Chapter 2
Dustin
Dustin jumped in his desk chair, heart racing, as the blue Skype screen and distinctive low chimes overtook his monitor.
After taking a calming breath, he clicked the green button anyway, since it was Zhong and he knew he’d get a kick out of this.
Just a sec, he signed once the video turned on. I need to close something.
He rapidly closed the other window and then switched back to his best friend’s round face. Zhong peered at him inquisitively.
You look a little frazzled, Zhong observed, also in ASL.
No, you just surprised me.
Still working? Is it the client or your employee?
Neither. Though the client that his company was consulting for was driving him batty and he was pretty sure that his new employee wasn’t going to make it past her probationary period. He usually loved both coding and managing his small team, but this month had been rough.
Which was his excuse for what he’d actually been doing when he finished up work for the day. He adjusted himself in his pants, glad the camera showed only his face and shoulders.
Oh… Zhong smirked. I “interrupted” something.
You’re such an ass.
You’re allowed to watch porn. His best friend paused for effect. As long as you tell me about it.
Watch your own porn!
But it’s so much more fun hearing about yours. Zhong was asexual and found the entire concept of porn mystifying. What were you watching?
Dustin tried hard not to blush. This was Zhong. They’d actually made out when they were roommates in college trying to figure out what interested them. It turned out that Dustin liked men and women, and Zhong thought kissing was alright, since it was a bit like “tongue cuddling,” but still didn’t get turned on by anything.
So he shouldn’t have been blushing. But ever since Alan had dumped him a few months ago and he’d spilled out all of his secret desires one drunken night, Zhong was constantly on him about trying BDSM.
Dustin couldn’t tell if Zhong was trying to be supportive or if he was fascinated by the concept. Who knew? Maybe this was all sociological research to him. Or maybe he just liked seeing Dustin get flustered.
You’re going to think it’s weird.
Nope. I don’t think any of it’s weird. Or any weirder than anything else. I mean, touching excretory organs to other excretory organs is weird. He had to fingerspell “excretory” and Dustin rolled his eyes. I mean, you poop and pee out of those. Have you ever thought about that?
Ugh. Only around you. I’ll make sure not to touch you with my excretory organs.
Actually, I probably wouldn’t notice.
It was true. The first time that Dustin had popped a boner while they were cuddling back in college, Zhong had asked some slightly embarrassing and personal questions. Then he’d watched Dustin whack off the way a scientist would watch someone dissecting a squid. It had been an interesting evening all around and had cemented their friendship.
When it had happened the next time, Zhong either ignored it or truly hadn’t noticed. Which was why they could have this conversation now. OK, so tell me what you were watching. Actually, wait. I want to see it.
I don’t know why I indulge you. It was a scene with a whip. Are you sure you want to see it?
See? That wasn’t that hard. And yes, I want to see it. Share your screen. What did you like about it?
Dustin sighed. Even though it led to some of the weirdest conversations ever, he kind of appreciated how calm and matter-of-fact Zhong was about this. No matter how much Dustin read or watched, he still didn’t quite trust any of it. I don’t even know if any of this is real. Like, it’s porn.
Everyone knew porn wasn’t real. Anal sex without prep was totally a joke. Or at least a fantasy. Whipping someone like that probably was too. Maybe it just didn’t hurt as much as it looked like it should.
Zhong was still waiting for his answer with visible anticipation.
I liked… I don’t even know. The sub was covered with these red marks, all over her shoulders and ass. I don’t even understand why that turns me on.
Did the sub like it?
She was crying. But, God, she’d sure sounded like she was enjoying it. Isn’t it fucked up that I find that arousing?
Not if you’re a sadist. And the other person consents.
I know.
Zhong shook his head. I don’t think you do. Now show me.
Dustin started playing the video again on half his screen with Zhong’s call on the other half. He tried to split his attention, but his eyes kept going back to that translucent skin as another strike fell and another, their path marked in tight, red lines. The woman’s cries and moans filled the room, a counterpoint to the sharp smacks. Dustin could imagine himself holding that whip, owning her responses and making her beg him like she was doing to the Dom on the screen.
Zhong waved to get his attention and he reluctantly drew his eyes away. She looks like she’s enjoying it. She even said please. She might be a porn star, but it looks pretty real to me.
Dustin could hear her voice and moans, even if words didn’t always get transmitted meaningfully from his ears to his brain. Zhong had clearly been able to read her lips, even through the distortion of her heavy breathing and sobs.
Zhong shrugged. So if you like it, and the sub likes it, I think you’ve got your answers.
Dustin nodded, his eyes still darting back and forth across the split screen. It just looked so… scary. Sickeningly appealing. He was greedy for it even though he felt guilty.
Hey, Zhong waved his hand vertically again to get his attention. There must be some homemade porn, right? Like DIY? Where are the real people?
Dustin paused the video. He hesitated for a moment and then pulled up a different one. I swear to God, I wouldn’t share this with anyone but you.
Zhong rubbed his hands together to sign his enthusiasm.
He hesitated again. It was his favorite, favorite video. The one he’d watched over and over again until he had it memorized. He’d even listened to it enough that he knew all the words they were saying, which wasn’t something that came easily to him.
