by Karr, Kim
Sadly, I watched as she walked up the steps of the Met and sat down. I watched as she pulled her phone from her purse and made a call. And then as if I’d been sucker punched, I watched as she hailed a cab and it drove away.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can, baby,” I whispered.
I knew what she’d said, but I hoped I could end this fast and I more than hoped she’d take me back once I did.
I had to or else I might just crumble.
As it was, I stood here feeling emptier than I ever had in my life.
When I walked back to my building, all I could think about was her face—the hope in her eyes that I’d see things her way and the purse of her lips when I refused. I didn’t want to hurt her. I just couldn’t give in to her because every time I looked into those green eyes, all I saw was the blood and violence that I’d cause if I stayed in her life.
Once I was in my apartment, I was more determined than ever to bring this to an end. I sat thinking long and hard about the best way to keep Elle safe. Since killing Tommy was no longer an option, I needed some way to both undermine his leadership and sever his ties to the Blue Hill Gang, while at the same time making sure he was locked up for the rest of his natural-born life.
Undermining his authority meant the members of the gang would no longer respect him. I knew that would be easy to do. It wasn’t like they actually respected him anyway. Severing ties meant no one on the outside of his prison walls would give him the time of day, even if he tried to give them orders. That wouldn’t be as easy to do. Allegiance ran thick in the Blue Hill Gang. My grandfather had instilled that long ago but still, I believed it could be done. And putting Tommy away forever—well, that was a dream I hoped would come true.
The best starting point I had was Lizzy. If only I could find her, then I could figure out what she’d been up to. Find out what kind of relationship she had with Tommy. Who she worked with. Why she did what she did. I knew in my gut she was just the middleman. And I knew from watching the videotape at the hotel that Tommy was very involved, and not in the way he had told his old man. Whatever had gone down wasn’t a passing venture. That was the key to bringing Tommy down. Uncovering his involvement and exposing his lies.
What were Lizzy and Tommy up to?
What was their endgame?
How could I find out?
As if a light bulb had just clicked on, I knew where to start—at the top, and then tracing the steps all the way down.
I pulled out my phone and called someone I was hoping could help me get to the top. Help me find out who the source was. Even knowing this didn’t guarantee anything but it would be a start. One I hoped would open the can of worms.
The line picked up. “You son of a bitch!” James, my best friend for as long as I could remember, answered in his most typical fashion.
“Hey, man, long time no see.”
“Where the hell are you?”
I moved from the sofa to the window in the place I reluctantly called home. The place I never got to show to Elle. “I’m in the city.”
“Let’s get together.”
“I can’t. I’m headed back to Boston, but listen, I need your help.”
“Yeah, yeah, anything—you know that.”
My voice trailed off as I spoke because I knew he was going to jump to the wrong conclusion. “I need the name of someone in the inner circle who has Boston connections.”
“That’s easy enough. Off my head I can think of Theo Lake, Duncan Scott—”
I cut him off. “Who uses,” I added.
“Okay,” he dragged out the word, “but I have to ask, what for?”
“I’m hoping to find out who his supplier is.”
James stayed silent for a few moments. “Are you—?”
I cut him off. “No, man, I’m not using again. I can’t tell you why I need the information, but he won’t get in any trouble. I just want to ask him a few questions. Find out who his dealer his and who the supplier is.”
The summer after college graduation, the summer Tommy attacked Kayla and me, I had been running drugs between Boston and the Hamptons and making a shitload of money doing it. It wasn’t that I needed the money, and to this day I don’t know why I did it. At first it was just to get product to my friends, but then word got out and before I knew it, I was selling to everyone I knew. The supplier had long ago dried up and had replaced ten times over, I was sure but still I knew there was one.
That same summer James and I had also taken using a bit too far. We vowed at the summer’s end, after way too much shit had gone down, to stay away from the blow, and I was pretty certain we both had—so I got why he was concerned.
“Logan, you’re not lying to me, are you?”
I looked around. It had been a long time since I wanted to lose myself in oblivion and even though I really wanted to right now, I knew I had to stay focused. “Come on, James, you know me.”
“Okay. Give me a day. I’ll ask around and get back to you.”
“Thanks, I’ll owe you one.”
“If I were counting, you’d owe me way more than that,” he laughed.
“Fuck off. You’re the one who owes me.”
“Your memory is warped.”
“No, no, no. I think it actually dates back more than ten years ago.”
“What are you talking about?”
I couldn’t resist taunting him. “Remember that time you were jonesing to get back together with George?”
“Fuck, don’t remind me. How is it that you never made me see that she really did have a mouth like a monkey?”
It felt good talking to my old friend. “You can’t be serious. Who do you think named her after Curious George?”
“I’m pretty sure that was me.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Lindsay,” he yelled. “Come here—you have to hear this story and tell me who you think is lying.”
Lindsay was James’s wife, whom he met on a Friday night and married on a Saturday, the following day. Love at first sight. Turns out she was the right one for him, because I’d never seen him happier. She, of course, was a model, but he claimed that’s not why he loved her.
