had clung to some creative control.
Chaz let though
ts of career growth drift from his mind and focused on the sensations being teased to life throughout his body. His eyes closed, and he lost track of which touches came from Bella and which from Ana, but it didn’t matter. Chaz chose to think of them as one extremely talented girl.
Confessional: Celeste
“I can’t take this. Who do you have to fuck around here to get burned or shot to death? I did manage to get fondled by the crazy freaking vampire judge. That part was horrible. I don’t think this is fair. I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea. I can’t believe I thought this would be a simple way to deal with my life. I have to do better. I’m not going to let myself freak out, but it’s hard not to dwell on all the possible bad outcomes. The most obvious being I end up going home to my crappy job and my shitty apartment with only one eye.”
Confessional: Donovan
“I’d like to shoot that fucking judge—the asshole—but whatever. Fuck him. I’m still here, and I’m kicking ass. But it’s getting fucked up. That Kannon guy seemed okay, and now he’s missing a fucking eye. How the fuck are you supposed to get laid with only one eye? I can’t even think about it. I didn’t think I’d see that when I signed up. I almost miss my fucking wife. That ought to tell you how fucked up this shit is getting. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still planning to win this bitch, but anybody would be disturbed by the shit that just went down. And if you think you wouldn’t, you can come say it to my fucking face after I win. I’m going to show these assholes. I’m going to show you assholes. I’m going strong because that’s just me. Fucking ‘ape,’ my ass.”
“Did you kids have fun?” Jeff was lying on the couch, eating a pizza he’d managed to burn around the edges yet keep nearly frozen in the middle, when the others trooped back into the Manor.
“No,” Stewart said, passing through the living room without pause.
Jeff sat up. A couple black olives and a piece of pepperoni fell onto the floor. “What’s his problem?”
“I can’t say definitively,” Emily said, “but it’s possible he’s still agitated because the audience shot at us.”
Creature of the Night Page 11
