by Jenn Hype
"I-I don't look like them. I'm curvy and loud. I couldn't be demure if my life depended on it. I've never fit in, and it never really bothered me. Not enough to change who I am. But the idea that you might be ashamed of me, it just..."
"Never," he said firmly, using his grip on my face to force my eyes to meet his. "I was trying to save you from my dad. He is the absolute biggest asshole on the planet. I can barely stand him myself. He doesn't deserve to meet someone as amazing as you. And I was ashamed of myself. I've always let him treat me like shit and I didn't want you to witness me cowering to someone like him."
"I would never judge you," I assured him.
His face softened. "I know that. I just wish you trusted the same of me."
For the first time I considered that my insecurities may be causing him pain too. I mean, yes, I knew pushing him away had hurt his feelings. But by letting my own fears get the best of me, I was essentially telling him I didn't trust him. Didn't believe the things he'd said. Even though he'd proven time and again that I could count on him.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, shame and regret overcoming me. A sob escaped me, and he pulled me into him. I didn't hesitate to bury my face in his chest, unleashing all the pent-up emotions I'd barely been able to contain the past week. "I'm so sorry," I said again, my voice muffled and barely audible.
I squeezed his middle, so so relieved to be in his arms again.
My relief was short lived.
With as much strength as I could muster, I put my palms to his chest and pushed. He stumbled back, caught off guard, and I took a few steps backward to increase the distance between us.
My hands balled into fists, anger drying my tears instantly.
"You don't understand," I hiccupped. If I let the sadness break through again I'd just fall apart and this needed to be said. "It will be such a hassle for you, having to constantly deal with my ups and downs. I've come to the bitter conclusion that I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. In relationships, in life. I have nothing to offer you."
He started to take a step towards me and I held my hand out. My gaze focused on his chin. I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes yet.
"My mom is the ultimate homemaker, but I didn't get that gene. I can't even microwave popcorn without burning it, let alone cook a meal. I'm perpetually messy. Even when I do attempt to clean, it's just a bunch of shoving things in closets and drawers. I've been in my apartment months now and I still don't own a vacuum. Months, Liam. The only reason my floor isn't disgusting is because my mom likes to break into my apartment on occasion and clean. Sad, right? Do you really want to commit to someone like that?"
His mouth opened to respond, but I didn't let him.
"I've had sex a grand total of one time. Your expectations were low because you knew I was a virgin, but how the heck am I supposed to keep you satisfied when you're so experienced? Eventually you'll get bored or frustrated with me."
I could feel his eyes narrowing even though I still refused to look at them. He bristled, his body going rigid, but I kept pushing forward.
"I'm constantly sticking my foot in my mouth in the worst ways imaginable. I do something to embarrass myself almost daily, sometimes hourly. I'm not sophisticated or independent. I live by myself, but only because CJ has worked out something with my landlord even though he thinks I don't know. Most days I don't even have clean panties to wear because I procrastinate everything, especially laundry. If Reed hadn't helped me set up all my bills to come out automatically, I have no doubt I'd forget to pay them every month."
Now that I was on a roll there was no stopping me.
"My sense of humor is seriously juvenile. I also love sappy romance movies and cry so easily I wonder sometimes if my tear ducts are dysfunctional. I go from overly confident to so insecure I want to die in the blink of an eye, most of the time for no reason at all. I hate shaving my vagina. You have to be a damn contortionist to do it yourself and I'm terrified of cutting myself so half the time it's like overgrown brush down there."
Liam snickered but did his best not to let out a full laugh. I had to bite down on my lip to keep from laughing myself. Now that I was saying everything out loud it just sounded stupid and superficial. But these were things I thought about all the time, stupid or not.
"I know you probably think this is ridiculous. And yeah, you're laughing now. But months from now? Will you still think it's funny? Or will you just be exhausted? Fed up with the rollercoaster you can never get off of?"