He blew out a deep breath, reminding himself that he trusted Zhong. Reluctantly, he pressed play.
The lighting was bad, and the sub was kneeling in front of a cheap, plastic stool that Dustin had definitely seen at IKEA. You could see how the Dom, a small, slight man clad in black leather, set things up. He first clipped the kneeling sub’s feet together and then, while the sub watched him in adoration, attached a row of small clamps to his balls. They talked with each other, their voices a low rumble that mostly washed over Dustin. As each clamp was attached, the sub winced and then smiled, his eyes going glassy.
Then, the Dom chained the sub’s hand to a duct-tape covered pole in front of the stool, so that his thick, hairy chest rested against the stool and his rounded, furry belly hung down. The Dom took out a curved piece of metal, like a U, lubed it up with an economy sized bottle of lube that he left sitting on a milk crate, and slowly started fucking the bigger sub with it. The sub rolled and pulled at his chains, arching into the motion, while the Dom laughed.
When the Dom was satisfied with the placement, he attached one end of the metal U to the post. Then he attached the dangling chains from the sub’s balls to his feet. When the sub was fully trapped between the two painful sensations, he started shaking, then crying and gasping. The Dom walked around in front of him to look him in the eye and pet his hair. That was the moment that always got to Dustin. That pure look of love and desire and connection.
Then, they kissed on the lips, a slow, luxurious kiss that seemed almost out of context with the rest of the scene. It only heightened it for Dustin.
It didn’t matter that he couldn’t see much of what was going on when the Dom started using the flogger on the sub’s broad, muscular back. Or that the sub hid his face in his arms halfway through and only looked up a
gain with those agonized, blissed-out eyes at the very end. The whole thing was barely fifteen minutes long, but Dustin had stayed up many nights replaying it in his head.
Strangely, though, Dustin was watching Zhong more than the video this time. What would he say?
The video eventually blacked out, cut off suddenly in the midst of the Dom removing the rope from the post.
Zhong stared at the black screen with him, while Dustin grew more nervous. They love each other, he finally said.
You could see that?
I’m asexual, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see it. I’m not aromantic.
Wait, what? That was new, and there wasn’t much that he didn’t know about Zhong. Dustin made a mental note to come back to the whole aro thing when he wasn’t so worried about his own identity.
So they… you think it’s real?
Zhong nodded, still thoughtful. I think that was about as real as it gets. Further, I think that you can find a relationship like that. With someone who wants that. You could make them very happy.
Let’s not talk about this again. He liked the idea of it, but following through, actually doing something like that still felt a bit too raw and uncomfortable.
Memory churned his gut. The surprising smack of pain in his own hand as it landed on Alan’s ass. The beautiful tears in Alan’s crystal green eyes, which he thought Alan wanted since he’d checked in several times. Dustin’s own euphoria, that strong sense of love and pride and ownership. Then his growing horror when he realized that Alan wasn’t aroused, and he wasn’t playing. He was crying in pain and betrayal, and all because Dustin had heard his sobs, but hadn’t understood his words without being able to see his lips. Alan had been asking him to stop, but he’d kept going until Alan had managed to roll himself off the bed, kicking him in the process.
Dustin had deserved so much worse.
He forcefully pushed the memories away. Alan had been cold to him for a week, but that was nothing new in their relationship. Dustin had chased after him, helplessly and hopelessly, trying to comfort him and take care of him.
Until Alan sat him down and explained that it wasn’t working between them, and that Dustin needed to find someone who wanted to be submissive so that he could be Dominant. Though Dustin doubted even that was possible if he couldn’t be responsible enough to stop when the person he was hurting said he’d had enough.
The conversation was painful, and he’d spent months in self-recrimination after Alan left. But it had also opened a door that he hadn’t quite realized existed. If only he had the courage to walk through it.
He’d clearly heard of BDSM--he hadn’t been living under a rock--but it hadn’t occurred to him that those little letters meant something about him. Since then, he’d been… well, mostly living under a rock.
But a well-equipped rock with lots of questionably realistic porn.
Zhong waved his hand at the screen until Dustin looked up. So you don’t want to hear about how there’s a BDSM gathering this weekend that apparently has some Deaf participants?
Did he? God, he had no idea. He’d only just started to accept that this might be what he wanted, and that it might possibly be OK. Meeting people who were in “the lifestyle,” as he had read that it was called, seemed like a bit too much.
It’s a munch, Zhong fingerspelled the odd word. It’s just a bunch of people who like kinky things eating brunch together at a restaurant and talking. You can ask questions and figure out that all of this is perfectly healthy.
Not like you would know, Dustin shot back and regretted it instantly. He wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just feeling defensive.
Zhong looked pissed. Hey! Being asexual is just as healthy as being kinky. And some people are both.
God, I’m so sorry. I totally didn’t mean it that way. I meant not kinky. I just… what if I try something and I mess it up?
Zhong gave him a patient look, one that he knew would lead to endless repetitions in that same, calm manner until he finally got something through his head. It was usually easiest to just give in at the beginning. This is why you’re going to the munch on Saturday. So you can learn, and you won’t mess things up. Starting by finding a partner who’s kinky too, which is the actual reason it didn’t work with Alan, not your morals or your disability.
