by Karr, Kim
His jaw twitched.
My eyes were glued to him. Under his clothes, I could see the impressive muscle tone of his arms and chest that I loved to have pressed against me. I could hear the way he breathed. I could almost taste his lips on mine.
“Don’t, Elle. Just don’t,” he said.
“Don’t what, Logan? Go on with my life?”
His eyes were flat, his expression lifeless. “You know why we can’t be together right now. All I need is some time.”
I was shaking my head and lashing myself at the same time. I felt physically sick. “I gave you a choice and you didn’t pick me. There is no in-between. Not for me. There can’t be.”
His gaze remained steady, unblinking; his mouth was straight, almost a frown. “This is our story. There can be whatever we want.”
My fists and jaw were clenched. When it came to us, he wasn’t right. “How does that work? The in-between, I mean. We call each other on the sly, maybe meet up to fuck in secret, in a bathroom, a backroom, someplace where we are with other people so no one knows we’re together?”
The look of pain and despair he gave me was one I’d never seen.
The ache in my chest flared, but I didn’t stop. I had to put an end to this before I couldn’t. “Tell me, Logan, in this in-between, do we not only fuck each other but fuck other people too, to make the sham all the more real?”
Red seeped into his face. “Fuck you, Elle.”
His words punched the air from my lungs. I wanted to fall to my knees right there and say I was sorry, but I had to stay strong. I had to end this between us for good, because I knew he would keep going with the back and forth. “We shouldn’t be seen together. Do you want to be the first to walk out of here or should it be me?”
He pulled his bowtie loose and unbuttoned the top button but didn’t answer me.
Everything in this small space was suddenly too bright and my heart was beating way too fast. I couldn’t be near him for one more minute because I knew if I was, I was going to launch myself at him and give him what I knew he’d take. And I couldn’t do that. I was here for a reason—to spy on Michael. Find out what he was up to, if anything.
With a quick pivot on my heels, I made the decision for him and turned and started for the door.
“Elle, don’t leave things like this between us,” he pleaded.
I had to.
Nothing had changed.
A quick fuck wouldn’t make me feel any better tomorrow or change the fact that we had no future.
Realizing this, I thought I might just hate him.
But as soon as I left the room, left him, the hole in my heart told me I didn’t hate him.
Instead, it told me I would love him forever.
CHAPTER NINE
DAY 14
LOGAN
The pavement was wet as my feet pounded against it. I sprinted faster, arms working, fists flying up beside my body. Faster and faster I went, until my legs cramped and my stomach knotted, but that wasn’t enough to make me stop. I didn’t even falter. I just kept running.
The rain came down harder, but not hard enough to drown out the sound of her screams. They were everywhere.
I was running in the very early hours of the morning, trying to clear my head—to erase the nightmare I couldn’t seem to shake. It was so real. I had gone to her. Brought her back into my life. And then soon after she was in a dark place, alone and afraid. I saw the image of her frightened face, heard the sound of her shrilling screams, and felt her warm blood on my skin.
Running wasn’t erasing it—I could still see it.
Nothing was working.
I couldn’t shake it.
The haunting image surrounded me.
It was to my left.
To my right.
In front of me.
I just ran faster.
Miles and miles seemed to pass in mere minutes, but then my legs began to burn. I didn’t care. I kept going. The knot in my gut felt more like bricks. I didn’t care. I ran faster. But no matter how fast or how far I ran, it wasn’t going to change anything. Whether I was with her or without her, she could still be in danger, and I didn’t have a big enough army to save what my gramps would call my Helen of Troy.
Gasping for breath, I finally stopped.
Fuck, what had I done?
Was she with him?
No, I knew what she’d said last night was her way of coping with what I’d done to us. But knowing that didn’t stop the ache in my chest.
With my hands gripped around the back of my neck, I looked around, hoping to latch onto anything that would stop the constant noise in my head.
I couldn’t stand being without her.
The very early dawn created a purple haze that enveloped the surrounding area like a shroud. The sky was still dark. The air was thick and moist. And I could feel sweat running down the side of my face.
Flashing lights down at the waterfront caught my attention, and something about the situation drew me closer to the chaos.
An unwanted feeling I couldn’t shed.
Long strides brought me toward it. The closer I got, the louder the sounds became. The whoop of a chopper along the riverbank, the chatter of reporters, a Channel 7 news truck. It was utter madness for the early morning dawn.
“Stay behind the tape,” the cop said, pointing his flashlight at me.
Hey, I knew that cop.
“What’s going on?” I asked him, hoping he didn’t remember me from the night he introduced me to Blanchet, the she-devil DEA agent who coerced me into helping her bring down Patrick Flannigan.
Turned out that wasn’t all she wanted. She also wanted a lead on the source of the drugs that were hitting the streets of Boston in monstrous proportions. She’d tracked Flannigan and knew he wasn’t the kingpin in Boston’s cocaine operation, but he was still vital enough to hunt down. He had his hands in many illegal things, but drugs weren’t his most lucrative venture. Numbers and prostitution were more his game. What he didn’t know was that his son had upped their involvement in the drug market, and that was why they were both behind bars right now.