My chest heaved up and down, my breaths ragged and frantic. After an eternity, or maybe just a few minutes that seemed to drag on forever, I finally braved a look at his face. I'd expected to find pity. Or maybe a mocking smile. Instead, a warm, affectionate smile tipped those beautiful lips of his and his eyes swam with what I could only describe as love.
Ha. Love. I'd freaked out on him, pushed him away and then just unloaded an avalanche of bullshit on him. That's not love, you idiot.
I stood there, not knowing what to do or say now. What else was there to say? Nothing productive, that's for sure. Not that I could make it any worse, though, either.
Eventually Liam shook his head. Like he was trying to figure out whether or not this whole exchange was real.
"That," he started then cleared his throat when the word came out hoarse. "That was a lot to take in all at once."
I expected him to elaborate, to keep talking. He didn't. He just reached up and rubbed the back of his neck while studying the floor. Just when I thought the silence was going to make my brain explode, he spoke again.
"I need time to digest this. I'll be in touch."
That's it. That's all he said before practically running for the door. He hadn't even bothered to make eye contact.
As soon as the door clicked shut, Paige's head peeked out from behind the wall that separated the front of the store from the back.
"You okay?"
I nodded. "Actually, yes."
I mean, I didn't feel great. I'd definitely just scared Liam away. And later I would be devastated. But a thousand pounds had just been lifted from my shoulders. Spewing buckets of word vomit all over him was cathartic. Holding stuff in? Not for me. Never again. Even if it made every person I ever met bolt in the opposite direction, I knew for certain I would never be able to compartmentalize. It wasn't healthy. Not for me, and not for the person I'd been bottling things up over. Maybe if I'd just been honest with Liam from the start instead of unloading on him all at once he wouldn't have left.
Or maybe he would have.
Either way, I'd learned a valuable lesson about myself from that one exchange.
I couldn't change who I was. I couldn't pretend to be calm and laid back, acting like the little things didn't drive me crazy. And I'd either find someone who could put up with it, or I'd start collecting cats. But no matter what, I'd be okay.
I had to be. What other choice did I have?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Liam
"Hear ye, hear ye," I called out to silence the room. "I hereby call this meeting to session."
"I don't think that makes sense," Malcolm offered sarcastically.
"Shush, you!" I yelled, holding up the baton in my hand. I'd wanted a gavel, but on short notice, a glitter baton is what Blake had provided me with instead. Pretty sure she did that on purpose. "I have the talking stick. Those not in possession of the talking stick will hereby be shushed."
"Why do you keep saying hereby?" Reed asked.
From CJ, "And why are you making your voice all deep like that?"
"I think he's trying to sound all powerful and authoritative or something," Blake offered.
"Leave the boy alone," Mama Rose chimed in, throwing me a wink.
I nodded my thanks.
Gathered around the dining room table at Mama Rose's house were Josi, Blake, Paige, CJ, Reed, Malcolm and Nathan, one of our newer recruits. He'd been shadowing Malcolm all week and Mal didn't have time to drop him off at HQ before hea
ding to the Jade house. Poor guy looked lost. He'd catch on quick enough.
"Thank you, Rosie," I said around a mouthful of food. Impolite to talk with your mouth full? Yep. But Mama Rose had sat a bunch of seriously tasty looking snacks all over the table and I couldn't help myself.
I waited until I'd swallowed before talking again though.
"Okay. So I'm sure you're all wondering why I've called this emergency meeting."
"You seriously think we aren't all up to speed?" Malcolm asked with an eye roll.
I forgot everyone in my life were a bunch of gossip mongers.
"Okay, fine. So you know it's about Clara. This is an all hands on deck type of sitch. I've got a plan, but it'll take some serious effort from everyone to pull it off."
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the robin egg blue box and gently tossed it onto the table.
"Is that-" Jo started.
"Are you kidding me?" Blake all but shouted. Everyone else sat still as statues, their mouths hanging open.
In the end, Mama Rose was the one to pick the box up and open it. She gasped, her hand flying to her chest and resting over her heart. With a smile and shiny eyes, she nodded her approval of my choice of ring.