“Hey, Logan, how are you?” she said into the phone.
I sat back. This might take a while. James hated to lose. “Good, Lindsay, and you?”
“I’m great. So tell me how this one goes,” she said with a laugh.
As I started to relay the story from years gone by, I couldn’t help but think this time I believed James . . . He loved this woman and she was perfect for him.
The thought of finally finding the one fucked with my heart even more. I’d found the perfect girl for me when I hadn’t even been looking. And I had to let her go.
In my head I kept saying . . . for now.
That I was going to get lucky on this one.
But who knew?
Luck had never been on my side.
CHAPTER SIX
DAY 11
ELLE
Energy surrounded me.
The burst of flames in the open kitchen of B&G’s was intensified by the brilliant white marble bar that circled them. Walls painted in shades of blues and grays zapped charm into the place. Small balls of fire hung above my head, providing ambient lighting. The staff was dressed in all black and they were moving quickly.
Energy seemed to live everywhere.
Yet, I had none.
Not even a spark.
I couldn’t seem to find my center.
I was off balance.
It was as if the world was at an angle and I was trying to walk in a straight line but finding it more difficult with every passing minute.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Isn’t that what they say?
My heart was ripped from my chest when I walked away from Logan and although it almost killed me, it certainly didn’t make me feel any stronger.
Just the opposite, in fact.
I missed him.
Eve
rything about him.
So much I could feel it down to my bones.
And I was starting to regret what I’d done.
I knew I shouldn’t be. I wasn’t wrong. I had a life now that didn’t have room for maybes. I knew this. Still, I was just so unhappy. And I didn’t understand it because here’s the thing—two weeks ago I never wanted a man in my life, and then along he came and hijacked me. Gave me a glimpse of something I’d never had, and now I wasn’t sure I could live without it. Without him. Yet, I knew I had to—for Clementine. For her I had to stay strong. Keep my mind healthy. Not let it wander with wonder.
“I’m sorry I’m late. I hope you got my text,” he said softly.
Blinking out of my daze, I looked up and tried to smile. “I did.”
Lips brushed my cheek in a way I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with. “I got a call at the last minute that I had to take.”
“It’s fine, Michael, relax. I ordered for the both of us.”
The Saks Fifth Avenue bag in his hand slid under the table. “Thank you for meeting me like this. I know it’s last minute, but I really needed to talk to you.”
Mild curiosity as to what was in the bag distracted me for a moment.
“You look tired. Are you sure everything is okay?”
Forcing myself to stop thinking about Logan was difficult, but I had to concentrate on the conversation at hand. “I’m fine. I’ve just had some trouble sleeping. But honestly, Michael, meeting you for lunch isn’t a problem. I wasn’t doing much today anyway. Peyton took care of the entire inventory restocking at the boutique yesterday and everything else was already done.”
Michael and I hadn’t talked since his early phone call Saturday morning and I found that strange. Usually, he called me for dinner on Sundays but he hadn’t called yesterday, and since I was in New York City, I hadn’t called him either.
He sat down. “Good then, I don’t have to feel guilty about dragging you out on a rainy day.”
It might be a cold, rainy spring day outside, but it didn’t matter because even in here I was chilled. Nothing could warm me. I was cold, sad, and tired. I hated feeling like this. I blinked away my thoughts and focused on Michael. “What is it you wanted to talk to me about? It sounded urgent. Is everything okay with Clementine’s new nanny?”
Unfolding his napkin, he set it on his lap. “Yes, they’re both fine. This meeting isn’t about Clementine.”
“Oh. From the urgency in your voice, I just assumed it was.”
Actually, I had come here with two trains of thought. One—he knew I’d lied about the cocaine being delivered to my boutique; or two—he had changed his mind about who he was appointing as Clementine’s guardian and had invited me here to let me know.
My heart started beating so fast.
This had to be about the delivery.
I was so screwed. I tried to remember what Logan had told me to say under this circumstance, but nerves got the better of me and my brain felt frazzled.
A small sip of his water on his part alerted me that he was nervous too.
I wondered why.
Finally, he spoke. “First of all I want to apologize for involving you in that entire mix-up last week. I never should have put you in a position like that.”
Phew, he was completely unaware of not only the delivery, but also Logan’s involvement. Another attempt at a smile I just couldn’t seem to form failed. Instead, I tried to be as upbeat as I could. “Please, Michael, I think we’re past all the pleasantries. I understand why you had to ask me for help. Sending the packages to the boutique and not the house or your office made sense. No one would have had any idea. I’m just glad the people who were threatening you and Clementine are now behind bars and we can put all of this behind us.”
I hoped that was true.
Dark circles below his eyes couldn’t hide how tired he looked and I wondered if something was still worrying him. “Good then, we can agree to put that behind us.”
I nodded.
“You’re certain everything is okay?” he asked again.
No, everything was not okay. I was heartbroken and downright upset over this entire situation I’d allowed myself to be put in, but I couldn’t tell him that. He knew nothing of my brief affair with Logan. I drew in a deep breath and found some inner strength. “Yes, I’m fine.” This time I managed a smile that had to look as fake as it felt.