Blanchet had spoken to my gramps and gotten all she needed from him. Hence, my father was still a free man. She had yet to pull him in. And my hope was she wouldn’t.
“I said, stay back.” The bite in his tone wasn’t strong enough to indicate he recognized me.
Someone behind me spoke up. “A body was found. They think it’s been in the river for a while.”
Something told me I had to edge closer. Something else told me to keep running.
I watched the cop as his rubber boots squished along the mucky riverbank and then when he was out of sight, I maneuvered myself around the mob of people to where I could better see what was going on.
My sides were cramping; my skin felt tight, my throat dry. I needed water. My vision was slightly hazy and I had to squint to see that far, and finally I did.
Oh fuck!
There it was.
A body.
A woman’s body.
My lungs were no longer burning, but still I felt myself gasping for air.
The body wasn’t just a body.
Inconspicuous in the brush, I took another step forward and heard my sneakers squish in the mud.
Fuck!
I glanced around. No one was paying any attention to me.
They were focused on the body. And now so was I. Her arms seemed bare, although her torso appeared clothed in black. Her legs were covered in what had to be streaks of mud. Her feet and legs were hidden in her leather boots. And then there was the halo of fiery red hair floating grotesquely around her limp body.
That knot that had been in my gut twisted even more.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Maybe, just maybe it wasn’t her.
The body was facedown and splayed among the underbrush of the slimy riverbank, so really, it could be anyone.
Suddenly, a spotlight shined down, and that’s when I
saw the glint. An icy chill swept through my blood, because right then I knew for certain who it was.
In her hand, tangled between her fingers, was a red ribbon with a large silver rattle beside her. The object was Clementine’s Rosie.
And the dead woman was Lizzy O’Shea, Elle’s missing sister.
My stomach lurched. The only time I had seen that rattle before was in the hands of Michael O’Shea, back at the garage where Elle’s car had been towed.
The man who Elle was with last night. The very same man she was entangled with in a way that there was nothing I could do to untangle her.
What if all of this shit wasn’t just about Tommy?
Maybe there was a bigger picture.
That had to be it.
Like a lightning strike, I knew I had to be with her.
That being apart didn’t mean shit anymore.
There was so much more to all of this.
The stakes just got higher.
Tommy Flannigan was no longer the only man I had to protect Elle from.
My mind was reeling.
I had to come up with an even bigger and better plan.
I had to build my own army.
I had to be with her.
Fear took a backseat.
Strength puffed up my chest.
Determination racked my brain.
I knew what I had to do to keep her safe.
First, go and get her, begging on my knees if I had to, and then . . .
Crush Tommy and figure out what O’Shea was really up to.
No matter what.
CHAPTER TEN
ELLE
Nine very unsettling minutes with him and my world was more upside down than ever.
Would it ever be right again?
This morning I just didn’t think it would.
The spring drizzle trickled down the outside of my bedroom window and I found myself sitting in a chair and staring out at it. It was already dawn and I hadn’t slept much.
I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
How could I have been so cruel?
I hated what I’d said.
I’d made a huge mistake.
I should have put the same trust in him I wanted in return. I had been wrong in pushing him away—in thinking that my emotional health would be too uneven with us in a state of limbo, and that I wouldn’t be able to navigate my life reasonably. The truth was, without him I was in a state of complete instability anyway. I was uneven. I was unhappy. And I didn’t think it would ever go away.
Oh God. I needed to apologize. I wanted to talk to him so much I couldn’t stand it. But how could I fix anything between us now? I’d said the most horrible things to him last night.
Tears clouded my sight and I pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes. When the sobbing subsided, I wrapped my arms around my body in a sad attempt to comfort myself.
Drop after drop I watched the water until I couldn’t anymore. Finally, I closed the blinds and then padded over to my bed and tried to make myself go back to sleep.
I was just tired.
So tired.
My phone was beside me and I thought about calling him. But would he answer? And if he didn’t, would I feel worse? If he did, would talking change anything? No. No it wouldn’t. How could it be that my life felt so empty without him in it? I tried reminding myself it was no fuller before I met Logan but that didn’t help. The difference was—there was a hole in my heart that wasn’t there before. And it hurt. It hurt so damn much.
Thank God for Clementine.
She was the only light in my life.
I needed sleep.
After that, I could determine better what I should do.
Perhaps my sadness was simply a function of lack of sleep.
Just as I started to drift off, my cell phone began to ring. I anxiously grabbed for it. Blocked caller flashed on my screen. I refused to answer it, but that didn’t stop my heart from pounding faster and faster.
It had to be the same person who had called me days ago.
Fear.
Fear like I’ve never known seized me.
For some unknown reason, this caller scared me more than anything.