I'd actually dipped into my trust fund to buy it. I very rarely ever touched that money. It felt like blood money. As if using it meant I owed my dad something. But if anything, he owed me. And giving Clara the perfect ring, the ring she deserved, seemed like the perfect time to put the money to good use.
"That's one big ass gesture," Malcolm muttered.
"You sure this is what you want to do?" CJ asked, shocking me. He'd seemed so supportive from the beginning. Now, when I needed everyone on board, he was changing his stance?
Blake smacked his arm. He winced and rubbed the spot she'd hit, even though there's no way that tiny hand of hers had actually inflicted pain. CJ's muscles were twice the size of mine. The man was made of steel.
"I'm all for you guys getting married," CJ said honestly. The entire table let out a breath of relief. No doubt they knew his objection would only lead to a fight. Because, yeah, I'd fight my boss for Clara.
"What if she says no?" He asked, once again ratcheting up the tension in the room. Pretty sure I growled at him, too. He held up his hands in surrender. "Not saying that to piss you off, I'm just trying to prepare you. It's not that I think she wouldn't want to say yes, but Clara is stubborn. She's already keeping you at arm's length."
"Only because she's convinced herself she's not worthy of love or devotion," I argued.
He nodded, looking smug. I wanted to punch him. "Exactly. You can't force her to feel differently. She has to make the decision for herself and nothing you say or do can fix that."
I started to argue, but someone beat me to the punch.
"He can't flip a switch and make it better, but his actions and words most definitely make a huge impact on how she feels," Jo said, giving him a condescending look.
"Yes, but that doesn't happen overnight," CJ defended. "It would take consistent effort over an extended period of time. Asking someone to marry you is the ultimate leap of faith. You don't agree to marry someone if you have doubts. If Clara still doesn't believe she's worthy of love, how can you expect her to say yes?"
Shit. I hadn't thought of it like that.
The room erupted. Everyone wanted to get in their two cents.
"Silence!" I bellowed dramatically. Most of them shut up immediately, other than a few murmured choice words of annoyance. "If she says no, I'll just keep asking. I'm not going anywhere. She can say no a thousand times, can try and push me away, but it won't work. She's it for me. She needs to believe it? Needs me to prove it? No problem.
"But... I'd like the first time I ask her to be a real proposal. The kind she deserves. If she says no, we can figure out where to go from there."
Everyone looked a little stunned.
"You're being so... so... mature about this."
"You don't have to sound so surprised," I said defensively, glaring at Blake. She only shrugged instead of apologizing.
The only one who hadn't acted completely shocked the entire time was Mama Rose. My chest puffed out with pride. I'd won over my girl's mom. The rest of them would fall in line eventually.
It hit me then that sitting before me was the family I'd always wanted. They weren't blood, but that didn't matter. Despite my resolution to cut my dad out of my life, for the first time, I felt good about it. At peace. Totally confident in my decision. I didn't need him or his approval. I already had everyone I'd ever need. He could go to hell.
Which I'd already told him. Right before I blocked his number.
"I still can't believe you're going to propose so soon," Jo remarked.
"I know, right?" Blake joined in. "When I first met Liam and from all the stories the guys told me, I never thought he'd settle down. And they've only been dating for like, a day."
"I'm standing right here," I yelled and waved obnoxiously, pointing to myself. "Besides, Clara and I have been circling this for months. The feelings were there a long time ago, we just hadn't addressed them."
"You don't look even the least bit unsure," Malcolm added, a bit of disbelief sneaking into his tone.
"Of course not. I'm not going to ask someone to marry me and not be entirely confident it's what I want. I'm not that big of an asshole."
"Did you ask her dad for permission?" Reed asked.
Josi snorted. No doubt she knew her dad well enough to know how that had gone.
"I tried to," I answered him. "But he deferred to Mama Rose, here. Told me to, and I quote, 'leave him the hell out of this drama.'