“Okay then, I have a favor to ask you.”
Before I could think of what to say, because the last thing I wanted to do was another favor for him, the waiter arrived with our food. “Lobster rolls,” he said, placing our plates in front of us. “Can I get you anything else?”
Michael looked over at me and I shook my head. “No, I think we’re good. If you could just bring the check, I’m in a bit of a hurry today.”
“Yes, certainly, Mr. O’Shea, no problem.”
Michael was a regular at B&G Oysters. He’s the one who turned me on to the restaurant and to lobster rolls. Both of which I loved, but neither of which pleased me today.
I looked down at my rectangular plate of food—the sandwich on one side, the sea-salt-seasoned fries on the other, and in the middle pickles and a small silver container of ketchup.
Ketchup.
Even the stupid condiment made me think of Logan, and my mind drifted back to the first night we’d met.
Logan had been sitting across from me at the table and I couldn’t get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. He took it from me and magically poured some onto my plate. Those hazel eyes lifted seductively. “The secret is knowing where the sweet spot is,” he’d said. That was the first time my stomach had ever done a full belly flop over a guy.
Michael cleared his throat.
Pulled from my thoughts, my eyes darted across the table.
“I have this fundraiser Wednesday night that I was hoping you would attend with me.”
Shocked, I tried not to let my mouth drop open. “What kind of fundraiser?”
After taking a bite from his sandwich, he wiped his mouth. “Political.”
I blinked. “The fundraising for next year’s elections starts this early?”
He nodded. “I’m a little behind the ball and I have a lot of ground to make up.”
“I don’t know, Michael. Politics aren’t anything I know that much about.”
“Please, Elle, I could really use as much support as I can get.”
Not at all wanting to go, I felt like I should. “Can I think about it?”
Michael took another bite of his food. “Sure. My hope is that you’ll say yes. It’s at the University of Massachusetts and it’s a big one. We’re hoping to raise $250,000. A friend of mine was able to arrange for a well-connected alumnus to speak. He’s sure to attract a deep-pocketed crowd.”
“That’s great. I’m certain it will be a success. What is the dress code should I decide to attend?”
Reaching under the table, he pulled the bag out. “I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of buying you something to wear. You look like you’re close to Elizabeth’s size, so I went with that.”
I wasn’t certain how to take that. On one hand it was nice of him; on the other, was he worried I wouldn’t know how to dress? I took the bag from him. “Thank you. I’m not sure what to say.”
He looked a little sheepish. “It’s not meant to offend you in any way, so please don’t take it like that. I just didn’t know if you’d have anything to wear to a black-tie affair and I didn’t want you to stress out about spending the money to purchase something. If you don’t like it or if it doesn’t fit, you can take it back and exchange it. Or if you have something you prefer to wear, you can keep it or return it.”
The sincerity in his voice pushed away any animosity I might have had. “No, I appreciate it. I don’t actually have anything formal and I’ll let you know by tomorrow. Let me look at my schedule.”
His phone beeped and he glanced at the screen. His face instantly pale
d. “I have to go.” He grabbed the bill that the waiter had discreetly placed on the table and then peeled off some twenties from his wallet before setting them inside the leather folio.
“What is it?” I asked.
He leaned forward and whispered, “The men who were supposed to deliver the product to your boutique were found shot to death in their van this morning.”
“What?” I felt ill. “Why? What’s going on?”
“That’s all I know.”
“Who told you?”
He ignored my question and sent a text message before he finally looked up and answered me. “A news text alert. I’m late for a meeting. I really should be going.”
For some reason, I didn’t believe him. I pushed my plate away. “It’s fine. I’m done.”
“Are you sure?”
I waved my hand. “Yes, go.”
“I’m sorry. I just can’t be late for this meeting with my br—” He stopped before finishing.
“I’ll be fine,” I said.
That was another lie.
I wasn’t sure I would be fine ever again.
I sat there, watching the rain out the window for the longest time. Something was going on. Something more than I had imagined. Would Logan have eliminated the deliverymen so as not to expose the fact that the product had actually been delivered to my boutique? I just didn’t think so. If not him, then who did? It was way too coincidental to be a random crime. I pondered it for a long while before leaving to go home in the pouring rain.
Later that evening, I was lying in my bed, my mind a web of tangled lies, lost love, and incoherent thoughts, when my phone rang.
I grabbed for it, hopeful, yet knowing I shouldn’t be. I was in the very state of mind that I wanted to avoid. I hated feeling like this. Glancing at the screen, the number attached to the call was blocked, but I answered anyway. “Hello?” I said quickly.
“Hello, Elle.”
“Who is this?”
The voice was deep. “Someone who wants to help you.”
“Who is this?” I asked again, this time louder.
“That’s not important but what is important is that you understand your role and understand that sometimes the toughest decisions are also the easiest. If you doubt you should say yes, just think of the little lives God has created and go forth wisely.”