Dustin sighed. He knew that Zhong was right, even if it didn’t feel that way. He hated being frightened of his own shadow like this. He wasn’t usually one to hide from his fears. So… he was going to the munch on Saturday. If he didn’t, Zhong would be after him to go every month until he caved.
We’ll see, he answered instead. He still wanted to have the option of backing out, and Zhong would hold him to his promises. Zhong smiled anyway, though, knowing he had already won.
For now, he needed to change the subject before Zhong got any more ideas. And he was curious, too. So, you want to tell me more about how you’ve suddenly decided you’re romantic?
Zhong made a distressed face. I mean, I’m not even sure that I am.
Dustin waited patiently. Zhong was usually clear and efficient in communicating his thoughts, but when he was puzzling something out, he could drift for a while before talking. Dustin had gotten pretty used to it. After a minute or so, he gave an encouraging nod in case it would help.
I just… at first, I just thought I was lonely. I had you for so long. And Sarah was a great roommate. I mean, I still talk to her on Skype all the time.
Dustin immediately felt guilty. He knew that Zhong needed a lot more physical contact than he could easily get without an understanding roommate, but both he and Sarah had moved on when they got serious about the people they were dating.
Do you want to move in with me? I have plenty of space. I like having you around. He didn’t even have to think before making the offer.
Zhong’s face lit up. You’d really do that?
Of course. Is that what you want?
Zhong raised his face to the ceiling, his thick black hair fanning out around his ears and his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. He was a handsome man and Dustin couldn’t deny that he’d had a crush on him for a while before they’d both figured themselves out.
He knew that Zhong couldn’t give him what he needed. But maybe Dustin could actually provide that for Zhong. Especially since he was single again now. And if whoever he was dating next didn’t like it, he’d know they weren’t the right fit. He’d learned that with Katy.
But Zhong was slowly shaking his head. I think I… I think I want someone just for me. Like, I still love you, but if you’re dating somebody again, I won’t be your primary focus. That’s OK, he was quick to add. I’ve just realized that I want someone who’s my primary focus. And I’m theirs. That’s the best way that I can put it.
How long have you been thinking about this?
I think that when I was figuring out that I was asexual, I was just so uncomfortable with all of the assumptions about sex that came with romantic relationships that I put it all in the same box. After having a few roommates who weren’t as tactile as you and Sarah, and then living on my own, I realized that I wasn’t just missing friends, I kind of wanted a partner.
That makes sense to me.
Zhong let out a relieved sigh. Thank you for understanding.
Dustin laughed. You just watched kinky porn for me. I think I can handle talking to you about romantic relationships. Anyway, I’ve seen that grid thing that everybody uses, where there’s sexuality on one axis and romantic feelings on the other. He drew the two axes as he signed. Where do you fall on that?
What’s the scale?
Let’s say zero to ten on both axes.
OK, so, um, maybe a two on sexuality? I don’t think it’s disgusting. I’m OK with kissing sometimes. I could probably do some sexual stuff with someone who meant a lot to me, kind of like going to a movie you don’t care about because your friend wants to go? I think the zero is if you’re totally repulsed by it.
Dustin hid a chuckle.
Zhong was always good with metaphors and comparing sex to a bad movie was just like him. He didn’t laugh, though, when Zhong was being so serious. It’s your scale. You get to tell me what it means.
Zhong nodded. Yeah, a two, then. On romantic interests I’m… I think I’m actually a seven or eight. It took me a while to figure out what that means. But I’d like to share my home with someone. I’d like to do special things with them. I don’t want kids, he made a face, but I want to be a family. I think I’d like to date someone. You know, get them special presents and have anniversaries and take care of them. So that… that feels like a seven or eight, right?
To me, that feels like a ten, since it’s what I would want from a romantic relationship. But you’re the only one who can explain your scale. Let me ask this, though. Does your hypothetical relationship feel like it would be different from our friendship? We get each other presents and take care of each other. And we cuddle all the time. Their friendship might not look conventional, but he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Hey, you should add a third axis for cuddles!
Zhong grinned. Yeah, that would totally be… he set up a scale and then puffed out his cheeks and diagrammed moving completely beyond it.
You’re such a cuddle whore, Dustin agreed affectionately.
I know. I’d take cuddles from anyone. But seriously, though, it would be different. Maybe I really am a nine or ten. He looked awed for a moment. I mean, I love you, but I would love this person more, I guess. Like when you’re dating someone, but we’re still close?
Dustin nodded. Definitely.
I also think it should be someone else who’s asexual. So, you know, they wouldn’t want to do things I wasn’t interested in.
Dustin perked up when he realized how serious Zhong was about this. After all, turnabout was only fair play. So it sounds like you’re going to be hitting up some ace groups, right?
Maybe? I’m not really sure what I’m looking for yet.
Oh, no. If I’m going to a munch you’re definitely going to some meetup for asexual romantic people. I bet they even have dating sites for that.
Love Lessons (Love Language Book 2) Page 3