Everyone chuckled, myself included. Mr. Jade had been grumbly, but he'd clasped my shoulder affectionately before leaving the room. I took that to mean he approved. And it felt damn good.
"So, alright then, dumbass," CJ said, sounding bored as hell. "Tell us the plan."
I rubbed my hands together wickedly and grinned.
Here came the fun part.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Clara
"This is incredible, Jo! I can't believe this is happening!"
While my sister merely offered a grin, I continued to jump up and down. I couldn't sit still if my life depended on it.
"I'm surprised you even tried to win a contest on the radio. Let alone one involving baseball."
From beside me, Jo shot me a look as we walked down the tunnels at Yankee Stadium.
"Are you kidding me? A contest where the winner gets to throw the starting pitch at a MLB game and you don't think I'd try to win it for you?"
I threw my arms around her, almost knocking us over.
"You're the best sister, evah!"
She jiggled in my arms when I started bouncing while clutching her. That's how the team manager found us - in a fit of giggles while I jostled her around enough to rattle her brain.
It had been over a week since Liam had run away from me. I hadn't heard from him once. Every cell in my body wanted to shut down and become one with my bed, but I managed to force myself to keep going. Living one minute at a time, I sluggishly suffered through life. Because make no mistake; I wasn't having an unproductive pity party, but I wasn't really living, either. Existing. Surviving. Wandering, would be more like it.
But today? Today I was going to be standing at the pitcher's mound in front of thousands of baseball fans. I'd get to meet the team. I was even getting my own custom-made jersey with my last name on the back. All because I had an amazing sister who'd done the impossible and won the world's best contest ever. For me.
"Glad to see you're excited," the rotund man said as he approached. We shook hands and made introductions, then followed him to a tunnel that led to the dugout. I couldn't even tell you how we got there or what it looked like or be able to retrace my steps. I was practically in a dream-like trance.
And when we entered the dugout only to find it full of baseball players?
I am not asha
med to say I swooned. I swooned hard.
Several players witnessed my swoonage and chuckled. One even reached out to steady me. Be still my beating heart.
Not all professional ball players had attractive faces, but when they're in uniform and right in front of you? They could resemble Quasimodo and I'd still drool over them. Tall, muscular, confident. I wanted to live there in that dugout, basking in their ball-playing glory. Let their raw talent and determination rub off on me.
Not literally. While I could have spent all day admiring their butts in those pants, I only had eyes for one man. The man I'd pushed away, not once, but twice. The same man I couldn't go ten seconds without thinking about.
I shook my head.
No. No thinking about Liam right now. Just enjoy one freaking happy moment without letting your self-pity ruin everything.
"Hi," I squeaked, giving an awkward wave of my hand. Again, the guys chuckled. My cheeks heated and I figured this day could go one of two ways: Either I'd be so weird and shy it would ruin everything and I'd look back and regret it, or I could embrace my crazy like Blake always did and go no holds barred and make this the best damn day ever.
Back straight, head high, I decided to take a page out of Blake's book.
"Sorry for my constant swoonery, but it's kind of hard not to melt into a puddle with all this talented man meat surrounding me."
Everyone started laughing. Other than Josi who choked on air.
A twinge of embarrassment sent a flash of heat through my cheeks, but it passed quickly.
Some introductions were made and someone who worked for the park went over everything with me. A sudden flurry of nerves hit me. I'd been so caught up in the excitement that I hadn't stopped to realize I'd be in front of thousands of people. I mean, yes, I knew that. But it just didn't dawn on me that I would be by myself out on that pitching mound with so many people watching me. Which, okay, is stupid. That should have been one of the first things I considered, but I don't know, I just... didn't.
I mean... what if I choked? What if I tripped? What if the ball didn't even make it halfway? I had a good arm on me, but could I really get the ball all the way to the catcher? Accurately? I'd laughed at people doing these pitches before. Almost everyone messed up. It wasn't the end of the world. I did embarrassing things all the time. I'd live through it. And it would just make the story even more interesting.