A minute later a text message appeared. It read, You made the right choice. Keep on the correct path and little lives will remain safe.
My hand flew to my mouth.
Oh God.
He was threating Clementine!
What did he want?
Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong.
My body began to shake.
Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong.
I was so afraid.
Who was here?
Was it the caller?
Was it someone on Tommy’s behalf?
Was it the Irish Mob?
Knock, knock.
My pulse was racing.
Knock, knock.
Heart hammering against my ribs, I jumped out of bed—it felt like I was jumping out of my skin.
I didn’t know what to do.
Where was the security team Logan had arranged to watch my townhome?
An adrenaline rush kicked me into gear.
They had to be here.
Terrified, I grabbed my gun from the bedside table and hurried to the window to see if their car was still parked out front. My hand was trembling so much as I peeked out the closed blinds to the street below that I could barely pull them open.
The incessant ringing of my doorbell and the pounding on my front door wasn’t stopping.
Then, as I looked down, my terror ceased immediately.
Relief set in.
The Rover was parked right in front of my house, haphazardly squeezed in between two cars and partly up on the sidewalk.
It was Logan at my door.
I didn’t know what he was doing here but I didn’t care.
I needed him.
Right now, I didn’t care about anything other than him.
Him being here was all that mattered.
Needing to see him, feel him, hold him, I put my gun away and quickly grabbed a blanket off my bed. Wrapping it around me, I rushed for the door. “I’m coming!” I yelled from the top of the stairs. As I ran down the steps, the doorbell was still ringing and the pounding was still occurring. Faster and faster I went. I wanted to get to him just as much as he wanted to get to me.
In his arms, I knew I’d feel safe.
I reached the foyer quickly and without looking, I turned the alarm off and swung open the door. The streetlights were still on and shone behind him in a way that highlighted everything he was.
Strong.
Dauntless.
Confident.
Sexy.
My protector.
A feeling of intoxication overcame me as I drank him in. There he stood in his track pants, long-sleeved T-shirt, and sneakers, soaked to the bone. Noticing this, I was suddenly alarmed. “Logan, what’s the matter?” I asked.
“I need to talk to you.” He stepped in without being invited and I didn’t care.
Still shaking from the text, I had a hard time focusing.
He closed and locked the door, reengaged the security system, and then turned to me.
I watched as the water dripped off him in excess. As it puddled on the floor, as it flowed beneath my bare feet. With a tug of my arm he moved me away from the cold water.
I couldn’t help but stare at him. Had he known how much I needed him right now? Or did he need me? “What is it? What happened? You look shaken,” I asked all at once.
His eyes were so intense as they stared back at me. “Together, Elle, I pick together.”
That didn’t answer my question, but it told me what he was doing here.
My emotions wouldn’t register. They were all over the place. I’d asked him to pick, and when he didn’t pick me, it left me more than a little shattered.
But now, now he was picking me.
He’d picked me.
That’s why he was here.
My emotions were a conflicting mess.
Shock.
Elation.
Love.
Confusion.
My heart forgot to beat. My lungs forgot to breathe. My eyes forgot to blink. So many feelings were flowing through my veins that I wasn’t certain which one I should be feeling right now, or if any of this was even real.
With a slight hesitation in his movement, he took a tentative step toward me. “I want to move forward with you. I pick you, Elle. I pick you over being cautious, being scared, or trying to figure things out alone. I pick you.”
Unguarded, I was hopeless to answer him. I didn’t know what to say, but then I looked up and saw so much pain and regret in his face. I had a choice. I could turn him away or I could take a leap of faith. I didn’t know what to do. What I did know was that I loved him, and of all the crappy things I might have known about love, I knew for certain that it was never perfect. People made mistakes and people hurt each other. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. Life didn’t always have a happily-ever-after, but maybe together we could try to make one.
“Am I too late?” Logan asked.
It was then that I realized I hadn’t said anything.
Tears threatened to spill from my eyes as I took one step closer to him. And then another. And one more, and finally my bare toes were touching his wet sneakers. I shook my head and nodded at the same time. “I don’t understand. What’s changed?”
Linking his fingers between mine, he answered, “I want you. Me. Us. I know we have to be cautious but I want to face the future with you, not without you. Will you let me pick you?”
I was finding it hard to breathe. I didn’t know what to do. But the way he was standing there looking so uncertain, I knew there was no way I could turn him away. He needed me. And I needed him like I needed air to breathe. I had to have faith he wouldn’t leave me again, and I did. My heart felt so full. I believed every word he’d just told me. Without any doubts, I smiled and said, “Yes,” and then to make certain he understood me, I repeated myself. “Yes, yes, yes.”
His hands grabbed my face and he brought his mouth to mine. Slow, burning kisses with feather brushes of his lips on mine made my stomach flip, but then when he pressed harder and slipped his tongue inside my mouth, I felt those beloved butterflies take flight.
